LIBRARY 

UNiVCRSlTY  OF 

:NIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


15.990 


D-OCTOR'  SYNTAX     SETTIJTG    OUT 

ia  Search  of  a  Wife. 


THE   THIRD   TOUR 
OF 

DOCTOR    SYNTAX 

IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 
A  POEM 

\s* 

WITH   TWENTY-FIVE 
COLOURED  ILLUSTRATIONS 
BY    THOMAS   ROWLANDSON 


A  NEW  EDITION 


NEW    YORK 

D,  APPLETON   &   COMPANY 
1903 


NOTE 

rpHIS   Issue  is  founded  on  the  Edition 
published  by  R.  Ackermann  in  the 
year  1821 


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PREFACE 


^  I  XHIS  prolonged  work,  is,  at  length,  brought  to 

a  close. — It  has  grown  to  this  size,  under  rare 

and  continuing  marks  of  public  favour ;   while  the 

same  mode  of  Composition  has  been  employed  in 

the  last,  as  in  the  former  Volurn.es. They  are  all 

equally  indebted  to  MR.  ROWLANDSON'S  talents. 

It  may,  perhaps,  be  considered  as  presumptuous 
in  me,  and  at  my  age,  to  sport  even  with  my  own 
Dowdy  Muse,  but,  from  the  extensive  patronage 
which  DOCTOR  SYNTAX  has  received,  it  may  be 
presumed  that,  more  or  less,  he  has  continued  to 
amuse :  And  I,  surely,  have  no  reason  to  be 
dissatisfied,  when  Time  points  at  my  eightieth 
Year,  that  I  can  still  afford  some  pleasure  to  those 
who  are  disposed  to  be  pleased. 

The  AUTHOR. 


DIRECTIONS  FOR  PLACING  THE  PLATES 

Dr.  SYNTAX  setting  out  in  search  of  a  Wife  Frontispiece 

Illustrated  Title  Page 

Soliloquising  ......      To  face  p.     10 

Turn'd  Nurse.         .....  ,,  31 

The  Banns  forbidden        .          .          .          .  ,,  83 

With  a  Blue  Stocking  Beauty .         .         .  ,,  90 

The  Cellar  Quartette        ....  ,,120 

Presenting  a  Floral  Offering    .          .          .  ,,  129 

The  Billiard  Table ,,  132 

Misfortune  at  Tulip  Hall         .         .          .  ,,  134 

The  Harvest  Home          .         .         .         .  ,,  138 

The  Garden  Trio     .         .         .         .         .  ,,  151 

At  a  Card  Party ,,  154 

Star-Gazing     ......  ,,  157 

In  the  wrong  Lodging  House  ...  ,,  182 
Received   by   the   Maid    instead   of    the 

Mistress .,  194 

The  Artist's  Room ,,  198 

Death  of  Punch       .....  ,,  202 

The  Advertisement  for  a  Wife          .         .  ,,  210 

The  Foundling ,,  213 

The  Result  of  purchasing  a  blind  Horse  .  ,,  221 

A  Noble  Hunting  Party           .         .         .  ,,  242 

Introduction  to  Courtship        ...  „  250 

In  Danger        ......  „  262 

Funeral  of  Dr.  SYNTAX    ....  ,,  264 


A    TOUR 

IN 

SEARCH    OF    A    WIFE 

CANTO  XXXIV 

T_JOW  is  it  none  contented  lives 

•*•         With  the  fair  lot  which  reason  gives, 

Or  chance  presents  or  labour  gains  ! 

Why  in  our  pleasures  or  our  pains 

Does  want  disturb  or  envy  wound, 

And  calm  enjoyment's  rarely  found  ? 

— May  not  this  answer  meet  the  ear, 

That  life  is  not  th'  appointed  sphere, 

Where,  by  the  wise  design  of  Heaven, 

A  cloudless  joy  is  ever  given  ? 

For  that  e'en  virtue's  self  must  wait 

Till  death  has  clos'd  our  mortal  state ; 

And  then  our  virtue's  promis'd  meed 

Of  endless  pleasure  will  succeed. 


'Tis  true  experience  sage  has  said, 
And  as  a  real  truth  pourtray'd, 
That  happy  hours  may  be  our  own, 
But  happy  days  are  never  known. 

VOL.  III.— I 


TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  morn  may  smile,  the  noon  may  weep, 
While  pain  at  night  may  banish  sleep : 
Our  own  or  some  dear  friend's  distress 
May  check  a  smiling  happiness  ; 
E'en  while  it  mantles  on  the  brow 
The  heart  may  feel  a  sense  of  woe. 
Thus  throughout  life  'tis  man's  frail  nature 
To  be  a  discontented  creature. 
Indeed,  we  must  the  truth  confess,      1 
How  oft  we  look  for  happiness 
From  what  we  never  may  possess ;     J 
But  ask,  in  life's  continu'd  chase, 
For  change  of  things  and  change  of  place, 
And  as  our  real  good  pursue, 
What  we  behold  in  distant  view, 
Beyond  possession's  present  hour  ; — 
'Tis  that  we  wish  within  our  power, 
And  o'er  a  something  seem  to  brood, 
Contrasted  with  our  present  good. 

If  you  ask  where  doth  dwell  content 
'Neath  cot  or  lofty  battlement, 
Whether  in  car  of  state  it  ride 
Or  by  the  humble  peasant's  side  ; 
Or  in  the  court  of  kings  doth  dwell 
Or  in  the  hermit's  lonely  cell  ? 
Say  does  it  dance  in  lover's  bower, 
Or  pass  in  smiles  the  rural  hour  ? 
Do  laurel  wreaths  entwine  it  round, 
Or  is  it  at  the  banquet  found  ? 
Say  does  it  crouch  'neath  Cupid's  wing, 
Or  play  upon  the  minstrel's  string  ? 
No — this  is  the  keen  mind's  reply, 
Such  is  the  world's  philosophy. 
— When  in  the  car  of  state  you  ride 
Content  is  by  the  peasant's  side : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 

Whene'er  you  gaze  from  mountain's  brow 
You  see  him  in  the  vale  below  ; 
And  when  you  join  the  courtly  train, 
He  doth  appear  a  rustic  swain. 
Nay,  when  in  splendid  halls  you're  seen, 
He  dances  on  the  village  green. 
Thus  in  vain  your  time  is  spent, 
For  never  will  you  find  content. 
As  you  pursue,  he  flies  for  ever, 
Ne'er  will  you  overtake  him — never. 
Or  high  or  low,  whate'er  our  lot,         ~| 
We  view  him  on  some  envied  spot, 
But  dimly  seen,  where  we  are  not.       J 


Broken  with  toils,  with  arms  opprest, 
The  soldier  thinks  the  merchant  blest, 
Who  calmly  sits  at  home  at  ease, 
While  fortune,  with  her  fav'ring  breeze, 
Wafts  him  her  treasures  o'er  the  seas. 
And  when  the  threat' ning  tempests  rise, 
War  is  my  choice  the  merchant  cries  ; 
For  battle  ends  th'  hero's  story, 
Or  brings  him  death  or  gives  him  glory. 
— When  the  country  'Squire  is  seen 
At  number  six  in  Lincoln's-Inn, 
With  healthy  look  and  ruddy  face 
To  give  his  fee  and  state  his  case, 
The  wearied  lawyer  'midst  his  books, 
With  gaping  yawn  and  pallid  looks, 
Longs  to  buy  lands  and  country-seat 
To  give  him  health  and  calm  retreat ; 
While  as  th'  admiring  client's  eye 
Beholds  the  vast  variety 
Of  stately  forms  and  the  gay  measure 
Of  each  embroider'd  scene  of  pleasure 


TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Which  the  vast  city's  limits  give, 
He  longs  in  Portland-Place  to  live.1 

As  we  pass  life's  uncertain  day, 
We  may  submit,  but  must  obey  ; 
And  all  that  we  are  call'd  to  do, 
Is  to  keep  virtue  in  our  view, 
Not  all  the  dignity  of  power 
Can  quicken  life's  sad,  lagging  hour ; 
Nor  glutted  avarice  impart 
A  pleasure  to  the  aching  heart. 
If  fortune's  gifts  you  truly  rate, 
Then  tell  me  what  would  mend  your  state. 
If  real  joy  on  wealth  is  built, 
Villains  might  comfort  find  in  guilt : 
But  when  he  sees  th'  encreasing  store 
The  Miser's  fears  encrease  the  more. 
Is  happiness  the  point  in  view  ? 
I  mean  the  real  and  the  true ; 
She  nor  in  camps  nor  courts  resides, 
Nor  in  the  humble  cottage  bides  : 
Seek  her  alike  in  ev'ry  sphere, 
Where  virtue  is,  for  she  is  there. 
'Tis  to  no  rank  of  life  confin'd, 
But  dwells  in  ev'ry  honest  mind, 
As  much,  at  least,  as  e'er  is  known 
For  mortal  man  to  call  his  own. 

1  O  fortunati  mercatores  !  gravis  armis 
Miles  ait,  multo  jam  fractus  membra  labore. 
Contra  Mercator,  navim  jactantibus  Austris, 
Militia  est  potior.     Quid  enim  ?  concurritor:   horz 
Momento  cita  mors  venit,  aut  victoria  l«eta. 
Agricolam  laudat  juris  legumque  peritus, 
Sub  galli  cantum  consultor  ubi  ostia  pulsat. 
Ille,  datis  vadibus,  qui  rure  extractus  in  urbem  est, 
Solos  Felices  viventes  clamat  in  urbe. 

Hor.  Sat.  Lib.  i. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 

To  shine  and  glitter  all  in  gold, 
To  be  in  words  and  science  bold, 
Wealth  to  enjoy  and  dainty  fare, 
The  monarch's  friend,  the  people's  care  ; 
To  all  that's  gay  and  proud  and  great, 
Although  such  gifts  may  elevate, 
The  groaning  gout,  and  racking  stone 
May  change  the  mirth  to  bitter  moan. 
But  e'en  though  sickness  ne'er  annoys, 
Riches  and  honours  are  but  toys, 
If  Conscience  be  not  firm  and  free, 
And  wrapp'd  in  its  fidelity. 
The  peaceful  conscience  is  the  boon 
That  keeps  the  jarring  mind  in  tune  : 
O  'tis  the  heart's  so  cheering  guest, 
Which  had — a  rush  for  all  the  rest. 

Thus  Syntax,  as  he  view'd  the  throng 
Who  sped  the  jovial  hours  along, 
And  took  a  short-liv'd  leave  of  care, 
Amid  the  gambols  of  a  fair, 
From  Rect'ry  porch  indulg'd  the  hour 
In  letting  loose  his  well-known  power, 
When,  without  any  social  friend, 
He  did  his  studious  mind  unbend. 
Thus  with  many  a  maxim  fraught 
That  play'd  upon  his  busy  thought, 
He  from  his  easy-chair  arose 
And  did  again  his  thoughts  disclose 
That  bore  the  air,  though  'twas  not  meant, 
Of  calm  but  tender  discontent. 

"  The  WORTHIES  now  have  left  their  home 
For  many  a  week  or  month  to  come ; 
And  since  their  heiress  has  been  tied 
In  wedlock  and  become  a  bride, 


TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

They  with  parental  joy  imprest 

Are  now  their  daughter's  welcome  guest. 

Thus  since  my  much-lov'd  friends  are  gone, 

I  feel  what  'tis  to  be  alone. 

Nor  do  my  Classic  shelves  supply 

The  cheerless  dull  vacuity  : 

They  help  to  pass  an  hour  away, 

But  cannot  serve  me  through  the  day  ; 

While  sluggard  time  appears  to  crawl 

Through  the  unwelcome  interval : 

Nor  does  my  reason  feel  it  good 

To  lead  this  life  of  solitude. 

With  many  a  blessing  I  must  own, 

I'm  almost  discontented  grown, 

And  if  I  check  it  not  ere  long 

I  shall  be  thinking  very  wrong : 

Some  foreign  help-mates  I  must  call 

To  aid  me  ere  this  sense  inthrall 

My  spirits,  'gainst  whose  powers  I  preach 

And  prove  the  doctrines  which  I  teach. 

— Besides  when  I  am  thus  alone 

I  think  upon  my  Dolly  gone : 

I  see  her  wheresoe'er  I  stray 

In  open  walk  or  woodland  way. 

When  I  an  ev'ning  saunter  take 

Beside  the  margin  of  the  lake, 

I  recollect  the  tender  charm 

When  she  hung  fondly  on  my  arm, 

Where,  when  the  day  was  almost  done, 

We  had  talk'd  down  the  ev'ning  sun. 

Nay  I  perceive  my  erring  mind 

Is  to  her  loss  far  less  resign'd, 

Than  when  the  power  we  must  obey, 

Consign'd  her  to  her  native  clay ; 

Nay,  resignation,  ev'ry  hour 

Appears  to  lose  its  wholesome  power. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 

This  is  not  as  it  ought  to  be, 

Nor  reason,  nor  philosophy, 

Nor  pious  duty  can  forbear 

To  disapprove  such  worldly  care. 

If  then  this  lonely  life  appears 

T'  engender  sighs  and  ask  for  tears, 

I  must  th'  untoward  system  change, 

In  wider  fields  of  converse  range ; 

Nor  fear  to  mingle  in  the  strife, 

As  chance  directs,  that  chequers  life  ; 

And,  by  new,  varying,  scenes  restore 

My  mind  to  what  it  was  before. 

Though  my  earlier  years  have  been 

Of  study  the  laborious  scene, 

Yet  social  pleasure  bore  a  part 

To  quicken  sense  and  cheer  the  heart ; 

Nor  did  my  spirits  ever  feel 

When  at  the  foot  of  fortune's  wheel, 

And  life  scarce  knew  its  due  supply, 

The  tremors  of  despondency  ; 

Such  as  of  late  I'm  doom'd  to  find 

The  jaundic'd  temper  of  the  mind. 

What's  to  be  done,  how  can  I  cure 

This  restless  something  I  endure  ? 

A  learn'd  Divine,  it  may  be  said, 

Should  know  where  to  apply  for  aid, 

And  he  who  doth  to  others  preach, 

Should  have  the  means  himself  to  teach. 

It  is  not  that  my  mind's  embued 

With  any  act  of  turpitude  ; 

'Tis  not  an  error  deep  and  grave, 

That  doth  the  virtuous  wish  enslave, 

Which  may  awake  the  fear  of  Heaven, 

And  doubts  it  may  not  be  forgiven  ; 

That  doth  for  pale  repentance  call 

To  change  the  sorrowing  prodigal ; 


TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

No,  'tis  the  feeling  heart's  vagary 

Which  chance  may  give  and  time  may  vary : 

That  from  some  nat'ral  cause  arises, 

Which  neither  angers,  nor  surprises  : 

But  still  it  plagues  while  it  doth  last, 

Nor  must  we  let  it  hold  us  fast ; 

For  should  we  not  its  power  oppose 

At  length  it  into  habit  grows, 

And  may  become  a  rooted  feature 

T'  encrease  the  weaknesses  of  nature  ; 

While  full  enough,  none  will  contest, 

Are  to  be  found  among  the  best. 

But  is  he  not  the  weakest,  who 

Suffers  his  fancy  to  pursue 

That  train  of  thought  which  may  augment 

The  source  of  idle  discontent  ? 

And  after  all,  'tis  this  same  folly 

That  serves  to  make  me  melancholy. 

'Tis  plain  then,  I  have  nought  to  do, 

But  these  weak  symptoms  to  subdue, 

From  this  dull  slumb'ring  to  awake, 

From  these  disheart'ning  thoughts  to  break, 

To  form  new  schemes,  to  leave  off  talking, 

And  set  my  better  mind  a  walking." 

Here  Syntax  paus'd  and  silent  stood, 
In  grave  and  contemplative  mood, 
When  ancient  Madge,  who  wound  the  reel, 
And  gave  the  movement  to  her  wheel, 
Tow'rds  Heaven  appear'd  to  cast  her  eye 
And  gave  a  deep  and  heart-felt  sigh. 

Old  Marg'ret,  of  a  village  race, 
Was  the  sage  gran'nam  of  the  place. 
The  dame  had  pass'd  her  early  day 
In  service  of  the  great  and  gay  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 

And  was  well  pleas'd  to  have  it  known, 
What  stations  she  had  held  in  town  ; 
Would  gravely  boast  where  she  had  been, 
And  tell  the  fine  things  she  had  seen  : 
In  short,  at  threescore  years  of  age, 
She  was  become  a  rural  sage. 
It  is  not  needful  to  relate 
What  was  her  lot  in  married  state ; 
'Twas  like  what  others  feel,  who  try 
Their  chance  in  marriage  lott'ry. 
But  time  had  pass'd  full  many  a  year, 
Since  she  first  shed  a  widow's  tear, 
And  now  she  rul'd  in  due  degree, 
The  household  of  the  Rectory  ; 
Where  she  did  all  her  duties  tend, 
Less  as  a  servant  than  a  friend. 


And  now  old  Margaret  sigh'd  again 
As  if  she  suffer'd  real  pain  ; 
When  Syntax  thus  the  dame  address'd — 
"  What  anxious  thought  disturbs  your  breast, 
And  wherefore  do  you  lift  your  eye 
As  if  commercing  with  the  sky  ?  " 
Now  Madge  it  seems  had  caught  the  sense 
Of  all  the  Doctor's  eloquence, 
And,  with  kind  feelings  for  her  guide, 
She  thus,  in  measur'd  speech,  replied — 
"  It  is  not  for  myself  I  sue 
To  Heaven's  mercy,  'tis  for  you. 
I  could  well  scold  you  if  I  dare, 
And  your  whims  almost  make  me  swear  ; 
You  may  keep  talking  on  for  ever 
'Twill  never  do  you  good,  no  never. 
What  is  your  fending  and  your  proving, 
'Tis  nonsense  all — I  say,  keep  moving. 


io  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Do  you  not  hear  what  pleasures  reign 
Among  the  croud  on  yonder  plain  ? 
Quit,  my  sad  Sir,  that  odious  chair,      1 
With  your  grave  melancholy  air, 
And  join  the  pastimes  of  the  fair. 
See  'midst  the  bustle  what  is  done, 
Look  on  the  sports  and  view  the  fun  : 
Who  knows  but  a  good  donkey  race 
May  plant  a  smile  upon  your  face. 
Of  this  I'm  sure,  that  when  you  see 
The  scene  of  harmless  revelry, 
And  from  the  happy  people  hear 
The  untaught  joke,  the  merry  jeer, 
Their  honest  pleasures  will  impart 
Smiles  to  your  sympathising  heart. 
You  know  the  joy  your  flock  will  share 
To  view  their  much-lov'd  pastor  there ; — 
And  when  you  see  how  they  receive  it, 
You'll  feel  it  two-fold,  you  who  give  it. 
Do  as  I  say — you'll  find  it  right,  1 

'Twill  prove  a  most  enliv'ning  sight, 
And  save  you  from  a  restless  night.        J 
Keep  moving — quit  your  studious  labours, 
Set  off  and  visit  all  your  neighbours. 
A  change  of  scene,  a  change  of  place, 
Will  from  your  mind  these  whimsies  chase, 
And  soon  I  with  delight  shall  see 
My  master  from  his  meagrims  free." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Thank  you  for  that,  my  vet' ran  lady, 
I'll  go  and  try  to  get  a  gay  day ; 
'Twas  rare,  sound  common-sense,  that  brought 
Such  good  advice  into  your  thought. 
To-morrow,  I'll  clap  spurs  to  horse, 
And,  in  good  earnest,  take  my  course 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  n 

To  Billy  Bumpkin,  who  will  greet  me 
With  his  loud  laughs,  and  kindly  treat  me : 
Yes,  with  his  broad-face  mirth  he'll  try 
The  power  of  hospitality." 

On  the  next  morn  his  breakfast  done, 
With  not  a  cloud  to  hide  the  sun, 
The  Doctor  did  his  way  pursue, 
And,  in  a  trotting  hour  or  two 
Bumpkin's  old  hall  appear'd  in  view.      J 
When  soon  he  saw  its  hearty  host 
Leaning  most  idly  'gainst  a  post, 
And  letting  loose  loud  fits  of  laughter 
To  see  boys  bathing  in  the  water ; 
Who  with  their  splash  of  mud  and  mire 
Amus'd  the  humour  of  the  'Squire. 

Syntax,  in  sober,  solemn  state, 
With  Pat  behind  drew  near  the  gate ; 
And  when  he  their  approach  espied, 
Bill  Bumpkin  clapp'd  his  hands  and  cried  ; 
"  My  worthy  Parson  is  it  you  ? 
The  same  i'  fackins,  I've  in  view. 
Six  months,  I  think,  are  gone  and  past 
And  more  since  I  beheld  you  last ! 
Whate'er  I  knew  I  left  at  college, 
And  you  like  none  but  men  of  knowledge  ; 
Yet,  in  plain  English,  I  declare, 
I  do  delight  to  see  you  here. 
I  have  no  learn'd  or  Latin  lingo, 
But  a  fresh  tap  of  foaming  stingo, 
Which  will  make  you  to  jabber  Greek, 
As  nat' rally  as  pigs  can  squeak. 
And,  if  your  heart  is  out  of  tune, 
Will  make  you  long  to  stride  the  moon." 


12  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

" — Not  quite  so  high  as  that  my  friend, 
But  something  which  doth  that  way  tend : 
Not  quite  so  high,"  the  Doctor  said, 
"  But  yet  some  choice  enliv'ning  aid 
My  slacken'd  spirits  have  in  view 
When  I  pay  my  respects  to  you ; 
For  here,  I'm  sure,  that  humour  gay 
And  the  frank  smile  will  crown  the  day. 
You,  my  good-hearted  friend,  must  know 
The  cause  of  my  domestic  woe. 
Of  my  friends  too  I  am  bereft, 
The  WORTHIES  have  the  country  left, 
And  when  they  may  return  to  cheer 
My  drooping  heart  doth  not  appear : — 
Thus  dulness  now  is  found  to  reign 
Within  the  verge  of  Sommerden, 
And  doth  a  full  possession  take 
Of  its  fair  borders  of  the  Lake. 
Thus  'tis  my  joyless  fate  to  roam 
For  comfort  that's  not  found  at  home." 
" — Then  find  it  here,"  replied  the  'Squire, 
"  New  scenes  will  other  thoughts  inspire, 
My  means  of  pleasure  you  shall  share  : 
I'll  teach  you  how  to  banish  care." 


Though  Syntax  did  not  trust  the  skill 
That  such  a  promise  would  fulfil, 
He  gave  assent  with  nodding  head, 
And  follow'd  where  his  leader  led. 
He  took  the  Doctor  through  his  grounds, 
Display'd  his  kennel  and  his  hounds, 
Their  diff'rent  ages,  old  and  young, 
Their  speed,  their  noses  and  their  tongue  ; 
Then  order'd  forth  his  hunting  stud, 
Dwelt  on  their  merits  and  their  blood  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  13 

While  to  their  diff'rent  feats,  and  more, 
The  green-clad  huntsman  stoutly  swore. 
He  then  described  some  arduous  chase 
That  did  his  Nimrod  annals  grace ; 
Show'd  many  a  brush  that  cover'd  o'er 
The  purlieus  of  the  kennel  door  : 
Nor  did  a  hero  ever  prize 
The  trophies  gain'd  in  victories 
Whose  flutt'ring  ensigns  might  display 
The  pride  of  many  a  well-fought  day, 
With  more  exulting  sense  of  fame, 
Than  Bumpkin  told  the  boasted  name, 
Which  his  equestrian  powers  command 
Among  the  woods  of  Westmoreland. 

The  Doctor  heard  and  made  pretence 
To  listen  to  his  eloquence  ; 
But  though  with  certain  science  fraught, 
It  could  not  charm  his  serious  thought ; 
Nor  did  it  seem  to  chase  away 
The  gloomy  humour  of  the  day. 

"  Why  still  so  grave  my  worthy  friend," 
The  'Squire  exclaim'd,  "where  will  this  end? 
I  prithee,  why  make  all  this  pother ; 
You've  lost  one  wife — then  get  another ; 
And  sure,  in  all  this  country  round, 
Another  may  be  quickly  found. 
From  different  motives  people  grieve, 
For  wives  that  die  and  wives  that  live. 
—That  scare-crow  Death  is  oft  a  sad  one, 
Takes  the  good  wife  and  leaves  the  bad  one, 
As  sure  as  that  bright  sun  doth  shine, 
I  wish  that  he  had  taken  mine. 
Not  that  I  suffer  such  disaster 
As  to  let  madam  play  the  master, 


14  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Nor  yet,  to  let  the  lady  boast 

That  o'er  her  lord  she  rules  the  roast. 

I  learn'd  not,  where  I  went  to  school, 

In  such  a  way  to  play  the  fool. 

'Tis  true  from  harshness  I  refrain, 

But  then  I  always  hold  the  rein : 

For  he  who  ventures  on  a  wife, 

To  be  the  comfort  of  his  life, 

Should  never  this  advice  refuse  : — 

Take  her  down  in  her  'wedding  shoes." 

— Syntax  his  fancy  to  beguile 

Here  sunk  his  laughter  in  a  smile. 

For  it  was  known  to  great  and  small 

How  things  went  on  at  Bumpkin-Hall : 

Nay,  'twas  a  well-known  standing  joke, 

Among  the  neighb'ring  country  folk, 

That  when  the  lady's  in  the  way 

The  'Squire  would  ne'er  say  yea  or  nay 

But  as  her  ruling  spirit  told  him, 

Or  with  a  certain  look  control'd  him : 

Though  now  his  tongue  ne'er  seem'd  to  rest, 

And  thus  his  invitation  press'd. — 

"  Doctor  come  here,  next  hunting-season, 

And  faith,  my  friend,  I'll  show  you  reason  ; 

You  shall  mount  on  my  Yorkshire  grey, 

And  gallop  all  your  cares  away." 

"  I  doubt  not,"  Syntax  smiling  said, 

*'  Your  recipe  would  be  obey'd  ; 

It  would  afford  a  speedy  cure 

For  every  evil  I  endure  ; 

But  for  my  kind  physician's  sake, 

I  do  not  wish  my  neck  to  break." 


They  talk'd,  when  soon  the  bell's  shrill  chime 
Declar'd  it  to  be  dinner  time, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  15 

Nor  was  it  an  unwelcome  call 

That  bade  their  footsteps  seek  the  hall ; 

For  though  the  Doctor's  whims  prevail'd, 

His  appetite  had  never  fail'd. 

By  madam  he  was  kindly  greeted, 

As,  "  How  d'ye  do  ?  "  and  "  pray  be  seated. 

It  doth  a  perfect  age  appear 

Since  we  enjoy'd  your  presence  here ; 

I  feel  it  always  as  a  treasure, 

And  wish  I  oft'ner  felt  the  pleasure." 

"  Bumpkin,  I  pray  you  move  the  dish, 

And  help  the  Doctor  to  somejish." 

"  Indeed  I  hope,  'tis  in  your  view 

To  pass  with  us  a  day  or  two. 

Nay  I  could  wish  it  might  be  more, 

And  lengthen'd  out  into  a  score." 

"  Bumpkin,  you  think  not  as  rwe  dine, 

That  some  folks  love  a  glass  of  iuine." 

"  I  have  not  seen  you  for  an  hour, 

Since  you  have  made  your  charming  Tour, 

And  I  shall  ask  you  to  display 

Its  hist'ry  in  your  rapid  way." 

"  Husband,  I'll  bet  my  life  upon  it, 

Our  kind  guest' s  plate  has  nothing  on  it ; 

Make  haste  and  give  it  a  supply 

Of  that  'well-looking  pigeon-pye. ' ' 

"  'Tis  a  fine  match  Miss  Worthy  made  : 

A  charming  girl,  I  always  said  ; 

And  does  those  qualities  possess 

That  claim  the  promis'd  happiness. 

Some  may  think  one  thing,  some  another  ; 

But  is  she  handsome  as  her  mother  ? 

Her  mamma's  auburn  locks,  I  own, 

Are  better  than  her  daughter's  brown, 

Although  the  latter  you  may  see, 

Dame  nature  has  bestow'd  on  me." 


1 6  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

"  'Squire  Bumpkin,  were  it  not  my  care 

To  see  how  all  about  me  fare, 

Our  Rev' rend  friend  would  have  good  luck, 

To  get  a  wing  of  that  Jine  duck." 

"  Since,  Doctor,  you  were  here  before, 

I've  added  to  my  Floral  store, 

And  some  fine  specimens  have  got 

Which  are  not  ev'ry  Florist's  lot, 

They're  in  the  happiest  state  to  view, 

And  will  be  much  admir'd  by  you." 

"  As  some  folk  do  not  seem  to  think, 

That  when  ive  eat,  ivc  'want  to  drink, 

I  ask  you,  Doctor,  if  you  II  join 

Tour  Hostess  in  a  glass  of  WINE  ? 

Tour  better  taste,  Sir,  will  prevail, 

Nor  share  in  vulgar  cups  of  ALE." 

"  My  new  Piano  has  a  tone 

Which  your  judicious  ear  will  own, 

At  least  to  me  it  so  appears, 

Such  as  one  very  seldom  hears. 

I  too  of  late  have  practis'd  much, 

And  am  improv'd  in  time  and  touch  ; 

Thus  with  your  fiddle's  well-known  power, 

We  shall  delight  an  evening  hour." 

The  Doctor  made  his  frequent  bow, 
And  yes  replied,  or  answer'd  no, 
Just  as  the  lady's  words  requir'd, 
Or  as  his  empty  plate  inspir'd. 
Indeed,  it  clearly  must  appear 
He'd  nought  to  do  but  eat  and  hear  ; 
While  the  calm  Husband's  sharpen'd  knife 
Obey'd  the  orders  of  his  Wife. 

Thus  Madam,  with  habitual  art, 
Continued  her  presiding  part ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  17 

Did  with  her  smiles  the  Doctor  crown, 
Or  silence  Billy  with  a  frown  ; 
And,  in  a  well-adapted  measure, 
Alternately  display'd  her  pleasure ; 
Her  tongue  was  never  at  a  stand, 
But  play'd  at  Question  and  Command : 
She  could  affirm  and  could  deny 
With  mild  impetuosity, 
And  scarce  her  question  could  be  heard, 
Ere  she  an  answer  had  preferr'd  : 
Thus,  till  the  absence  of  the  cloth, 
She  to  and  fro  employ'd  them  both  ; 
At  once  th'  attention  to  delight 
And  give  a  grace  to  appetite. 


The  dinner  pass'd  as  dinners  do  ; 
Ma'am's  health  was  drunk  and  she  withdrew  ; 
But  as  the  lady  left  the  chair 
With  solemn  smile  but  gracious  air, 
"Doctor,"  she  said,  "I  know  your  taste 
Is  not  your  time  and  thoughts  to  waste 
In  that  intemp' ranee  which  gives  birth 
To  boist'rous  noise  and  vulgar  mirth, 
Which,  with  its  loud  and  clam'rous  brawls, 
Too  oft  has  echoed  in  these  walls  ; 
But,  if  I  can  such  feats  restrain, 
Shall  seldom  echo  here  again. 
Pray  let  not  that  good  man  prevail 
To  swill  yourself  with  sluggard  ale  : 
But  when  you've  sipp'd  a  glass  or  so 
Of  wine  that  makes  the  bosom  glow, 
Let  him  go  booze  his  fav'rite  liquor 
With  the  exciseman  and  the  vicar, 
While  I  expect  my  rev'rend  friend 
Will,  in  the  drawing-room  attend." 

VOL.  in. — 2 


1 8  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  rev'rend  Friend  bow'd  his  assent, 

And  with  a  flirt  the  lady  went. 

The  'Squire  who  scarce  had  spoke  a  word 

While  dinner  smok'd  upon  the  board, 

No  sooner  was  the  fair-one  gone 

But  he  assum'd  a  lofty  tone. 

BUMPKIN. 

"  Doctor,  I  hope  you  know  me  better 
Than  to  suppose  that  I  can  fetter 
My  sports  and  pleasures  to  the  will 
Of  that  same  tongue  that  ne'er  lies  still : 
You  saw  what  pretty  airs  she  gave, 
As  if  I  were  a  very  slave  ; 
But,  my  good  friend,  as  you  were  by 
1  did  not  chuse  to  look  awry. 
Nor  would  I  wound  your  rev'rend  cloth, 
By  rapping  out  a  swinging  oath, 
Which,  but  from  my  respect  to  you, 
I  was  full  well  inclin'd  to  do, 
And  would  at  once  have  brought  her  to.     J 
Yes,  she  may  toss  her  head  and  hector, 
But  she  shall  have  a  curtain  lecture : 
I'll  make  the  saucy  madam  weep, 
Believe  me,  ere  she  goes  to  sleep. 
I  married  Mary  for  her  beauty, 
And  faith  I'll  make  her  do  her  duty. 
Pray  tell  me,  friend,  what  means  you  took 
When  a  pert  speech  or  haughty  look 
Was  darted  at  you  from  your  wife, 
And  threaten'd  matrimonial  strife  ?  " 

SYNTAX. 

"  She  never  spoke  a  saucy  word, 
She  ne'er  an  angry  look  preferr'd  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  19 

Affection  dwelt  within  her  eye 
And  all  her  speech  was  harmony : 
But  let  I  pray  that  subject  rest, 
Nor  wake  the  sorrows  of  my  breast : 
For  here  I  came  on  pleasure  bent,  ~| 

To  share  your  well-known  merriment, 
And  find  good  humour  and  content ; 
My  gloomy  fancies  to  beguile 
And  learn  from  you  a  cordial  smile. 
Come,  come,  a  foaming  bumper  quaff, 
And  let  me  hear  you  loudly  laugh." 

This  counsel  given  in  solemn  measure, 
Appear'd  to  check  the  'Squire's  displeasure ; 
But  though  his  spirits  ceas'd  to  flutter, 
His  pouting  lips  were  seen  to  mutter. 

At  length  the  coffee  was  announc'd : 
Again  he  swell'd,  look'd  big  and  bounc'd  : 
But  when  the  bell  was  made  to  ring,  } 

For  well  he  knew  who  pull'd  the  string, 
Another  song  he  chose  to  sing. 
*'  My  worthy  friend  as  you  are  here, 
I  in  good  humour  will  appear, 
And  since  the  meagre  slip-slop's  made, 
I  think  the  call  should  be  obey'd. 
But  one  glass  more  I  must  engage, 
My  present  feelings  to  assuage, 
Though,  to  speak  truth,  I'm  always  dry 
When  this  same  bev'rage  meets  my  eye." 

Now  led  by  fragrance  and  perfume, 
They  pass'd  into  the  drawing-room, 
Which,  from  its  bright  display  of  flowers, 
Might  pass  for  one  of  Flora's  bowers. 


20  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— Syntax  enchanted  at  the  sight, 
Broke  forth  in  language  of  delight. 
"  — When  the  Creator's  works  I  view 
And,  wond'ring,  the  bright  course  pursue  ; 
And  from  sublimest  objects  range 
To  most  minute  in  endless  change  ; 
If  in  those  works  that  meet  the  eye, 
From  sky  to  earth,  from  earth  to  sky, 
He  in  the  greatest  stands  confest, 
Still  is  he  greater  in  the  least."  l 

Thus  as  he  spoke,  with  ardent  glow, 
Of  all  the  various  tribes  that  grow 
Or  in  the  garden  or  the  field, 
Or  which  the  rock  or  mountain  yield, 
From  the  wide  spreading  cedar  tall, 
To  the  low  hyssop  on  the  wall, 
The  yawning  'Squire  devoid  of  thought, 
With  lazy  stride  the  sofa  sought, 
The  cushions  cufPd  with  all  his  strength, 
And  then  laid  down  his  listless  length. 
Madam  grew  red,  and  then  grew  white, 
And  gave  her  rosy  lips  a  bite, 
Which  might  denote  an  inclination 
To  gratify  a  rising  passion  : 
When  the  Divine  to  turn  aside 
The  rising  burst  of  wounded  pride, 
Continued,  with  encreasing  force, 
The  fervour  of  his  sage  discourse; 
But  as  the  lady  lent  her  ear, 
To  what  she  was  so  charm'd  to  hear, 
Poor  Bumpkin  with  a  snort  and  snore, 
Roll'd  from  the  sofa  on  the  floor : 


1  Si  1'  Auteur  de  la  Nature  est  grand  dans  les  grandes 
choses,  il  est  tres  grand  dans  les  petites. — J.  J.  ROUSSEAU. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  21 

The  servants  did  their  master  shake, 

But  he  was  not  dispos'd  to  wake  : 

"  There,"  said  their  mistress,  "  let  him  lay, 

To  pass  another  hour  away. 

Oh  Doctor !  ought  I  not  to  bless 

My  share  of  married  happiness  ! 

Is  not  this  quite  enough  to  shame  me  ? 

Nay,  can  you  for  my  anger  blame  me  ? 

Excuse  me,  but  I  scarce  should  weep 

If  this  were  his  eternal  sleep. 

— Where  the  taste  and  tempers  vary, 

0  what  a  folly  'tis  to  marry  ! 
The  greatest  fortune  will  not  suit 
The  gentle  spirit  with  the  brute  : 
Nor  the  fond,  tender  inclination, 
With  a  mere  instinctive  passion, 

Nor  the  affection  of  the  soul  1 

With  the  rude  mind  that  claims  the  whole,      x 
And  will  not  share  the  kind  controul. 
-'Tis  true  I  have  a  coach- and- four, 
Whene'er  I  call  it,  at  my  door : 
Or,  as  I  please  to  take  the  air 
Command  the  ponies  to  a  chair : 
And  when  I  ride,  I  also  see 
The  Beauty  Mare  reserv'd  for  me. 

1  decorate  my  drawing-room 

With  earliest  flowers  to  breathe  perfume, 
And  if  I  chuse,  I  have  the  power 
Winter  to  clothe  with  vernal  bower : 
And  if  it  should  my  fancy  suit, 
To  taste  in  Spring  the  Summer  fruit ; 
While  my  gay  pride,  may,  to  excess, 
Enjoy  the  toilette's  happiness. 
I  can  make  this  old  mansion  gay, 
With  song  or  dance  in  any  way 


22  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

That  my  fine  vanity  may  chuse 

The  neighb'ring  circle  to  amuse. 

All  this  you  know,  perhaps,  but  still 

It  does  not  my  fond  wish  fulfil. 

You,  Sir,  may  ask,  the  question's  fair, 

What  'tis  I  want  I  do  not  share  ? 

What  is  it  I  do  not  receive 

Which  a  fond  husband's  bound  to  give  ? 

That  secret,  Doctor,  I'll  impart : 

I  want  what  he  has  not — a  heart : 

Yes  one,  where  tender  feeling  rules, 

And  warm  affection  never  cools. 

I  want  a  character  refin'd  ] 

Grac'd  by  a  cultivated  mind, 

Where  taste  and  science  are  enshrin'd  ;     J 

With  manners  that  from  kindness  flow, 

Speech  that  is  chaste,  and  thoughts  that  glow. 

Failings  e'en  in  the  best  must  be, 

But  love  would  ne'er  those  errors  see, 

When  it  th'  enraptur'd  power  possest 

To  nestle  in  a  noble  breast. 

— On  shaggy  mountain's  lofty  brow, 

Or  in  the  woody  vale  below, 

Or  by  the  ocean's  craggy  side,         1 

Believe  me,  I  would  rather  bide, 

With  such  a  being  by  my  side, 

Than  with  stupidity  to  live 

And  all  the  show  which  wealth  can  give  ; 

Though  that  show  tempted  me  to  join 

A  Booby's  lasting  lot  with  mine : 

Such  is  my  fate,  for  you  must  see 

To  whom  false  fortune  coupled  me." 


The  slumb'ring  'Squire  now  op'd  his  eyes, 
Look'd  round  the  room  with  dull  surprise, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  23 

Then  slowly  rose  and  shook  his  head, 
Call'd  for  a  light  and  went  to  bed. 

MRS.  BUMPKIN. 

"  Since,  my  good  Sir,  what  has  appear'd, 
Which  you  have  seen  as  well  as  heard, 
You  must  acknowledge  my  complaint 
Doth  ask  the  patience  of  a  Saint." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Excuse  the  liberty  I  take 
When  thus  I  most  sincerely  speak  ; 
But  that  same  virtue  would  confer 
Perfection  on  your  character. 

0  let  me  beg  you  to  attend 

To  the  kind  counsels  of  a  friend  ! 
The  die  is  cast,  the  deed  is  done, 
The  cord  is  fast  that  makes  you  one : 
Though,  if  well  order'd,  I  confess 

1  see  no  bar  to  happiness. 
When  I  perceive  the  nat'ral  state 
Of  reason  in  your  married  mate, 

I  would  consent,  in  word  and  deed, 

That  you,  fair  Dame,  should  take  the  lead  ; 

But  then  employ  your  better  powers 

To  rule  by  sweets  and  not  by  sours. 

Madam,  the  ancient  proverb  says, 

Which  words  can  never  duly  praise, 

That  one  rich  drop  of  Honey  sweet, 

As  an  alluring,  luscious  treat, 

Is  known  to  tempt  more  flies,  by  far, 

Than  a  whole  tun  of  Vinegar. 

— Ask  with  kind  words,  he'll  ne'er  deny,     1 

Give  winning  looks  and  he'll  comply 

With  waken'd  sensibility. 


24  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

If  you  but  smile  and  never  frown 
He'll  shape  his  wishes  to  your  own  : 
Nay,  symptoms  of  obedience  show, 
Whether  you  do  obey  or  no. 
Thus  blest  with  temper's  cloudless  ray 
Your  morrow  will  be  like  to-day. 
O  let  him  not  perceive  you  rule, 
Nor  ever  treat  him  like  a  fool ; 
Do  not,  at  least,  to  others  show, 
If  he  be  such,  you  think  him  so. 
O  ne'er  again  delight  to  tease  him, 
But  look  as  if  you  wish  to  please  him. 
Check  notions,  that  so  idle  prove, 
Of  Shepherds  and  Arcadian  love  : 
Your  active,  well  instructed  mind, 
To  such  vagaries  should  be  blind, 
Let  not  your  fancy  e'er  refine 
Beyond  calm  reason's  fair  design, 
But  leave  to  Misses  of  eighteen 
The  raptures  they  from  Novels  glean, 
You  surely  have  the  means  to  bless 
Your  life  with  social  happiness  ; 
And  O  beware,  you  do  not  spoil 
Your  comforts  with  domestic  broil !  " 

MRS.  BUMPKIN. 

"  Doctor,  I  do  admire  your  plan, 
And  I'll  pursue  it — if  I  can  : — 
But  as  so  learn'd  you  seem  to  be 
In  all  domestic  policy, 
'Tis  pity  you  do  not  again 
Assume  the  matrimonial  chain." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Madam,  you've  touch'd  a  tender  string, 
That  doth  to  my  remembrance  bring 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE 

The  heavy  loss  I  have  sustain'd 
Of  virtues  ne'er  to  be  regain'd. 
My  dearest  Dolly  was  to  me 
What  I  wish  ev'ry  wife  to  be  ; 
And  since  the  darling  saint  is  gone, 
I  feel  it  sad  to  be  alone ; 
But  still  my  doubts  I  cannot  smother, 
Of  ever  getting  such  another." 

MRS.  BUMPKIN. 

"  You  have  my  happiness  in  view, 
And  I  must  feel  the  same  for  you. 
I  have  a  very  pleasing  friend 
Whom  to  your  thoughts  I  shall  commend  ; 
And,  if  my  judgment  does  not  err, 
In  form  and  age  and  character, 
Dear  Mrs.  Hyacinth  will  prove 
An  object  fit  for  you  to  love. 
She  in  retirement's  peaceful  dell 
Doth  in  her  widow'd  cottage  dwell, 
Though,  if  her  thoughts  to  me  are  known, 
She  wishes  to  live  less  alone. 
Her  mind  employs  the  quiet  hours 
In  study,  and  in  nursing  flowers, 
For,  as  I  hope,  you  soon  will  see, 
She  has  a  taste  for  Botany ; 
And  her  delight  as  well  as  glory 
Is  in  her  gay  conservatory. 
Nor  is  this  all — for  you  will  find,  1 

That  with  chaste  manners  is  combin'd       V 
A  well  form'd  and  accomplished  mind.      J 
At  all  events  my  friend  may  call 
To  make  his  bows  at  Tulip-Hall ; 
( For  by  that  name  the  place  is  known 
Which  she  is  proud  to  call  her  own.) 


26  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

While  I  its  mistress  will  prepare 

To  give  you  a  kind  welcome  there  : 

And  much  I  wish  that  Heaven  may  bless 

My  friends  with  mutual  happiness. 

That  flowers  which  sweetest  fragrance  breathe 

May  form  an  Hymeneal  wreath, 

With  fairest  hopes  your  life  to  crown, 

When  this  fair  Dame  may  be  your  own." 

— The  Doctor  promis'd  to  obey, 

And  in  high  spirits  more  than  gay, 

He  joyous  kiss'd  the  lady's  hand, 

And  bade  her  all  his  soul  command. 

— Brief  was  the  evening's  calm  repast : 

The  time  of  rest  arriv'd  at  last, 

When  the  sage  pass'd  its  balmy  hours 

In  dreams  of  Hymen  crown'd  with  flowers. 

The  morning  came  when  a  smart  stroke 
At  chamber-door,  the  Doctor  woke  ; 
And  strait,  in  rather  serious  mood, 
By  the  bed-side  'Squire  Bumpkin  stood. 
Syntax  now  rubb'd  his  eyes,  amaz'd, 
And  on  the  intruding  figure  gaz'd  ; 
Who  lolling  on  an  elbow-chair, 
Began  his  errand  to  declare. 

"  — To  wake  you  thus  may  be  distressing, 
But  let  me  speak  while  you  are  dressing." 
Syntax  soon  shook  off  his  alarms, 
Yawn'd  wide,  and  stretching  out  his  arms, 
"  Speak  on,"  he  said,  "  my  worthy  friend, 
And  I  will  to  your  words  attend." 

BUMPKIN. 

"You  must  have  seen,  with  half  an  eye 
The  kind  of  animosity, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  27 

In  greater  or  in  less  degree, 
That  reigns  between  my  wife  and  me : 
And  as  you  are  a  man  of  science, 
On  whom  I  have  profound  reliance, 
Tell  me  the  track  I  should  pursue  ; 
What  to  avoid  and  what  to  do, 
When  to  controul  it  would  be  fit, 
And  when  'twere  better  to  submit : 
In  short,  that  this  great  house  may  be 
A  scene  of  greater  harmony. 
I  do  not  such  a  polish  wear 
As  doth  the  exterior  form  prepare, 
To  rank  among  the  dandy  fools, 
Who  are  gay  fashion's  fribbling  tools  : 
But  what  I  do  should  not  provoke 
Her  saucy  wit's  sarcastic  joke, 
And,  showing  off  her  lively  sense, 
Make  others  laugh  at  my  expence, 
Of  which  she's  sometimes  too  profuse, 
But  I  think  worse  than  rank  abuse ; — 
For  if  in  that  she  chose  to  stir 
I  fancy  I  could  equal  her. 
But,  to  my  friend,  I  here  declare  it, 
I've  sometimes  said  I  will  not  bear  it." 


Syntax  as  he  his  garters  tied, 
Thus  with  half-open'd  eyes,  replied, 
"  You  have,  all  know,  a  generous  heart, 
That  spurns  the  unmanly  tricks  of  art ; 
Nor  are  you  wanting  to  pursue 
What  common-sense  holds  forth  to  view, 
And  these  short  precepts  you  will  find 
The  best  directors  of  your  mind  ; 
Nay  be  assur'd,  they  will  succeed, 
To  set  you  right  in  word  and  deed. 


28  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

A  sportsman  knows  'tis  to  his  cost 
Who  takes  the  wrong  side  of  the  post : 
As  on  the  course,  so  in  life's  stake, 
You  must  agree  to  give  and  take : 
To  bear  and  forbear  is  a  rule, 
A  lesson  prime,  in  reason's  school. 
Try,  as  you  can,  your  best  to  please,     1 
And,  when  she  that  endeavour  sees, 
I'm  sure  she  will  no  longer  tease." 
" — This  is  good  preaching,"  Bumpkin 

said, 

"  For  you  well  understand  your  trade. 
That  it  is  true  must  be  confest, 
And,  faith,  I'll  try  to  do  my  best."- 
— He  kept  his  word,  and  so  did  she  ; 
At  breakfast  all  was  pleasantry : 
And  thus,  the  gloomy  season  past, 
'Twas  hop'd  the  Halcyon  time  might  last. 


When  Syntax  rose  to  take  his  leave, 
He  said,  "  this  counsel  kind  receive  : 
I  do  prefer  it  nothing  loth  ; 
And  mind — I  give  it  to  you  both. 
— For  trifles  ne'er  contest  the  field, 
But  rather  struggle  who  shall  yield. 
Let  but  Affection  bear  the  sway, 
And  you  will  struggle  to  obey : 
That  feeling  ever  checks  the  strife 
Which  tends  to  poison  wedded  life. 
Call  but  affection  to  your  aid, 
And  the  tongue  never  will  upbraid  ; 
The  heart  is  then  a  kind  of  Heaven, 
Where  ev'ry  failing  is  forgiven. 
Without  it,  sad  is  Hymen's  reign, 
And  fortune's  smiles  are  shed  in  vain  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  29 

O  let  but  that  the  union  bless, 
And  the  sure  boon  is  happiness." 


The  Doctor  now  his  way  pursued 
Through  verdant  dale  and  shady  wood, 
While  he  reflected  on  the  scene 
Of  Hymen's  joys,  where  he  had  been, 
And  rather  doubted  if  again 
He  should  receive  the  marriage  chain. 
"  Patrick,"  he  said,  "  how  did  you  find 
The  place  which  we  have  left  behind  ? 
Had  you  kind  hospitable  fare, 
In  the  domestic  regions  there  ? 
And  were  you  free  and  joyous  all, 
In  butler's  room  and  servants'  hall !  " 
"  Oh,  as  for  those  things,"  Pat  replied, 
"  Plenty  and  joy  do  there  reside  : 
But  though  I've  travell'd  kingdoms  o'er, 
I  never  heard  such  things  before. 
The  lady  doth  a  form  display 
But  seldom  seen  in  summer's  day  : 
Nor,  then  the  'Squire,  doth  the  sun 
A  finer  figure  shine  upon  ; 
And,  in  some  way,  I  understood 
From  morn  to  night  they're  doing  good. 
The  poor  are  never  seen  to  wait 
In  vain  attendance  at  their  gate  ; 
Nor  pain  nor  sickness  ever  feel 
The  want  of  means  to  soothe  and  heal ; 
While  children,  ere  they  run  along, 
Are  taught  to  know  the  right  from  wrong. 
— But  here,  and  please  you,  Sir's  the  bother, 
They're  kind  to  all  but  one  another ; 
And  scarce  there  passes  on  a  day, 
But  they're  engag'd  in  angry  fray, 


30  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

When,  by  her  woman,  I  was  told, 

He's  heard  to  growl,  and  she  to  scold, 

Though,  as  she  said,  things  might  be  worse, 

For  the  grey  mare's  the  better  horse. 

You  may  explain,  Sir,  if  you  please, 

Such  uncouth  odds  and  ends  as  these  ; 

But  faith,  to  me  it  doth  belong, 

To  shut  my  eyes  and  hold  my  tongue, 

Unless  you  do  the  fancy  take, 

By  way  of  joke,  to  hear  PAT  speak." 


Thus  as  they  went,  a  coming  storm 
Did  the  sky's  azure  face  deform, 
Whose  menace  bade  them  look  around 
To  where  a  shelter  might  be  found  ; 
And  soon  a  pleasing  cot  was  seen 
Amid  the  hamlet  on  the  green : 
The  honeysuckle  flaunted  o'er 
The  porch  that  stood  before  the  door  : 
Nor  did  the  ivy  fail  to  crawl, 
In  spreading  verdure,  o'er  the  wall : 
Away  from  the  world's  noisy  din, 
It  look'd  the  seat  of  peace  within. 
Thither  they  did  in  haste  repair 
And  found  a  smiling  welcome  there. 
All  look'd  so  nice,  so  clean  and  warm, 
Within  the  comfortable  farm, 
When  she  appear'd,  the  way  to  show, 
Whose  household  care  had  made  it  so. 
The  Dame  with  smiles,  the  Doctor  greeted, 
Desired  his  Rev'rence  would  be  seated, 
And  did,  with  curtsying  grace,  prepare 
The  comforts  of  an  easy  chair  ; 
Hasten'd  his  gaiters  to  untie, 
And  hung  them  at  the  fire  to  dry : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  31 

Then  humbly  hop'd  he  would  receive 
The  entertainment  she  could  give. 
"  There  is  a  pye  in  oven  baking, 
There  are  hog's  puddings  of  my  making, 
And  no  rich  'Squire,  throughout  the  vale, 
Can  give  a  better  cup  of  ale." 
Nay,  Syntax,  e'en  with  well  lin'd  purse, 
Might  have  gone  farther  and  far'd  worse. 
" — I  here,"  he  said,  "see  children  four, 
Pray,  Goody,  have  you  any  more?" 
"  Not  yet,  Sir,  but,  as  I'm  their  mother, 
I  hope  in  time  to  give  another  ; 
Which  I,  it  seems,  begin  to  show, 
As  all  who  use  their  eyes  may  know." 
"  Well  my  good  woman,"  Syntax  said, 
"  I  see  one  great  command  obey'd  ; 
With  that  you  piously  comply  : — 
I  mean  — ENCREASE  AND  MULTIPLY." 
— Himself  and  the  good  dame  to  please, 
He  took  the  children  on  his  knees ; 
Then  danc'd  the  urchins  too  and  fro, 
And  sung  as  nurses  often  do. 

SONG. 

Lullaby  Baby,  'where  shall  <we  go. 

Lullaby  Baby,  up  in  a  tree, 
There  tve  shall  find  a  pretty  bird's  nest, 

For  Lullaby  Baby,  for  Charley  and  me. 
For  Charley  and  me,  for  Charley  and  me, 
Lullaby  Baby,  for  Charley  and  me. 

Lullaby  Baby,  when  the  birds  sing, 
Lullaby  Baby,  the  cuckow  and  all ; 

Then  ive  shall  smell  all  the  sweets  of  the  Spring, 
With  Lullaby  Baby,  and  Charley  and  all. 
Charley  and  all,  etc.  etc. 


32  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Lullaby  Baby  in  cradle  doth  sleep. 
Lullaby  Baby  the  joy  of  its  mother. 

Who  'will  soon  if  she  doth  a  right  reckoning  keep, 
Give  to  Lullaby  Baby  a  sister  or  brother. 
A  sister  or  brother,  a  sister  or  brother, 
Give  to  Lullaby  Baby  a  sister  or  brother. 

"  O  Sir,"  she  said,  "  you  are  too  good 
Thus  to  delight  my  pretty  brood : 
Not  one  of  whom  I  e'er  would  give 
Though  the  king's  crown  I  should  receive : 
But,  as  you  have  a  foot  to  spare, 
Will  you  just  rock  the  cradle  there." 

The  Doctor  was  in  full  content, 
When  he  perceiv'd  a  certain  scent, 
Which  was  not  like  the  sweets  of  spring 
That  he  had  just  been  pleas'd  to  sing, 
But  the  Muses'  dainty  noses 
Are  so  used  to  pinks  and  roses, 
That  they  know  not  how  to  tell 
The  nature  of  a  vulgar  smell. 

"  What  mischief,"  Goody  cried,  "  is  brewing  ! 
God  bless  the  child,  what  is  he  doing ; 
And  now,  indeed,  I  do  perceive, 
As  I  must  tell  you  by  your  leave, 
The  worm-pills  which  he  takes,  good  Sir, 
Have  just  begun  to  make  a  stir : 
But  still,  I  hope,  no  harm  is  done. 
Come,  sweetest  babe,  beneath  the  sun  !  " 
And  with  the  child  away  she  run. 

Into  such  laugh  the  Doctor  broke 
That  made  him  look  as  he  would  choke. 
And  still,  with  ridicule  at  heart, 
He  sung  and  play'd  the  nurse's  part. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  33 

Then  lifted  up  his  eyes  to  Heaven, 
As  if  some  blessing  had  been  given. 
"'Tis  thus,"  he  said,  "  Affection  grows, 
And  thus  the  fond  deceit  bestows  : 
See  what  a  mother  will  not  do, 
What  will  she  not,  when,  to  her  view, 
The  fondling  in  her  arms  doth  rest, 
Or  seeks  the  fluid  from  her  breast. 
'Tis  the  same  glowing  sense  that  burns 
In  father's  breast,  as  he  returns 
From  hardy  toil,  and  doth  repay 
The  labour  of  each  passing  day, 
When  on  his  knees  an  infant  pair 
Ask  by  their  looks  the  kiss  to  share." 

To  give  that  kiss,  to  feel  that  glow, 
JOHN  enter'd  with  submissive  bow, 
Nor  did  he  want  the  smiling  grace 
Of  welcome  on  his  ruddy  face. 

FARMER  JOHN. 

"  An'  please  your  Rev'rence  here  we  are 
Attending  on  our  daily  care  : 
I  through  my  little  fields  must  roam 
While  MARY  governs  things  at  home  : 
She  is  a  kind  industrious  wife 
The  blessing  of  a  husband's  life  ; 
And  she,  I  doubt  not,  would  agree 
To  speak  with  same  content  of  me. 
We,  it  is  true,  must  have  our  cares, 
Which  mortal  man  in  common  shares. 
The  storm  will  sometimes  blast  the  field, 
And  fruit-trees  will  refuse  to  yield ; 
While  some  incurable  disease 
Does  on  our  flocks  and  cattle  seize : 

VOL.  in.— 3 


34  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  then  fair  plenty  comes  again, 

And  flocks  and  herds  adorn  the  plain. 

Though  whether  it  be  good  or  ill, 

We  patient  bear  our  maker's  will, 

Conscious  we  ought  not  to  repine : 

At  least  that's  MARY'S  way  and  mine. 

Thus  time  our  checquer'd  way  beguiles, 

I  never  frown,  she  always  smiles  ; 

For  Heaven  is  kind,  and,  as  you  see, 

Gives  us  both  health  and  industry  : 

While  it  will  be  our  constant  care 

These  little  bantlings  here  to  rear, 

In  what  our  humble  state  demands, 

The  honest  labour  of  their  hands. 

That  they  when  our  old  course  is  run, 

May  toil  and  thrive  as  we  have  done. 

— And  now,  I  hope  you  will  think  fit 

Of  what  we've  got  to  pick  a  bit. 

The  oven  does  a  pye  afford, 

The  ale  looks  bright  upon  the  board, 

The  liquor's  good  and  brisk  and  humming, 

And  soon  the  puddings  will  be  coming. 

Here  is  not  much  to  cut  and  carve, 

But  still  I  hope  we  shall  not  starve ; 

While  I  a  grateful  welcome  give 

To  what  your  kindness  may  receive." 

"  No,"  Syntax  said,  "  no  never  fear,         1 

I  stand  a  hungry  figure  here, 

And  thank  you  for  your  friendly  cheer.     J 

Besides  your  welcome  gives  that  zest 

Which  turns  a  morsel  to  a  feast ; 

That  feast,  my  friend,  I  now  enjoy, 

Which  satisfies,  but  does  not  cloy  : 

I'm  as  well-pleas'd  with  your  bestowing 

As  I  shall  be  where  I  am  going. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  35 

To  that  point  where  the  sun  does  rise, 

From  hence  my  present  journey  lies  : 

To-night,  Sir  Stately  Stirrup's  guest, 

I  hope  at  Stirrup- Hall  to  rest ; 

For  his  grave  worship  condescends 

To  number  me  among  his  friends." 

"  He  may  be  proud,"  said  John,  "  of  you,     1 

But  what  I  tell  you,  Sir,  is  true, 

His  flock  of  friends  is  very  few." 

The  Farmer  now  a  pipe  propos'd, 
The  Doctor  on  the  offer  clos'd ; 
And  John  who  was  not  prone  to  balk 
The  fancy  which  he  had  to  talk, 
Continued  with  his  rustic  force 
To  paint  the  Knight  in  his  discourse. 

FARMER  JOHN. 

"  He's  a  rum  codger  you  must  know  ; 
At  least  we  poor  folk  find  him  so. 
By  his  grand  politics  and  law 
He  keeps  the  country  round  in  awe : 
He  thinks  he  knows,  puff 'd  up  with  pride, 
Far  more  than  all  the  world  beside : 
But  when  did  any  body  hear, 
He  for  distress  e'er  shed  a  tear  ? 
Or  when  did  he  a  shilling  give 
A  wife  in  labour  to  relieve  ? 
Or  when  were  seen  the  hungry  poor 
Receiving  scraps  before  his  door  ? 
Nor  does  he  think  an  orphan's  blessing 
To  be  a  treasure  worth  possessing  ; 
But  warrants,  staves,  and  mastiffs  wait 
To  guard  the  approaches  to  his  gate. 
Yes,  all  his  acts  a  tyrant  show  him 
To  all  degrees  that  are  below  him  ; 


3  6  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But,  let  a  man  of  rank  go  by, 
He's  ready  in  the  dust  to  lie. 
From  me  the  laws  ne'er  find  a  breach, 
I  therefore  keep  without  his  reach  ; 
Though  if  the  hills  which  rise  between  us 
Could  from  his  paws  for  ever  screen  us, 
O  it  would  be  a  blessing  found 
By  all  the  grumbling  country  round  ! 
— You  did  not  know  his  former  wife : 
She  led  the  Knight  a  precious  life : 
That  over-bearing  haughty  spirit, 
Which  he  from  nature  does  inherit, 
She,  whene'er  she  pleas'd,  kept  under, 
With  look  of  flame  and  voice  of  thunder. 
He  went  abroad,  'tis  true,  to  rule, 
But  home  return'd  so  calm  and  cool, 
That,  but  excepting  form  and  name, 
None  would  believe  the  man  the  same. 
Nor  has  he  ever  yet  denied 
He  bless'd  the  day  on  which  she  died, 
And  that  he  thought  her  fun'ral  rite 
Was  not  a  very  mournful  sight. 
But  you  must  know,  as  I  suppose, 
For  'tis  what  all  the  country  knows, 
Ere  a  few  months  had  pass'd  away, 
Old  Stirrup- Hall  again  was  gay 
With  marriage  feast ;  and  a  young  bride 
Was  seen  to  grace  Sir  Stately's  side. 
She,  foolish  thing,  thought  it  a  gay  day 
When  golden  ring  made  her  a  Lady  ; 
But  though  she  now  precedence  takes 
Of 'Squires'  wives  around  the  lakes  ; 
And  though  she  doth  a  rank  display, 
Which  time  itself  can't  take  away, 
Yet  she  now  finds,  as  'tis  well  known, 
She  scarce  can  call  her  soul  her  own : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  37 

And  as  for  gaiety  or  pleasure 
'Tis  dealt  to  her  in  grudging  measure  : 
Nay,  it  is  thought,  as  some  folks  say, 
Who  see  and  hear  her  ev'ry  day, 
That  she  oft  wishes,  though  in  vain, 
She  were  Miss  Biddiken  again." 

SYNTAX. 

"  I  find,  my  friend,  that  you  know  more 
Than  I  have  ever  heard  before  : 
'Tis  strange  to  me  a  swain  like  you 
Can  such  a  scene  as  this  review ; 
And  how  it  is  you  thus  can  pry 
Into  domestic  history." 

FARMER  JOHN. 

"  On  market-days,  our  bus'ness  done 
We  sit  and  chat  and  have  our  fun  ; 
And  while  we  handle  pipe  and  pot, 
Our  betters,  Sir,  are  not  forgot. 
We  hear  the  bad  as  well  as  good 
In  ev'ry  farmer's  neighbourhood, 
And  broach  the  news,  with  equal  bounty, 
From  ev'ry  corner  of  the  County." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Well,  honest  John,  I  ask  you  then, 
What  do  you  say  of  Sommerden  ? " 

FARMER  JOHN. 

"  Another  cup  before  I  speak, 
And  then  I  will  the  freedom  take 
To  say  what's  in  the  country  said, 
Both  of  your  heart  and  of  your  head, 
Nor  fear  offence,  though  I  speak  true, 
For  good  alone  is  said  of  you. 


38  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— You're  call'd  a  man  of  deep  discerning, 
Fit  for  a  Bishop  by  your  learning  ; 
Pious  and  good,  yet  very  gay, 
And  that  you  on  the  fiddle  play : 
That  in  the  pulpit  you're  a  rare  one, 
And  lay  it  on,  and  never  spare  one  : 
As  for  the  bad  you  ne'er  defend  'em, 
But  headlong  to  the  devil  send  'em  : 
Though,  as  the  truth  you  wish  to  hear, 
And  what  you  preach  you  need  not  fear, 
Folks  say  that  you  are  rather  queer." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Give  me  your  hand,  my  honest  friend, 
To  more  than  this  I'll  ne'er  pretend : 
If  it  be  true,  I'm  well  content 
Or  for  my  life  or  monument. 
I  ask,  indeed,  no  higher  praise, 
While  Heaven  may  lengthen  out  my  days ; 
Nor  do  I  wish  a  better  fame, 
When  nought  is  left  me  but  a  name. 
Farewell,  for  the  declining  sun 
Tells  me,  at  length,  I  must  be  gone." 
— After  repeated  kind  caressing, 
The  Doctor  gave  the  babes  a  blessing, 
And  having  kiss'd  the  mother  too, 
"  I  feel,"  he  said,  "  my  thanks  are  due 
For  all  I  have  receiv'd  from  you  : 
But  keep  in  mind  our  Village  Fair, 
And  who  expects  to  see  you  there." 

He  trotted  off,  and  ere  the  ray 
Of  parting  Phoebus  clos'd  the  day, 
He  had  arriv'd  in  cleric  state, 
At  Stirrup-Hall's  old  fashion'd  gate. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  39 

PAT  quickly  made  the  bell  resound, 
That  echoed  all  the  court  around  : 
Nor  was  it  long  before  the  Knight, 
In  all  due  form  appear'd  in  sight, 
With  "  Glad  to  see  you,  how  d'ye  do  ? 
I  take  this  very  kind  of  you  :  , 
And  all  within  my  friendly  power, 
You  may  command  at  any  hour. 
— 'Tis  well  known  what  my  life  has  been. 
What  my  experienc'd  mind  has  seen  : 
I've  wrought  my  policy  so  nice, 
That  all  come  here  to  ask  advice, 
And,  if  your  wish  is  to  receive  it, 
You  know  who  is  prepar'd  to  give  it." 
They  enter'd — when  the  talk  began, 
And  the  long  conversation  ran, 
How  the  superior,  leading,  powers 
Employ'd  or  misemploy'd  their  hours  ; 
Who  at  the  nation's  helm  preside ; 
What  policy  or  statesmen  guide  : 
That  gross  corruption  sways  mankind, 
And  int'rest  base  perverts  the  mind  : 
How  bribes  have  blinded  common  sense, 
Foil'd  reason,  truth  and  eloquence : 
That  industry  the  state  maintains  ; 
That  honest  toil  and  honest  gains 
Our  fathers  rais'd  to  power  and  fame  ; 
That  virtue  boldly  scoffs  at  shame, 
And  all,  in  selfish  ends  pursuing, 
But  scramble  for  the  public  ruin. 
— At  length  Sir  Stately  condescends 
To  talk  of  neighbours  and  of  friends  ; 
The  hist'ry  of  the  County  Quorum, 
And  what  nice  cases  come  before  'em  ; 
While  from  his  known  superior  skill, 
They  all  submit  them  to  his  will. 


40  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

"  I've  heard,"  he  added,  "  what  has  past 
Since  I  beheld  your  Rev'rence  last : 
I'm  told  that  you  have  lost  your  wife, 
Who  gave  such  comfort  to  your  life : 
And  here,  perhaps,  you're  come  to  know 
My  thoughts  of  what  you  ought  to  do  ; 
Whether  your  griefs  at  once  to  smother, 
You  should  look  round  and  get  another, 
Or  on  one  pillow  lay  your  head, 
And  rest  you  in  a  widow'd  bed  : 
On  that  important  point,  I  pray, 
Hear  what  Sir  Stately  has  to  say. 
You  well  may  take  my  sage  advice, 
For,  Doctor,  I've  been  married  TWICE  ; 
And  though  to  own  it  I  am  loth, 
I've  had  but  bad  success  with  both. 


"  My  first  wife — 'tis  not  very  civil, 
But,  faith,  she  was  a  very  devil. 
She  brought  me  money,  brought  me  beauty, 
But  not  a  grain  of  nuptial  duty  ; 
For  all  she  at  the  altar  swore, 
Did  not  remain  the  day-light  o'er. 
Old  Stirrup-Hall  she  call'd  her  throne, 
And  here  no  master  would  she  own  : 
Whether  with  tongue  or  threat'ning  fist, 
In  vain  I  found  it  to  resist : 
At  length,  indeed,  I  thought  it  best, 
If  on  my  pillow  I  would  rest, 
To  let  fierce  Madam  have  her  way 
And  wield  at  home  the  sov' reign  sway. 
Thus  I,  who  daily  dealt  out  law, 
And  kept  the  neighbourhood  in  awe ; 
Though  potent  I  abroad  could  roam, 
Return'd  to  be  a  slave  at  home. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  41 

In  short  to  check  the  daily  storm, 

I  to  her  humours  did  conform ; 

And,  to  close  all  domestic  riot, 

I  held  my  tongue  and  liv'd  in  quiet : 

But  she  contriv'd  with  such  keen  art 

To  play  the  matrimonial  part, 

That  all  the  country  did  agree 

To  throw  the  real  blame  on  me : 

Nay,  I  must  own,  the  truth  to  tell, 

Domestic  things  she  manag'd  well. 

— Were  she  displeas'd,  and  we  alone,     1 

She  would,  but  in  a  soften'd  tone, 

Sharply  and  glibly  lay  it  on. 

Yes,  would  hiss  forth  in  viper's  phrase, 

Fool,  upstart,  and  et  ceteras  : 

But  if  a  creature  did  appear  1 

That  could  her  observations  hear 

'Twas  then  my  love,  my  knight,  my  dear.     J 

Though  'tis  long  past,  my  ear  still  rings, 

With  her  confounded  whisperings  ; 

And  every  fierce  and  taunting  look 

Are  character'd  in  mem'ry's  book. 

— Five  years  and  upwards  I  had  been 

Beneath  this  iron-scepter'd  queen, 

When  fate  most  kindly  set  me  free 

From  her  domestic  tyranny. 

Though  I  a  downcast  visage  bore, 

As  I  my  sable  trappings  wore ; 

Yet  I  must  honestly  confess, 

So  far  from  feelings  of  distress, 

'Twas  with  a  smiling  heart  I  trod, 

Behind  her  bier,  the  church-yard  sod ; 

And  silent  thought,  with  tearless  eye, 

This  was  a  happy  obsequy. 

But  still  I've  prov'd  without  disguise, 

Experience  has  not  made  me  wise  ; 


42  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  ere  another  year  was  flown, 
The  Church  made  me  and  LUCY  one, 
Whom  shortly  my  good  friend  will  see 
The  mirror  of  stupidity. 
The  one  so  wise  was,  she  must  rule, 
The  other  is  almost  a  fool, 
She,  such  a  cold,  unmeaning  elf, 
Thinks  not  for  me,  nor  for  herself, 
While  I  am  always  on  the  spur 
To  think  both  for  myself  and  her." 

"  Yes,"  Syntax  said,  "  to  me  it  seems 
You've  run  into  the  two  extremes  ; 
Your  mind,  I  think,  had  lost  its  force, 
Or  you'd  have  sought  the  middle  course. 
Your  conduct,  Knight,  but  seems  to  prove 
Reason  has  nought  to  do  with  Love. 
Philosophers  have  said,  'tis  true, 
And  it  may  be  applied  to  you 
That  Reason  fails  whene'er  the  dart 
Of  am'rous  passion  stabs  the  heart,1 
Or  when  its  secret  pulses  move 
To  beat  time  to  the  tune  of  love. 
'Tis  whim,  'tis  fancy,  or  'tis  chance, 
That  joins  us  in  the  wedding  dance  ; 
Though  some  have  thought  a  wayward  fate 
Commands  or  shapes  the  nuptial  state : 
By  others  an  opinion's  given 
That  marriages  are  made  in  Heaven ; 
Though  much  I  fear  you'll  not  agree     } 
In  that  sublime  Philosophy  ; 
But  'tis  a  diff'rent  case  with  me, 
Who,  from  my  sense  of  love's  dominion, 
Declare  I  join  in  the  opinion, 

1  Nemo  sobrius  amat. — SENECA. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  43 

That  wives  are  known  who  do  combine     1 

Some  little  spice  of  the  divine  ; 

At  least  that  was  the  case  with  mine. 

Nor  my  fond  hope  shall  I  now  smother, 

That  Syntax  self  may  get  another, 

Who  does  those  qualities  possess 

Which  promise  married  happiness  : 

And  as  I  do  with  candour  view, 

(I  do  not  say  'tis  so  with  you,) 

The  various  causes  which  perplex 

The  marriage  state  and  Hymen  vex, 

I  think  the  husband  frames  the  strife 

In  full  proportion  with  the  wife." 

"  You  men  of  learning,"  said  the  Knight, 
"  Who  in  your  closets  strike  a  light 
On  life's  so  sombre  mysteries, 
And  shape  and  paint  them  as  you  please ; — 
You  classic  men,  whose  fancy  gives 
A  colour  to  whatever  lives, 
To  all  our  sorrows  or  our  joys, 
To  what  delights  or  what  annoys, 
Your  fine-drawn,  your  high-flying  sense, 
Disdains  our  dull  experience, 
Which  measures  all  things  by  the  square, 
And  sees  things  as  they  clearly  are  ; — 
If  you  my  first  grand  wife  had  known, 
Who,  I  thank  Heaven,  is  dead  and  gone, 
That  she  was  fit,  you  would  have  said, 
E'en  to  have  shar'd  the  Thund'rer's  bed, 
A  Juno  she,  and  it  appears 
She  would  have  box'd  the  Thund'rer's  ears  ; — 
While,  as  I  speak,  you  may  divine, 
She  had  the  courage  to  box  mine, 
Nor  will  you  think  I  do  deplore 
That  she's  box'd  up  to  box  no  more. 


44  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  when  you  see  the  gentler  grace 
That  now  supplies  Ma'am  Barbara's  place, 
With  flowers  from  your  poetic  tree 
You'll  deck  her  insipidity, 
But  still  in  vain,  I  think  you'll  strive 
To  make  her  tell  you  she's  alive." 


Thus  as  they  talk'd  the  supper  came, 
And  with  it  the  insipid  Dame. 
"  Insipid  ?  "  to  himself  exclaim'd 
The  Rev' rend  Sage,  "how  falsely  nam'd  !  " 
If  ever  he  beheld  an  eye 
That  beam'd  with  kindred  sympathy  ; 
If  e'er  a  smile  on  features  play'd, 
That  a  benignant  heart  betray'd  ; 
If  ever  rightly  understood, 
He  saw  a  being  fair  and  good, 
He  could  those  charming  symptoms  trace 
In  Lucy's  manners,  Lucy's  face. 
But  amid  this  superior  merit,  1 

Which  he  believ'd  she  did  inherit,      |- 
He  saw  at  once  an  humbled  spirit.     J 
Nay,  now  he  felt  that  he  must  own, 
What  he  had  heard  from  Farmer  John  ; 
While  in  Sir  Stately's  voice  and  mien,     1 
Ungracious  speech  or  look  of  spleen, 
Was  but  too  plainly  heard  and  seen. 


The  Doctor  with  good-humour'd  chat, 
And  brisk  remark  on  this  or  that, 
Strove  from  the  fair  to  get  a  speech, 
But  that  was  not  within  his  reach  ; 
While  all  the  thoughts  he  did  display, 
Could  only  draw  a  yea  or  nay, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  45 

With  humble  bend  and  silent  grace, 
By  which  he  could  no  pleasure  trace, 
With  sometimes  an  uplifted  eye, 
A  hectic  blush,  or  gentle  sigh. 
— The  Doctor  felt  what  all  would  feel 
Who  could  another's  thoughts  reveal, 
And  saw  that  care's  corroding  dart 
Was  rankling  in  the  virtuous  heart ; 
While  over-bearing  power  sat  by, 
Nor  pitied  patient  misery. 


The  supper  o'er,  the  Lady  gone, 
(More  than  content  to  be  alone,) 
The  Knight  began,  with  bloated  pride, 
Both  love  and  lovers  to  deride, 
And  in  his  warmth,  declar'd  a  wife 
Seldom  improv'd  the  lot  of  life : 
At  least  Miss  Fortune,  in  her  whim. 
Had  fully  prov'd  it  so  to  him. 
"  I've  told  you,  that  my  former  choice 
Gave  me  no  reason  to  rejoice, 
And  the  last  gift  of  treach'rous  Cupid 
Is  pretty,  but  she's  very  stupid. 
— O  Doctor,  Doctor,  ne'er  again 
Bind  yourself  round  in  marriage  chain. 
If  in  love's  lottery  you  have  tried 
And  gain'd  a  prize  be  satisfied, 
Nor  hope  that  fickle  Fortune  e'er 
Will  make  you  twice  her  favorite  care. 
— Ask  not  for  beauty,  it  doth  lay 
Its  nets  of  roses  in  our  way, 
When  we  are  led  by  tint  and  shape, 
Like  Zeuxis'  birds  to  peck  the  grape; 
And  'stead  of  chaste  affection's  glow, 
We  find,  alas,  a  painted  show. 


46  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  if  you  are  resolv'd  to  try 

Once  more  a  nuptial  destiny, 

Which  my  experience  bids  me  say, 

Is  placing  you  in  danger's  way, 

Think  not  I  beg  about  the  charms 

That  waken  passion's  soft  alarms  ; 

But  let  a  fortune  and  sound  sense 

Determine  the  pre-eminence. 

I  know,  my  friend  that  you  inherit 

A  portion  large  of  manly  spirit, 

That  you  would  ne'er  be  brought  to  speak 

In  humble  tone  of  Jerry  Sneak  ; 

And  so  attach'd  to  learned  lore, 

Of  which  you  have  a  treasur'd  store, 

That  you  would  thus  describe  a  wife  : — 

One  who  had  such  a  view  of  life, 

Between  the  vulgar  and  refin'd, 

As  suits  the  tenor  of  your  mind  ; 

With  manners  too  of  that  degree 

Which  blends  with  Cleric  Dignity  : 

And  such  a  partner  could  you  find 

You  to  your  fate  might  be  resign'd. 


"  Nay,  now  I  think,  that  I  know  one, 
Our  friend  the  widow  Omicron, 
Who  may,  if  I  conjecture  right, 
Give  to  your  life  a  new  delight. 
She's  known  for  that  superior  knowledge, 
Which  would  do  honour  to  a  college  : 
Nay  in  a  college  she  was  bred, 
Of  which  her  father  was  the  Head  : 
By  a  learn'd  Dean  she  then  was  lov'd, 
Who  a  fond,  short-liv'd  husband  prov'd  ; 
But  left  her,  as  she  haply  found, 
His  books  with  twice  six  thousand  pound  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  47 

And,  as  her  fortune  I  review, 

Her  house  and  household  chattels  too : 

By  letter  I  will  recommend 

The  Doctor  to  this  female  friend. 

— Think  not  my  sage  that  I  am  prating, 

Ovid's  Epistles  she's  translating  ; 

And  that  pursuit  may  seem  to  prove 

The  Lady  somehow  thinks  of  love. 

Attack  her,  win  her,  wear  her  then, 

And  give  new  life  to  SOMMERDEN  !  " 

Thus  did  the  lengthen'd  evening  pass, 
Enliven'd  by  the  cheerful  glass  : 
But,  as  the  Sage  retir'd  to  rest,  1 

Fair  Lucy's  silent  charms  possest 
The  fine  warm  feelings  of  his  breast.      J 
Whether  th'  inspired  Doctor  thought 
Exactly  as  a  Doctor  ought, 
Or  whether  fancy  'gan  to  play, 
It  is  not  for  the  Muse  to  say ; 
But  PAT  declares  his  Master  said, 
As  he  was  stepping  into  bed, 
"  If  but  that  loit'ring  fellow  Death, 
Would  just  now  stop  Sir  Stately's  breath, 
And  set  the  charming  woman  free, 
I'd  ask  her  if  she'd  marry  me. 
No,  never  would  I  make  a  stir 
To  rule  the  house  and  govern  her, 
But  should  rejoice,  throughout  my  life, 
To  yield  me  up  to  such  a  wife  ; 
A  crowing  cock  I  should  be  then, 
Though  daily  peck'd  by  such  a  hen." 
Thinking  on  her  he  heav'd  a  sigh 
In  sad  and  pitying  sympathy ; 
And  seem'd  as  if  about  to  weep, 
Had  he  not  fallen  fast  asleep. 


48  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

At  early  hour  the  following  day 
Syntax  proceeded  on  his  way, 
Until  they  reach'd  a  shady  isle 
Where  all  the  gen'rous  virtues  smile, 
Those  virtues  which  had  long  possess'd 
A  mansion  in  NED  EASY'S  breast ; 
Who  here  enjoy'd  his  tranquil  lot, 
By  the  gay,  busy  world  forgot. 
— NED  in  his  early  life  was  known 
Through  all  the  purlieus  of  the  town, 
And  took,  'tis  said,  no  common  measure, 
Of  what  the  laughing  world  calls  pleasure. 
He  also  had  a  warrior  been, 
And  many  a  bloody  field  had  seen  ; 
Had  pass'd  the  salt  wave  o'er  and  o'er, 
And  swelter'd  on  the  sultry  shore  ; 
Had  bravely  sought  his  country's  foe 
In  vales  of  ice,  on  hills  of  snow  ; 
True  to  his  country,  which  he  serv'd, 
He  ne'er  from  rigid  honours  swerv'd  ; 
That  honour  was  his  brightest  aim, 
Nor  has  his  life  e'er  lost  the  name  ; 
But  when  peace  gave  the  joyous  word 
To  sheathe  the  sharp  and  blood-stain'd  sword, 
The  soldier  laid  his  trappings  by 
T'  enjoy  a  life  of  privacy, 
And  sought  the  tranquil  calm  retreat 
Of  his  retir'd,  paternal  seat, 
Where,  in  sweet  peace  and  rural  pride, 
The  'Squire,  his  father,  liv'd  and  died. 
Here  NED  with  good,  sound  common-sense, 
Health,  mirth  and  ample  competence, 
Laughs  at  the  busy  world,  and  all 
That  fashion's  votaries  pleasure  call : 
Here  all  his  various  wand' rings  cease, 
Here  all  his  labours  rest  in  peace. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  49 

His  mirth  is  pure,  with  harmless  wit, 

Nor  is  he  shy  of  using  it ; 

And  though  not  bred  in  learned  college, 

He  has  a  useful  store  of  knowledge ; 

While  cheerful,  bounteous,  frank  and  free, 

He  beams  with  hospitality. 

Good-humour  ever  seems  to  cheer  him, 

And  makes  all  happy  who  come  near  him : 

His  very  name  will  oft  beguile 

A  cheerless  thought,  and  cause  a  smile. 

Nay  it  is  true  that  since  he  married, 

Not  one  fond  hope  of  his  miscarried. 

And  that  is  rare,  you  must  agree, 

For  wives,  'Squire  NED  has  married  three  : — 

Nor  has,  as  yet,  the  growing  train 

Of  boys  and  girls  e'er  caus'd  him  pain. 

'Twas  nine,  as  the  clock  struck  the  hour, 
When  Syntax  reach'd  the  mansion  door. 
The  swelling  hills  that  rose  around 
Appear'd  with  sylvan  beauty  crown'd  ; 
The  lawns  display'd  a  charming  scene 
Of  waving  surface  cloth'd  with  green, 
While  the  lake  spread  its  waters  clear 
With  glittering  sun-beams  here  and  there  ; 
And  many  a  white,  expanding  sail 
Receiv'd  the  impulse  of  the  gale. 

SYNTAX. 

"  O  Nature  bright !   how  can  it  be,        ~| 
When  man  beholds  thy  charms,  that  he      V 
Can  be  insensible  to  thee  ! 
Whene'er  he  casts  his  upward  eye 
To  the  vast,  blue  ethereal  sky, 
Or  turns  it  to  the  wond'rous  robe 
That  clothes  the  surface  of  the  globe, 

VOL.  III.  -4 


50  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

With  all  the  expanse  that  man  can  see 

In  boundless  rich  variety 

Of  hill  and  dale,  of  plain  and  flood  ;        "I 

What  by  the  mind  is  understood  ? 

'Tis  NATURE  tells  of  NATURE'S  GOD  !      J 

— But  still  that  animated  thrush, 

Which  warbles  in  the  hawthorn  bush, 

Though  by  instinct  it  is  he  sings, 

Advances  in  the  scale  of  things, 

'Till  reason  doth  the  system  close, 

From  which  the  World  from  Chaos  rose. 

Nay,  there's  NED  EASY,  in  his  way, 

Teaching  his  growing  boys  to  play, 

To  strike  the  ball,  to  guard  the  wicket, 

In  all  the  mystery  of  cricket : 

Nor  can  I  bravely  blame  the  plan 

At  times  to  lay  aside  the  man, 

To  seize  the  frolic,  lively  joy, 

That  turns  the  man  into  the  boy !  " 

'SQUIRE  EASY  soon  the  Doctor  spied, 
When  he  approach'd  and  smiling  cried, 
"  You  as  a  learned  man,  I  know, 
Yes,  you  can  tell  me  where  and  who ; 
But  surely  as  my  name  is  Ned, 
In  some  old  history  I  have  read, 
Of  a  wise  people,  where  the  rule, 
Whether  they  were  at  home  or  school, 
Ne'er  did  permit  their  youth  to  eat 
'Till  by  some  grave  or  active  feat 
Of  mind  or  body,  they  had  won 
The  privilege  to  pick  their  bone. 
Who  used  to  place  the  bread  and  cheese 
On  topmost  boughs  of  lofty  trees, 
Nor  ever  suffer  them  to  eat  it, 
'Till  down  their  bows  and  arrows  beat  it ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  51 

Nor  did  they  get  a  steak  or  tart, 

'Till  it  was  struck  by  sling  or  dart. 

Nor  will  these  boys  their  breakfast  see, 

'Till  by  some  brisk  activity, 

Or  studied  lesson,  they're  prepar'd 

To  fix  their  teeth  in  their  reward. 

Hunger,  by  you  know  whom,  'tis  said, 

Will  break  through  walls  to  get  its  bread, 

And  here  my  notion  may  be  right,      "j 

That  this  same  hunger  may  incite,       > 

Of  learning's  loaf  to  get  a  bite. 

— I,  my  dear  Sir,  make  no  pretence 

To  more  than  gen'ral  common-sense, 

Which,  as  fam'd  Pope,  the  Poet,  says, 

A  genius  bright  of  former  days, 

Is  'mong  the  kindest  gifts  of  Heaven, 

And  fairly  worth  the  other  seven. 

When  fine  folks  smile,  I  never  mind  it ; 

I  take  the  world  just  as  I  find  it, 

Yes,  yes,  with  all  its  odds  and  ends, 

I  know  no  foes,  I  love  my  friends ; 

And  among  them,  it  is  most  true, 

Doctor,  I'm  proud  to  number  you. 

I'm  an  odd  fish,  but,  to  be  free, 

I'm  not  the  only  oddity : 

Others  there  are,  or  I  mistake, 

Who  make  folks  laugh  about  the  Lake  ; 

Where  I  remain,  all  tight  and  steady : — 

But  the  bell  rings,  and  breakfast's  ready  ; 

And  sure  I  am  Kate  will  rejoice, 

From  her  good  heart  to  hear  your  voice." 

— Indeed  her  heart  is  well  endued 

With  feelings  that  must  make  it  good  ; 

While  she  is  sprightly,  gay  and  free, 

The  flower  of  warm  civility. 


52  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

"  So  long,"  she  said,  "  the  time  has  been, 
Since  I  beheld  your  precious  chin, 
That  if  I  had  the  heart  to  scold  you, 
The  house  would  be  too  hot  to  hold  you. 
But  you,  my  friend,  are  wont  to  praise 
My  Edward's  cot  and  all  its  ways, 
And  though  some  formal  folks  beshrew  it, 
You'll  find  it  as  you  always  knew  it." 
— Thus  lively  pleasantry  prevail'd, 
The  Doctor's  stomach  never  fail'd  ; 
And  though  grave  thoughts  might  intervene 
At  sight  of  this  domestic  scene  ; 
Though  his  remembrance  might  be  cross'd 
By  thoughts  of  her  whom  he  had  lost ; 
Yet  the  mild  mirth  that  persever'd 
His  unresisting  spirits  cheer'd. 

"At  present,"  EASY  said,  "my  Kate 
Must  on  her  house  and  children  wait : 
But  in  a  busy  hour  or  two, 
She  will  reserve  herself  for  you, 
And  try  her  best  to  make  your  stay,      ] 
Which  we  request  for  many  a  day, 
A  pleasant  scene  of  grave  and  gay  ;       J 
While  we  will  have  our  friendly  talk 
Beneath  the  well-known  filbert  walk." 
— Within  that  undisturb'd  retreat 
They  sought  a  solitary  seat, 
When  EASY  the  discourse  began, 
And  thus  the  conversation  ran. 

NED  EASY. 

"  I  have  not  hinted  it  before, 
But  truly  I  your  loss  deplore  ; 
For  though  I'm  not  by  nature  taught 
To  court  grave  airs  or  solemn  thought, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  53 

But  rather  mirth  am  prone  to  deal  in, 

Yet  still,  I  trust,  I  have  the  feeling 

In  tales  of  real  woe  to  join, 

And  make  the  ills  of  others  mine  : 

Nay,  that  I'm  anxious  to  relieve 

All  such  as  want,  and  those  who  grieve  : 

Though  to  my  friend  I  freely  own 

Instead  of  answ'ring  moan  for  moan, 

I  rather  strive  to  laugh  away, 

The  thoughts  that  on  his  bosom  prey. 

—To  loss  of  friends  we  must  submit 

'Tis  a  wise  power  that  orders  it, 

And  when  our  joys  he  takes  away, 

His  sov'reign  will  we  must  obey : 

But  who  like  you  these  truths  can  tell, 

Who  all  our  duties  preach  so  well  ? 

If  weeping  would  relieve  you,  why 

Let  tears  flow  fast  from  either  eye, 

But  to  prevent  a  friend  from  dying, 

Sure  laughing  is  as  good  as  crying. 

— You've  lost  your  wife — what's  to  be  done  ! 

Why,  you  may  try  to  live  alone  : 

If  that  won't  do — what  doth  remain 

To  bring  past  comforts  back  again, 

But  without  any  fuss  or  pother, 

To  look  about  and  get  another ; 

And,  ere  a  reas'ning  hour  is  past, 

To  that  same  plan  I'll  nail  you  fast." 

SYNTAX. 

"  But  if  Sir  Stately  tells  me  true,  1 

'Tis  the  worst  thing  that  I  can  do, 
And  now,  Friend  Easy,  what  say  you  ?     J 
Full-well  you  know  the  Lordly  Knight, 
Is  fond  to  think  that  he  is  right, 


54  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Though  from  his  matrimonial  song, 
He  has  been  sometimes  in  the  wrong." 

NED  EASY. 

"  Wrong  do  you  say  ?  I  hate  the  brute  : 
He  does  not  with  my  nature  suit. 
A  brute  he  must  be,  who  commands 
Such  softness  with  such  iron  hands. 
Though  as  I  may  suppose,  you  know, 
His  first  wife  touch'd  him  up  or  so, 
A  woman  of  transcendent  merit, 
Who  would  not  bend  her  lofty  spirit 
To  a  vain  coxcomb's  tyrant  whim, 
Which  is  so  prevalent  with  him  : 
For  all  or  nought  he  made  the  clatter, 
So  justice  gave  the  fool  the  latter  : 
His  boasting  counsel  throw  aside, 
And  take  NED  EASY  for  your  guide. 
He  cannot  be  compar'd  to  me, 
With  his  two  wives,  when  I've  had  three ; 
Nor  shall  I  the  base  story  smother, 
Hen-peck'd  by  one,  he  flouts  the  other : 
I  do  not  mean  to  say  he  beats  her, 
But  like  a  baby  always  treats  her, 
While  I,  though  I  have  married  been 
So  many  years,  at  least  sixteen  : 
Yes,  I,  with  honest  heart  and  hand, 
Can  now  the  Dunmoiv  Flitch  demand." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Three  wives  you've  had  and,  as  you  state, 
Have  chosen  well  in  ev'ry  mate  ; 
Then  tell  me,  friend,  how  you  have  done, 
That  Syntax  may  chuse  such  a  one : 
Whether  it  be  from  common  sense, 
Or  fruits  of  sound  experience, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  55 

Or  chance,  or  happy  accident, 

Your  lot  is  one  of  such  content ; 

That  I  may,  lest  the  dames  should  flout  me, 

Know  how,  at  least,  to  look  about  me." 

NED  EASY. 

"  Well  then,  believe  me,  I  will  tell 
My  honest,  nuptial  chronicle  ; 
How  all  my  difPrent  courtships  thriv'd, 
How  I  made  love,  and  when  I  wiv'd ; 
'Tis  a  request  I  can't  refuse  you  : — 
At  all  events,  it  will  amuse  you. 

"When  I  first  sheath'd  the  shining  blade, 
And  thought  no  more  of  my  cockade, 
Having  escap'd  Bellona  s  rattle, 
And  all  the  risques  of  bloody  battle, 
With  limbs  all  sound,  nor  yet  a  scar 
Which  sometimes  spoils  a  face  in  war ; 
Tho'  dangers  I  ne'er  fail'd  to  dare, 
My  eye-brows  had  not  lost  a  hair, 
And  as  the  broad-sword  work  and  lancing, 
Had  not  cut  short  my  grace  in  dancing, 
I  'gan  to  think  what  I  should  prove 
If  Cupid  drill'd  me  into  love  ; 
What  guard  I  had  against  the  dart 
With  which  he  might  attempt  my  heart ; 
What  store  I  had  of  vows  and  sighs,          \ 
And  all  those  soft  idolatries 
Which  wake  kind  looks  in  ladies'  eyes.     J 
But,  while  I  these  attentions  paid, 
MARG'RET  appear'd,  a  blooming  maid, 
Who  seem'd,  I  thought,  well-pleas'd  to  hear 
All  that  I  whisper'd  in  her  ear. 
Egad,  I  ran  at  Miss  full  tilt, 
But,  in  a  week,  she  prov'd  a  JILT  : 


56  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

I  courted  with  a  chaise  and  pair, 
Which  seem'd  at  first  to  please  the  fair, 
But  soon  the  changeling  gave  me  o'er, 
For  courtship  in  a  coach  and  four. 

"  Then  CHARLOTTE  came,  a  perfect  grace 
In  outward  form,  but,  on  her  face 
Too  oft  was  seen  a  scowling  look, 
Which  my  calm  temper  did  not  brook : 
Nay,  I  had  heard  her  scold  her  mother, 
And  seen  her  cuff  her  little  brother. 
She  knew  how  to  show  off  a  charm, 
In  a  most  fine-turn'd  hand  and  arm, 
Which  a  known  sculptor  of  renown 
By  modelling  had  made  his  own, 
And  us'd  to  show  it  as  a  piece, 
That  rivall'd  the  best  works  of  Greece  : 
But  then  her  fingers  she  could  twist 
Into  a  firm  and  fearful  fist, 
And  much  I  fear'd,  when  married,  she 
Might  lay  that  fine  form'd  fist  on  me. 

"  MARIA  next  my  bosom  fir'd, 
And  fix'd  the  love  which  she  inspir'd. 
Her  auburn  locks  were  seen  to  break 
In  native  ringlets  on  her  neck  ; 
Her  smiles  did  to  her  face  impart 
The  goodness  of  a  tender  heart : 
In  all  her  steps  a  grace  was  seen, 
With  winning  words  and  gentle  mien. 
Oh,  while  she  liv'd  she  lovely  prov'd, 
And  never  ceas'd  to  be  belov'd  ! 
— No,  she  ne'er  left  me  in  the  lurch, 
No,  all  she  promis'd  in  the  church 
She  did  with  fondest  truth  fulfil : 
She  studied  and  obey'd  my  will ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  57 

While  her  ne'er-failing  kindness  I 
Return'd  with  grateful  sympathy. 
— These  rosy  hours,  as  thus  they  past, 
Were  far  too  blooming  long  to  last : 
Too  soon  she  died — and  jealous  Heaven 
Took  back  the  Angel  it  had  given. 

"  Two  years  pass'd  on  when  my  fond  grief 
Began  from  time  to  find  relief: 
Indeed  I  never  thought  again 
To  wear  the  Hymeneal  chain, 
'Till  lively  ISABEL  appear'd, 
Whose  pleasant  wit  my  bosom  cheer'd, 
And  there  inspir'd  a  subtle  flame, 
While  her  black  eye  confirm'd  the  same. 
But  as  our  intimacy  grew 
And  I  the  lady  better  knew, 
The  gewgaws  and  the  show  of  dress 
Seem'd  all  her  wishes  to  possess  ; 
Nor  could  I  happiness  foresee 
In  her  expensive  gaiety  : 
So  as  I  would  not  be  outwitted, 
I  quietly  the  Lady  quitted. 
She  threw  about  her  lively  flams, 
And  scatter'd  round  her  epigrams, 
Because  NED  EASY  would  not  waste 
His  rents  to  suit  her  tonish  taste, 
But  left  the  Miss,  as  I'm  afraid, 
To  be  an  antiquated  maid, 
And  to  lead  apes,  O  what  a  shame  ! 
Where  I,  indeed,  should  blush  to  name. 

"  I  next  became  the  favour'd  swain 
Of  sober  and  of  gentle  JANE, 
Whom,  with  ten  thousand  pounds,  I  led 
Well  pleas'd  to  share  my  marriage-bed. 


58  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

She  could  not  boast  the  pride  of  beauty, 
But  then  she  felt  the  housewife's  duty  : 
She  was,  indeed,  a  darling  honey, 
Who  lov'd  me  well  and  sav'd  my  money 
In  ev'ry  useful,  household  care, 
She  bore  a  more  than  equal  share : — 
To  scold  the  servant  she  was  free, 
But  then  she  never  scolded  me. 
Though  she  was  careful,  she  was  good, 
And  lov'd  by  all  the  neighbourhood : 
Though  foe  to  every  vain  expence, 
She  nourish'd  a  benevolence 
Which  aided  the  industrious  poor, 
And  fed  the  hungry  at  the  door. 
At  length  she  bore  me  children  twain ; 
But,  which  I  still  relate  with  pain, 
When  procreative  nature  stirr'd 
Its  innate  powers  to  give  a  third, 
She,  with  the  child,  her  new-born  pride 
At  morning's  dawn,  ere  evening  died. 


"  Now  discontent  for  once  possess'd 
The  interregnum  of  my  breast, 
And  sorrows,  scarcely  known,  encrease 
To  trouble  my  domestic  peace  : 
Hence  calm  reflection  bids  me  try 
In  Hymen's  chord  another  tie, 
To  soothe  a  widow'd  father's  care 
And  ease  the  toil  which  he  must  bear. 
The  widow  HARLEY  now  I  sought, 
Who  was  an  object  as  I  thought, 
Most  fit,  if  not  the  only  one, 
To  fill  her  place  so  lately  gone ; 
Who  would  a  tender  mother  prove 
To  babes  whom  I  so  fondly  love, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  59 

And,  with  a  warm  affection,  be, 

A  kind  and  faithful  wife  to  me. 

Nay,  as  she  had  a  little  pride, 

Whose  wants  her  fortune  ill  supplied, 

I  thought,  when  I  my  hand  should  proffer, 

She'd  jump  transported  at  the  offer  : 

But,  instead  of  grateful  graces, 

Smiling  looks  and  warm  embraces, 

She,  on  venal  interest  bent,          ~| 

A  rascally  attorney  sent 

To  claim  a  hungry  settlement,      J 

With  such  conditions  at  the  close, 

That  up  in  arms  my  passions  rose ; 

When,  to  return  his  saucy  airs, 

I  sent  him,  spite  of  all  his  prayers, 

Four  steps  at  once  adown  the  stairs.     J 

Thus  the  vile  lawyer's  head  I  broke, 

And  cast  away  the  Widow's  yoke. 


"At  length  the  best  of  girls  I  chose, 
Whom  my  good  friend  the  Doctor  knows, 
And  knows  I'm  certain,  to  admire 
As  all  a  husband  can  desire. 
Two  more  fine  bairns  my  KATE  has  given, 
The  finest  offspring  under  Heaven  : 
While  she  a  parent  is  as  good 
To  all  the  other  growing  brood, 
As  their  own  mother  would  have  been, 
Had  she  remain'd  upon  the  scene. 
Nor  does  she  any  thing  to  teaze  me, 
But  always,  always  what  will  please  me. 
Whate'er  I  wish  or  do  prefer, 
Becomes  an  instant  law  to  her. 
By  Jove  I  swear,  it  is  no  joke, 
To  please  me  she  has  learn'd  to  smoke, 


60  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  after  dinner  you  will  see  1 

A  smoking  trio  we  shall  be 

Beneath  a  spreading  beechen-tree  :     J 

Where  we  our  mod' rate  cups  will  quaff, 

There  hear  your  pleasant  tales  and  laugh — 

And  o'er  the  philosophic  bowl 

Let  loose  the  language  of  the  Soul." 

SYNTAX. 

"'Squire  NED,  your  Hist'ry  makes  me  feel, 
As  I  must  own,  an  added  zeal, 
Once  more  to  try  my  future  fate 
In  vent'ring  on  the  marriage  state. 
Two  Widows  I  have  on  my  list, 
And  cannot  you  contrive  to  twist 
Into  the  roll  some  female  friend, 
My  hopes  to  feed,  my  chance  to  mend  ?" 

Thus  as  he  spoke,  the  welcome  bell 
The  dining  hour  was  heard  to  tell : 
Mirth  and  good  eating  there  prevail'd ; 
No  stomach  round  the  table  fail'd ; 
And  when  with  grateful  pious  zeal, 
The  Grace  had  sanctified  the  meal, 
The  smoking  trio  soon  was  seen 
Beneath  the  tree  upon  the  green. 

NED  EASY  and  the  Doctor  sat 
With  pipe  in  hand  in  usual  state ; 
Thoughtless  one  look'd,  the  other  wise, 
With  sleepy  or  with  twinkling  eyes, 
While  Ma'am  the  Aromatic*  blended, 
To  gain  the  scent  which  she  intended, 
As  she  would  not  her  taste  disturb 
With  plain  Virginia's  common  herb  : 
She  thought  it  would  be  vulgar  joking, 
T'  acquire  its  perfume  by  her  smoking. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  61 

—  An  iv'ry  pipe  with  silver  tip 

She  took  within  her  rosy  lip, 

And,  as  she  whiff'd  her  sweet  lips  moving 

Set  the  exhaling  vapour  roving  ; 

While  o'er  her  brow  it  seem'd  to  wander 

In  a  slow,  curling,  calm  meander, 

And,  'mid  the  branches  of  the  tree, 

Display'd  a  misty  canopy. 

For  a  short  time  they  silent  sat, 
Reflecting  on  they  knew  not  what ; 
When  'Squire  NED  a  glass  propos'd, 
And  thus  his  friendly  thoughts  disclos'd. 
"  His  Rev'rence  does  our  counsel  crave, 
And  our  best  counsel  he  shall  have. 
We  know  that  he  has  lost  his  wife  : 
And,  to  renew  the  happy  life 
Which  his  connubial  state  enjoy'd, 
His  present  wishes  are  employ'd  ; 
And  how  his  loss  may  be  supplied 
By  finding  him  another  bride, 
Whose  equal  virtues  may  restore 
The  comforts  he  enjoys  no  more. 
— Among  th'  unmarried  fair  we  know, 
And  they  may  be  a  score  or  so, 
Miss  MARY  CROTCHET  strikes  my  view ; 
And  now,  my  Cath'rine,  what  say  you  ? 
In  all  the  fine,  delightful  art, 
Whose  sounds  can  raise  or  melt  the  heart, 
We  know  full  well  the  Doctor's  skill, 
And  that  may  win  her  to  his  will." 

MRS.  EASY. 

"  We  all  admire  his  manly  sense, 
His  learning  and  his  eloquence, 


62  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

His  pleasant  manners  and  his  wit, 
With  such  a  way  of  using  it ; 
And  I  should  wish  to  recommend 
So  rare  a  husband  to  my  friend : 
But  all  these  virtues  will  not  do, 
'Tis  with  his  music  he  must  woo ; 
I  know  his  fiddle  will  do  more  } 

Than  all  his  Greek  and  Latin  lore. 
No,  no,  he  must  make  love  in  score  ;     J 
Nay,  whoe'er  wins  her,  it  must  be 
By  his  deep  skill  in  harmony, 
And  by  the  power  he  has  to  prove, 
That  Music  is  the  food  of  Love. 

"  There's  not  an  instrument  they  say, 
On  which  Miss  Crotchet  cannot  play, 
From  the  low  bag-pipe's  dismal  hum, 
To  the  all-martial  kettle-drum  : 
Nay,  in  every  branch  of  sound, 
'Tis  said  her  knowledge  is  profound. 
For  any  thing  that  she  may  want, 
She  asks  in  a  Cathedral  Chaunt ; 
She  suits  her  voice  to  every  key, 
And  can  discharge  her  nose  in  C. 
Though  when  she  lays  her  music  by 
To  mix  with  gay  society, 
She's  clever,  elegant  and  easy, 
With  manners  that  are  form'd  to  please  ye. 
Now  if  this  scheme  you  should  approve 
To  forward  your  designs  in  love, 
Believe  me,  Sir,  I'll  not  neglect 
To  tell  her  whom  she  may  expect ; 
And  in  the  warmest  terms  commend 
The  virtues  of  our  valued  friend  : 
Though,  on  reflection,  I  must  own 
They  cannot  be  to  her  unknown. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  63 

I'm  certain,  Doctor,  there's  no  danger 
That  she  will  treat  you  as  a  stranger." 

SYNTAX. 

"  Well,  if  I  do  not  gain  my  ends, 
It  will  not  be  for  want  of  friends, 
And  I  must  be  completely  stupid 
If  I  do  not  find  a  Cupid 
To  aid  me  in  the  various  views 
Which  now  my  pleasing  hopes  amuse : 
For  he's  an  Urchin  that  escapes 
From  Cyprian  form  to  other  shapes  ; 
Who,  Proteus  like,  his  ends  to  gain, 
Can  difPrent  characters  sustain. 
For  youth  he  has  the  poison'd  arrow 
That  makes  a  bustle  in  the  marrow, 
And  to  the  blood  conveys  the  heat 
That  makes  the  am'rous  pulses  beat ; 
Which,  with  soft  languor  clothes  the  eyes, 
The  tongue  with  vows,  the  breast  with  sighs  : 
But  for  Miss  Crotchet  I  must  find 
A  Cherub  of  another  kind, 
Who,  when  he  to  his  call  engages 
The  grave  Philosophers  and  Sages, 
His  garlands  are  not  made  of  roses, 
Nor  does  he  scatter  fragrant  posies, 
Their  beauties  with  the  season's  past, 
Their  fragrance  is  not  made  to  last, 
But  on  his  sober  brow  is  seen 
The  lasting  wreaths  of  ever-green. 
Nay,  when  he  wantons  in  the  gay  days 
Of  matrons  and  of  learned  ladies, 
Another  character  he  bears, 
And  other  emblems  then  he  wears. 
For  stocking  blue  resigns  his  bow, 
And  slumbers  on  a  folio. 


64  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  in  that  near  approaching  hour 

When  I  behold  Miss  Crotchet's  bower, 

I  must  call  Cupid,  as  he  chuses 

To  wanton  with  the  Lady  Muses, 

To  dip  his  cup  and  take  his  fill 

Of  the  clear  Heliconian  rill ; 

And,  to  possess  himself  of  hearts, 

Play  on  the  dulcimer  with  darts, 

Or  inflict  all  his  secret  wounds 

By  the  soul-soothing  pow'r  of  sounds. 

But  I've  my  doubts,  I  e'en  must  own, 

Whether  the  lady  may  be  won 

By  any  int'rest  I  may  prove 

With  this  same  treach'rous  God  of  Love. 

But  should  sage  Syntax  act  the  fool 

And  feel  the  shafts  of  ridicule, 

He  will,  at  least,  have  done  no  more 

Than  wiser  men  have  done  before ; 

And  when  no  ill  is  thought  or  meant, 

He'll  join  the  laugh — and  be  content. 

— To-morrow  I  shall  see  agen 

The  bow'ry  scenes  of  Sommerden, 

To  pass  a  grave,  reflecting  week, 

Before  I  my  adventures  seek  ; 

Re-tune  my  voice  with  fara-diddle, 

And  practice  on  my  welcome  fiddle  ; 

I  then  with  spirit  shall  engage 

In  matrimonial  pilgrimage." 


As  Syntax  finish'd  his  discourse, 
A  friend  was  seen  to  quit  his  horse, 
And  soon  BOB  SINGLE  made  his  bows 
First  to  the  Lady  of  the  house, 
Who  as  she  did  those  bows  receive, 
Curtsied  in  form  and  took  her  leave. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  65 

Then  Easy's  hand  he  warmly  squeez'd, 

And  Syntax  by  both  elbows  seiz'd ; 

Nor  did  the  smiling  neighbour  fail 

To  claim  the  jug  that  foam'd  with  ale. 

— In  lands  and  woods  this  'Squire  had  clear 

At  least  twelve  hundred  pounds  a  year, 

And,  in  a  sober  state  or  mellow, 

Was  a  good-humour'd  jovial  fellow  : 

Nor  had  he  an  unsocial  name 

But  in  the  article  of  game  : 

And  if  he  prov'd  a  vengeful  foe, 

It  was  the  poachers  found  him  so  : 

For,  by  foul  means  to  catch  a  hare, 

To  ply  a  net  or  lay  a  snare, 

Was,  by  this  rigid  sportsman's  reason, 

Deem'd  a  dire  act  of  country  treason, 

Which  he  with  more  than  vengeance  due, 

Call'd  the  law's  rigour  to  pursue, 

And  punish'd,  in  his  legal  rage, 

With  cat-o'-nine  tails  and  the  cage. 

— In  all  those  noisy  loyal  greetings 

Which  are  well  known  at  public  meetings, 

He  oft  was  heard  to  take  the  lead, 

Was  steady  too  in  thought  and  deed, 

Nor  did  reflection  ever  balk 

A  fancy  for  Stentorian  talk  : 

In  politics  was  always  hearty, 

Nor,  for  a  moment,  chang'd  his  party ; 

All  private,  petty  views  disdain'd, 

And  boldly  Freedom's  cause  maintain'd. 


BOB,  to  the  middle  age  of  life, 
Had  made  his  way  without  a  wife  ; 
Nor  ever  fail'd,  with  hackneyed  gibe, 
To  rail  against  the  married  tribe, 

VOL.  in.— 5 


66  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  in  warm  language  to  prefer 
The  happier  state  of  Bachelor. 
Thus  when  he  found  the  nuptial  state 
Had  been  the  subject  of  debate, 
With  blunt  remark  and  oft-told  story, 
BOB  SINGLE  soon  was  in  his  glory  ; 
And  with  important  look,  begun 
To  let  his  captious  accents  run. 

BOB  SINGLE. 

"  I  thank  my  stars  that  I  am  free  : 
I  was  not  made  for  slavery  ! 
Pardon  me,  Doctor,  but  the  Church, 
Has  never  got  me  in  its  lurch  : 
I  should  prefer  the  hempen  string 
To  licence  and  a  wedding  ring 
Quiet  I  love,  and  that  word  WIFE 
Is  but  another  name  for  strife  ; 
— Our  friend,  Ned  Easy,  I  allow, 
Is  better  for  the  marriage  vow  ; 
For  fortune  somehow,  as  a  whim, 
Has  work'd  a  miracle  for  him. 
I'm  forc'd  to  own  that  prizes  three,     \ 
And  rich  ones  too,  I  do  agree, 
He's  gain'd  in  Hymen's  lottery. 
But  this,  I  think,  or  friend  or  foe, 
He  is  the  bravest  man  I  know  ; 
For  when  I  heard  what  he  was  doing, 
I  thought  him  running  to  his  ruin  ; 
I  cried  have  mercy  on  him  Heaven, 
And  may  his  folly  be  forgiven  ! 
For  travel  all  the  kingdom  over, 
From  the  Isle  of  Sky  to  Dover, 
The  curious  journey  would  be  vain, 
In  hope  to  see  the  like  again. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  67 

— I  know  you'll  argue  that  a  nation 

Exists  alone  by  population  : 

That  I'll  acknowledge  to  be  true, 

Though  I  could  add  a  word  or  two 

To  what  is  said  by  state  physicians, 

And  niddle-noddle  politicians : 

I  reason  but  from  what  I  see, 

That  more  or  kss,  the  stern  decree 

Of  nuptial  bonds  is  misery. 

Exceptions,  I  was  taught  at  school, 

Are  found  to  rise  from  ev'ry  rule  ; 

But  such  exceptions,  I  could  prove, 

Are  rare  in  Grammar  rules  of  Love. 

I'm  sure  that  I  could  name  a  score, 

Aye  more  than  that,  yes,  twenty  more, 

Who  in  their  wives  have  so  miscarried, 

They  scarce  have  smil'd  since  they  were  married. 

— There's  BILLY  HUMBLE  will  not  own 

That  he  detests  his  bouncing  Joan  : 

How  oft  that  Jerry  Sneak  appears, 

With  smiling  face  and  well  pull'd  ears, 

When  with  soft  words  and  fondling  kiss, 

He  talks  of  matrimonial  bliss  ; 

While  all,  who  know  the  coward,  know 

He  scarce  dare  look,  or  speak  or  go, 

But  as  in  form,  or  mode,  or  measure, 

She  pleases  to  make  known  her  pleasure. 

I  saw  the  booby  t'other  day 

As  he  was  pacing  on  his  way 

To  fetch  a  doctor  for  his  wife, 

Whose  illness  might  affect  her  life, 

Nay  he  insisted  he  should  cry 

For  a  full  week,  if  she  should  die  ; 

And  on  this  errand  full  of  love, 

He  went  as  slow  as  foot  could  move. 


68  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

His  long,  lank  face,  by  home-bred  wars, 
Look'd  red  with  scratches  and  with  scars, 
Which  he  with  stamm'ring  tongue  complain'd 
From  his  bad  razors  were  sustain'd : 
I  laugh'd  to  hear  his  barefac'd  tales  : — 
The  razors  were  his  spousy's  nails." 

The  Doctor  now  impatient  grown, 
Of  all  he  heard  'bout  Jack  and  Joan  ; 
With  grave  looks  and  sarcastic  twang, 
Thus  put  a  stop  to  Bob's  harangue. 

SYNTAX. 

"  I've  heard  these  stories  o'er  and  o'er, 
You  know  it  Bob,  and  many  more  ; 
I  wish  you'd  tell  us  something  new, 
And  what  is  better,  something  true  : 
Not  this  poor  cant,  so  stale,  so  dull, 
That  may  come  forth  from  any  scull. 
Excuse  me,  but  it  makes  me  sick, 
Because  I  think  it  is  a  trick, 
That  men  the  marriage  state  deride 
Some  folly  of  their  own  to  hide, 
When  in  a  wife  they  have  miscarried, 
And  some  low  vulgar  baggage  married  ; 
Some  black-eye'd  Moll,  or  rosy  Nan, 
Some  priestess  of  the  dripping-pan, 
To  whom  malicious  Cupid  gave, 
Such  wond'rous  powers  to  enslave, 
That  e'en  a  'Squire  of  good  estate 
Could  not  resist  his  am'rous  fate, 
But  still  afraid  that  fate  to  own, 
And  bent  to  keep  the  rites  unknown, 
He  bears  disguis'd  the  sturdy  bride, 
To  secret  vale  or  some  moor-side, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  69 

Where  he  may  to  his  deary  go, 

And  none  the  am'rous  parley  know. 

Then  to  delude  suspicion's  eye 

From  looking  after  mystery, 

His  blust'ring  censure  does  not  fail 

Against  the  marriage-state  to  rail ; 

Laughs  at  all  husbands,  wives  abuses, 

And  no  occasion  e'er  refuses 

To  treat  with  scorn  the  wedded  vow, 

As  you,  BOB,  have  been  doing  now  ; 

Talks  all  the  scandal  that  he  can, 

Then  steals  away  to  MOLL  or  NAN, 

In  some  sly  corner  to  improve 

The  unknown  joys  of  wedded  love. 

— Such  is  the  zeal  I've  known  to  stir 

An  unsuspected  bachelor, 

'Till  some  unlook'd  for  strange  event, 

Or  from  neglect  or  accident, 

Or  the  keen,  watchful,  prying  eye 

Of  envious  curiosity ; 

Or  the  good  dame's  impatient  pride      \ 

To  draw  the  cruel  veil  aside, 

Which  did  her  real  station  hide, 

Display'd  at  length  the  hidden  plan, 

And  brought  him  forth  a  married  man. 

A  nine  days'  wonder,  it  is  true, 

He  then  appear'd  to  public  view, 

Join'd  in  the  laugh,  left  off  his  prate 

Against  the  matrimonial  state, 

And  now  of  Benedicts  is  found 

The  happiest  all  the  country  round. 

— Thus  have  I  known  a  cunning  hen 

Leave  her  domestic  noisy  pen, 

And  seek  the  covert  of  a  bush 

Where  all  was  quiet,  all  was  hush, 


70  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

There  lay  her  eggs,  unheard,  unseen, 
Beneath  th'  o'er-shadowing  foliage  green, 
'Till  in  due  time  the  bird  appears 
Cackling  aloud  her  hopes  and  fears, 
Around  her  chirping,  flutt'ring,  picking, 
A  brood  of  unsuspected  chicken  ; 
Thus  to  the  cot,  as  'twere  by  stealth, 
Bringing  a  troop  of  feather'd  wealth. 
— And  who  can  tell,  but,  some  years  hence, 
When  time  has  broken  down  the  fence 
Of  your  reluctant  awkward  shame,         ] 
Forth  from  her  covert  the  fair  dame,      V 
Who  dares  not  yet  avow  her  name, 
If  such  an  one  by  chance  should  be — 
Excuse  my  curiosity  — 
May  your  long  wedded  mate  appear 
With  little  Singles  in  her  rear  ! 
Then  bells  will  ring  and  music  play,     1 
And  all  your  villagers  be  gay, 
To  celebrate  your  wedding  day, 
Full  ten  years  since  the  deed  was  done, 
When  Parson  Slyboots  made  you  one. 
How  I  should  joy  the  day  to  see      1 
When,  cur'd  of  your  vain  heresy, 
You  should  be  Hymen's  devotee.     J 
I  know  I've  read,  but  when  or  where, 
Needs  not  at  present  be  my  care, 
-  And  I  am  ready  to  allow 
Tricks  may  attend  the  nuptial  vow, 
That  marriage,  as  by  some  profess'd, 
Is  but  a  money  job  at  best, 
That  cold  compliance  may  be  sold, 
That  wav'ring  hearts  may  be  controul'd — 
But  love's  beyond  the  price  of  gold. 
And  now  my  jovial,  jeering  friend, 
Do  to  these  wholesome  truths  attend ! 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  71 

How  great  the  good  were  they  imprest 

On  early  manhood's  glowing  breast ; 

And,  spite  of  you,  gay  noisy  tramplers, 

Misses  should  work  them  on  their  samplers. 

— Those  who  true  love  have  ever  tried, 

(The  common  cares  of  life  supplied) 

No  wants  endure,  no  wishes  make, 

But  ev'ry  real  joy  partake  : 

All  comfort  on  themselves  depends, 

They  want  not  power,  nor  wealth,  nor  friends : 

Love  then  hath  ev'ry  bliss  in  store, 

'Tis  friendship,  and  'tis  something  more  : 

Each  other  ev'ry  wish  they  give ; — 

Not  to  know  love — is  not  to  live !  " 


Syntax,  now  smiling,  fill'd  his  glass, 
Then  bade  the  bright  decanter  pass, 
And  on  the  ruby  juice  intent 
Gave  this  congenial  sentiment : 
"  May  Hymen  with  fresh  wreaths  be  crown'd, 
And  fusty  bachelors  be  drown'd !  " 
— BOB'S  visage  gloom'd  with  discontent, 
His  colour  came,  his  colour  went : 
Whether  it  was  a  fancied  joke, 
Or  truth  prophetic  Syntax  spoke, 
Old  faithful  Time  would  not  forbear 
In  its  due  season  to  declare  ; 
But  by  Ned  Easy  it  was  thought 
The  net  was  spread,  when  Bob  was  caught, 
And  that  a  picture  had  been  shown 
Which  conscience  told  him  was  his  own. 
"  Doctor,"  he  said,  "  I  must  agree, 
You  much  too  learned  are  for  me  ;  " 
Then  fill'd  the  cup  with  ample  measure, 
And  gave  a  frown  that  mark'd  displeasure ; 


72  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Pull'd  the  bell-rope  with  all  his  force, 
And  bade  the  servant  bring  his  horse  : 
But  though  invited  much  to  stay, 
He  grumbled  No — and  went  his  way. 
— Syntax  exclaim'd,  "  O  let  him  pout, 
I  think  that  we  have  found  him  out : 

0  what  a  bursting  of  the  bubble 
To  see  Bob  Single  carry  double ! 
Though  now  in  other  view  so  zealous, 

1  warmly  hope  to  hear  him  tell  us, 
That  life  no  higher  joys  can  prove 

Than  those  which  flow  from  wedded  love.' 

In  friendly  chat  the  evening  pass'd, 
Sleep's  balmy  season  came  at  last ; 
When  Easy  said,  "  Here  take  my  hand, 
My  heart,  you  know,  you  may  command  : 
Such  as  it  is,  it  ne'er  beguiles 
With  flattery's  deceitful  smiles. 
If  you  return  to  Keswick's  side, 
With  a  kind,  gracious,  pleasing  bride, 
I  shall,  with  truth  unfeign'd,  rejoice 
And  loud  congratulating  voice  ; 
But  should  your  varying  suits  miscarry, 
Should  it  not  be  your  lot  to  marry, 
And  you  might  sometimes  wish  to  roam 
From  your  too  solitary  home, 
Here  you  will  find  your  friend  NED  EASY, 
Ready  to  do  his  best  to  please  you." 
— Syntax  return'd  the  grasping  fist, 
And  with  due  grace  the  lady  kiss'd, 
Then  sought  the  pillow's  welcome  powers 
And  slept  through  night's  refreshing  hours. 

On  the  next  morning,  when  the  sun 
His  daily  course  began  to  run, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  73 

The  Doctor  took  an  early  flight, 
In  hopes  to  see  his  home  at  night, 
Up  to  the  hill  he  now  ascends, 
Then  to  the  vale  his  way  he  bends, 
Enjoys  his  meal  at  mid-day  hour 
Beneath  a  cot's  inviting  bower, 
O'ershaded  by  the  mantling  vine, 
And  sweet  with  flow'rs  of  eglantine. 
Pregnant  with  matrimonial  dreams, 
And  flatt'ring  fancy's  thousand  schemes, 
He  had  beguil'd  his  sultry  way, 
When,  at  the  misty  close  of  day, 
He  reach'd  the  door  he  call'd  his  own, 
But  sigh'd  to  find  himself  alone. 

Old  Marg'ret  hop'd  that  he  was  come 
In  health  and  better  spirits  home  ; 
With  kind  attention  did  dispose 
Her  glasses  on  her  peaked  nose, 
To  see  what  signs  his  features  bare,  1 

Of  calm  contentment  or  of  care, 
But  the  good  dame  saw  nothing  there ;      J 
No  cheerful  aspect  there  was  shown, 
To  call  forth  pleasure  on  her  own. 
— She  told  him  all  the  village  news, 
As  in  his  chair  he  chose  to  muse  ; 
While  he  laid  out  where  he  had  been, 
What  he  had  heard,  whom  he  had  seen, 
And,  wheresoe'er  his  face  appear'd, 
The  welcomes  which  his  bosom  cheer'd. 
But  now  the  manor-house  was  left, 
And  for  some  months  would  be  bereft 
Of  those  warm  friends  who  never  fail'd, 
When  his  free  spirits  were  assail'd, 
Since  Fate,  with  Happiness  at  strife, 
Had  robb'd  him  of  his  darling's  life, 


74  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

To  pour,  by  ev'ry  friendly  art, 

The  balm  of  comfort  in  his  heart. 

Thus  while  Madge  sought  his  night's  regale, 

With  soothing  pipe  and  sparkling  ale, 

"  O  it  will  never  do  !  "  he  said, 

"The  social  power  must  be  obey'd  ; 

Such  joy  to  hear  a  female  tone, 

I'll  marry — I'll  not  live  alone  : 

I'd  sooner  wed  the  first  I  see,  ] 

Though  old  and  ugly  she  should  be, 

Than  live  in  taciturnity. 

Nay,  ere  another  week  is  o'er, 

I  will  begin  th'  important  tour, 

Nor  e'er  return,  if  I  have  life, 

'Till  I  have  found  another  wife  !  " 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  75 


CANTO  XXXV 

TX7HAT  is  a  Coxcomb  ? — 'tis  a  fellow 

A  kind  of  dashing  Punchinello, 
That  does  his  best  attractions  owe 
To  glitter  and  to  outward  show  ! 
Nor  is  it  to  the  form  confin'd, 
For  there  are  Coxcombs  of  the  mind, 
And,  perhaps,  fairest  ridicule 
Rests  with  a  better  right  and  rule 
Where  the  young  man,  just  come  from  college, 
With  slight  bespatterings  of  knowledge, 
Does  the  grave  attention  claim, 
That's  due  alone  to  learning's  name  ; 
Than  where  he  in  life's  early  vigour, 
With  glowing  cheek  and  striking  figure. 
And  all  those  spirits  that  give  wing 
To  the  blooming  hours  of  spring, 
Asks  of  vain  Fashion's  various  art 
Those  gay  attractions  to  impart ; 
Those  trappings  of  exterior  show, 
Which  catch  the  eye  and  form  the  beau. 
— The  real  worth,  the  sterling  good, 
Require,  to  be  well  understood, 
Reason,  reflection,  piercing  sense, 
And,  above  all,  experience  ; 
While  what  the  surface  may  display 
To  gen'ral  gaze,  in  open  day, 
Claims  little  but  to  see  and  hear, 
A  ready  eye,  an  open  ear. 


76  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Syntax  well  knew  that  what  gave  birth 
To  knowledge  and  to  inbred  worth 
He  could  unfold  with  sure  reliance, 
And  set  all  doubtings  at  defiance, 
Nor  did  he  fear  a  search  to  stir 
In  quest  of  real  character  ; 
But  still  he  thought  that  something  more 
Than  moral  charms  and  learned  lore, 
Something  that's  sprightly,  gay,  gallant, 
Must  deck  his  journey  militant : 
"  For,"  he  exclaim'd,  "  in  this  same  Tour     1 
I  do  foresee,  nay  I  am  sure, 
What  obstacles  I  shall  endure  ! 
I  almost  tremble  to  recount  them, 
But  then  how  glorious  to  surmount  them. 
I  must  a  difPrent  course  pursue 
From  all  that  I've  been  us'd  to  do  ; 
My  habits  I  must  lay  aside, 
And  cocker  up  my  mind  with  pride ; 
Feed  my  calm  fancy  with  a  treat 
Of  what  the  world  may  term  conceit ; 
For  I  shall  never  gain  my  ends, 
With  all  the  flattery  of  friends, 
Unless  I  mend  my  awkward  paces 
And  gain  the  favour  of  the  Graces. 
In  common  visits  I  could  do, 
But  I'm  to  visit  and  to  woo  : 
I  may  my  flatt'ring  unction  ply 
To  please  a  lady's  vanity  ; 
But  then  do  I  possess  the  art 
To  play  the  humbug  with  the  heart  ? 

"  The  Dame  who  'midst  the  fragrance  lives, 
That  her  conservatory  gives, 
Will  ne'er  allow  tobacco's  fume 
To  vapour  in  her  drawing-room  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  77 

I  fear  Ma'am  Tulip,  whose  fine  eyes 

Are  us'd  to  nature's  richest  dyes, 

Which,  from  the  morn  to  night,  she  sees 

On  flow'rs  and  plants,  on  shrubs  and  trees, 

May  with  a  sudden  shriek  start  back 

When  she  beholds  my  dingy  black : 

My  speech  then  must  be  rich  with  flowers, 

As  her  own  aromatic  bowers  ; 

And  I  must  bow  and  I  must  bend, 

Ere  to  her  favour  I  pretend ; 

And  I  must  tell  her  she's  as  fair 

As  any  of  her  lilies  are. 

If  I  should  dare  to  snatch  a  kiss, 

While  I  taste  th'  ambrosial  bliss, 

The  loves  to  which  the  plants  are  prone,      j 

And  Dr.  Darwin's  verse  has  shown, 

I  must  implore  to  be  her  own : 

I  must  implore  to  let  me  hope 

That  I  may  be  her  Heliotrope, 

And  in  return  that  she  may  be 

A  smiling  Heliotrope  to  me. 

But  I  must  never  say  or  sing 

That  the  fine  season  is  the  spring ; 

Though  after  all,  I  fear  she'll  find 

That  I  have  left  May-day  behind  ; 

That  I  am,  what  she  does  not  want, 

A  stout,  tho'  but  autumnal  plant ; 

And  much  I  fear  I  shall  not  prove 

That  autumn  is  the  time  for  love  : 

However  I  will  do  my  best 

And  to  my  stars  must  leave  the  rest. 


"  Still,  on  my  way  new  doubts,  I  find, 
Are  ever  springing  in  my  mind : 


78  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Whether  with  comment  or  with  text, 

I  feel  how  I  shall  be  perplex 'd, 

Whene'er  the  learned  dame  I  see, 

The  mirror  of  philology. 

She  has  just  pass'd  the  spring  of  life  ; 

So  far  she'll  suit  me  as  a  wife ; 

But  to  my  hopes  O  what  a  blow 

If  I  should  dare  to  tell  her  so  ! 

For  'tis  her  wish,  as  it  appears, 

To  sink  at  least  some  saucy  years, 

And  therefore  beautiful  and  young 

Must  be  familiar  to  my  tongue ! 

For  surely  I've  too  much  discerning, 

If  I  should  think  mere  praise  for  learning 

Would  bribe  her  glowing  heart's  consent, 

However  deck'd  with  compliment : 

If  I  could  brush  up  to  her  door 

With  liv'ried  train  and  coach-and-four, 

I  then  of  love  might  truly  speak, 

And  tell  my  Cyprian  tales  in  Greek. — 

But  much  I  fear,  my  simple  guise, 

Will  not  attract  the  widow's  eyes  ; 

The  way  to  favour  I  must  find 

By  the  exertions  of  the  mind, 

And  by  the  sentimental  art 

Make  out  a  passage  to  her  heart. 

And  if  I  can  the  way  discover 

To  be  just  smil'd  on  as  a  lover, 

I'll  treat  this  Lady  Omlcron 

With  Ovid  and  Anacreon, 

And  by  those  am'rous  poets'  fire, 

I  may  her  classic  warmth  inspire  : 

Ill-fortune  then  alone  will  hinder 

My  scatt'ring  sparks  upon  her  tinder ; 

And  waking  feelings  which  may  move 

Her  bosom  to  contemplate  love. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  79 

"  As  to  Miss  CROTCHET,  I  must  try 
To  work  her  into  harmony. 
The  poet  and  historian  tells  1 

Music,  that  by  its  powerful  spells,      V 
Has  been  a  source  of  miracles  ; 
And  I  may  hope  without  much  stir, 
To  work  a  miracle  on  her, 
If  such  it  be,  by  music's  art 
To  tickle  an  old  maiden's  heart. 
— At  all  events  I'll  be  as  fine 
As  doth  become  a  sound  divine  ; 
New  clad,  new  hatted  and  new  wigg'd, 
With  all  becoming  order  rigg'd, 
In  that  due  figure  to  appear 
Which  suits  the  views  of  this  career, 
Whose  final  hist'ry  will  display 
The  colour  of  my  future  day." 

Thus  did  he  reason,  thus  he  thought, 
Then  into  use  his  fiddle  brought, 
And  all  his  tender,  melting  airs 
To  win  Miss  Crotchet  he  prepares  ; 
Then  turns  at  times  his  curious  eye 
To  scientific  botany, 
Which  might  prepare  him  for  his  call 
And  welcome  kind  at  Tulip-Hall ; 
And  thus  by  various  means  improve 
The  ways  he  plann'd  of  making  love. 

In  the  mean  time  he  stroll'd  about, 
At  farm  or  cot  popp'd  in  and  out, 
And,  with  kind  condescending  glee, 
Chatted  with  those  he  chanc'd  to  see. 
One  morn,  as  in  the  church-yard  walking, 
He  to  himself  was  calmly  talking, 


8o  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

While  Mat,  the  Sexton,  sung  a  stave, 

Half  in  and  half  out  of  a  grave  ; 

He  was  saluted  by  a  dame, 

And  Cath'rine  Horner  was  her  name  ; 

On  whom,  long  past  her  early  youth, 

Old  Time  had  work'd  with  rankling  tooth  : 

Her  wrinkled  cheeks,  so  lank  and  dry, 

Form'd  channels  for  each  wat'ry  eye, 

And  on  her  chin  the  curling  hair 

Was  thinly  sprinkled  here  and  there. 

With  age  she  was  completely  shent,  1 

Her  knees  with  tott'ring  weakness  bent, 

And  on  a  young  man's  arm  she  leant ; 

When  thus  she  to  the  Doctor  spoke, 

In  tones  between  a  squeak  and  croak  : 

*'  I  hope  my  suit  may  not  miscarry ; 

I  am  to  ask  you,  Sir,  to  marry." 

His  Rev'rence  then,  with  scornful  eye, 

Began  this  curious  colloquy. 

SYNTAX. 

"  To  marry  ? — whom  ?  you  doting  fool ! 
What's  got  into  your  brainless  scull  ?  " 
Th'  old  woman,  striving  to  display 
A  bashful  look,  begg'd  leave  to  say 
"  I  meant  not,  Sir,  to  give  offence 
Unto  your  honour's  reverence  : 
I  mean  no  harm,  as  I  can  see, 
When  I  ask  you  to  marry  me." — 
Now  Syntax,  had  he  seen  a  ghost, 
Could  not  have  look'd  more  terror-crost, 
"  What  means  the  witch  ?  "  he  stamping  said, 
"  Or  has  your  old  age  turn'd  your  head  ?  " 

M.  H.  "  I've  reach'd,  'tis  true,  my  latter  season, 
But  still,  I  hope,  I've  kept  my  reason  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  8r 

I  cannot  be  an  idle  prater 

If  I  but  seek  to  follow  nature : 

I  only  wish  you'd  marry  me 

To  the  young  man  whom  here  you  see ; 

And  I  declare  as  I'm  alive, 

I  was  last  week  but  sixty-five. 

I  know  I  ne'er  was  much  a  beauty, 

But  honest  Jack  will  do  his  duty  ; 

And  why  should  I  withhold  consent, 

If  I'm  well-pleas'd,  and  he's  content  ? 

I  know  that  many  silly  folk 

Will  turn  grave  things  into  a  joke, 

But  where's  the  joke  in  this  connection  ? 

He  gains  support,  I  gain  protection  ; 

And  let  them  laugh,  when  they  shall  see 

That  he  has  made  a  fool  of  me. 

The  girls  may  scoff,  but  they'd  be  glad 

To  have  for  sweethearts  such  a  lad. 

If  I  told  all  that  I  could  tell  "— 

SYNTAX. 

"  If  you  were  quiet,  'twere  as  well. 
Sexton,  I  now  must  trust  to  you 
What  with  these  people  I'm  to  do." 

SEXTON. 

"  An'  please  you,  Sir,  I  know  the  story 
Of  this  same  pair  who  stand  before  you : 
And  though  I  feel  I  am  but  dull — 
One  is  a  knave  and  one's  a  fool  : 
Her  cottage,  that's  by  yonder  wall, 
He  wishes  to  be  his — that's  all. 
Besides  'tis  known  that  Mother  Horner 
Has  gold  and  notes  in  some  sly  corner, 
And  when  that  he  has  nos'd  them  out, 
The  Raff  will  make  them  fly  about : 

VOL.  in. — 6 


82  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Though  young  he  is  a  sorry  sot, 
Her  little  all  will  go  to  pot ; 
If  he's  permitted  to  deceive  her 
He  soon  will  to  the  parish  leave  her. 
I  know  the  boy  from  five  years  old, 
Saucy  and  impudent  and  bold  : 
When  than  that  stone  he  was  not  higher 
He  was  a  most  notorious  liar  ; 
And  I  must  own  I  should  be  loth 
To  take  his  word  upon  his  oath  ; 
This  leg  of  mine  'gainst  that  dead  bone 
I'll  lay,  that  he's  not  twenty-one. 
Always  so  wicked,  and  so  wild, 
'Tis  said  he's  Farmer  Fatgut's  child, 
For  he  maintain'd  him  while  he  liv'd, 
And  his  tricks  oft  the  old  man  griev'd. 
He  has  been  caught  in  laying  snares 
For  catching  'Squire  Worthy's  hares, 
And  now  with  artful,  am'rous  fuss, 
He's  laid  a  snare  for  that  old  puss ; 
And,  if  not  stopp'd  in  what  he's  doing, 
He'll  lead  the  old  fool  to  her  ruin  ; 
For  if  he  could,  ne'er  mind  the  sin, 
He'd  eat  her  flesh  and  sell  her  skin." 

Again  the  old  dame  rais'd  her  voice, 
"  Pray,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  cease  your  noise, 
Or  else  I  fear  you'll  wake  the  dead, 
Beneath  the  ground  whereon  you  tread." 

The  Sexton  once  more  stopp'd  his  trade, 
And  spoke  while  resting  on  his  spade : 

"  Your  Rev'rence,  please  you,  need  not  fear, 
She'll  recollect  who's  sleeping  here  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  83 

'Twas  one  who  gave  her  many  a  thwacking, 

To  punish  her  foul  tongue  for  clacking. 

Persuade  her  that  her  tongue  would  wake 

Old  Simon,  and  she  ne'er  would  speak. 

I  knew  old  Simon  Homer  well, 

I  dug  his  grave,  I  rung  his  knell, 

Nay,  well  I  know  this  is  the  spot 

Where  his  remains  were  left  to  rot ; 

And  I  do  think,  or  I'm  a  fool, 

That  this  is  honest  Simon's  scull ; 

And  while  I'm  shov'ling  'mong  these  stones, 

I  bring  to  light  his  mould'ring  bones. 

Look  dame  and  see  how  he  is  grinning, 

To  keep  his  wanton  rib  from  sinning." 

"Have  done,"  the  Doctor  said,  "have  done, 

Matthew  this  is  too  solemn  fun  ; 

If  she  will  wed,  why  I  must  wed  her, 

And  let  deriding  folly  bed  her. 

I  cannot  marry  them  to-day, 

So  quickly  send  them  both  away." 

— Jack  made  appearance  to  resist, 

Clench'd  both  his  hands  and  show'd  his  fist, 

When  the  bold  grave-man,  at  the  meeting, 

Gave  the  rude  clown  so  sound  a  beating 

That  he  forsook  his  hop'd-for  bride, 

While  with  his  spade  the  conq'ror  plied, 

Stroke  after  stroke,  the  seat  of  shame, 

Which  blushing  Muses  never  name, 

And  drove  him,  bellowing  as  he  fled, 

From  out  the  region  of  the  dead. 

Th'  affrighted  dame,  pale  and  down-hearted, 

To  find  that  she  was  thus  deserted, 

Mutt' ring  revenge,  and  swearing  too, 

Which  she  was  sometimes  apt  to  do, 

While  hobbling  o'er  sepulchral  stones, 

Was  pelted  by  her  husband's  bones, 


84  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  Matthew  chose  to  let  her  know 
Whose  bones  they  were  at  ev'ry  throw. 
And  thus  she  pass'd  amid  the  jeer 
Of  all  who  were  assembled  there, 
'Till  of  her  cot  she  turn'd  the  latch 
And  sought  the  shelter  of  her  thatch. 

Syntax,  half  smiling,  said,  "  This  tale 
Will  long  be  echoed  through  the  vale ; 
And  many  here  will  lie  and  rot 
Before  the  story  is  forgot." 

Time  passes  on,  whate'er  our  schemes, 
Our  waking  or  our  sleeping  dreams, 
Whether  life's  pleasure  or  its  pain 
Join  in  our  course  or  form  the  train  ; 
And  it  ran  on  until  the  hour 
Call'd  Syntax  to  th'  appointed  Tour : 
Nor  had  he  ever  yet  been  seen 
As  to  outward  form  and  mien, 
In  all  that  gives  exterior  show, 
So  near  what  might  be  styl'd  a  beau, 
As  when  he  bade  his  home  adieu 
With  one  great  object  in  his  view, 
To  take  for  better  or  for  worse 
Heav'n's  best  of  gifts  or  direst  curse, 
Which  adds  a  smile  or  frown  to  life, 
In  the  fix'd  image  of  a  WIFE. 
All  things  were  in  fit  style  prepar'd, 
With  his  known  valet  for  his  guard : 
Well-curried  Punch  the  Doctor  bore, 
Which  PAT  bestrode  in  Former  Tour ; 
While  he  a  farmer's  gelding  rode, 
Of  strength  to  bear  the  weighty  load : 
For  prancing  Phillis  now  was  gone 
To  canter  through  a  honey-moon  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  85 

And  Syntax  hop'd  to  see  the  day  - 
When  Punch  would  trot  the  self-same  way. 
— The  journey's  secret  had  been  kept, 
And  while  each  curious  tattler  slept, 
At  early  dawn,  in  tranquil  state, 
The  Doctor  pass'd  the  village  gate, 
Look'd  cheerful,  nay  seem'd  quite  delighted, 
In  hope  his  pains  would  be  requited. 

In  our  life's  chase  what  various  game 
Becomes  the  mortal  huntsman's  aim  ! 
And  then,  with  what  discordant  views 
He  that  variety  pursues  ! 
They,  who  with  independence  bless'd, 
And  by  no  urgent  wants  oppress'd, 
Who  range  at  large  and  unconfin'd, 
Free  as  the  impulse  of  the  wind, 
Are  often  driven  to  and  fro 
By  the  various  gusts  that  blow, 
Unless  calm  reason  checks  their  force 
And  keeps  them  in  their  steady  course. 
The  passions  are  of  life  the  gales  ; 
Then  keep  the  helm  and  watch  the  sails, 
And  with  a  clear  and  steady  eye 
Look  to  the  haven  where  you  hie. 
"  Nay  ought  I  not,"  thought  our  Divine, 
"  To  look  to  that  which  may  be  mine  ? 
It  seems,  indeed,  a  pretty  port, 
Where  Cupid  may,  perhaps,  resort, 
And  Learning  with  the  Graces  three 
Is  said  to  live  in  harmony ; 
And  who  knows  it  may  be  my  fate 
To  nestle  there  and  change  my  state  ! 
Its  Mistress  I've  ne'er  chanc'd  to  see,      ^ 
Nor  have  her  eyes  e'er  look'd  on  me,       1- 
Or  my  originality. 


86  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

It  is  not  that  my  form  pretends 

To  dash  at  matrimonial  ends  ; 

'Tis  by  my  tongue  I  must  succeed, 

'Tis  that  must  do  th'  important  deed  : 

I  must  depend  on  classic  vigour 

To  give  allurement  to  my  figure ; 

And,  watching  her  coquettish  art, 

Make  my  way  boldly  to  her  heart. 

'Tis  not  by  canting  or  by  whining, 

Or  a  long  course  of  undermining, 

That  this  fine  fort  can  be  obtain'd ; 

By  sudden  storm  it  must  be  gain'd. 

Throw  out  false  colours  to  her  eye, 

By  weavings  fine  of  flattery  ; 

That  she  those  weaker  parts  may  show 

Which  will  not  stand  a  sudden  blow. 

If  thus  my  powers  should  succeed 

'Twill  be  a  more  than  glorious  deed; 

And  if  I  fail  'twill  be  no  more 

Than  many  a  one  has  done  before  : 

E'en  heroes  of  the  first  renown, 

Have  had  their  hopes  all  tumbled  down, 

But  then  they  did  not  strive  in  vain 

Bravely  to  build  them  up  again, 

While  persevering  ardours  bless 

Their  final  darings  with  success. 

Thus  cheer'd  by  hope,  my  prospect's  fair, 

But  while  for  struggles  I  prepare, 

I  snap  my  fingers  at  despair. 

Of  these  so  tempting  fair-ones  three 

One  will  be  full  enough  for  me ; 

And  my  work  must  be  idly  done 

If  I  do  not  secure  that  one — 

And  if  dispos'd  to  be  as  kind 

As  the  old  dame  I  left  behind  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  87 

If  I  could  find  a  Widow  Horner 
Wealthy  and  willing  in  a  corner, 
Well-looking  and  dispos'd  to  cooing  ; 
O  it  would  save  a  world  of  wooing  ! 
And  then  I  should  re-visit  home 
Without  another  wish  to  roam." 

Thus  half  in  earnest,  half  in  joke, 
He  in  soft,  mutt'ring  whispers  spoke. 
— Of  saunt'ring  folk  he  would  enquire        1 
The  name  of  ev'ry  village  spire, 
Who  was  the  Parson,  who  the  'Squire ;      J 
Whether  the  one  his  virtues  prov'd 
By  such  good  deeds  as  made  him  lov'd, 
And  if  the  other  did  excel 
In  the  first  art  of  preaching  well. 
Nor  did  he  ever  fail  to  speak 
With  those  he  chanc'd  to  overtake  ; 
And  even  had  they  nought  to  say 
He  was  as  well  content  as  they ; 
So  that  they  did  well-pleas'd  appear, 
And  give  his  words  a  list'ning  ear. 
'Twas  thus  he  fail'd  not  to  beguile 
With  pleasant  chat  the  ling'ring  mile. 

Phoebus  his  course  had  almost  run, 
And  soon  would  put  his  nightcap  on, 
Thus  to  prepare  him  for  his 'nap 
On  the  soft  down  of  Thetis'  lap, 
When  the  embower'd  spot  was  seen 
Of  which  Ma'am  Omlcron  was  Queen. 
— A  chance  companion  on  the  road, 
Who  liv'd  not  far  from  her  abode, 
And  happ'd  to  know  the  Doctor  well, 
Propos'd  her  mode  of  life  to  tell. 


88  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  Doctor  too  was  glad  to  hear, 
And  op'd  an  interested  ear. 

"  In  this  fair  Lady  are  combin'd 
The  beauties  of  the  form  and  mind : 
She's  rich  withal  and  has  withstood 
Five  years  of  tempting  widowhood, 
When  many  a  suitor,  but  in  vain, 
Has  strove  her  favour  to  obtain, 
The  soldier  bold,  the  dashing  'squire, 
Have  hop'd  to  wake  the  amorous  fire  ; 
Beaux  of  various  sorts  and  size 
Have  thought  to  bear  away  the  prize ; 
But  she,  as  it  is  said,  has  sworn 
She  ne'er  to  Hymen  would  return, 
Unless  the  saffron-mantled  power 
Would  join  her,  in  his  roseate  bower, 
To  one  with  ancient  learning  fraught, 
With  all  that  modern  science  taught, 
And  in  whose  talents  might  be  trac'd 
The  seeds  of  genius  and  of  taste. 
For  one  endued  with  such  a  mind 
She'd  leave  exterior  grace  behind  : 
A  scholar  and  a  virtuous  sage,  1 

Whate'er  his  shape,  whate'er  his  age, 
Would  her  discerning  heart  engage. 
A  witty,  a  deform'd  Scarron 
She  would  prefer,  like  Maintenon,1 
To  all  that  superficial  race 
Who  know  no  charm  beyond  the  face, 
And  are  enchanted  by  the  plume 
That  waves  in  Fashion's  drawing-room." 

1  The  celebrated  Madame  de  Maintenon,  afterwards  the 
secret  wife  of  Louis  xrv.,  espoused,  in  the  bloom  of  her 
beauty,  the  infirm  and  deformed,  but  eminently  witty 
Scarron. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  89 

Syntax  this  question  then  preferr'd  : 
"  Think  you  that  she  will  keep  her  word  ?  " 
When  he  was  answer'd  frank  and  free, 
As  such  enquiries  ought  to  be  : 

"  My  understanding's  too  refin'd 
To  fathom  a  fine  lady's  mind, 
I  cannot  know  and  do  not  care        • 
What  whimsies  may  be  passing  there, 
For  my  best  half  doth  never  own 
A  thought  that  is  to  me  unknown. 
A  fond  and  amiable  she,  ] 

As  frank  as  honest  heart  can  be  ; —      V 
But  hear  the  best  authority.  J 

— The  Widow's  Rector  oft  displays 
His  thoughts  of  what  she  does  and  says, 
And  he  is  known,  I  believe,  to  shine 
As  a  sagacious,  learn'd  divine. 
He  has  free  entrance  at  the  Hall, 
Whenever  he  is  pleas'd  to  call, 
Though  I've  been  told  it  is  but  rare 
He's  known  to  pay  his  visits  there, 
For  when  she's  in  a  certain  whim 
She  strives  to  play  some  trick  with  him. 
— He  says  he's  sure  she  will  not  stray 
From  virtues's  fair  and  open  way, 
Nor  that  she  e'er  will  give  offence 
To  the  mind's  purest  innocence, 
But  she's  as  lightsome  as  a  fairy 
In  pranks  and  whimsical  vagary  : 
As  a  coquette  she  daily  dances, 
Then  gratifies  blue  stocking  fancies  ; 
To-day,  to  deck  her  charms  inclin'd, 
To-morrow  to  enrich  her  mind  : 
Nay,  'mong  the  Jacks,  the  Dicks,  the  Harries, 
'Twill  not  surprise  him  if  she  marries, 


90  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

If  she  chuse  one  of  science  full, 

Or  one  impenetrably  dull, 

Some  great  man  for  his  sterling  sense, 

Or  parson  for  his  eloquence  : 

Nor  would  he  wonder,  if  through  life 

She  ne'er  renew'd  the  name  of  wife. 

And  now,  Sir,  you  may  form  a  notion 

Of  Madame  Omicrons  promotion." 


It  must  be  own'd  that  all  his  news 
To  Syntax  was  of  sovereign  use, 
To  shape  the  plans  he  had  in  view,      ^ 
Inform  him  what  he  had  to  do, 
And  how  and  in  what  way  to  woo.      J 
— Thus  arm'd,  he  sent  Pat  on  before, 
T'  announce  his  coming  at  the  door, 

Where  Madame  O ,  with  smiling  face, 

And  the  most  condescending  grace, 

Gave  her  best  welcome  to  the  cot,  1 

Which  was  her  philosophic  lot, 

For  such  she  nam'd  the  charming  spot.      J 

The  walls  were  festoon'd  o'er  with  flowers, 

Here  winged  boys  and  there  the  hours 

Floated  along  in  airy  ease, 

The  surface  of  the  lengthen'd  frieze  ; 

And  all  around  he  seem'd  to  see 

Some  well-dress'd  Pagan  Deity. 

She  plac'd  him  in  a  satin  chair, 

'Tween  MERCURY  and  JUPITER, 

And  plac'd  a  stool  with  fruitage  drest 

On  which  his  either  foot  to  rest. 

— Thus  seated  'mid  the  Olympic  folk, 

Syntax  began  to  scent  a  joke  ; 

And,  fitting  their  forms  to  his  own, 

Doubted  if  he  should  smile  or  frown. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  91 

"  If  this,"  he  thought,  "  be  classic  fun, 
I'll  gravely  wait  what's  to  be  done  ; 
If  of  the  scene  I  am  the  jest 
I'll  work  my  way  and  act  my  best." 

The  Doctor  felt  that  his  queer  phiz 
Was  such  as  might  invite  a  quiz ; 
For,  right  or  wrong,  he  seem'd  to  see 
Quizzing  was  her  propensity. 
At  all  points  therefore  he  prepar'd 
To  keep  himself  upon  his  guard, 
In  jesting  to  give  joke  for  joke, 
If  it  were  tuit,  give  stroke  for  stroke  ; 
If  learning  he  were  call'd  to  ply, 
To  mix  it  up  with  flattery, 
And  cull  from  poets  and  from  sages 
The  gallantries  of  former  ages. 

An  antique  tripod  now  appear'd 
Upon  three  grinning  Satyrs  rear'd, 
And  at  each  corner  there  was  wrought 
The  visage  of  a  bearded  goat ; 
The  basins  which  contain'd  the  tea 
Show'd  ornamental  sympathy, 
For  they  shone  bright  with  golden  darts, 
The  cakes  too  bore  the  form  of  hearts, 
While  the  dark  vase  that  held  the  crearn 
Did^the  Etruscan  fabric  seem. 

— And  now  a  glove  the  Widow  dropp'd, 
When  up  in  haste  the  Doctor  popp'd, 
To  give  back  with  an  eager  grace, 
The  fallen  trifle  to  its  place  ; 
When  the  stool  tripp'd,  and  threw  him  o'er 
In  sprawling  length  along  the  floor : 
The  tripod  also  sought  the  ground, 
The  goats  and  satyrs  lay  around, 


92  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  china's  broken  forms  display'd 
The  ruin  which  his  fall  had  made. 
— Ma'am  to  the  bell  plied  such  a  stroke 
That  the  rich  silken  cordage  broke, 
And  pale-fac'd  maids  came  rushing  in 
To  know  what  caus'd  the  mighty  din. 
The  Doctor  rose,  confus'd,  amaz'd, 
And  on  the  shatter'd  ruins  gaz'd, 
When  he  exclaim'd,  "  The  best  design 
Doth  often  meet  a  fate  like  mine  !  " 
But  soon  the  sage  was  kindly  greeted 
And  soft  consoling  words  repeated. 
*'  O  be  not  at  this  bustle  griev'd 
If  you  no  mischief  have  receiv'd, 
If  safe  in  hand,  if  safe  in  arm, 
Let  not  your  looks  express  alarm  ; 

0  never,  never  mind  the  rest, 
And  be  not,  Doctor,  so  distrest ! 
Genius  does  awkward  things  they  say — 
I'm  doing  them,  aye,  ev'ry  day  : 

And,  when  that  you  shall  know  me  better, 

You'll  find  in  me,  Sir,  a  la  lettre, 

What  POPE  so  honours  with  applause, 

That  temper  which,  whate'er  the  cause, 

Ne'er  makes  complaint,  nor  frowns,  nor  squalls, 

E'en  though  the  fav'rite  china  falls. 

But  to  dispel  your  startled  care,  1 

In  the  next  room  we'll  seek  a  chair, 

And  Bacchus'  self  shall  meet  you  there." 

" — A  chair,"  said  Syntax,  "  by  your  leave, 

1  will  with  your  commands  receive, 
But,  please  you,  I'll  excuse  the  stool 
Which  caus'd  me  thus  to  play  the  fool, 
Unless  you  can  procure  me  one 

To  mourn  the  mischief  I  have  done  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  93 

Where  I  may  seat  me  and  repent, 

In  form  of  awkward  penitent." 

— The  Dame  exclaim'd,  with  uplift  eye, 

As  if  in  rapt'rous  extacy, 

"O  bravo,  Doctor !   O  what  a  wit ! 

How  nicely  too  you  manage  it ! 

All  the  best  china  I've  in  store 

I'd  willing  see  upon  the  floor ; 

0  it  would  be  a  trifling  price 
To  make  the  paltry  sacrifice, 

If  but  my  fancy  would  take  wing, 
And  make  me  say  so  good  a  thing ! 
But  wit  like  yours  is  never  taught, 
Nor  can  with  power  of  gold  be  bought ; 
JTis  genius,  or  the  happiest  nature, 
That  of  this  gift  is  the  creator ; 
But  she  forgot  as  you  may  see, 
To  give  th'  awak'ning  charm  to  me. 
Hence  'twould  be  venial  if  from  you 

1  could  purloin  a  flash  or  two, 
To  keep  for  use  and  lively  play, 
Upon  some  chosen,  gawdy  day." 

That  quiet  spirit  call'd  self  love, 
So  apt  the  human  breast  to  move, 
Began  a  little  place  to  find 
Within  the  Doctor's  wav'ring  mind  ; 
And,  if  it  did  not  turn  them  out, 
Was  prone  to  calm  each  rising  doubt ; 
While  the  warm  sense  of  conscious  pride 
Inclin'd  him  to  the  flatt'ring  side 
Of  what  the  smiling  widow  spoke, 
Whether  in  earnest  or  in  joke. 

He  now  a  sofa's  corner  grac'd, 
On  the  same  seat  the  Dame  was  plac'd, 


94  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Though  to  some  distance  she  retir'd, 
As  chaste,  decorous  form  requir'd. 
In  gilded  frame  there  hung  between, 
From  Titian's  hand,  a  fav'rite  scene, 
Where  young  Adonis  did  appear  ; — 
A  boar's  head  crown'd  the  pointed  spear, 
While  'neath  the  silken  folds  behind 
The  doting  Venus  lay  reclin'd. 
The  lady  cast  her  eyes  above 
As  if  she  view'd  the  Queen  of  Love, 
Then  to  her  side  a  look  she  threw, 
Where  she  had  Syntax  in  her  view  ; 
But  it  was  rather  to  explore 
The  heads  of  Syntax  and  the  boar, 
When  whim  endeavour'd,  if  it  could, 
To  find  out  some  similitude, 
While  her  gay  fancy  strove  to  rig 
The  beast's  head  in  a  parson's  wig. 
— Some  little  chit-chat  'bout  the  arts, 
But  not  a  word  as  yet  of  Hearts^ 
Of  ling' ring  time  fill'd  up  the  measure, 
'Till  supper  waited  Madam's  pleasure, 
Which  was  in  tasteful  order  set 
In  an  adjoining  cabinet, 
Whose  classic  paintings,  like  the  rest, 
The  genius  of  the  place  confest. 
— Two  Bacchanalian  infants  lay 
Upon  a  tiger's  skin  at  play, 
Beneath  an  overshadowing  vine 
Around  the  elm  whose  branches  twine, 
And  purple  clusters  hang  between 
To  give  a  richness  to  the  scene ; 
While  views  of  wood  and  water-fall 
Are  scatter'd  o'er  the  crimson  wall : 
But  Syntax  look'd  to  satisfy 
His  palate  rather  than  his  eye, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  95 

And  that  eye  was  dispos'd  to  stare 
When  it  beheld  the  bill  of  fare. 

One  dish  a  single  pigeon  grac'd, 
On  t'other  side  three  larks  were  plac'd ; 
A  tart,  about  two  inches  square, 
Cut  out  and  fashion'd  like  a  star, 
Potatoes  two,  most  nicely  roasted, 
The  produce  which  her  garden  boasted, 
And  in  the  midst,  the  eye  to  please, 
A  milk-white  Lilliputian  cheese, 
Were  all  arrang'd  in  order  due, 
And  look'd  so  pretty  to  the  view. 

The  Doctor,  who  so  long  had  fasted, 
Nor  since  'twas  noon  a  morsel  tasted, 
Besides  he  had  kick'd  down  his  tea, 
Beheld  this  festive  symmetry 
Deck'd  out  in  all  the  simple  cost 
That  Wedgewood's  pottery  could  boast, 
In  hungry  fury,  almost  able 
With  the  scant  meal  to  eat  the  table : 
Nay,  while  the  puny  bits  she  carv'd, 
Poor  Syntax  fear'd  he  should  be  starv'd. 
The  wine  was  call'd,  the  summons  cheer'd 
His  spirits  till  the  wine  appear'd. 
Two  minniken  decanters  shone 
Like  twenty  prisms  form'd  into  one  ; 
Nay,  with  such  lustre  did  they  shine, 
The  eye  could  scarce  discern  the  wine, 
And  quite  perplex'd  his  eager  sight, 
To  know  if  it  were  red  or  white. 
The  Hostess  fill'd  her  ready  glass, 
And  did  the  health  to  Syntax  pass  : 
It  held  what  might  just  wet  her  lip, 
But  was  not  large  enough  to  sip. 


96  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Then,  with  Bon  Soir  !  her  guest  was  greeted, 

And  he  the  sleepy  toast  repeated  : 

But  the  cheering  hopes  were  o'er, 

The  gay  decanters  held  no  more. 

"  I'm  tir'd  with  our  sheep-shearing  feast," 

She  said,  "  and  long  for  balmy  rest. 

Hence,  Sir,  you  will  excuse  my  dress, 

As  I've  just  been  a  shepherdess, 

And  therefore  suited  my  array 

To  the  employment  of  the  day  : 

To-morrow  I'll  put  on  my  best 

In  honour  of  my  honour'd  guest." 

She  order'd  then  her  chamber  light, 

Wish'd  calm  repose  and  bade  good  night. 

The  Doctor  follow'd  in  high  dudgeon, 
At  having  been  so  tame  a  gudgeon  ; 
Hungry  and  sore  with  discontent, 
He  growl'd  and  mutter'd  as  he  went, 
"  Of  starving  jokes,  I'll  make  her  sick, 
And  faith  I'll  play  her  trick  for  trick, 
Before  to-morrow's  course  is  run, 
I  will  return  her  fun  for  fun  : 
And  may  my  hopes  all  go  to  pot, 
If  my  resentment  is  forgot !  " 

Poor  anxious  Pat  begg'd  leave  to  know 
What  seem'd  to  plague  his  Rev'rence  so  : 
Nor  did  his  kind  enquiries  fail 
Of  hearing  the  droll,  starving  tale. 
"  'Tis  strange,"  he  in  his  way  replied,  "I 

"  For  I,  Sir,  thought  I  should  have  died,       !• 
Of  roast  and  boil'd,  of  bak'd  and  fried  : 
Not  such  a  kitchen  one  in  twenty, 
So  cramm'd  with  overflowing  plenty. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  97 

But  just  permit  me  to  observe, 

Your  Rev'rence  surely  need  not  starve  ; 

You  may  defy,  though  you've  forgot, 

The  utmost  spite  of  spit  and  pot ; 

For  safe  within  your  great-coat  pocket. 

As  big  as  any  two-pound  rocket, 

A  fine  Bologna  is  well-stow'd 

By  way  of  prog  upon  the  road  ; 

And  many  a  biscuit  too  pack'd  up, 

On  which  your  Rev'rence  now  may  sup, 

Nor  do  I  think  that  I  shall  fail 

To  get  a  jug  of  foaming  ale." 

He  said,  and  soon  the  ale  appear'd, 

The  sight  the  Doctor's  spirits  cheer'd, 

And  to  complete  his  well-laid  plot, 

A  nice  clean  pipe  he  also  got ; 

Nay  more,  some  high-dried  weed  he  brought, 

Without  which  pipes  are  good  for  nought. 

The  sausage  gave  its  poignant  slice, 

The  biscuit  too  was  very  nice ; 

He  gave  a  whiff,  the  ale  he  quafPd, 

And  at  the  Widow's  banquet  laugh'd : 

The  feast,  which  mov'd  his  humble  pride, 

Now  shook  with  mirth  his  aching  side. 

Thus  with  these  means  of  consolation, 

And  cure  of  thought  that  brings  vexation, 

Syntax  dismiss'd  his  faithful  valet 

To  snore  the  night  out  on  his  pallet ; 

While  in  arm-chair,  with  half  shut  eye, 

He  spoke  a  brief  soliloquy  : 


"  Thou  welcome  tube,  to  whom  belongs 
To  make  the  mind  forget  her  wrongs, 
Thou  bid'st  my  keen  resentment  cease 
And  yield  to  harmony  and  peace ! 

VOL.  in. — 7 


98  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  Widow's  mischief  now  is  o'er, 
And  I  shall  frown  and  fret  no  more, 
But  arm  myself  with  watchful  care, 
To  fall  into  no  other  snare : 
Nay,  if  her  genius  should  succeed, 
I'll  bid  good  humour  meet  the  deed ; 
And  let  her  frolic  and  her  joke — 
If  she  must  have  them — end  in  Smoke ! 


At  length  he  felt  'twas  time  to  rest, 
And  Morpheus  claim'd  him  as  his  guest, 
When  in  due  time,  refesh'd  and  gay, 
He  hail'd  the  promise  of  the  day, 
And  in  the  book-room  was  display'd 
The  luxury  of  breakfast  laid. 
His  eyes  now  joyous  wander'd  o'er 
The  contrast  of  the  night  before  : 
The  tea  in  fragrant  fumes  ascends, 
The  sister  coffee  too  attends, 
While  many  a  smoking  cake  appears 
In  butter  sous'd  o'er  head  and  ears  ; 
Boil'd  eggs,  slic'd  beef  and  dainty  chicken 
Invite  him  to  more  solid  picking, 
While  honey  of  delicious  taste, 
Adds  sweetness  to  the  morn's  repast 
But  Syntax  here  was  all  alone, 
For  Madam  did  not  rise  till  noon  ; 
So  that  there  were  no  forms  to  tease  him 
And  he  could  take  whate'er  might  please  him : 
Nor  did  he  the  free  choice  refuse, 
He  pleas'd  his  taste,  he  read  the  news, 
Then  search'd  the  well-rang'd  shelves,  to  find 
A  classic  breakfast  for  his  mind. 
He  now  took  Ovid  and  Lucretius 
To  con  o'er  what  those  poets  teach  us,' 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE  99 

That  if  he  should  be  left  alone 

With  this  same  Madam  Omicron, 

He  might  th'  important  question  move, 

Of  the  Philosophy  of  Love; 

And  find,  at  least,  how  all  things  stood ; 

If  with  success  she  might  be  woo'd, 

Or,  as  he  thought,  if  he  should  be 

A  play-game  to  her  vanity  : 

Though,  ;if  her  fancy  should  not  chuse  him, 

Her  fine  vagaries  might  amuse  him, 

At  all  events,  he  was  prepar'd 

To  take  what  fortune  should  award. 

The  Dame,  howe'er,  he  did  not  see 

'Till  the  house-clock  had  sounded  three. 


She  now  appear' d  in  all  the  pride 
Of  figure  and  of  ton  beside  : 
Her  form  was  fine,  for  plastic  Nature 
Had  work'd  with  pleasure  on  her  stature. 
Of  those  bright,  heav'nly  rivals  three, 
Who  call'd  on  Paris  to  decree 
The  envied  apple,  form'd  of  gold, 
The  Dame  seem'd  cast  in  Juno's  mould, 
To  whom  'tis  by  the  poets  given 
To  wear  the  breeches  e'en  in  Heaven  ; 
And  Madam,  as  her  neighbours  sing, 
Would  do  on  earth  the  self-same  thing. 
Grand,  full  of  animated  grace, 
The  chasten'd  smile  play'd  on  her  face, 
And  though  old  Time,  that  scurvy  fellow, 
Had  brought  her  to  be  more  than  mellow ; 
Yet  taste  and  art  contriv'd  to  shade 
The  inroads  which  his  hand  had  made. 
The  Doctor  view'd  her  to  and  fro  ; 
And  eyed  her  form  from  top  to  toe, 


TOO          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Transfix'd  he  stood  by  wild  surprize 

Told  by  his  tongue  and  by  his  eyes , 

And  stammer'd,  for  he  scarce  could  speak, 

A  line  in  Latin,  then  in  Greek  : 

Nay  told  her  that  she  rivall'd  Eve, 

Who  did  from  Milton's  strains  receive 

That  praise  which  dwells  on  every  tongue, 

And  has  by  many  a  Muse  been  sung. 

The  thought  with  flatt'ring  brilliance  shone, 

And  more  than  pleas'd  Ma'am  Omicron  : 

For  though  each  self-prevailing  thought 

Was  with  a  lurking  laughter  fraught, 

Yet  her  heart  aim'd  not  at  concealing 

A  pleasure  at  the  Doctor's  feeling ; 

Who,  from  his  lips  as  well  as  eye, 

Gave  fuel  to  her  vanity. 

Her  thanks  with  so  much  grace  were  given, 

That  Syntax  seem'd  half-way  to  Heaven  ; 

Nay,  his  heart  beat  with  such  delight, 

He  fancied  he  had  got  there  quite. 

She  now  propos'd  a  garden  walk 

Where,  in  some  sentimental  talk, 

They  might  the  .sun-shine  hours  consume, 

'Till  summon'd  to  the  eating-room. 

** — O  plaintive  Hammond,  how  he  shines," 

Said  Syntax,  "  in  these  charming  lines  ! 

*  How  sweet  to  wind  along  the  cool  retreat 

To  look  and  gaze  on  Delia  as  I  go  ; 
To  mingle  sweet  discourse  with  kisses  sweet 
And  teach  my  lovely  scholar  all  I  know  !  ' 

She  bow'd,  and  with  a  side-long  glance, 
Threw  the  poor  Doctor  in  a  trance, 
In  which  he  felt  strong  inclination 
To  hint  at  Love's  o'ercoming  passion  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          101 

But  still  he  felt  afraid  to  stir, 
'Till  he  receiv'd  a  hint  from  her. 

They  gain'd  the  slope,  they  sought  the  glade, 
Or,  seated  'neath  the  beechen  shade, 
They  search'd  those  principles  of  taste, 
Which  to  Elysium  turn  the  waste  ; 
Here  make  the  crystal  waters  flow, 
Or  dash  from  heights  on  rocks  below,      > 
And  there  erect  the  portico  ; 
Or  column  raise,  or  sink  the  grot, 
But  ne'er  let  nature  be  forgot. 
Through  fragrant  shrubberies  they  rove, 
But  not  a  word  was  said  of  Love, 
'Till  they  approach  a  basin's  side, 
In  whose  transparent  waters  glide 
The  fish,  who  their  bright  forms  display'd 
In  gold  and  silver  scales  array'd. 
"  I  do  not  as  Narcissus  did, 
Of  whom  in  classic  tale  we  read," 
Syntax  exclaim'd,  with  fond  delight, 
*'  I  view  not  in  the  mirror  bright 
My  meagre  self ;  a  form  divine 
Does  in  the  liquid  crystal  shine. 
Ah,  Lady,  and  I  feel  it  true, 
The  shadow  steals  its  charms  from  you  ! 
Here  would  it  stay  when  you  were  gone, 
And  thus  be  seen  when  you  are  flown, 
Here  would  I  ask  a  cot,  and  gaze 
Through  the  bless'd  remnant  of  my  days." 
But  on  the  vision  too  intent, 
O'er  the  green  brink  he  fondly  bent, 
And  sudden  dash'd  into  the  water, 
While  Ma'am  ran  off  to  hide  her  laughter, 
And  send  her  household  to  await 
The  Doctor  in  his  dripping  state  : 


102  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  the  mirror  was  so  shallow 

There  was  not  room  to  sink  or  wallow  ; 

And  without  aid  he  soon  was  seen 

Shaking  his  wet  legs  on  the  green : 

But  Pat  his  ready  help  applied, 

And  soon  each  moisten'd  part  was  dried. 


The  dinner  was  a  plenteous  feast 
Where  ev'ry  varying  dish  was  best, 
And  Bacchus  in  the  realms  above 
Ne'er  furnish'd  better  wine  for  Jove. 
Thus  when  he  had  his  fill  of  both 
And  all  was  mov'd  off  with  the  cloth, 
Thought  Syntax,  "  I'm  not  such  a  fool 
To  let  a  dip  my  courage  cool  ; 
Besides,  with  Heaven's  own  vintage  warm'd, 
I  feel  that  I  am  doubly  arm'd, 
And  will  not  any  longer  wait, 
To  try  my  chance  and  know  my  fate." 
But  while  he  his  best  looks  prepar'd 
To  see  what  fortune  might  award, 
He  was  address'd  in  gentle  tone, 
And  ask'd  by  Mrs.  Omicron, 
If  by  his  logic  he  could  prove 
Where  was  the  real  seat  of  Love ; 
She  begg'd  that  philosophic  spirit, 
Which  Fame  allow'd  him  to  inherit, 
To  fix  and  settle  her  opinion 
As  to  its  rights  and  its  dominion. 
— This  was  the  topic  which  he  sought, 
And  such  the  doctrine  which  he  taught. 
" — Lucretius,  now  before  me,  says 
(A  poet  whom  all  lovers  praise) 
That  love  is  seated  in  the  liver, 
That  there  the  BOY  exhausts  his  quiver ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          103 

While  Ovid  sings  it  is  the  heart 

In  which  he  aims  to  dip  his  dart : 

For  me  I  know  not  how  to  trace  it, 

Unless  'tis  where  you  chuse  to  place  it." 

" — Pooh !  Pooh ! "  she  said,  "I'm  grown  so  stupid, 

As  to  forget  the  laws  of  Cupid  ; 

Nay,  having  lov'd  a  husband  once, 

I  am  become  so  great  a  dunce, 

That  now  I  think  'twould  be  in  vain, 

Howe'er  I  strove — to  love  again." 

"  Nonsense  !  "  th'  enliven'd  sage  replied, 

"  Take  my  experience  for  your  guide  : 

No  greater  weakness  than  to  mourn 

And  weep  beside  a  husband's  urn  : 

Believe  me  'tis  an  idle  whim, 

When  you've  your  duty  done  to  him, 

Not  such  an  useless  grief  to  smother 

And  do  that  duty  to  another. 

Still,  while  the  form  of  beauty  lives, 

And  the  cheeks'  roseate  glow  survives  : 

While  sympathetic  feelings  warm, 

And  hope  and  fear  may  wake  alarm, 

It  is  the  sober  call  of  reason 

To  cull  the  fruitage  of  the  season, 

To  love  again,  again  to  coo, 

And  wed — as  you  and  I  might  do." 

He  paus'd — a  willing  ear  he  lent  "I 

To  hear  his  hope's  accomplishment, 
But  Ma'am  said  nought — though  that's  consent,   J 
He  thought,  if  but  the  adage  old 
Does  a  decided  truth  unfold  ; 
At  least  he  chose  thus  to  infer 
And  be  self-love's  interpreter  : 
Though  soon  this  charm  the  lady  broke, 
And  thus  with  serious  aspect  spoke. 


io4          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

"  The  dream  in  which  your  fancies  shine 
Will  never  be  a  dream  of  mine, 
No  ne'er  again  my  heart  will  prove 
The  pleasures  or  the  pains  of  love ; 
Whether  'tis  in  the  heart  or  liver, 
I  defy  Cupid  and  his  quiver, 
Though  I  may  not  disdain  the  hour 
Which  bears  me  into  Hymen's  bower, 
But  then  it  will  be  reason's  care 
To  lead  me  as  a  votary  there ; 
And  all  that  I  shall  look  to  find 
Will  be  the  husband  of  my  mind. 
Or  be  he  fat,  or  be  he  thin, 
Whether  his  long  and  pointed  chin 
Appears  as  if  it  meant  to  rest 
Upon  the  cushion  of  his  chest, 
Or  if  his  prolongated  nose 
Should  guard  his  grinning  mouth  from  blows, 
Whether  the  one  or  t'other  eye 
Or  both  indeed  should  look  awry. 
I  care  not — 'tis  his  sense  refin'd, 
And  chaste  decorums  of  the  mind, 
Which  will  my  inclinations  move 
To  join  in  pure  seraphic  love." 


The  Doctor  wonder'd  at  the  whim, 
But  it  might  be  a  hint  to  him  ; 
So,  on  his  steady  purpose  bent, 
He  still  pursued  his  argument. 
— He  reason'd  long,  he  reason'd  deep, 
He  reason'd  'till  she  fell  asleep : 
He  saw  indeed  her  eyes  were  clos'd, 
Though  he  ne'er  fancied  that  she  dos'd, 
But  thought  she  took  this  blindfold  course 
To  give  attention  greater  force. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          105 

The  tea  and  rattling  china's  sound, 
Now  'woke  her  from  her  sleep  profound  ; 
But  'twas  again  to  hear  him  prove, 
What  ancient  bards  had  sung  of  love, 
And  what  philosophers  had  wrote, 
He  did  not  fail  with  warmth  to  quote : 
The  subject  was  not  of  her  chusing, 
But  still  she  found  the  sage  amusing : 
Science  and  wit  he  did  combine,  1 

'Till  the  turret-clock  struck  nine, 
When  there  appear'd  the  ev'ning  wine,     J 
With  season'd  sandwiches  to  boot, 
That  would  the  nicest  palate  suit. 
— To  the  Muse  it  is  not  known 
Whether  it  were  from  frolic  done, 
The  Doctor's  high-flown  thoughts  to  quicken, 
And  cause  the  evening  plot  to  thicken, 
But  the  round  tray  did  not  resort 
To  the  dull  flow  of  humble  port, 
Inspiring  champagne,  sparkling,  bright, 
Was  the  rich  order  of  the  night, 
When  Syntax,  having  whet  his  whistle, 
Seiz'd  on  the  high-wrought,  fam'd  epistle 
Which  Sappho  to  her  Phaon  wrote  ; 
A  poem  far  too  long  to  quote, 
But,  mov'd  by  the  impassion'd  verse 
That  did  the  lover's  pains  rehearse, 
Or  whether  the  enliv'ning  juice 
Had  made  his  spirits  too  profuse, 
The  widow  felt  the  gay  divine 
Dispos'd  to  act  the  libertine  ; 
And  therefore  thought  it  time  to  rule 
His  wilfulness  to  play  the  fool. 

"Doctor,  you  just  now  talk'd  of  livers, 
Of  bleeding  hearts  and  Cupid's  quivers  ; 


106          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  you  would  wish  me  to  suppose 

Love  makes  his  entry  at  the  toes, 

Or  wherefore  do  you  thus  incline 

To  let  your  broad  foot  press  on  mine. 

For  shame,  Sir,  you  who  court  the  Graces  ! 

Your  feet  are  in  improper  places ; 

Why,  my  good  friend,  it  is  most  shocking, 

You'll  rub  the  blue,  Sir,  off  my  stocking. 

Susan,  I'm  sure,  will  look  askew,  1 

If  on  the  clocks  she  chance  to  view 

The  symptoms  of  your  awkward  shoe."     J 

Instant  she  rose  and  seiz'd  the  light, 

"  'Tis  time,"  she  said,  "to  say  good-night." 

"  Good-night,"  in  rapture  he  repeated, 

And  thus  his  hurrying  hostess  greeted. 

"  But  ere  you  go,  O  let  me  sip 

Th'  ambrosial  sweetness  of  your  lip!  " 

One  warm  salute  he  stole — no  more, 

Though  he  attempted  half  a  score : 

But  she  her  open  hands  applied 

To  his  lank  cheeks  on  either  side, 

Then  gave  his  ears  a  wringing  pull, 

Twitch'd  his  long  nose,  and  rapp'd  his  scull, 

Turn'd  his  fine  wig  all  o'er  and  o'er, 

And  brought  the  hinder  part  before ; 

Blew  out  the  light,  and  off  she  went, 

As  if  on  bitter  vengeance  bent. 

"  Susan,"  she  said,  "  my  rev'rend  spark 
Is  left  completely  in  the  dark  : 
So  get  a  light,  that  he  may  clamber 
With  all  attention  to  his  chamber  ; 
Then  give  him  to  his  servant's  care, 
That  he  may  do  no  mischief  there." 
Susan  obey'd,  but  scream'd  to  see 
Such  an  alarming  effigy, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          107 

When  the  recover'd  Syntax  said, 

"  Tell  me,  I  pray,  my  pretty  maid, 

With  what  your  mistress  is  possest 

That  thus  she  treats  her  rev'rend  guest." 

"  Lord  Sir,  believe  me,  'tis  no  more 

Than  she  has  often  done  before  ; 

One  of  my  lady's  lively  airs,  ^ 

For  she's  gone  laughing  up  the  stairs 

To  her  own  room — to  say  her  pray'rs."     J 

"Well,"  he  then  thought,  "I  will  refrain 

From  sense  of  wrong,  nor  e'er  complain  : 

She  will  not,  I  now  think,  expose 

My  sufPrings  from  her  doughty  blows, 

And  as  she  laughs,  I  will  not  cry ; 

She'll  keep  the  secret — so  will  I." 

He  now  approach'd  his  welcome  bed, 
But  ere  he  laid  his  aching  head, 
Pat  was  inform'd,  at  early  hour 
He  should  proceed  upon  his  Tour. 
But  yet  he  did  not  like  to  go 
Without  returning  blow  for  blow, 
Not  as  a  fretful,  angry  stroke, 
But  half  in  earnest,  half  in  joke  ; 
And  thought  he  could  not  do  it  better, 
Than  by  an  unexpected  letter. 
His  was  a  short,  disturb'd  repose, 
When  from  a  silken  bed  he  rose, 
Just  with  the  sun  ; — he  then  began, 
And  thus  the  sly  epistle  ran : — 

MADAM, 

WITH  all  regard  that's  due 
I  offer  these  feiu  hints  to  you  ; 
The  best  return  that  I  can  make, 
And  ivhtch  you  'will  in  kindness  take, 


ro8          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  all  your  laughing,  quizzing,  eating. 
Not  to  forget  the  precious  beating 
Which,  such  ivas  your  correcting  zeal, 
As  I  now  write  I  still  can  feel. 


Last  night,  I  know,  I  play  'd  the  fool, 
And  serv'd  to  wake  your  ridicule  : 
Tour  <wit,  your  wine,  your  gay  pretences, 
Must  have  deprived  me  of  my  senses, 
Or  surely,  I  should  ne'er  have  done 
What  I  now  blush  to  think  upon. 
Could  I  suppose,  'when  I  came  here, 
That  one  like  me  had  aught  to  fear  ? 
Say,  could  I  think  of  aught  so  shocking 
As  Mock'ry  clad  in  azure  stocking  ? 
The  Muses  and  the  Graces  too 
I  thought  to  find  in  garter  blue, 
That  which  old  proverbs  do  maintain, 
Is  never  known  to  bear  a  stain. 
And,  'with  my  sable  rev  rend  hue,        \ 
The  chasten  d  fancy  might  review 
A  union  rare  of  BLACK  and  BLUE.      J 
/  hop1  d  to  list  beneath  the  banners 
Of  high-wrought  mind  and  graceful  manners, 
All  which,  enliven*  d  I  should  see 
With  philosophic  pleasantry, 
While  hearts  congenial  might  consent 
To  join  in  tend' rest  sentiment. 
— Such  'were  my  hopes,  nor  need  I  tell 
What  fortune  those  same  hopes  befell. 
Fine  taste  and  elegance  I  own 
I  look' d  for  in  MA  'AM  0  MICRON, 
And  they  I  know  might  suited  be      \ 
To  deck,  as  I  had  hop'  d  to  see, 
The  most  rejln'd  simplicity. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          109 

But  lo  !  there  enter' d  in  its  stead. 

What  you  11  remember,  'while  you  read, 

Well  manag'd  trick  and  ready  laughter, 

Nor  'will  I  tell  -what  follow' d  after — 

For  I  can  only  take  for  granted, 

That,  by  some  art,  I  was  enchanted. 

— And  now,  as  I  am  taking  leave, 

Deign  my  kind  counsel  to  receive. 

Tou  laugh  at  others,  and  'what  then  ? 

They  may  return  the  laugh  again. 

Ho<w  ready* s  your  sarcastic  'word, 

With  She's  a  fright,  and  He's  absurd  ! 

But  'while  at  others'  faults  you  frown, 

Think  you,  alas,  that  you  have  none  ? 

'Tis  time,  if  I  have  eyes  to  see, 

To  quit  your  frisky  mockery, 

In  five  years  you'll  be  Forty-three  !      J 

That  secret  I've  contriv'd  to  trace, 

Besides  the  dial  on  your  face, 

Believe  me,  Madam,  tells  as  true 

As  any  household  clock  can  do. 

Touth  may  be  pardon' d  'when  it  plies 

Its  soft  or  sprightly  coquetries, 

And  even  be  allow' d  to  bear 

The  flattery  'which  courts  its  ear. 

Indeed,  I'm  not  so  idly  bold, 

As  e'en  to  hint  that  you  are  old, 

Tet  I  can  ne'er  allow  my  tongue 

To  err,  in  saying  you  are  young. 

Tour  beauty,  though  once  overflowing, 

Is  like  an  auction  lot — a-going  : 

In  vain,  Ma'am,  you  may  scold  and  frown, 

Time's  hammer  soon  will  knock  it  down, 

And  I  do  notforbode  a  stir 

Of  who  will  be  the  purchaser. 


no          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Why,  think  you,  that  I  could  not  see,      1 

Midst  all  my  'words'  embroidery, 

Tou  wear  a  Wig — as  'well  as  me  ?        J 

Nay,  I  could  name  a  striking  feature 

That's  deck' d  by  art  and  not  by  nature, 

Though  such  your  taste,  I  do  confess, 

When,  in  the  splendid  show  of  dress, 

So  'well  trick' d  up  your  form  appears, 

Tou  lose  full  half  a  dozen  years. 

But  yet  I  own  the  radiant  eye, 

Which  still  may  wake  th'  admiring  sigh  ; 

Whose  stern  look  still  may  cause  alarm, 

And  'whose  soft,  smiling  beam  may  charm, 

Nay,  I  with  warm  assent  allow, 

While  I  'with  ready  homage  bow, 

That  you  possess  the  mental  grace. 

That  in  your  character  I  trace 

A  mind  with  ample  powers  endued, 

To  please  the  learned  and  the  good. 

Let  then  your  affectations  cease, 

Give  joy,  do  good,  and  live  in  peace. 

— Quit  then,  0  quit  your  CIRCE'S  Art, 

By  which  you  play  a  treach'rous  part  ! 

0  leave  the  witch' ry  of  her  school, 

Nor  turn  a  'wise  man  to  a  fool ! 

Strive  from  all  'whims  your  mind  to  free, 

And  think  not,  you  e'er  laugh' d  at  me. 

— Thus  I  present  my  farewell  'warning, 

And  to  your  night-cap  bid  GOOD- MORNING. 
With  all  regard  your  virtues  claim, 
I  humbly  sign  my  humbled  name, 

SrNTAX. 

Thus  as  he  did  the  letter  fold, 
"I  may,"  he  thought,  "have  been  too  bold, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          in 

But  have  I  not  been  as  severe 

On  my  own  folly  as  on  her  ? 

If  I  can  check  these  wayward  tricks, 

And  her  fine  understanding  fix, 

(Fond  Nature's  gift  improv'd  by  art) 

And  give  right  impulse  to  her  heart ; — 

If  I  can  damp  her  lively  glory, 

In  chanting  forth  my  silly  story, 

To  make  the  grave  Blue  Stockings  laugh, 

While  they  their  evening  beverage  quaff, 

And  that  their  meeting  may  be  jolly, 

By  heighten'd  pictures  of  my  folly, 

This  letter,  thus  well  understood, 

May  prove  the  source  of  real  good." 

Now  with  a  sort  of  doubtful  whistle 
He  wafer'd  close  his  warm  epistle, 
And  without  pause,  he  thought  it  best 
To  leave  the  letter  thus  address' d : 

"  This  packet  Susan's  bid  to  take, 
When  Madam  chuses  to  a'wake." 

This  done  he  did  no  longer  wait,  1 

Punch  ready  stood ; — he  mounted  straight,      V 
And  trotted  briskly  through  the  gate. 


ii2  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 


CANTO  XXXVI 

SYNTAX  was,  it  might  be  thought, 
To  serious  contemplation  wrought 
By  all  he  had  so  lately  seen, 
Nay  what  he  had  so  lately  been, 
That  there  was  matter  to  supply 
Twelve  miles  of  good  soliloquy. 
But  he  wish'd  not  his  mind  to  fix 
On  the  strange  widow  and  her  tricks : 
For  though,  as  he  employ'd  the  key, 
T'  unlock  the  gates  of  memory, 
Some  motley  whimsies  might  appear, 
Which  had  found  a  sly  corner  there, 
And  would  awake  a  sense  of  mirth  ; 
Yet  he  must  feel  that  they  gave  birth 
To  certain  interludes  beside, 
Which  serv'd  to  wound  his  solemn  pride. 
For,  though  so  pure  might  be  his  aim, 
Reflection  gave  him  much  to  blame ; 
And  'stead  of  furnishing  content, 
Still  conscience  whisper'd  him — Repent. 
Thus  in  the  struggle  to  forget 
The  being  caught  within  the  net, 
Where  nought  that  he  had  hop'd  was  gain'd. 
Nor  e'en  the  slightest  good  obtain'd  ; 
Of  all  his  usual  life  bereft, 
He  neither  look'd  to  right  nor  left, 
Nor  down  to  earth,  nor  t' wards  the  spheres, 
But  onward  'tween  his  horse's  ears, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          113 

Where  to  a  point  his  eyes  he  brought, 

Which,  though  wide  open,  yet  saw  nought ; 

A  situation  often  known 

To  thought,  when  it  is  left  alone. 

At  length  the  pensive  Doctor  dos'd, 

And  both  his  eyes  were  quickly  clos'd ; 

For  a  soft,  all-subduing  sleep 

Did  on  his  senses  gently  creep, 

And  PAT,  a  faithful  servant  he, 

Did  on  this  sleepy  point  agree. 


This  page  attempts  not  to  explore, 
As  JEsop  did  in  days  of  yore, 
How  beasts  and  birds  and  reptiles  thought, 
And  by  what  potency  were  taught 
To  think  and  speak  and  act  like  men, 
Which  they  don't  now — if  they  did  then. 
Monkeys,  it  seems,  might  grin  and  vapour, 
There  cut  a  joke,  here  cut  a  caper  ; 
The  lion  might  be  call'd  to  rule, 
An  Elephant  might  keep  a  school : 
The  Snake,  with  gratitude  at  strife, 
Might  strike  at  his  preserver's  life ; 
While,  from  base,  mean  and  selfish  ends, 
The  hare  might  lose  her  many  friends  ; 
And  thus  the  animals  dispense 
The  sterling  rules  of  common  sense. 
But  well-fed  Punch  was  form'd  by  nature 
A  mere  instinctive,  useful  creature  ; 
Who,  on  the  road  or  in  the  stable, 
Would  not  have  answer'd  for  a  fable : 
Sure-footed,  subject  to  no  whim, 
And  sound  alike  in  wind  and  limb  ; 
Who  both  the  whip  and  spur  obey'd, 
In  the  proportion  they  were  laid ; 

VOL.  in. — 8 


ii4          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  if  he  happen'd  not  to  feel 

An  angry  hint  from  thong  or  steel, 

He,  by  degrees,  would  seldom  fail 

T'  adopt  the  gallop  of  a  snail. 

Just  now,  then  it  may  be  suppos'd, 

That,  while  his  drowsy  rider  dos'd, 

He  thought  he  had  a  right  to  go 

As  slow  as  any  horse  could  do  : 

But  still  he  chang'd  his  forward  way 

To  ease  a  passing  cart  of  hay, 

Or  to  the  right  or  left  would  pass 

To  snatch  a  tempting  tuft  of  grass. 

The  sun  grew  hot  and  Punch  was  dry, 

A  rippling  brook  was  running  by : 

Towards  the  clear  stream  his  way  he  bent, 

Snuff' d  the  cool  air,  and  in  he  went ; 

When,  after  having  drunk  his  fill, 

His  feet  were  cool'd  and  he  stood  still ; 

And,  feeling  neither  whip  nor  spur, 

He  thought  there  was  no  hint  to  stir. 

PAT  did  the  self-same  footsteps  trace, 

And  his  horse  sought  the  self-same  place. 

Thus,  side  by  side,  the  cattle  stood 

Knee-deep  within  the  crystal  flood  ; 

While  fast  asleep  the  riders  sat, 

The  Doctor  here,  and  there  was  Pat ; 

And  how  long  on  the  river's  lap 

They  might  have  thus  enjoy'd  their  nap 

It  is  not  worth  the  while  to  guess, 

It  would  of  course  be  more  or  less  ; 

But  a  rough  tinker  on  his  ass, 

Happ'ning  that  morn  that  way  to  pass 

Could  not  but  think  it  rather  droll 

To  see  them  sleeping  cheek  by  jowl ; 

Nor  could  he  check  his  rude,  gruff  laughter, 

To  hear  them  snoring  o'er  the  water  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          115 

Then,  with  a  piece  of  solid  metal 

He  struck  with  force  a  hollow  kettle, 

And  instant  the  resounding  stroke 

The  master  and  his  valet  woke. 

With  the  sudden  noise  they  started 

And  from  their  wat'ry  station  parted. 

The  Doctor  thought  a  shot  was  fir'd, 

And  from  what  quarter  he  enquir'd  ; 

The  Tinker  said,  "  You  need  not  fear, 

No  enemy,  good  Sir,  is  here : 

I  travel  all  the  country  round, 

To  fill  up  holes,  where  holes  abound. 

I  am  a  traveling,  tink'ring  stranger, 

Who  thought,  Sir,  that  you  were  in  danger ; 

For  had  you  met  an  overthrow 

In  the  mill-dam  that  is  below, 

'Twould  have  been  labour  all  in  vain, 

To  get  your  Honour  out  again  : 

And  as  I  could  not  reach  to  shake  you, 

I  made  the  noise  I  did,  to  wake  you." 

"  I  thank  you,  friend,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  Kindness  like  yours  should  be  repaid  ; 

It  is  a  debt,  I  freely  own, 

So,  Patrick,  give  him  half-a-crown." 

Poor,  tink'ring  Tom  was  quite  delighted, 

Who  look'd  not  to  be  thus  requited, 

For  all  he  did  and  all  he  spoke 

Was  in  the  way  of  saucy  joke : 

But  so  it  was,  and  off  he  went, 

Singing  his  way,  with  loud  content ; — 

While  his  brass  kettles  told  the  tale, 

As  they  resounded  through  the  vale. 


"How  long,"  says  Pat,  "  we  might  have  stay'd 
In  the  quick  waters'  running  shade, 


n6          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  why  my  brown  horse  and  your  mare 

Chose  to  take  a  position  there, 

Now  I'm  awaken'd,  makes  me  stare: 

For  howsoe'er  we  slept  or  dos'd, 

An*  please  you,  Sir,  our  eyes  were  clos'd.' 

"  Pat,"  said  the  Doctor,  "you're  a  fool ; 

The  morn  was  hot,  the  river  cool, 

The  beasts  were  early  out  and  dry, 

And  drowsy  too,  as  you  and  I, 

For  I  throughout  the  night  before, 

Had  not  slept  out  a  second  hour. 

— -But  let  us  on  our  journey  haste, 

The  breakfast  time  advances  fast, 

And  I've  within  a  certain  power 

That  tells  it  me  besides  the  hour. 

Nor  must  you,  Pat,  forget  to  rig 

In  its  first  honours  my  last  wig, 

Renew  its  curls,  and  thus  restore 

Its  form  to  what  it  was  before. 

Its  air  canonic  was  beset  1 

By  that  vain,  whimsical  coquet, 

To  whom  I  owe  resentment  yet ;     J 

Though,  as  a  Christian,  it  were  better 

Both  to  forgive  and  to  forget  her." 


Thus  as  he  reason'd  to  and  fro, 
Not  yet  determin'd  what  to  do, 
He  reach'd  a  pretty  town,  whose  name 
Does  not  possess  historic  fame, 
But  boasts  an  inn  which  Syntax  blest 
For  morning  meal  and  welcome  rest. 
The  wig  with  all  due  skill  repair'd, 
The  chin  dismantled  of  its  beard, 
His  whole  exterior  made  as  smart 
As  could  be  done  by  Patrick's  art, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          117 

He  set  off,  with  design  to  call 
Ere  the  sun  set  at  Tulip-Hall, 
And  on  the  way  his  mind  supply 
With  gen'ral  terms  of  botany, 
Call  on  his  mem'ry  to  review 
Whate'er  he  once  of  Flora  knew  ; 
Then  add  sweet,  sentimental  bloom, 
A  type  of  offerings  yet  to  come, 
And  with  such  fragrant  hope  prepare 
A  welcome  from  the  flowery  Fair. 


Thus  as  he  thought  a  voice  behind, 
Which  seem'd  to  load  the  passing  wind, 
Exclaim'd — "  What,  Doctor,  is  it  you  ? 
My  eyes,  I  thank  them,  tell  me  true : 
And  pray  accept  my  solemn  greeting, 
At  such  an  unexpected  meeting." 
Syntax  replied,  "  The  same  receive, 
Which  I  to  Doctor  Julep  give." 
— It  turn'd  out  that  their  journey  lay, 
For  several  miles,  the  self-same  way, 
When  the  Physician  thus  began 
To  tell  his  visit  and  its  plan. 
"  CAPIAS,  the  Lawyer,  whom  you  know, 
Left  business  some  few  years  ago  : 
In  short  he  now  has  given  up  thinking 
Of  ought  but  eating  and  of  drinking. 
Nay  once  a  fortnight  'tis  at  least, 
That,  after  some  redundant  feast, 
For  me  he  in  a  hurry  sends 
As  one  among  his  oldest  friends, 
To  ease  his  overloaded  paunch 
Of  what  remains  of  ham  and  haunch, 
And  to  exert  my  utmost  power 
His  weaken'd  stomach  to  restore. 


n8          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  soon,  alas,  too  soon  I  think, 

His  food  will  be  confin'd  to  drink, 

When  he  must  yield  to  his  disease, 

And  I  shall  lose  his  gen'rous  fees  ; 

For  I  am  not  asham'd  to  tell 

The  Lawyer  pays  the  Doctor  well. 

Forgot  is  his  Attorney's  trim, 

His  wary  tricks  are  chang'd  to  whim. 

In  stuccoed  eating-room  he  dines, 

But  takes  his  glass  with  all  his  tvines, 

And  where,  to  vary  his  regale, 

The  cask  pours  forth  the  foaming  ale ; 

For  to  his  cellar  he  descends, 

And  'neath  its  vault  he  treats  his  friends. 

There  the  ever-moving  glass 

Quickens  the  hours  as  they  pass, 

While  the  tale,  the  joke,  the  song, 

The  bacchanalian  feast  prolong. 

There  of  his  vintage  he's  profuse, 

And  e'en  if  BACCHUS  were  to  chuse, 

Wherever  he  might  chance  to  dine, 

With  CAPIAS  he  would  take  his  wine. 

O,  how  I  wish  you  would  attend, 

This  visit  to  my  jovial  friend  ! 

To  him,  dear  Sir,  you're  not  a  stranger, 

Nor  will  your  virtue  be  in  danger ! 

He'll  kindly  put  you  at  your  ease, 

With  him  you'll  do  just  what  you  please  : 

Nay,  'twill  amuse  you  thus  to  see 

And  hear  the  strange  variety." 


"You  know  I'm  not  so  very  nice," 
Said  Syntax,  *'  to  pronounce  it  vice 
When  friends  in  mod' rate  glasses  join, 
And  cheer  their  hearts  with  gen'rous  wine ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          119 

Social  love  appears  the  best 
When  seated  at  the  friendly  feast, 
Nor  can  it  wound  a  D.  D.'s  pride, 
When  I've  an  M.  D.  by  my  side. 
I'll  therefore  join  this  pleasant  frolic, 
But,  if  I  chance  to  get  the  cholic, 
You  must,  my  learned  friend,  agree, 
To  cure  the  pain  without  a  fee." 


This  by  the  Doctors  twain  agreed, 
Well-pleas'd  they  on  their  way  proceed. 
Capias  with  smiles  his  guests  receives, 
And  a  loud,  hearty  welcome  gives ; 
Nor  did  he  cease  repeated  greeting 
Till  dinner  came — and  then  to  eating. 
Not  a  word  passed  but  when  he  boasted 
The  ven'son  to  a  turn  was  roasted ; 
And  of  the  dishes,  as  they  came, 
He  told  their  excellence  and  name. 
The  dinner  o'er,  with  thanks  to  Heaven 
For  all  the  various  bounties  given, 
The  bacchanalian  suite  attend 
And  to  the  cellar  they  descend, 
In  the  vaulted  cave  benighted, 
'Till,  by  suspended  lanthorns  lighted, 
The  colour'd  blaze  dispers'd  the  gloom 
Of  the  subterranean  room. 
— Syntax  on  all  around  him  gaz'd, 
The  more  he  saw  the  more  amaz'd  : 
Bottles  on  bottles  seem'd  to  rise 
In  every  form,  of  ev'ry  size, 
And  casks  of  large  and  lesser  shape, 
Rich  with  the  juice  of  ev'ry  grape, 
Were  there  in  order  due  maintain'd 
By  thirst  luxurious  to  be  drain'd. 


120          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— Syntax  now  felt  himself  inclin'd 
T'  indulge  the  impulse  of  his  mind  ; 
But  this  was  not  a  time  for  thinking 
'Mid  such  a  fearful  threat  of  drinking. 

He  now  took  the  appointed  seat, 
Suspicious  of  the  liquid  treat, 
Resolv'd  to  keep  his  reason  clear, 
And  watch  what  might  be  doing  there. 
— Capias  exclaim'd,  "  This  is  the  toast, 
Which  in  this  place  must  rule  the  roast, 
And  my  good  friends,  I'm  sure,  will  see 
Its  claim  to  fair  priority  : 
I  give  the  LAW — to  that  are  owing 
The  means  that  set  these  currents  flowing  : 
He  loudly  then  pronounc'd  the  word, 
And  strait  the  ruby  bumper  pour'd  : 
The  Doctors  both  the  reason  saw 
Of  his  just  prefrence  to  the  Law. 
— Capias  again  fill'd  up  his  glass. 
"  The  second  toast  that  I  shall  pass 
Julep  with  pleasure  will  receive, 
'Tis  one  that  he  himself  would  give: 
Here's  PHYSIC — call'd  the  eye  of  science, 
Life's  firmest  friend  and  best  reliance  : 
Without  it  boldly  I  declare  1 

I  should  not  now  be  sitting  here, 
Thanks  to  the  learned  Doctor  there.     J 
You  both,  I  think,  forebode  the  next, 
Or  as  a  toast,  or  as  a  text ; 
Though  last,  the  highest  in  degree, 
So  now  I  give  DIVINITY." 

The  flowing  wine  here  found  a  pause  ; 
Capias  talk'd  loudly  on  the  laws ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          121 

When  Julep,  without  vain  pretence, 

But  with  a  ready  eloquence, 

Display'd  his  scientific  knowledge, 

As  a  learn'd  member  of  the  College  ; 

While  Syntax  thought  it  best  would  suit 

His  priestly  office  to  be  mute. 

Nor  did  the  Lawyer  now  appear 

To  wish  the  Doctor's  thoughts  to  hear, 

For  then  he  happen'd  to  be  thinking 

'Twas  time  to  take  again  to  drinking. 

"  To  what  we've  drunk,  we  all  agree,         1 

And  now,"  he  said,  "  I'll  give  all  three,      \ 

LAW,  PHYSIC  and  DIVINITY  !       J 

— -All  toasting  hence,  my  friends,  will  cease, 

And  each  may  do  as  he  shall  please." 

Syntax  who  sat  serenely  by, 
Kept  on  his  glass  a  wary  eye, 
While  the  physician  and  his  host 
Grew  rivals  as  to  drinking  most ; 
When  the  good-humour  of  the  day 
Seem'd  to  be  melting  fast  away. 

"  Let  me,"  said  Julep,  "  recommend, 
Good  Capias,  as  your  real  friend, 
From  this  wild  drinking  to  refrain, 
Nor  let  me  counsel  you  in  vain. 
From  that  vast  paunch  what  ills  betide  you, 
As  big  as  any  cask  beside  you  ! 
For,  if  you  thus  go  drinking  on, 
I  e'en  must  tap  that  Human  Ton." 

— "  Tap  me  ?  I  then  shall  ne'er  recover  : 
No,"  Capias  said,  "  'twill  soon  be  over 
Life's  stream  will  quickly  run  to  waste, 
For  what's  tapp'd  here  can  never  last : 


122  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

From  long  experience  I  must  own, 
Belly  or  cask,  'twill  soon  be  gone. 
But  hark,  you  ignoramus  elf, 
Feel  your  own  paunch  and — tap  yourself ! 
And  now  I'll  ask  the  grave  Divine 
Which  is  the  biggest,  yours  or  mine  !  " 

— "You,  like  your  brethren  of  the  law," 
Cried  Julep,  "  always  find  a  flaw, 
And,  as  you  strive  to  patch  it  o'er, 
Contrive  to  make  as  many  more. 
This  history  I  have  the  power 
To  lengthen  out  at  least  an  hour, 
But  'twould  be  painful  to  rehearse, 
So  I  will  sing  it  in  a  verse. 

When  the  terrible  law, 

Lays  its  horrible  paw 
On  a  poor  man  he's  sure  to  be  undone  ; 

Nay,  'twill  cause  his  undoing 

And  e'en  prove  his  ruin, 
Though  as  rich    as   the    Lord   Mayor   of 
London." 

"  Your  tricks,"  said  Capias,  "  never  cease 
To  humbug  health  into  disease  : 
And  thus  you  find  the  wealthy  ninnies, 
Who  take  your  pills  and  give  you  guineas. 
You  know,  old  Galen,  this  is  true, 
And  I  can  sing  as  well  as  you. 

— You  Doctors  ne'er  fail 
Whatever  we  ail, 

To  talk  us  all  o'er  as  you  please  ; 
For  whether  you  cure  us, 
Or  in  church-yard  immure  us, 

'Tis  the  same — you  all  pocket  our  fees !  " 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          123 

Thus  they  drank  and  thus  disputed, 
Thus  they  argued  and  confuted  ; 
Thus  they  sang  or  strove  to  sing,     1 
It  was  much  the  self-same  thing,      > 
With  some  little  stammering  ; 
Then  they  slept  and  woke  again, 
'Till  the  stable-clock  struck  ten. 

Syntax  to  escape  was  thinking 
From  this  beastly  scene  of  drinking, 
When  he  would  almost  have  preferr'd 
A  hog-trough  with  the  grunting  herd : 
Nay,  as  he  rather  had  a  feeling 
That  sleep  was  o'er  his  senses  stealing, 
He  thought  it  better  to  remove 
To  some  sweet  place  of  rest  above  ; 
W  hen,  as  he  turn'd  his  heavy  head 
He  saw  behind  a  supper  spread, 
Attended  by  a  household  dame, 
Whom  we  shall  now  Rebecca  name. 
Thither  he  dragg'd  his  wooden  chair, 
And  took  a  fix'd  position  there : 
To  Becky's  hand  he  gave  a  squeeze, 
And  thus  address'd  her — "  If  you  please,       V 
I'll  taste  your  tempting  toasted  cheese." 
"No,  Sir,"  she  said,  "here's  better  picking 
Broil'd  ham  and  a  nice  mushroom'd  chicken, 
So  season'd  I  should  not  be  willing 
To  swallow  it  for  twenty  shilling ; 
Though  as  a  relish,  I  can  boast 
The  making  an  anchovy  toast : 
And  something's  here  with  name  uncivil, 
For  our  cook  christens  it  a  Devil." 
— "  A  Devil,  in  any  shape,  sweet  maid  "j 

A  Parson  fears  not,"  Syntax  said ; 
"  I'll  make  him  minc'd-meat,  'tis  my  trade.     J 


i24          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  while  your  sav'ry  bits  I'm  eating 

Tell  me  what  means  this  vaulted  meeting  ? 

Whence  comes  the  whim  and  what's  the  cause 

That  moves  this  agent  of  the  laws 

To  play  a  part  that  seems  high  treason 

Against  the  sov'reign  law  of  reason  ?  " 

"  Through  summer  months,  it  is  his  rule," 

Rebecca  said,  "  because  'tis  cool. — 

For  the  first  hour  of  their  descent 

'Tis  all  kind  words  and  compliment, 

But  sure  as  my  stool  is  a  barrel, 

They  first  dispute,  and  then  they  quarrel, 

Then  sleep  and  wake  and  snort  and  snore 

'Till  they,  dear  souls,  can  drink  no  more. 

— It  is  my  office  to  appear 

With  this  superfluous  supper  here  ; 

For,  when  before  them  I  have  plac'd  it, 

Heav'n  bless  the  topers,  they  ne'er  taste  it ; 

And  while  they  sleep,  I  leave  the  cats 

To  guard  the  dainties  from  the  rats. 

But  that  self-same  fat  doctor  there 

Plays  a  sly  game,  as  I  could  swear  : 

For  though  he  drinks  and  talks  and  sleeps, 

Yet  he  a  careful  measure  keeps  ; 

For  he  contrives  to  save  his  head, 

And  walks  off  steadily  to  bed  ; — 

While  Mr.  Capias,  to  his  cost, 

Drinks  'till  his  ev'ry  sense  is  lost, 

When  all  the  household,  while  they  bless  him, 

Bear  him  up-stairs  and  there  undress  him. 

He  wakes  at  morn  with  aching  head,     1 

And  rumbling  stomach  over-fed, 

When  Julep  seats  him  by  his  bed. 

The  pill,  the  purge,  the  powders  follow, 

Which  he,  alas,  is  doom'd  to  swallow  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          125 

Then,  for  a  grumbling  week,  forsooth, 

He  does  not  use  a  grinding  tooth  : 

For  nought  is  on  his  table  seen, 

But  sago,  broths  and  medicine. 

Indeed,  whene'er  his  room  I  tread,     "I 

To  ope  the  curtains  of  his  bed, 

I  almost  fear  to  find  him  dead. 

— The  Doctor  having  done  his  deed, 

Is  by  the  grunting  patient  feed, 

Takes  leave  and  darts  off,  like  a  rocket, 

With  five  fresh  guineas  in  his  pocket." 


Said  Syntax,  "  'Tis  a  wretched  sight, 
So  let  your  fair  hand  take  a  light, 
And  show  me  where  to  rest  to-night ; 
For,  without  any  formal  warning, 
I  will  be  off  to-morrow  morning  ; 
And  leave,  sweet  maid,  my  pious  prayer, 
A  tribute  to  your  gracious  care. 
As  soon  as  cocks  begin  to  crow, 
I  hope  to  be  prepar'd  to  go." 
But  though  those  birds  their  matins  sung 
Before  his  wak'ning  bell  had  rung, 
It  had  not  struck  the  seventh  hour 
When  he  was  jogging  on  his  Tour. 


Some  smiles  they  pass'd,  but  not  a  word 
The  Doctor  or  his  man  preferr'd. 
At  length  his  Rev'rence  wish'd  that  Pat 
Should  let  loose  his  amusing  chat 
Of  what  he  did  and  all  he  saw, 
While  they  were  with  the  man  of  law. 
«  — Whate'er,"  he  said,  « I  look'd  to  see, 
Was  just,  Sir,  what  it  ought  to  be. 


126           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

So  kindly  Mrs.  Becky  chatter'd, 

And  Oh,  how  Pat  from  Cork  was  flatter'd  ! 

Of  the  good  things  I  had  the  best ; 

And,  faith  Sir,  I'm  not  now  in  jest : 

For  Mrs.  Becky  was  so  kind, 

That  she,  perhaps,  might  have  a  mind 

In  my  warm  heart  to  make  a  stir 

If  I  had  been  a  widower  ; 

For  when  I  told  her  I  was  married, 

0  quite  another  face  she  carried. 

And  please,  you,  Sir,  could  it  be  shown 
That  my  sweet  person  were  my  own, 

1  could  work  up  a  bargain  well, 
As,  if  you  please,  I  hope  to  tell. 
I  think  'tis  true  or  I  mistake, 
That  Becky  butters  well  her  cake 
She  does  whatever  she  may  please, 
And  she  not  only  keeps  the  keys, 
But  faith  nor  does  she  think  it  worse, 
She  handles  the  old  lawyer's  purse. 
Besides  whene'er  he  turns  to  clay, 
And  that  she  looks  for  ev'ry  day, 
'Twas  whisper'd  in  my  ear  that  she 
Expects  a  good  round  legacy. 

Thus,  when  his  guzzling  season's  o'er, 
She  will  ne'er  go  to  service  more, 
But  be  a  comely,  wealthy  wife, 
And  bless  some  honest  man  for  life ; 
Nay,  had  I  been  from  marriage  free, 
I  might  have  been  the  happy  he." 


He  paus'd. — The  Doctor  ever  kind, 
Who  felt  what  pass'd  in  Patrick's  mind, 
With  smiling  glance,  gave  this  reply : 
"  I  do  not  wish  just  yet  to  die, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          127 

But  when,  please  Heaven,  ray  course  is  run, 
And  life's  appointed  work  is  done, 
Patrick  may  find  that  Syntax  knew 
His  worth,  and  could  reward  it  too." 
The  honest  fellow  touch'd  his  hat : 
"  My  heart  now  thanks  you,  Sir,  for  Pat." 
He  softly  spoke,  and  breath'd  a  sigh, 
Then  drew  his  hand  athwart  his  eye : 
And  if  'twere  ask'd  what  he  felt  there  ; 
It  might  be  said,  a  grateful  tear. 

They  journeyed  on  nor  fast  nor  slow, 
But  much  as  other  people  do  : 
And,  at  an  anti-dinner  hour, 
Syntax  was  seated  in  a  bower, 
For  bower  it  was,  though  we  must  call 
The  blooming  mansion,  TULIP-HALL. 
Fresh,  balmy  sweets  were  found  to  breathe 
From  blushing  vase  or  pendant  wreath, 
While  springing  flowers  of  ev'ry  dye 
Enchanted  the  admiring  eye. 
Nor  was  this  all,  the  landscape's  pride 
With  the  gay  garden's  beauty  vied : 
Wide  spreading  groves  with  lawns  between, 
In  summer  foliage,  grac'd  the  scene, 
And  the  glittering  streamlets  play'd 
In  eddies  through  the  sunny  glade, 
While  flocks  were  scatter'd  o'er  the  dale 
Where  tall  pines  whisper  in  the  gale, 
And  midway,  in  th'  ethereal  blue, 
The  spire  divides  the  distant  view. 

As  Syntax  did  the  landscape  trace     1 
The  widow'd  mistress  of  the  place 
Appear'd  with  welcome  in  her  face,       J 


128          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Which  she  confirm'd  with  cheering  voice. 
"  To  see  you,  Sir,  I  do  rejoice, 
Pleas'd  too  that  you  did  not  delay 
Your  coming  here  beyond  to-day : 
We  want  just  such  a  man  as  you 
To  please  and  to  instruct  us  too : 
For  I  expect  three  charming  neighbours 
Who  aid  me  in  my  floral  labours : 
But  I  this  counsel  must  impart ; — 
Cast  a  broad  buckler  o'er  your  heart : 
For  'tis  my  duty,  though  a  stranger, 
To  warn  you  of  a  certain  danger. 
Thus  you  will,  now,  your  mind  prepare 
Our  lively,  social  joys  to  share ; 
While  I  to-morrow  shall  decree 
To  Flowers  and  to  Philosophy. 
But  as  the  toilette  now  attends 
To  deck  me  out  to  meet  my  friends, 
I  leave  you,  Sir,  till  I  am  drest, 
To  do  whate'er  may  suit  you  best." 
Then  from  her  breast- knot  gay  she  took 
A  nosegay,  and,  with  gracious  look, 
"  This  gift,"  she  said,  "  I  pray  receive, 
It  is  the  sweetest  I  can  give." 
"  Nay,"  he  replied,  *'  the  gift  I  view, 
Is  sweeter,  since  it  came  from  you — " 
And  thus  the  young  acquaintance  grew. 
— The  Doctor  up  the  village  walk'd 
And  with  the  gazing  peasants  talk'd, 
When  as  a  church  rose  in  his  view, 
He  thought  there  was  a  parson  too  ; 
So  to  the  vicarage  he  hied 
Where  at  the  window  he  espied 
A  damsel  full  of  joke  and  laughter, 
Who  prov'd  to  be  the  parson's  daughter. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          129 

He  with  respectful  look  and  mien, 
Ask'd  if  her  father  could  be  seen, 
When,  with  quick  speech  and  sprightly  eye, 
The  fair  one  hasten'd  to  reply, 
"  I'm  sorry  you  to-day  are  come, 
As  my  dear  father  is  from  home, 
For  he  is  gone  to  take  his  station 
At  the  Archdeacon's  visitation." — 
"  Will  you  then  say,  my  pretty  dear  ! 
That  Doctor  Syntax  has  been  here, 
And  if  it  is  my  lot  to  stay 
At  TULIP-HALL  another  day, 
If  I  to-morrow  should  remain, 
I  hope,  sweet  maid,  to  call  again : 
In  the  mean  time,  I  pray,  receive, 
'Tis  all,  I  fear,  I  have  to  give, 
These  flowers,  in  whose  form  is  shown 
A  native  beauty  like  your  own  ; 
And  may  it,  many  a  coming  year, 
In  all  its  present  glow  appear !  " 
He  did  his  fragrant  gift  present,  "1 

She  revell'd  in  the  charming  scent, 
And  smil'd  a  grateful  compliment.      J 
— A  matron  who  was  on  the  watch, 
From  upper  window  in  the  thatch, 
Thought  it  but  proper  to  descend, 
And  give  the  warnings  of  a  friend. 
"  I'm  sister,  Sir,  to  our  Divine, 
Nay  that  Miss  is  a  niece  of  mine, 
And  much  I  wish  to  hint  to  you 
What  my  good  brother's  self  would  do  ; 
That  you  must  your  keen  thoughts  prepare 
To  guard  against  some  hidden  snare, 
By  which  you  may  become  the  tool 
Of  lady  Tulip's  ridicule  : 
VOL.  in. — 9 


130          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  she  delights,  at  the  expence 

Of  men  of  gravity  and  sense, 

To  make  some  saucy  trick  prevail, 

And  furnish  out  a  merry  tale, 

In  which  her  well-fed  guests  combine, 

And  scandal-mongers  love  to  join  ; 

As  by  example  will  appear 

From  the  recital  you  shall  hear. 


"  Last  week,  she  had  the  art  to  move 
A  neigh b' ring  'Squire  to  offer  love, 
And  while  upon  his  knees  he  swore 
He  lov'd  as  none  e'er  lov'd  before, 
She  scream'd  aloud,  while  'tis  as  certain, 
Three  Misses,  hid  behind  the  curtain, 
Did  with  their  added  clamours  rouse 
The  various  guardians  of  the  house, 
Who  in  the  carpet  did  enfold  him, 
And  all  along  the  flooring  roll'd  him ; 
Then  squatted  on  him,  but  no  further, 
As  they  might  run  the  risque  of  murther. 
Embrown'd  with  dust,  all  hot  and  panting, 
Cursing  the  hour  of  his  gallanting, 
How  he  recover'd,  no  one  knows, 
But  round  the  neighbourhood  there  goes, 
Or  true  or  false,  a  curious  story, 
Which  I  decline  to  lay  before  you  : 
But  wheresoe'er  the  'Squire  can  move, 
He  hears  the  tale  of  making  love  ; 
And  all  repeat  the  carpet  brawl 
That  shook  the  floors  of  TULIP-HALL. 
Now,  should  this  strange,  capricious  dame 
Attempt  on  you  some  idle  game, 
Let  not,  I  beg,  your  patience  leave  you, 
Be  calm,  come  here,  and  we'll  receive  you. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          131 

The  Doctor  thus  was  well  prepar'd 
To  keep  himself  upon  his  guard, 
And  when  he  reach'd  the  hall,  he  found 
Th'  assembled  Misses  ranged  around, 
In  the  full  ton,  and  rather  pretty, 
With  apt  pretensions  to  be  witty. 
— The  dinner  came  with  taste  prepar'd, 
And  Syntax  its  rare  bounties  shar'd : 
In  the  dessert  fresh  garlands  bloom, 
Whose  odours  fill'd  the  ambient  room  ; 
And  much  he  thought  the  coming  hours 
Would  blossom  with  the  world  of  flowers, 
Their  classes,  orders,  native  dyes, 
Their  species  and  varieties, 
Their  leaves,  trunk,  stem,  supports  and  root, 
Their  flow'ring,  with  their  seed  or  fruit ; — 
He  thought  they  would  Linnaeus  quote, 
And  all  Miss  Wakefield  speak  by  rote.1 
But  not  a  word  was  said  of  flowers, 
No  sweets  were  there,  they  dealt  in  sours, 
For  not  a  thought  dismiss'd  a  sound 
But  some  known  name  receiv'd  a  wound. 
Among  the  grave,  they  nought  could  see 
But  symbols  of  hypocrisy, 
While  those  whom  merry  fancy  rules 
Were  noisy  and  outrageous  fools  ; 
The  grave,  the  gay,  the  old  and  young, 
Felt  the  full  malice  of  their  tongue  : 
And  as  for  beauty,  not  a  grace 
Was  own'd  to  smile  about  the  place. 
Tea  came,  nor  did  its  cheering  water 
Check  the  malignant,  smashing  slaughter  : 
For  still  they  told  of  ev'ry  feud 
That  did  disturb  the  neighbourhood  : 

1  An  elegant  Introduction  to  the  Science  of  Botany,  by 
Miss  Priscilla  Wakefield. 


132  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  gossip's  tale  and  envy's  gall 

Resounded  in  the  blooming  hall. 

— The  Sage  benignant  utter'd  nought 

But  thus  indulg'd  the  secret  thought : 

"  Where  all  these  fragrant  flow'rets  blow, 

Rue,  wormwood,  nettles,  ought  to  grow." 


At  length  the  temple  of  perfume 
Was  quitted  for  the  billiard-room. 
Ladies  command,  he  must  obey, 
So  Syntax  took  a  cue  to  play, 
Tho'  he  did  not  the  laugh  approve, 
As  he  propos'd  to  play  for  Love, 
Or  when  the  usual  sum  was  nam'd, 
For  which  these  ladies  always  gam'd. 
But,  yet  it  seem'd  as  if  he  won, 
Though  when  the  pastime  they  had  done, 
He  was  inform'd,  and  to  his  cost, 
The  several  parties  he  had  lost, 
As  they  were  coolly  counted  o'er 
By  the  tall  Miss  who  kept  the  score. 
Whate'er  he  fancied  in  their  feats, 
He  could  not  say  he  thought  them  cheats, 
So  he  put  on  a  smiling  face, 
And  paid  his  losings  with  a  grace. 
—The  ev'ning  rather  calmly  past, 
When  they  all  said,  good-night,  at  last ; 
And  the  next  morn,  the  breakfast  o'er, 
The  whole  a  pleasing  prospect  wore ; 
When  Ma'am  proposed  to  show  the  glory 
Of  her  renown'd  Conservatory, 
Where  every  plant  and  flower  was  found 
That  takes  a  root  in  British  ground, 
While  many  a  native  it  could  boast 
Of  distant  clime  and  foreign  coast : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          133 

Nor  did  her  fine  harangue  neglect 
The  true  Botanic  Dialect. 
But  just  as  Syntax  felt  inclin'd 
To  speak  the  impulse  of  his  mind, 
And,  with  a  ready  force,  dispense 
His  scientific  eloquence, 
She  urg'd  him  to  direct  an  eye 
To  a  fine  Rose  of  Tartary  : 


"  It  is  upon  the  upper  row, 
So  mount,  and  bring  it  here  below, 
And  I'll  refresh  it  as  I  stand 
With  a  full  wat' ring-pot  in  hand." 
Careful  and  step  by  step  he  mov'd, 
But  just  as  he  successful  prov'd, 
A  shelf  gave  way,  another  follow'd, 
Ma'am  Tulip  scream'd,  the  gard'ner  hallooed, 
While  Syntax  join'd  the  gen'ral  bawling, 
And  soon  upon  the  ground  was  sprawling  ; 
When,  scatter'd  round  upon  the  green, 
Pots,  flowers  and  hat  and  wig  were  seen. 
The  lady  trembling,  from  the  spout 
Let  the  cool,  sprinkling  water  out, 
Which  did  in  various  streamlets  play 
On  Syntax  as  he  struggling  lay. 
"O  cease,"  he  cried,  "these  rills  to  pour, 
My  head  is  neither  pot  nor  flower, 
And  for  the  flowers  my  brains  produce, 
They're  not  for  Lady  Tulip's  use : 
If  with  these  dripping  favours  crown'd, 
Have  mercy,  or  they'll  all  be  drown'd." 
He  roll'd  away  and  then  uprose 
His  moisten'd  drap'ry  to  compose  ; 
But  when  she  saw  on  looking  round 
The  fragments  scatter'd  o'er  the  ground, 


134          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

O  never  did  the  realms  of  Drury 
Display  a  more  decided  fury. 
"  See,"  she  exclaim'd,  "  you  horrid  Bruin, 
The  matchless  mischief  you've  been  doing  ! 
These  plants,  I  tell  you,  cost  me  more 
Than  a  year's  tithes  could  e'er  restore. 
Ill-luck  in  its  worst  guise,  is  seen, 
In  that  beshrivell'd  face  and  mien  ! 
Be  gone,  you  old,  ill-boding  fright, 
Haste,  leave  my  house,  and  quit  my  sight ! 
The  lemon-scented  moss  that  came 

From I've  forgot  the  frightful  name, 

And  my  conundrum  tulip's  gone, 

A  flower  so  rare,  that's  scarcely  known 

In  any  hot-house  but  my  own. 

It  makes  my  blood  with  vengeance  boil, 

That  you  this  EDEN  should  despoil  !  " 

"  EDEN,"  he  said,  "it  may  appear, 

For  I  behold  a  Serpent  here  ; 

Though  not  with  one  attractive  feature 

To  tempt  the  heart  of  human  creature." 

"  Gard'ners,"  she  cried,  "  where  are  you  all  ? 

Expel  this  instant  from  the  hall 

This  saucy  parson,  chase  him  hence, 

And  kick  him  for  his  insolence." 

At  him  the  wat'ring  pot  she  threw, 

His  arms  repell'd  it  as  it  flew, 

When  it  return'd  a  hollow  sound, 

As  it  bounc'd  from  the  verdant  ground. 

But  when  a  fork  she  sought  to  wield,      } 

The  Doctor  did  not  wait  to  yield, 

But  to  the  fury  left  the  field  ; 

And  with  quick  steps  the  prudent  Sage 

Sought  refuge  at  the  Vicarage  ; 

Where,  with  his  pipe  and  balmy  ale, 

He  jok'd  and  told  his  curious  tale. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          135 

"  But  how,"  said  he,  "  does  she  contrive 
To  keep  this  influence  alive  ? 
And  what  are  they  who  thus  submit 
To  her  strange  pranks  and  ribald  wit  ?  " 
"  Good  Doctor  Syntax,  have  you  been 
So  many  years  in  life's  strange  scene," 
The  Vicar  said,  "and  ask  to  prove 
How  all  the  various  passions  move  ? 
Your  experience  sure  can  tell 
Who  know  so  much  and  think  so  well, 
That,  where  the  powers  of  wealth  abound, 
There  humble  parasites  are  found  ; 
Whose  base  and  reptile  soul  will  bear 
If  they  be  said  a  soul  to  share, 
The  humbling  tricks,  and  be  the  game 
Of  such  a  witch  as  Tulip's  dame, 
Brib'd  by  the  feed  she  can  afford 
To  offer  at  her  plenteous  board. 
I  hate  her,  as  she  loves  to  deal  in 
Pranks  that  betray  such  want  of  feeling. 
Though  wealth  may  this  world's  heaven  impart, 
That  breast's  a  hell  which  wants  a  heart ! 
She  strove  one  day  to  give  me  pain, 
But  she'll  ne'er  play  that  game  again. 
I  let  the  haughty  Madam  see,  1 

That  a  poor  Vicar  could  be  free,      > 
And  stamp  upon  her  tyranny  ; 
Nor  do  I  think  she's  free  from  fear 
Of  him  who  is  now  sitting  here. 
She  once  seiz'd  on  my  blushing  daughter 
To  be  a  theme  for  open  laughter, 
But  Sophy  dear,  who  does  inherit 
A  portion  of  her  father's  spirit, 
Return'd  a  calm  but  modest  dressing, 
For  which  I  gave  the  girl  my  blessing. 


136           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  as  the  Lady,  from  her  store, 
Is  sometimes  lavish  to  the  poor, 
Hence,  as  her  due,  respect  attends, 
Whene'er  we  meet — but  there  it  ends." 
Syntax  his  rev'rend  host  approv'd, 
For  'twas  the  spirit  which  he  lov'd. 
— Thus  having  pass'd  a  cheerful  day, 
Tow'rds  ev'ning  he  pursued  his  way. 


As  he  jogg'd  to  his  night's  abode 
The  thoughtful  trav'ller  lost  his  road  ; 
And  as  he  stopp'd  awhile  to  know 
The  ready  way  he  ought  to  go, 
The  distant  shouts  of  joy  were  heard, 
But  not  a  living  soul  appear'd. 
At  length  Pat  cried,  "  I  see  them  come, 
And  'faith,  it  is  a  harvest  home." 
Said  Syntax,  "  What  a  charm  to  see 
This  show  of  glad  simplicity  ! 
How  difPrent  this  delightful  scene 
From  those  where  we  so  late  have  been, 
Where  wealth  dealt  out  its  doles  of  folly, 
Enough  to  make  one  melancholy." 
The  throng'd  procession  now  drew  near, 
In  front  the  mingled  groupes  appear 
Of  jovial  peasants,  who  employ 
Their  voices  loud,  in  hymns  of  joy. 
Then  comes  the  lab'ring  waggon's  load, 
Dragg'd  on  along  the  winding  road, 
Rich  with  the  sheaves  the  harvest  yields, 
The  closing  bounty  of  the  fields. 
—The  Farmer,  joy  from  top  to  toe, 
With  loud  huzza  led  on  the  show, 
While  rustic  music  join'd  the  strain 
Of  HARVEST  HOME,  and  cheer'd  the  plain. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          137 

— Th'  enliven'd  Doctor  thus  addrest 

The  jolly  master  of  the  feast. 

"  My  honest  friend,  I  joy  to  see 

This  rich  reward  of  industry, 

And  may  this  plenty  still  appear 

To  greet  you  many  a  future  year, 

And  to  your  honest  wish  be  given, 

The  bounties  of  indulgent  Heaven  !  " 

He  then  at  once  declar'd  his  name, 

Told  who  he  was,  and  whence  he  came, 

And  ask'd  the  farmer  just  to  show 

The  way  which  he  proposed  to  go. 

"  Leave,  Sir,"  he  said,  "  that  thought  behind, 

It  is  an  awkward  way  to  find : 

To-night,  I  pray,  no  further  roam, 

But  stay,  and  join  our  Harvest  Home  ; 

And  in  the  morn  without  delay, 

I  will  conduct  you  on  your  way. 

It  will  to  us  an  honour  be, 

And  by  my  looks  I  trust  you  see      J- 

I  speak  with  humble  honesty. 

All  welcome  and  respect  that's  due, 

Shall,  Rev'rend  Sir,  be  paid  to  you  : 

Besides,  Sir,  and  that's  worth  possessing, 

Our  feast  will  have  your  pious  blessing. 

O  think  not  that  the  clam'rous  noise 

With  which  the  peasant  tells  his  joys, 

Makes  him  forget  to  whom  he  owes 

The  plenty  which  the  year  bestows." 

Said  Syntax,  "No  ! — It  is  the  heart 

That  does  the  grateful  sense  impart : 

Though  rude  the  language,  if  the  prayer 

Can  trace  it  to  its  fountain  there, 

Howe'er  or  whene'er  it  is  given, 

'Twill  surely  reach  the  courts  of  Heaven  ! 


138          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— Beneath  the  temple  of  the  skies 

You  offer  your  glad  sacrifice  ; 

And  that  I  join  it  you  will  see 

From  the  example  set  by  me." 

— The  dance,  the  music  and  the  song, 

United  as  they  came  along, 

And  gave  a  spirit  to  the  scene, 

Amid  the  gambols  on  the  green. 

— Syntax  would  now  his  skill  display 

Among  the  minstrels  of  the  day, 

And  ask'd  a  fiddle  to  be  sought ; 

The  instrument  was  quickly  brought  ; 

It  answer'd  to  his  active  hand, 

When  he  march'd  on  and  led  the  band. 

The  joyous  show  in  rural  state, 

Now  approach'd  the  mansion  gate, 

Where  its  delighted  mistress  stood 

With  comely  look  and  smiling  mood  ; 

While  her  three  daughters  fair  display 

Their  charms  with  flow'rs  and  ribbons  gay, 

And  sung — "  With  joy  we  see  you  come, 

Welcome,  Welcome  Harvest  Home !  " 


The  rural  banquet  now  appear'd, 
Each  loaded  dish  was  loudly  cheer'd  ; 
Beef  roast  and  boil'd,  the  Briton's  fare, 
Was  in  abundant  plenty  there  : 
The  pastry  too,  with  walls  of  crust, 
Waited  the  ploughman's  eager  thrust ; 
The  pudding,  with  its  plumbs  well  stor'd, 
And  many  a  cheesecake  crown'd  the  board 
Nor  was  the  custard,  so  renown'd 
As  rural  dainty,  absent  found  ; 
While  Bacchus  did  to  Ceres  pay 
The  friendly  homage  of  the  day  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          139 

Nor  did  his  flowing  tribute  fail, 

In  copious  jugs  of  foaming  ale. 

— The  Sage  uprose  : — with  solemn  look 

And  silent  preface,  thus  he  spoke. 

"  To  THEE,  the  giver  of  all  good, 
We  offer  up  our  gratitude, 
For  all  the  blessings  that  we  share 
From  thy  benign,  paternal  care  ; 
And  while  our  thanks  we  thus  employ 
For  blessings  which  we  now  enjoy, 
The  crying  wants  of  those  supply, 
Who  bend  beneath  adversity  : 
Relieve  them  from  thy  plenteous  store, 
That  they  like  us  may  want  no  more. 
As  Ravens  from  thy  hand  are  fed, 
O  give  us  all  our  DAILY  BREAD  ! 
And  in  what  state  soe'er  we  move, 
That  all  our  doings  may  improve 
Assist  us,  Gracious  Power,  and  we 
Shall  learn  thy  laws — and  live  to  THEE  !  " 
— A  chorus  of  Amens  succeed, 
Which  gave  the  sign  from  word  to  deed. 

The  Doctor  now  resum'd  his  seat, 
And  smiling  view'd  the  piles  of  meat ; 
When  hasty  hunger  seem'd  to  wait 
Round  ev'ry  dish,  on  ev'ry  plate  : 
E'en  sixty  mouths  were  soon  seen  wagging, 
And  not  a  single  jaw-bone  lagging. 
Ere  a  short  hour  was  gone  and  past, 
This  mighty  meal  had  seen  its  last, 
While  many  an  empty  dish  display'd 
The  change  by  hunger  labour-made. 
The  brimming  cups  now  took  their  round, 
When  jests  and  merry  tales  abound  : 


140          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  social  fun  and  many  a  joke 

Blend  with  the  pipe's  ascending  smoke. 

The  toasts  are  given,  and  jovial  song 

Does  the  gay,  festive  hour  prolong. 

Then  to  the  garden  turf  they  sped  ; — 

The  moon  shone  brightly  over  head, 

And  many  a  maid  and  many  a  swain 

Tripp'd  nimbly  on  the  shaven  plain  ; 

Nor  was  their  merry-making  done 

'Till  Luna  yielded  to  the  Sun. 

But  just  as  Phoebus  'gan  to  peep 

From  his  night's  lodging  in  the  deep, 

The  farmer  thus  his  friends  address'd  :       } 

"  I  give,  ere  we  depart  to  rest, 

The  health  of  our  kind,  rev'rend  guest,      J 

With  hearty  thanks  that  he  should  come 

To  grace  our  humble  Harvest  Home. 

The  toast  which  I  with  pleasure  give, 

You  will,  with  gen'ral  joy  receive  ; 

Then  join  the  heart-felt  wish  with  me ; 

So  here's  his  health — with  THREE  TIMES  THREE!  " 

The  Doctor  felt  an  honest  pride, 
Then  wav'd  his  hand  and  thus  replied  : — 
"  Think  not  because  I  preach  on  Sundays, 
I  may  not  aid  your  joy  on  Mondays  ! 
Think  not  I  fear  dread  Heaven's  displeasure, 
Because  I  guide  your  festive  measure, 
Or  that  I  thus  your  feast  prolong 
With  social  mirth  or  lively  song  ; 
These  doth  indulgent  Heaven  dispense 
To  labour  and  to  innocence. 
— Continue  worthy  to  receive 
The  bounties  Heaven  is  pleas'd  to  give ; 
The  blossoms  of  the  fragrant  Spring, 
The  Summer,  when  the  valleys  sing 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          141 

With  yellow  harvest,  and  demand 
The  sickle  in  the  reaper's  hand  : 
The  Autumn,  when  the  fruitage  glows, 
Bending  to  earth  the  laden  boughs  ; 
And  when  the  barn  in  Winter  pours, 
To  pay  your  toil,  its  hoarded  stores  : 
For  these  your  hearts  and  voices  raise 
In  humble  prayer  and  grateful  praise ; — 
And,  in  your  various  stations,  move 
With  virtue,  harmony  and  love. 
Your  duty  crown  with  cheerful  labour, 
And  upright  dealings  with  your  neighbour, 
What  conscience  tells  must  not  be  done, 
That  is  the  deed  which  you  must  shun  ; 
What  conscience  tells  that  you  should  do, 
That  is  the  way  you  must  pursue ; 
And  acting  thus,  you  will  possess 
The  surest  means  of  happiness. 
With  patience  bear  the  ills  that  wait     "j 
On  mortal  man,  whate'er  his  state, 
In  lowly  cot,  or  rich  or  great : 
And  when  fair  fortune  beams  its  ray, 
Grateful  enjoy  the  prosp'rous  day  ; 
Whether  'tis  sunshine  or  the  storm, 
To  your  known  duties  still  conform. 
Practise  these  lessons  of  a  friend  ;  "j 

Then  comfort  will  your  lives  attend, 
And  peace  will  bless  your  latter  end."     J 
— Thus  did  the  Sage  his  counsels  close, 
Then  sought  his  pillow's  calm  repose. 


The  Muse  may  have  forgot  the  hour 
When  Morpheus  yielded  up  his  power, 
And  Syntax  from  his  slumbers  broke, 
As  if  'twere  said — when  he  awoke  : 


1 42           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  surely  'tis  enough  to  say, 

He  found  his  spirits  light  and  gay  ; 

When,  in  their  full  and  lively  flow, 

He  join'd  the  worthy  folk  below  ; 

Nor  was  the  Don  displeas'd  to  see 

The  morning's  hospitality ; 

And  to  improve  the  plenteous  fare, 

The  welcome  smile  abounded  there. 

— To  all  the  Doctor's  friends  'tis  known, 

And  he  himself  will  frankly  own, 

That  whether  good  or  ill  o'ertakes  him, 

An  active  stomach  ne'er  forsakes  him  ; 

And  he  did  such  a  breakfast  make 

On  new  bak'd  loaf  and  oven-cake, 

That  they  all  look'd  with  wond'ring  eye, 

At  his  gaunt  mouth's  artillery. 

— The  Honest  Farmer,  such  was  known 

His  name  and  all  his  life  to  crown, 

For  'twas  in  gen'ral  use  become 

To  call  Tom  Truman  HONEST  TOM, 

Now  hop'd  his  rev'rend  guest  would  stay 

And  glad  his  house  another  day, 

For  still  it  would  be  holiday : 

But  Syntax  said  he  must  be  gone, 

And  begg'd  the  favour  to  be  shown 

To  Crotchet  Lodge,  the  nearest  way, 

As  there  his  promis'd  errand  lay. 

"O,"  said  the  farmer,  "from  my  grounds 

You  may  see  clear  the  wood  that  bounds 

The  place  where  Madam  doth  reside, 

'Tis  not  a  hasty  hour's  ride ; 

Within  that  time,  I'm  sure  your  mare, 

With  all  her  fat,  will  take  you  there." 

— A  smile  now  play'd  on  Truman  s  face, 

On  which  the  Sage  thought  he  could  trace 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          143 

A  certain  inward,  secret  feeling, 

That  his  good  host  aim'd  at  concealing  ; 

Which,  could  he  urge  him  to  declare, 

Might  give  him  hints  that  would  prepare 

His  mind  with  caution  due  to  greet 

Whate'er  reception  he  should  meet. 

"  Tell  me,"  he  said,  "  friend,  what  you  know 

Of  this  same  place  where  I'm  to  go ; 

As  it  may  be  of  use  to  me, 

To  hear  what  I  perchance  may  see  : 

You  would  oblige  me  to  explain 

What  whimsies  haunt  Miss  Crotchet's  brain, 

As  ladies  who  thus  live  alone  } 

Are  sometimes  to  odd  habits  prone, 

And  more  so,  when  old  maidens  grown  :      J 

As,  'gainst  her  droll'ries  should  she  show  them, 

I  can  protect  me,  did  I  know  them ; 

Nor  can  you  fear  I  should  betray 

What  to  my  ear  you  may  convey." 

But  while  the  farmer  seem'd  to  doubt 

If  he  should  let  the  matter  out ; 

The  mistress  of  the  mansion  said, 

"Why,  Thomas,  need  you  be  afraid? 

She's  music-mad,  the  country  knows  it, 

And  ev'ry  day  her  fancy  shows  it. 

Where  is  a  lady  ever  seen 

To  play  upon  a  violin  ? 

And  more  than  half  her  time  is  spent 

In  scraping  on  that  instrument ; 

And  we  have  heard,  when  thus  engag'd, 

She  looks  a  bedlamite  enrag'd. 

Sometimes  she  smiles  and  then  will  frown, 

Casts  her  eyes  up  and  then  looks  down, 

Is  known  to  swear  as  well  as  sigh, 

And  scream  aloud  in  extasy  ; 


144  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Nay,  she  is  even  said  to  swoon, 

When  German  Peg  plays  out  of  tune  : 

For  while  she  works  her  fara-diddle, 

The  old  girl  strums  a  monstrous  fiddle, 

Of  such  a  size,  our  Clerk  can  prove, 

That  asks  a  strong  man's  strength  to  move ; 

He  as  a  workman  did  attend  it, 

And  once  was  call'd  in  haste  to  mend  it : 

He  says  its  belly  would  contain 

More  than  will  fill  a  sack  with  grain. 

— Nor  is  this  all,  no  not  by  half, 

And  oft  her  whimsies  make  me  laugh. 

When  any  of  the  straggling  poor, 

Relief  to  ask  approach  her  door, 

She  does  not  question  their  distress, 

Or  how  their  wants  she  may  redress, 

But  for  an  instant  song  will  call, 

And  if  they  sing,  whate'er  their  squall, 

They're  usher'd  to  the  servants'-hall, 

And  'mid  the  men  and  maids  and  boys, 

She  laughs  and  listens  to  their  noise ; 

And  those  who  chaunt  a  pleasant  ballad, 

Will  to  their  roast  meat  get  a  sallad  : 

But  if  they  cannot  sing  or  play, 

They  pennyless  are  sent  away. 

Such  are  her  whims,  and  many  more 

The  country  rumours  have  in  store. 

But  when  her  music  quits  its  tether, 

Which  sometimes  haps  for  days  together, 

She  then  like  other  folks  is  seen 

In  quiet  chat  with  easy  mien. 

— While  thus  postpon'd  her  music's  labours 

She  hospitably  treats  her  neighbours  ; 

And  then,  perhaps,  as  you  may  see, 

Madam  is  no  more  mad  than  me." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          145 

The  Doctor  thus  the  matron  heard, 
And  felt  her  story  had  prepar'd 
His  fancy  to  play  off  its  art, 
Not  with  a  view  to  guard  his  heart, 
For  he  no  reason  had  to  fear 
That  Crotchet's  female  chanticleer 
Would  e'er  excite  one  idle  wish 
To  dip  in  matrimonial  dish. 
He  thought,  with  widows  I  have  fail'd, 
And  now  a  maid  must  be  assail'd : 
I  little  from  the  scheme  expect, 
But  still  I'll  not  the  chance  neglect ; 
For  this  world's  plans  so  strangely  vary, 
That  oft  our  fairest  hopes  miscarry, 
While  sometimes  those  designs  succeed 
When  dark  despair  beclouds  the  deed. 
How  oft  when  storms  disturb  the  morn, 
The  sun's  bright  rays  the  moon  adorn  ; 
Nay,  when  the  day  has  boist'rous  been, 
The  evening's  gay  with  smile  serene. 
Thus  without  much  of  hope  or  fear, 
To  Crotchet- Lodge  my  course  I  steer, 
While  I  a  cautious  mind  prepare 
For  all  that  may  befall  me  there ; 
Ready  to  meet  with  steady  eye, 
Whether  the  fair-one  may  supply      j- 
Her  DISCORD  or  her  HARMONY  :       J 
E'en  though  she's  govern'd  by  the  moon, 
She'll  beat  in  time  and  scold  in  tune. 
— And  now,  good  friends,  my  thanks  receive ; 
I  wish  that  I  had  more  to  give  ! 
But  still  my  grateful  thoughts  are  bent 
On  more  than  bare  acknowledgment. 
Permit  me  then,  to  say  again 
That  my  warm  home  is  Sommerden  : 

VOL.  in. — 10 


1 46          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Nay,  what  I  mean,  full  well  you  know, 
When,  honest  Tom,  I  tell  you  so ; 
And  while  I  take  you  by  the  hand 
My  heart's  regard  you  may  command." 
— Syntax  now  gave  the  dame  a  kiss, 
As  well  as  to  each  rustic  miss 
Who  did  the  busy  needle  ply, 
The  boast  of  Truman  s  family. 
Thus  did  he  his  farewell  conclude          \ 
With  the  fond  blessing  of  the  good  ; 
And  soon  his  ready  way  pursued. 


Of  the  gay  Lodge  he  came  in  view, 
And  pac'd  down  the  long  avenue  ; 
Where  cages  hung  on  ev'ry  tree, 
From  which  was  heard  the  melody 
Of  birds,  who  in  their  nature  rove, 
The  choristers  of  every  grove  ; 
But  thus  confin'd,  the  whole  day  long 
They  charm  with  their  untutor'd  song  ; 
While  fountains  with  their  tinkling  falls 
Fill'd  up  the  silent  intervals. 
The  doors  no  noisy  knocker  plied 
To  bid  the  portals  open  wide ; 
But  when  the  fingers  touch'd  the  string 
Soft  silver  bells  in  cadence  ring, 
Which  a  smart,  tuneful  Indian  call 
To  give  admittance  to  the  hall, 
While  his  big  pouting  lips  dispense 
The  pipe's  Pandean  eloquence. 
Thus  Syntax  did  an  entrance  gain, 
And  soon  his  ear  was  charm'd  to  pain  ; 
For,  in  each  window  there  reclin'd     1 
A  harp  that  felt  the  sweep  refin'd 
Of  the  soft  zephyrs'  waving  wind  ;      J 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          147 

No  hands  could  touch  the  strings  so  fine. 

What  sweet,  what  solemn  airs  divine 

Now  up  the  diapason  roll, 

Then  sink  again  into  the  soul, 

And  wake  sweet  musings  in  the  heart,     } 

As  seraphs  did  a  hymn  impart 

Beyond  the  reach  of  mortal  art ; 

And  did  enchantment  soft  supply, 

By  its  aerial  minstrelsy. 

The  Doctor  pass'd  through  many  a  door  ; 
The  little  Negro  walk'd  before, 
And,  in  his  way,  he  play'd  a  tune, 
'Till  they  had  reach'd  a  gay  saloon, 
Whose  ceiling  and  its  walls  display'd 
A  various  kind  of  serenade, 
Where  all  the  Muses  nine  appear 
In  Heliconian  character : 
Nay,  Music  all  around  inspires  ; — 
The  very  chairs  are  deck'd  with  lyres, 
While  satyrs,  with  their  piping  reed, 
Support  the  sofa's  lolling  bed  ; 
And  clocks  with  spreading  symbols  screen 
Their  dials  that  they  scarce  are  seen  ; 
Not  plac'd  so  much  to  mark  the  time, 
As  to  play  tunes  and  ring  a  chime. 
The  organ  too,  whose  sound  obeys 
The  nimble  hand  that  sweeps  the  keys, 
Or  that  whose  settled  tunes  he  finds 
Whoe'er  the  turning  barrel  grinds  : 
And  still  the  zephyrs  breath'd  the  swell 
Of  sounds  from  power  invisible. 
— Thus  the  Doctor's  ears  and  eyes 
Were  quite  suspended  with  surprise  ; 
In  short,  all  that  he  saw  around  him 
Serv'd  to  delight  and  to  confound  him. 


148          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

He  thought,  if  e'er  beneath  that  roof 
The  harmonious  virtues  stood  aloof, 
Nay  he  was  sure  if  Discord  e'er 
Should  make  a  moment's  entrance  there, 
The  witch  would  vanish  in  despair. 

Thus  as  his  wav'ring  mind  compar'd 
What  he  now  saw  with  what  he'd  heard, 
His  faith  began  to  be  at  strife 
With  the  tale  told  by  Truman's  wife ; 
Nay  other  items  did  conspire 
To  set  the  old  woman  down  a  liar. 
When,  as  he  thus  pursued  his  thought, 
With  grace  and  as  a  lady  ought 
Miss  CROTCHET  enter'd,  brisk  and  gay, 
Apologis'd  for  her  delay, 
With  pleasing  smile  possess'd  a  chair, 
And  welcom'd  Doctor  Syntax  there ; 
Then  did  a  slight  discourse  pursue 
As  other  well-bred  ladies  do  ; 
The  weather  and  the  road  he  came, 
What  news  was  on  the  wings  of  fame, 
And  if  his  neighb'ring  Lakes  had  reason 
To  hope  an  overflowing  season. 
Thus  she  a  sprightly  turn  display'd, 
But  not  a  word  of  Music  said  : 
The  Doctor,  therefore,  thought  that  he 
Must  enter  upon  harmony, 
And  what  he  saw  and  heard  supplied 
A  theme  to  please  the  lady's  pride. 
Please  her  it  did,  for  off  she  ran 
With  the  same  thought — and  thus  began. 

"  You,  Doctor,  as  I  understand, 
Are  fit  to  lead  an  opera  band  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          149 

And,  therefore,  you  may  scarce  incline 

To  add  to  such  a  crash  as  mine : 

But  if  your  powers  will  condescend 

To  treat  me  as  a  common  friend, 

You  shall,  Sir,  in  the  evening  try 

My  little  school  of  harmony. 

It  is  not  oft  'mong  ladies  seen, 

But  I  play  on  the  violin. 

To  touch  the  harp  and  the  piano 

Is  what  each  farmer's  daughter  can  do  ; 

And  therefore  'tis  I  wish  to  move  ] 

With  those  who  by  their  science  prove 

An  honour  to  the  art  I  love. 

Hence  my  fond  mind  is  solely  bent 

To  chuse  this  arduous  instrument. 

I  have  a  foreign  person  here, 

Who  at  our  dinner  will  appear, 

A  widow  of  the  music  tribe, 

Whom  I  with  handsome  sal'ry  bribe 

To  live  with  me  in  friendly  guise, 

As  mistress  of  my  harmonies  : 

She  plays  the  bass,  blows  the  bassoon, 

And  keeps  the  instruments  in  tune  ; 

Teaches  the  parish  boys  to  sing 

Psalms,  anthems,  and  God  save  the  King." 

Thus  as  she  spoke  a  bugle's  blast 
Summon'd  them  to  the  hour's  repast, 
When  she  propos'd  the  famous  glee 
Of  the  NON  NOBIS  DOMINE, 
In  which  the  ladies'  parts  were  sung 
Without  or  time,  or  tune,  or  tongue, 
And  Syntax  felt,  with  all  his  care, 
He  should  not  pass  his  evening  there  ; 
That  they  would  never  keep  in  tune 
Through  the  approaching  afternoon  ; 


150          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  Music,  with  this  mighty  show, 

Was  the  last  thing  they  seem'd  to  know. 

But  still  the  good  things  he  assail'd 

Where  Music's  ev'ry  form  prevail'd, 

That  sing-song  fancy  could  supply 

To  deck  the  skill  of  cookery, 

Or  the  same  whimsy  could  impart 

To  the  confectionary  art : 

Thus  songs  in  sav'ry  wrappers  shone 

On  cutlets  a  la  Malntenon, 

While  Blanc-mange  dotted  o'er  with  notes, 

Made  Music  slip  adown  their  throats ; 

Then  sweets  in  ev'ry  form  display 

The  instrumental  orchestra : 

Thus  fiddles,  flutes  and  harps  unite 

To  harmonise  the  appetite. 


At  length  came  the  appointed  hour 
When,  in  the  garden's  gaudy  bower, 
Where  flowers  and  climbing  plants  o'erlaid 
Combin'd  to  form  a  scented  shade, 
These  vot'ries  of  sweet  sounds  appear 
To  wake  Apollo's  list'ning  ear. 

— Miss  C began  with  furious  force, 

The  Doctor  follow'd  her  of  course, 
While  the  old  dame  with  slower  pace, 
Came  rumbling  after  on  the  bass  : 
But  ere  they  got  to  the  conclusion, 
Th'  harmonious  piece  was  all  confusion. 
If  great  Corelli  from  the  dead 
Could  but  have  rais'd  his  list'ning  head 
And  just  then  heard  his  mangled  strain, 
He  would  have  wish'd  to  die  again. 
Miss  was  too  fast  by  many  a  bar, 
The  old-one  was  behind  as  far, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          151 

While  Syntax  strove  their  faults  to  cover 

By  smoth'ring  one  and  then  the  other. 

"Oho,"  he  whisper'd,  "this  same  trio 

Will  shortly  end  in  my  Addio" 

— He  thought  at  least  he  would  be  civil 

And  try  to  check  the  coming  evil ; 

For  he  saw  in  Miss  Crotchet's  face 

That  rage  was  working  his  disgrace. 

"  If  Music  be  the  food  of  love 

Let  us  another  trio  prove," 

Syntax  exclaim'd  ;  when  she  replied, 

"  I  tell  you  I  am  petrified  ; 

To  me,  you  humstrum,  it  appears, 

That  you  have  neither  eyes  nor  ears ; 

You  could  as  well  bestride  the  moon, 

As  keep  your  time  or  stop  in  tune ; 

And  'twas,  in  an  extreme  degree, 

Impertinence  to  play  with  me." 

— Instead  of  Time  he  thought  he'd  beat, 

With  all  good  manners,  a  retreat ; 

But,  in  retiring  from  the  threat, 

With  which  he  thought  he  was  beset, 

He  overturn'd  the  o'ergrown  fiddle, 

And  set  his  foot  plump  in  the  middle : 

The  crash  produc'd  a  shriek  of  rage, 

Which  nought  he  utter'd  could  assuage, 

When,  to  avoid  the  rout  and  roar, 

He  quickly  pass'd  the  mansion  door, 

And,  driven  by  Discord^  sought  to  fly 

From  this  strange  scene  of  harmony, 

While,  with  vociferating  halloo, 

He  call'd  on  his  man  Pat  to  follow. 

But  Pat  had  half  an  hour's  stay,  \ 

Before  he  told  of  his  delay, 

Which  he  let  loose  in  his  droll  way.     J 


152  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— "  The  lady,  Sir,  'tis  very  sad, 

Is,  I  am  sure,  at  times,  half-mad  ! 

She  rush'd  into  the  servants'  hall 

And  utter'd,  with  an  angry  squall, 

'  Your  master  is  a  brute,  I  say, 

And  I  have  sent  the  fool  away.' 

'  No  man,'  I  said,  '  would  call  him  so, 

But  this  arm's  vengeance  he  should  know, 

Though  as  he's  gone,  why  I  must  go  !  ' 

Orders  she  gave  to  lock  the  door, 

And  pointing  wildly  to  the  floor, 

*  Stand  here,'  she  said,  *  and  sing  a  song, 

Or  you  shall  stop  the  whole  night  long.' 

I  bow'd  and  did  at  once  let  fly 

A  pretty  piece  of  melody, 

Such  as  did  never  yet  miscarry 

To  please  the  lads  of  Tipperary  : 

The  chamber  madams  whisper' d — Hush  ! 

And  knew  not  if  to  laugh  or  blush  ; 

While  the  cook  dame,  call'd  laughing  Nan, 

Beat  time  upon  the  dripping-pan. 

The  butler  turn'd  his  head  away, 

So  how  he  look'd  I  cannot  say ; 

While  stiff  the  little  Negro  stood, 

Show'd  his  white  teeth  and  grinn'd  aloud. 

— At  the  fourth  verse  off  Madam  flew, 

And  here,  Sir,  I'm  return'd  to  you." 

The  Doctor  now  could  not  beguile 
His  feelings  with  his  usual  smile, 
But  lean'd  his  head  against  a  tree, 
And,  spite  of  cleric  dignity, 
Let  his  gay  muscles  off  at  score, 
As  Pat  ne'er  saw  him  do  before : 
But  when  his  spirits  had  regain'd 
The  gen'ral  tenor  they  maintain'd, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          153 

He  bade  Pat  ask  how  far  from  hence 

Was  Lady  Macnighfs  residence  ; 

"  I  know  'tis  somewhere  here  about, 

And  we  must  try  to  find  it  out. 

She's  cousin  to  my  friends  the  Hearties, 

And  sometimes  join'd  their  pleasant  parties. 

Three  years  must  now  have  flown  away, 

When,  if  I  ever  pass'd  this  way, 

I  promis'd  I  would  show  my  face, 

With  her  kind  leave,  at  Comet  Place" 

A  peasant  said  the  road  was  strait, 

And  nine  miles  from  the  turnpike-gate  ; 

But  as  the  moon  began  to  peep 

Above  the  wood  on  yonder  steep, 

It  would  be  soon  as  light  as  day, 

And  they  could  never  lose  their  way. 

"  But  as  'tis  late,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  Our  journey  must  not  be  delay'd  ; 

Though  for  this  fair  Astronomer, 

Night  is  the  time  to  visit  her, 

While  she  may  chase  through  fields  of  air 

The  aberration  of  a  star." 

Punch  felt  the  tickling  of  a  spur, 

And  Pat's  fat  sides  were  in  a  stir : 

Nor  was  it  long  ere,  from  the  road, 

They  hail'd  the  lady's  fair  abode 

That,  plac'd  upon  a  woody  height, 

Display'd  full  many  a  glimm'ring  light, 

Which  from  the  various  windows  shone 

And  check'd  the  lustre  of  the  moon. 


The  Doctor  now  made  known  his  name, 
When  soon  appear'd  the  smiling  dame. 
"  I  scarce,  dear  Sir,  my  joy  can  measure 
At  this  so  unexpected  pleasure  ; 


154          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  'tis  with  singular  delight 

I  see  my  learned  friend  to-night." 

Thus  she  exclaim'd,  when  Syntax  fear'd 

That  some  celestial  sign  appear'd, 

And  stead  of  supper  and  a  bed 

Whereon  to  lay  his  aching  head, 

He  should  be  hurried  to  survey  1 

The  greater  BEAR  or  MILKY  WAY  ;      V 

But  thus  she  did  his  fears  allay : 

"  Whene'er  the  moon  shows  all  her  power 

And  shines  through  each  nocturnal  hour, 

My  distant  neighbours  always  come 

As  her  clear  beams  will  light  them  home, 

And  I  have  now  a  pleasant  party 

Which  only  wants  my  Cousin  Hearty, 

Though  as  you're  come  I'm  quite  content, 

Without  a  word  of  compliment." 

The  Doctor  soon  in  pleasant  mood, 
Amid  the  gay  assembly  stood  : 
Curtsies  and  bows  and  shaking  hands 
With  all  that  etiquette  demands 
Pass'd  on  with  due  becoming  grace, 
Engaging  words  and  smiling  face. 
The  Doctor  talk'd  and  sipp'd  his  tea 
With  pleasing,  mild  hilarity  ; 
Nor  did  he  fail  a  meal  to  make 
On  butter 'd  bread  and  sav'ry  cake. 
This  done,  the  patronising  dame 
Propos'd  some  lively,  gen'ral  game  ; 
And  Syntax  drew  his  ready  chair 
In  the  night's  play  to  take  a  share. 
Pope  Joan  was  nam'd  and  soon  prepar'd  : 
When  each  receiv'd  the  destin'd  card. 
The  comely  fair  by  whom  he  sat, 
A  lady  cheerful  in  her  chat, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          155 

Propos'd  by  way  of  social  whim 

To  share  the  gain  and  loss  with  him. 

Who  could  refuse  a  pleas'd  assent  ? 

And  all  around  there  beam'd  content. 

The  game,  in  gen'ral  way,  went  on, 

And  Syntax  thought  they  rather  won  : 

But  still  the  lady  often  cried, 

"  Doctor,  our  wants  must  be  supplied, 

Fortune,  at  present,  is  unkind, 

And  we,  dear  Sir,  must  raise  the  wind." 

He  thought,  indeed,  he  rais'd  enough, 

While  she  ne'er  gave  a  single  puff, 

But  of  the  cash  maintain'd  control 

And  in  her  lap  conceal'd  the  whole. 

At  length  when  this  gay  game  was  o'er, 

She  said,  "Alas,  we're  wond'rous  poor, 

And  to  propose  to  make  division 

Of  what  is  here  would  be  derision." 

Then  from  her  lap,  which  seem'd  half  full, 

She  almost  fill'd  her  reticule, 

And  left  the  Sage,  with  silent  lips, 

To  comment  on  copartnerships  ; — 

While  she  stalk'd  off  with  waving  plume 

To  wander  through  some  distant  room. 

— The  supper  came  and  pass'd  away, 

With  many  a  song  and  frolic  gay ; 

And  when  the  household  clock  struck  one, 

The  country  neighbours  all  were  gone. 

— But  ere  the  chamber  lights  were  brought, 

The  scientific  dame  besought 

The  Doctor's  patience  to  bestow 

His  ear  for  half  an  hour  or  so, 

While  she  inform'd  him  by  the  way 

Of  the  great  object  of  the  day. 

"For  you  must  know,"  she  said,  "  at  noon, 

O'er  the  sun's  disk  the  errant  moon 


156          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Will  pass,  as  that  orb  has  not  done 

For  many  a  year  long  fled  and  gone ; 

And,  in  this  state  of  her  career, 

How  I  rejoice  to  see  you  here, 

As  you  will  aid  my  measuring  eye 

By  your  more  learn'd  Geometry. 

That  done,  we  then  may  pass  the  day 

In  tracing  out  some  starry  way ; 

And  if  it  proves  a  radiant  night 

You'll  set  my  computations  right ; 

When,  to  conclude,  I  will  make  known 

A  system  new  and  quite  my  own." 

— The  Doctor's  chin  now  touch'd  his  breast ; 

She  bow'd — and  they  both  went  to  rest. 

The  morrow  in  due  progress  came, 
When  Syntax  by  th'  impatient  dame 
Was  led,  not  to  the  upper  story 
Which  form'd  her  fix'd  observatory, 
Where  many  an  instrument  appears, 
As  quadrants,  telescopes  and  spheres, 
To  aid  the  scrutinising  eye 
In  its  vast  commerce  with  the  sky  : 
But  did  in  a  balcony  place 
The  glass,  where  she  as  well  could  trace 
The  lunar  passage  o'er  the  sun 
As  could  from  greater  height  be  done. 
— At  length  arriv'd  the  pregnant  noon, 
When  o'er  the  sun  the  darken'd  moon 
Mov'd  on  the  grand  eclipse  and  show'd 
What  man  to  daring  science  ow'd. 
But  though  the  mind  may  strive  to  trace 
The  orbs  that  float  in  boundless  space, 
Though  it  may  pass  through  realms  of  air, 
Converse  with  planets  rolling  there 
And,  by  its  name  call  ev'ry  star ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          157 

The  body  ne'er  will  be  content 

Without  its  native  nourishment ; 

And  hunger  will  suggest  the  sign 

Of  when  to  breakfast,  sup  or  dine, 

Or  when  the  luncheon  should  reveal 

Its  interlocutory  meal. 

That  meal,  by  frequent  signals  sought, 

Pat  now  in  eager  hurry  brought : 

But  whether  'twas  the  slipp'ry  floor, 

Or  running  dog,  or  banging  door, 

It  may  not  be  required  to  tell ; 

Certain  it  is  the  valet  fell, 

Swore  a  loud  oath,  when  plate  and  platter 

And  spoons  and  sauce-boats  made  a  clatter ; 

While  yelping  curs,  or  kick'd  or  wounded, 

Were  in  the  gen'ral  din  confounded ; 

A  noise  which  both  the  gazers  drew 

From  their  celestial  interview. 

They  saw,  by  Patrick's  luckless  trips, 

The  luncheon  in  complete  eclipse, 

As  his  huge  form  was  rolling  over 

Each  dainty  dish  and  smoking  cover, 

While  down  his  skirts  there  seem'd  to  stray 

Fresh  streamlets  of  the  milky  way. 

"  — The  scene  around,  above,  below," 

The  Doctor  said,  "  our  problems  show, 

Whether  it  is  attractive  power, 

Or  the  repellent  rules  the  hour : 

Patrick  we  see  could  not  resist, 

Or  with  his  feet  or  with  his  fist: 

His  feet  gave  way,  the  balance  lost, 

His  paunch  to  right  and  left  is  tost ; 

The  fingers  driven  from  the  thumb 

Make  the  tureen  a  vacuum  : 

And  there  we  see  the  varlet  lie, 

A  proof  of  Centra/  Gravity." 


158          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Madam  replied,  "  O  never  mind, 

A  fresh  supply  we  soon  shall  find, 

And,  as  when  Falstaff  cried  peccavi, 

We'll  change  the  gravity  for  gravy.1 

Nature  hates  vacuums,  as  you  know, 

We  therefore  will  descend  below, 

And  fill,  with  dainties  nice  and  light 

The  vacuum  in  your  appetite." 

— All  this  was  done,  as  it  might  be, 

On  axioms  of  Philosophy  ; 

When  the  grave  lady  thus  requested : — 

"  As  other  matters  are  digested, 

And  we  have  now  an  hour  to  spare, 

Let  us  each  take  our  reas'ning  chair, 

Then  talk  of  what  we've  seen  and  know     ] 

Of  things  above  and  things  below, 

And  do  you  first  your  system  show ; 

When  you  have  done,  my  learn'd  divine, 

Then  I  will  venture  upon  mine." 

SYNTAX. 

"  When  from  the  earth  we  lift  our  eye 
To  the  vast  concave  of  the  sky, 
We  view  it  like  a  curtain  spread 
That  shows  the  welcome  morning  red  ; 
The  noon  with  golden  splendor  bright, 
And  the  dark  veil  that  clothes  the  night : 
Thus  both  the  light  and  shade  are  given, 
With  all  the  varying  scenes  of  Heaven. 
But  when  we  lose  the  sun's  bright  ray, 
The  gloomy  night  succeeds  to  day : 
Again  his  flaming  lustre  burns, 
And  then  the  cheerful  day  returns  : 

1  Shakespeare,  Henry  the  Fourth,  Second  Part,  Act  I. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          159 

Still  we  behold,  as  they  appear, 

The  varying  pictures  of  the  year. 

The  morn  may  yield  its  splendid  reign 

To  cloudy  mists  and  pouring  rain  : 

And  oft  the  noon  is  overcast, 

'Mid  the  black  storm  and  lightning's  blast; 

While  pitchy  clouds  obscure  the  night, 

And  quench  the  bright  stars'  glimm'ring  light. 

Then,  to  our  eyes,  the  giant  sun 

His  annual  circuit  seems  to  run 

In  one  grand  course,  and  his  career 

Assigns  the  day  and  forms  the  year ; 

But  when  his  setting  orb  retires, 

Or  earth  no  more  perceives  his  fires, 

The  moon  presents  her  silver  ray, 

And  kindly  sheds  a  fainter  day : 

Yet  still  she  keeps  her  monthly  race 

With  various  beams  and  changeful  face. 

— Each  planet  in  its  proper  sphere 

Does  round  its  distant  orbit  steer  ; 

While,  with  peculiar  lustre  crown'd, 

They  course  a  fix'd  eternal  round, 

And,  in  th'  immeasurable  space, 

They  know  no  change  of  time  or  place  ; 

But  in  their  rise  and  their  decline, 

All  with  a  foreign  radiance  shine. 

Their  brilliant  beams  are  not  their  own, 

But  borrow'd  of  the  parent  sun, 

From  whom  all  nature  doth  inherit 

That  active  and  creating  spirit 

Which  gives  to  life  each  aim  and  end, 

Where'er  his  genial  rays  extend. 

— Again  we  see  the  thousand  stars, 

Not  rang'd  in  circles  or  in  squares, 

But  proving  with  their  various  light 

The  Hand  that  made  them  Infinite. — 


160          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

If  such  the  harmony  that  reigns, 

If  thus  the  Almighty  power  ordains, 

May  not  these  orbs,  which  your  faint  eye 

Sees  fix'd  in  one  eternal  sky, 

To  which,  as  it  may  seem,  is  given 

To  shine  in  a  remoter  heaven, 

Each  as  a  sun  its  splendor  give, 

And  other  worlds  the  rays  receive  ? 

Around  the  zones  of  other  skies, 

Their  moons  may  shine,  may  set  and  rise 

To  other  globes  which  raise  their  pole, 

Whose  lands  spread  wide,  whose  oceans  roll, 

Whose  mountains  lift  their  lofty  head, 

And  shape  the  valley's  deepen'd  bed, 

With  climates  that  may  smile  or  frown, 

To  changes  subject  like  our  own  ; 

Nay,  in  the  space  of  air  and  sky, 

Suns,  moons  and  stars  and  earths  may  lie      V 

Invisible  to  human  eye, 

E'en  with  the  powers  which  have  been  given 

To  penetrate  the  paths  of  Heaven. 

— The  comet,  whose  resistless  force 

Asks  cent'ries  to  complete  its  course, 

I  shall  not  follow  as  it  flies, 

Nor  trace  its  eccentricities  ; 

Nor  speak  of  sun-beams  which  are  fraught 

With  swiftness  that  out-travels  thought, 

But  lost  in  wonder  close  my  view, 

And  listen  silently  to  you." 

— He  ceas'd,  and  now  with  conscious  pride, 

The  scientific  dame  replied  : 


"  You  have  with  truth  your  system  told, 
But  may  I,  Doctor,  be  so  bold 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          161 

To  say,  that  you  have  said  no  more 

Than  many  a  one  has  done  before  ; 

Though  not  with  such  perspicuous  sense, 

Or  the  same  pleasing  eloquence. 

— Yes,  on  my  loaded  shelves  you  see 

Each  volume  on  astronomy, 

That  has  encreas'd  the  author's  fame 

With  added  honour  to  his  name  : 

I  have  all  instruments  at  hand 

That  this  vast  science  may  demand, 

Which  do  their  wond'rous  aid  supply 

To  make  acquaintance  with  the  sky  ; 

But  I  new  systems  shall  explore ; 

I  wish  to  know  a  little  more. — 

— Perhaps,  you'll  say,  'tis  whim  or  fun, 

And  that  a  woman's  tongue  must  run ; 

Or  that  conceit  or  silly  pride 

Do  my  weak,  friv'lous  fancies  guide  ; 

Or  that  by  something  like  defiance 

To  the  establish'd  rules  of  science, 

To  be  held  forth  I  thus  may  strive, 

As  the  most  learned  dame  alive  ; 

If  such  your  thoughts,  I  hope  you'll  find 

Some  reason  soon  to  change  your  mind, 

Or  that  disdainful  of  the  fame 

Which  those  Blue-stocking  fair-ones  claim, 

Who  confine  their  pretty  fancies, 

To  poems,  novels  and  romances, 

Who  take  no  flight,  but  are  content 

To  steep  their  minds  in  sentiment : 

I  wish  to  soar  a  little  higher 

Than  their  fine,  fangled  thoughts  aspire  : 

If  this  be  your  sagacious  guess, 

You  prophesy  with  some  success. 

I  only  ask  you  to  attend 

With  the  calm  candour  of  a  friend, 

VOL.  III. — II 


1 62           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

At  least,  if  you  an  error  see,  1 

You  will  not  pass  a  harsh  decree,      !- 
But  treat  it  with  humanity." 

The  Doctor,  not  by  intuition, 
But  by  a  feeling  call'd  suspicion, 
Was  on  her  subject  led  to  fear 
That  the  new  doctrine  he  should  hear 
Might  require  a  cautious  sense, 
To  give  his  thoughts  without  offence. 
Oft  with  Blue-stockings  upon  earth 
Reason  he  found  a  source  of  mirth  ; 
And  e'en  when  Fancy  play'd  her  tricks 
He  could  a  pleas'd  attention  fix : 
But  when  Blue-stockings  please  to  soar, 
Where  none  had  ever  been  before, 
He  rather  trembled  at  the  height 
Which  mark'd  this  lady's  promis'd  flight. 
When  such  a  one  her  notions  shrouds 
In  regions  far  above  the  clouds, 
While  she  does  her  pure  aether  quaff, 
He  might  not  check  a  sudden  laugh, 
Which  certainly  would  not  agree 
With  the  most  calm  philosophy ; 
And  thus  whate'er  she  might  discover, 
He  wish'd  the  dang'rous  trial  over. 
Hence  did  he  frame  each  future  thought 
To  be  with  proper  answers  fraught, 
And  thus  he  hop'd  he  was  prepar'd, 
When  ask'd,  to  offer  his  award. 
— Such  was  his  aim,  and  then  he  heard 
The  wonders  which  she  now  preferr'd. 

LADY  MACNIGHT. 

"  You  have  explain'd  in  language  clear 
Each  planet's  course  as  they  appear, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          163 

As  they  appointed  are  to  run 

In  their  own  orbits  round  the  sun  ; 

You  travell'd  in  your  airy  car 

To  visit  ev'ry  ruling  star, 

And  did  not,  for  a  moment,  err 

In  marking  their  true  character, 

Nor  in  assigning  each  its  place 

In  the  immensity  ot  space  : 

But  here  you  stop,  and  nothing  know 

Beyond  the  glasses'  RAREE-SHOW. 

Men,  whose  renown'd  and  learned  name 

Irradiates  the  fields  of  fame, 

With  all  their  genius  to  explore, 

Have  indeed  told  us  something  more. 

When  Nature's  laws  lay  hid  in  night, 

NEWTON  unveil'd  new  rays  of  light, 

And  gave  the  wond'ring  world  to  see, 

By  his  sublime  Geometry, 

Those  hidden  powers  which  he  has  shown 

To  act  in  Nature's  unison  : 

But  of  those  orbs  which  deck  the  sky,      1 

Tho'  view'd  by  his  pervading  eye, 

He  gave  no  local  history. 

Nor  did  he  e'er  pretend  to  tell 

What  BEINGS  might  within  them  dwell, 

Their  forms,  their  natures  and  their  speech, 

To  what  perfection  they  might  reach, 

And  how  their  systematic  powers 

Differ  from  this  same  world  of  ours  : 

What  are  their  plants  and  flowers  and  trees, 

If  they  have  running  streams  and  seas, 

And  whether  fleeting  time  appears 

Like  ours  divided  into  years, 

And  if  their  years  by  lunar  powers 

Are  form'd  of  months  and  day  and  hours  : 


164          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Whether  their  life  concludes  by  death, 

Or  if  men  die  for  want  of  breath  : 

And  if  to  their  fond  hope  is  given 

Another  world,  a  future  Heaven. 

What  do  I  gain,  when  I  but  see 

These  planets'  eccentricity, 

Unless  my  reason  could  pervade 

For  what  wise  purpose  they  were  made  ? 

— You'll  laugh  no  doubt,  and  say  I  dream, 

If  I  should  now  unfold  my  scheme, 

And  think,  perhaps,  that  I  may  vie 

With  Bedlam  in  its  lunacy. 

But  I,  dear  Sir,  am  not  so  bent 

Upon  my  mind's  experiment, 

As  to  look  grave  if  my  excursion 

Should  minister  to  your  diversion  ; 

Nor  does  the  thought  make  me  uneasy 

That  some  have  fancied  I  was  crazy. 

— While  my  poor  dear  Sir  John  was  living, 

Whose  soul,  I  trust,  is  now  in  Heaven, 

Some  booby,  in  a  long  hiatus, 

Urg'd  him  to  burn  my  Apparatus  : 

When  he  said,  'No! — While  she  maintains 

Each  due  decorum,  while  she  gains 

Their  warm  regard  to  whom  she's  known, 

And  who  her  smiling  friendship  own ; 

While  I  her  fond  affection  share 

And  feel  her  faithful,  tender  care  ; 

While  she  to  household  rule  attends, 

And  makes  home  pleasant  to  my  friends, 

What  care  I,  as  at  early  morn, 

I  urge  the  chase,  with  hound  and  horn, 

Or  cheer  at  night  each  jovial  soul 

With  the  full  glass  and  flowing  bowl, 

If  she  employs  her  eager  eye 

To  trace  the  wonders  of  the  sky ! 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          165 

Yes  wives  there  are,  and  not  a  few, 

Who  a  more  idle  course  pursue, 

Nor  is  there  one  of  those  who  shine  1 

The  votaries  of  fashion's  shrine 

Whom  I  would  e'er  exchange  for  mine.'     J 

— Thus  did  my  dear  lamented  Knight 

Set  the  intruding  fellow  right : 

And  much  I  hope,  good  Sir,  that  you 

May  think  my  husband's  praises  true ; 

And  they,  I  trust,  who  know  me  well 

Will  the  same  friendly  story  tell." 

SYNTAX. 

"  They  who  have  gravely  trod  the  round 
Of  gen'ral  science  must  have  found 
That  trifles,  nay,  that  whims  have  led, 
When  floating  in  a  thinking  head, 
To  quicken  genius  as  it  tries 
The  course  of  new  discoveries  : 
E'en  accident  has  made  a  stir 
In  brains  of  the  philosopher. 
A  codling  falling  from  a  tree 
Might  fix  the  point  of  gravity  : 
Or  house-maid's  twirling  of  a  mop 
Might  into  NEWTON'S  cranium  pop 
The  principle,  by  which  was  found 
Whether  the  poles  are  flat  or  round. 
And  why,  my  Lady,  may  not  you  1 

Strike  from  your  study  something  new,       > 
And,  what's  still  better,  useful  too  ?  " 

LADY  MACNIGHT. 

"  With  that  benignant  lib'ral  spirit, 
Which  I  well  know  that  you  inherit, 
I'm  sure  your  justice  will  not  swerve 
From  any  praise  I  may  deserve : 


1 66          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Nor  will  you  with  harsh  rigour  blame 

If  I  attempt  too  high  an  aim, 

And  strive  those  regions  to  explore       1 

As  none  have  ever  done  before, 

But  call  me  back  to  reason's  lore ;        J 

And,  if  strange  wanderings  appear, 

Restore  me  to  my  proper  sphere. 

"  Now,  in  due  order,  to  proceed, 
Philosophers  have  all  agreed, 
That  to  each  planet,  in  its  sphere, 
Our  earth  rolls  on  in  prospect  clear, 
And,  in  great  Nature's  solar  scheme, 
They're  seen  by  us,  as  we  by  them. 
Nay  from  analogy  'tis  thought, 
Though  not  by  iix'd  experience  taught, 
That  these  are  worlds  and  though  unknown 
May  bear  a  likeness  to  our  own, 
Peopled  with  beings  who  fulfil, 
Like  us,  the  Almighty  Maker's  will, 
To  answer,  in  their  destin'd  station, 
The  wise  design  of  their  creation. 
And  now  you'll  hear  my  cunning  guess 
At  what  these  several  orbs  possess, 
With  every  animated  feature 
Of  what  I  call  their  reas'ning  nature, 
As  the  prime  power  that  may  controul 
The  active  impulse  of  the  whole. 
—Whether  I  reason  from  its  name, 
Or  angry  redness  of  its  frame, 
It  matters  not  how  they  refer 
To  stamp  its  native  character  ; 
I  still  shall  dare  suppose  that  MARS 
Is  the  continual  seat  of  wars  ; 
Not  of  arm'd  military  bands, 
Whom  the  fierce,  bloody  sword  commands. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          167 

But,  from  the  beggar  to  the  king, 

Contest  must  be  for  ev'ry  thing  ; 

Nay  for  a  fortune  or  a  rattle 

That  there  must  be  a  constant  battle  ; 

That  hourly,  individual  strife 

Is  the  grand  principle  of  life. 

No  helm  or  breast-plate  do  they  wear, 

Nor  do  they  sword  or  jav'lin  bear, 

But  all  their  policy  consists 

In  a  concomitance  of  fists  ; 

In  the  sharp,  nimble  fingers'  raps, 

Or  the  broad  palm's  redundant  slaps. 

— They  cannot  get  a  steak  to  eat 

Unless  they  battle  for  the  meat ; 

Nor  can  their  statesmen  get  a  place 

'Till  they  have  fought  it  face  to  face. 

But  then  I'd  have  it  understood 

They  never  cause  discharge  of  blood  : 

Whatever  blows  the  parties  give 

Whatever  bruises  they  receive, 

A  lasting  pain  they  cannot  feel, 

And  all  without  a  plaister  heal. 

As  bound  by  nature  to  oppose, 

Friendship's  an  interchange  of  blows. 

Fond  lovers  in  their  am'rous  greeting  ] 

Know  not  of  kissing  or  entreating, 

'Tis  done  by  scratching  and  by  beating  ;      J 

And  love  cannot  be  better  shown 

Than  by  a  rude  squeeze  and  a  frown. 

— Children  and  youth  I  shall  suppose 

Have  not  the  privilege  of  blows, 

Nor  gain  permission  to  engage 

'Till  they  can  prove  they  are  of  age. 

— Of  virtue  contest  is  the  source, 

And  moral  rectitude  is  force ; 


1 68          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

While  he  who  does  the  most  contest 
Is  of  the  sons  of  MARS  the  best. 
—Thus  he,  I'm  ready  to  suppose, 
Who  ne'er  receives  nor  offers  blows, 
Is  an  offender  'gainst  the  laws, 
And  subject  to  the  hangman's  paws, 
Or  sentenc'd  to  some  dismal  place 
'Mong  criminals  who  keep  the  peace; 
And  as  we  do  our  convicts  see 
Depriv'd  of  cheerful  liberty, 
They're  chain'd  in  some  dark  cell  below, 
'Reft  of  the  joy  to  strike  a  blow. — 
— So  far,  so  good — their  power  of  speech 
At  present  is  beyond  my  reach  : 
Morals  and  manners  form  the  whole 
That's  subject  to  my  mind's  controul, 
And  farther,  Doctor,  I  confess, 
It  is  not  in  my  power  to  guess : 
What  my  search  may  hereafter  do, 
As  I  my  vent'rous  course  pursue, 
I  cannot  say  ; — but  what  say  you  ?  " 

SYNTAX. 

"Nay  Madam,  you  have  gone  as  far, 
Riding  a  cock-horse  on  a  star, 
Nay  farther  than  has  yet  been  known 
By  any  Genius  but  your  own : 
— Indeed,  I  must  admire  your  fancy, 
In  this  star-gazing  necromancy  ; 
For  you  have  nat'ralis'd  your  sphere, 
As  I  could  ne'er  expect  to  hear. — 
Though  with  the  plan  I  can't  agree, 
I  thank  you  for  its  drollery ; 
And  though  I  cannot  well  allow 
The  principle  which  you  avow, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          169 

Your  story,  Shakespeare  gives  the  hint, 
Though  strange,  has  much  of  matter  in't." 


LADY  MACNIGHT. 

"  A  few  words  more  and  I  have  done 
With  these  attendants  on  the  sun. 
— In  the  bright  orb  that's  known  to  claim 
VENUS  as  its  establish'd  name, 
I  shall  pursue  my  arduous  way 
In  the  conjectures  of  the  day, 
That  BEAUTY  is  the  height  sublime 
Of  Virtue  in  that  genial  clime, 
Whose  light  and  heat,  within  its  zone, 
Bears  no  resemblance  to  our  own  ; 
And  the  grand  crime  they  there  confess, 
Is  what  we  here  term  UgKness. 
The  good  and  ill  which  there  prevail 
Is  measur'd  by  a  settled  scale 
Among  its  people,  as  each  feature 
Is  favour'd  or  deform'd  by  nature ; 
And  all  the  value  of  their  duty 
Is  form'd  by  more  or  less  of  beauty  ; 
And  thus  it  is  that  I  pervade 
Its  moral  light,  its  moral  shade. 
— The  flowing  hair,  the  well-turn'd  brow, 
The  fine  form'd  arches  just  below, 
A  skin  that  vies  with  driven  snow : 
The  bright,  the  soft  and  sleepy  eye, 
The  two-fold  rows  of  ivory  ; 
The  pouting,  ruby-colour'd  lips, 
Where  sweetness  its  own  nectar  sips ; 
The  checks  with  rosy  blush  o'erspread, 
And  dimples  sinking  in  the  red  ; 
The  neck  that  doth  the  bosom  join 
By  a  scarce  seen  but  graceful  line, 


170  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

While  the  firm  semi-orbs  below 

Heave  with  a  gentle  to  and  fro  ; 

And  arms  whose  less'ning  round  extends 

To  the  fine,  taper  fingers'  ends  : — 

— Such  is  the  form,  and  such  the  grace, 

That's  virtue  in  the  female  race  ; 

While  man's  proportions  are  the  same, 

But  suited  to  a  stronger  frame. 

Each  virtue  is,  and  more  or  less 

They  virtuous  are,  who  most  possess  ; 

While  the  vicious  nature  lies 

Proportion'd  by  its  contraries. 

Therefore  it  is  that  I  suppose 

The  squinting  eye,  the  wide-spread  nose, 

The  yawning  mouth,  that  may  appear 

Stretching  athwart  from  ear  to  ear  ; 

The  rising  back,  a  sad  mischance, 

And  stomach's  rude  protuberance, 

Are  crimes  which,  by  their  law's  intent, 

Receive  proportion'd  punishment  ; 

While  ugliness  in  ev'ry  sense, 

Must  be  a  capital  offence  ; 

And  they  will  be  comdemn'd  to  die, 

Whose  crime's  complete  deformity. 

So  much,  dear  Doctor,  for  my  Venus, 

And  what  as  yet  has  pass'd  between  us." 

— She  paus'd — but  when  she  'gan  to  tell 

Of  Mercury,  the  dinner-bell 

Brought  her  fine  fancies  to  a  close  ; 

And  as  the  Rev'rend  Doctor  rose 

He  said,  "  I  here  beg  leave  to  mention 

How  much  I'm  pleas'd  with  your  invention, 

But  still  I  think  it  might  be  right 

To  calm  its  course  and  check  its  flight, 

Nor  let  it  wander  out  of  season, 

But  yield  it  to  the  rule  of  reason  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          171 

And  instead  of  its  commanding, 

Let  it  obey,  your  understanding  : 

Consult  your  own  superior  sense, 

And  gratify  your  pride  from  thence  : 

For  all  is  known  we  ought  to  know 

Of  things  above,  or  things  below, 

'Till  other  Boyles  and  Newtons  rise 

T"  unveil  dark  Nature's  mysteries. 

I  do  not  strictly  mean  to  say 

You  throw  your  studious  hours  away, 

Or  that  your  star- work  is  misspent, 

For  still  the  pastime's  innocent ; 

But  yet  I  think  that  a  la  /ettre, 

You  might  employ  those  hours  better  : 

Nor  do  I  wish  to  read  a  lecture 

Upon  the  errors  of  conjecture, 

Which  may  refinement's  thoughts  expose 

To  smiling  friends  and  scoffing  foes ; 

I  only  ask  you  to  receive 

The  friendly  counsel  that  I  give : 

If  to  the  Planets  you  must  soar, 

Be  silent,  wonder  and  adore. 

Though  they're  in  diff'rent  stations  plac'd 

In  the  immeasurable  waste, 

Though  their  ends  may  not  be  the  same, 

Each  is  to  answer  one  great  aim, 

And  with  some  local  means  endued, 

To  aid  the  universal  good, 

Will'd  by  the  Power  whose  plastic  hand 

Doth  all  immensity  command, 

And  whose  vast,  universal  sway 

Creation's  countless  worlds  obey." 


He  spoke,  and  in  due  order  pass'd, 
To  things  more  suited  to  his  taste. 


172  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Indeed,  he  was  well  pleas'd  to  see 

A  change  in  the  philosophy  ; 

And  with  his  knife  and  fork  to  reason 

On  ev'ry  dainty  dish  in  season, 

And  make  his  choice  'tween  wrong  and  right, 

As  guided  by  his  appetite. 

At  length  the  plenteous  dinner  o'er, 

As  he  did  in  his  goblet  pour 

The  sparkling  wine,  he  begg'd  to  give 

A  toast  she  surely  would  receive. 

"  Here's  to  the  health  of  friends  above, 

I  care  not  in  what  star  they  move, 

Or  whatso'er  their  modes  may  be ; — 

May  they  have  d'tn'd  af  'well  as  <we  !  " — 

— The  afternoon  they  stroll'd  away, 

In  various  chit-chat,  grave  and  gay, 

And  time  brought  on  the  close  of  day  ;     J 

When  Syntax  begg'd  she  would  make  known 

"  Any  commands  she  had  in  town, 

As  early  on  the  following  day, 

Thither  he  must  direct  his  way." 

"  O,"  she  replied,  "  I  will  commend 

Your  Rev'rence  to  my  charming  friend 

Dear  Mrs.  BRISKIT,  whom  I've  known 

Since  I  was  taught  to  walk  alone. 

In  her  I  know  that  you  will  find 

Good  manners  and  a  fashion'd  mind  : 

But  if  she  has  a  fault,  Heav'n  bless  her, 

'Tis  the  high  spirits  which  possess  her : 

She'll  laugh  with  you  in  endless  glee 

At  my  high  flown  Astronomy  ! 

Though,  as  her  husband's  lately  sent 

On  business  to  the  Continent, 

She  sees  'till  his  return  but  few : 

Yet  this  I  know,  with  honour  due, 

Her  door  will  open  be  to  you. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          173 

— And  now  I  think  on't  there's  another 

To  whom  without  or  form  or  pother 

I  must,  dear  Doctor,  introduce  you : 

O  how  that  dear  girl  will  amuse  you  ! 

My  sweet  Miss  PALLET,  she  is  one, 

To  whom,  my  friend,  you  must  be  known, 

A  female  Artist,  whose  fair  name 

Is  rising  rapidly  to  fame, 

And  all  the  paintings  round  the  room 

Did  from  her  earliest  pencil  come  : 

Her  works  you  will  with  pleasure  view, 

Nay,  you  can  give  instruction  too. 

My  fond  hopes  wait  on  her  success, 

As  I  was  her  first  patroness  ; 

And  she  my  friendship  will  commend, 

When  I  present  her  such  a  friend." 

While  she  these  kindly  passports  wrote, 
He  did  the  passing  time  devote 
To  a  small  volume,  whose  rich  page 
Would  his  delighted  mind  engage, 
And  when  her  scribbling  work  was  done, 
He  thus  his  farewell  thoughts  made  known  : 
"  — As  your  pen  mov'd,  by  chance  I  took 
From  off  your  shelves  a  fa v' rite  book, 
Of  solemn  bards  the  boasted  pride, 
You  know  him  well,  'tis  AKENSIDE — 
And  in  his  high-wrought  work  you'll  see     ~| 
Fancy  rob'd  in  Philosophy, 
What  that  pow'r  is  and  ought  to  be  ; 
And  in  its  page  the  Muses  show 
What  Fancy  does  to  Reason  owe : 
Nay,  there  a  lesson  may  be  known 
How  you,  fair  dame,  may  guide  your  own. 
— And  as  my  grateful  thanks  I  tell, 
And  while  I  humbly  say,  farewell, 


174  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Your  gracious  kindness  may  receive 

The  faithful  counsel  which  T  give. — 

Like  poor  Sir  John's  advising  friend, 

I  would  not  dare  to  recommend 

That  you  should  venture  to  destroy 

The  apparatus  you  employ, 

But  lock  the  door  of  that  high  story, 

Which  forms  your  learn'd  Observatory  ; 

Against  the  stars  at  once  rebel, 

And  throw  the  KEY  Into  a  WELL." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          175 


CANTO  XXXVII 

O  YNTAX,  in  deep,  and  pensive  mood, 

Tow'rds  London  now  his  way  pursued 
The  eastern  sky  involv'd  in  cloud 
Did  from  his  eye  the  sun-beams  shroud, 
And  not  one  active  darting  ray 
Gave  spirit  to  the  early  day : 
While  the  mist,  hanging  o'er  the  brow 
Of  woody  upland,  sunk  below 
Amid  the  smoke,  rais'd  on  the  gale, 
From  hamlet  cottage  in  the  vale. — 
No  lark  was  heard,  ascending  high, 
To  give  his  carol  to  the  sky ; 
Nor  did  the  blackbird  or  the  thrush 
Make  vocal  the  green,  dewy  bush  : 
The  rooks,  departing  from  the  wood, 
On  the  high  branches  cawing  stood, 
Whose  noisy  notes  alone  were  heard, 
With  raven's  croak,  ill-omen'd  bird, 
And  gloomy  nature's  self  gave  warning 
Of  a  dull,  uninspiring  morning, 
At  least,  of  thoughts  alive  and  gay, 
Which  sometimes  flow  from  radiant  day. 
What  was  the  cause  doth  not  appear  ; 
Whether  oppressive  atmosphere, 
Or  that  the  pillow  had  not  blest 
The  Doctor  with  his  usual  rest ; 


176  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Or  whether  it  was  fancy's  whim,  ] 

(Which  seldom  rul'd  or  troubled  him,) 
He  was  not  in  his  usual  trim  ; 
So  that  he,  as  he  ponder'd  o'er 
The  dark  side  of  his  nuptial  Tour, 
Had  half  a  mind  to  turn  again 
To  the  green  shades  of  Sommerden, 
And  be  contented  with  the  good 
Which  he  might  find  in  widowhood. 
"  Since  I  left  home,"  he  mutt'ring  said, 
"  What  to  my  wish  has  been  display' d  ? 
The  high-flown  fair  whom  I  have  sought 
Did  not  awake  one  tender  thought : 
Such  sense  mix'd  up  with  so  much  folly 
At  times  would  make  me  melancholy  : — 
They  might,  perchance,  an  hour,  a  day, 
Contrive  to  pass  in  smiles  away, 
But  Fortune  I  should  ne'er  forgive, 
If  I  with  such  were  doom'd  to  live. 
— It  is  not  that  a  woman's  mind 
May  not  be  of  superior  kind, 
Or  that  its  powers  may  not  be  fraught 
With  views  enlarg'd  and  depth  of  thought, 
Or  that  a  lady's  studious  hours 
May  not  have  treasur'd  learning's  stores  : 
I  know  that  many  have  been  known, 
Who  in  the  realms  of  science  shone, 
Whose  learning,  judgment,  critic  taste, 
Have  seldom  been  by  men  surpass'd, 
And  yet  who  never  soar'd  above 
The  line  where  duty  bade  them  move, 
And  were  not  seen  to  give  offence 
To  that  prime  virtue,  COMMON-SENSE. 
But  these  are  form'd  for  higher  life 
And  not  to  be  a  parson's  wife, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          177 

Unless  by  fortune  he  had  been 

A  bishop,  or  at  least  a  dean, 

Whose  dames,  thus  living  at  their  ease, 

May  chuse  what  pastime  they  shall  please." 

The  clouds  now  broke  and  many  a  ray 
Of  sunshine  darted  on  the  day  ; 
When,  as  inspiring  Phoebus  shone, 
The  Doctor  chang'd  his  grumbling  tone, 
While  a  good  breakfast  had  the  merit 
To  quicken  his  dejected  spirit ; 
And  now  his  homeward  way  to  trace 
He  thought  would  be  downright  disgrace  ; 
That  perseverance  was  a  feature 
Which  aggrandis'd  our  common  nature : 
And  no  great  act  he  could  relate, 
Of  ancient  or  of  modern  date, 
But  to  that  virtue  did  refer 
Its  energetic  character. 
Thus,  without  further  doubt  or  fear, 
He  was  resolv'd  to  persevere. — 
Nay,  as  his  spirits  'gan  to  rise, 
He  ventur'd  to  soliloquise, 
And  did  his  waken'd  hopes  express, 
Of  what  he  thought  he  might  possess. 

"  LONDON  is  the  general  mart, 
The  warehouse  vast  that  does  impart 
Whate'er  the  life  of  man  requires, 
To  minister  to  its  desires : 
But  mine's  a  search  of  tender  feeling  ; — 
Those  articles  I  cannot  deal  in 
Which  demand  a  golden  treasure 
To  furnish  out  luxurious  pleasure, 
To  gratify  each  active  sense, 
Or  love  of  proud  magnificence  ; 

VOL.  III.  — 12 


178          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

These  come  not  in  my  humble  view, 

They  are  not  what  my  thoughts  pursue  : 

I've  but  a  faithful  heart  to  offer, 

And  a  warm  parson's  home  to  proffer, 

Where  a  fond  pair  may  love  and  live, 

Though  this  is  all  I  have  to  give, 

Yet  I  shall  think  it  rather  hard 

If,  as  my  errant  toil's  reward, 

I  cannot  find  a  Ma'am  or  Miss 

Somewhere  in  this  metropolis, 

Who  may  indulge  a  secret  wish 

To  dip  her  sop  in  Hymen's  dish  ; 

Who'd  like  to  leave  its  noisy  riot, 

To  live  with  me  in  rural  quiet. 

But  after  all  if  I  should  fail, 

And  all  my  hostile  stars  prevail, 

I  will  not  my  false  hopes  lament, 

But  teach  my  mind  to  be  content, 

Contrive  to  cheer  my  widow'd  life 

Without  the  blessing  of  a  wife, 

And  while  I  live,  I  ne'er  again 

Will  leave  the  woods  of  Sommerden." 

— Such  were  the  thoughts,  from  day  to  day, 

Which  beguil'd  his  untroubled  way, 

'Till  rising  'bove  the  cloud  of  smoke 

St.  Paul's  Dome  on  the  prospect  broke  ; 

And,  pacing  on,  he  enter'd  town 

By  the  north  side  of  Mary-bonne. 

A  proper  inn  he  sought  of  course, 

Where  there  was  food  for  man  and  horse, 

'Till  he  could  find  a  decent  station 

In  point  of  air  and  situation, 

As  it  might  most  convenient  seem, 

And  fitted  to  his  leading  scheme. 

Thus  as  he  trotted  through  a  street, 

Whose  houses  seem'd  compact  and  neat, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          179 

Apartments  to  be  let  was  seen 

Upon  a  door  of  brightest  green, 

And  underneath  a  name  had  place, 

As  dealer  in  fine  foreign  lace  : 

The  curtain'd  windows  caught  the  eye, 

With  their  gay,  festoon'd  drapery, 

And  in  balconies  there  were  seen 

Flowers  and  plants  of  ever-green, 

Where  the  geraniums  blossom'd  red, 

And  myrtles  rose  from  mossy  bed, 

While  all,  as  far  as  he  could  see, 

Appear'd  to  suit  him  to  a  T. 

— He  thought  what  trouble  it  would  save, 

If  here  he  could  a  lodging  have  ; 

So  he  knock'd  smartly  at  the  door 

And  was  admitted  to  explore 

The  difPrent  rooms  by  a  fat  lady, 

Who  certainly  was  pass'd  her  heigh-day, 

But  if  time  had  destroy'd  her  figure, 

Her  tongue  retain'd  its  pristine  vigour  ; 

Thus  she  so  manag'd  to  succeed 

By  flatt'ring  chat,  that  he  agreed 

No  other  residence  to  seek, 

And  took  th'  apartments  for  a  week. 

He  answer'd  to  the  usual  claim, 

And  paid  a  pound  note  to  the  dame ; 

Deliver'd  his  portmanteau  there, 

To  the  old  lady's  promis'd  care, 

Then  took  his  leave  with  spirits  light 

And  promis'd  to  be  there  at  night. 

PAT  too  receiv'd  commands  to  find 

A  liv'ry  stable  to  his  mind, 

Where  both  the  travell'd  nags  and  he 

Might  find  due  hospitality  ; 

And  bade  him  keep  it  in  his  pate 

To  be  with  him  next  morn  at  eight. 


i8o          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

"  Well,  now,"  said  Syntax,  "  I'll  e'en  go 
And  visit  Pater-noster-Roiu, 
VELLUM  I  trust  will  much  rejoice 
To  hear  once  more  my  well-known  voice." 
He  went,  and  as  St.  Paul's  struck  three, 
His  appetite  rejoic'd  to  see 
The  print  and  paper-selling  sinner 
Preparing  for  a  plenteous  dinner. 
— After  much  warm  and  friendly  greeting 
At  this  so  unexpected  meeting, 
When  the  good  Doctor's  hungry  zeal 
Was  settled  by  a  hearty  meal, 
While  a  full  pint  of  wine  at  least, 
Had  given  spirits  to  the  feast, 
Vellum  his  curious  talk  began, 
To  dip  into  the  Doctor's  plan, 
And  by  his  shrewd  discourse  discover 
What  just  now  made  him  such  a  rover. 
"  — You  cannot  have  been  long  in  town, 
Or  some  Muse  with  the  news  had  flown 
And  have  contriv'd  to  let  us  know 
The  pleasing  tidings  in  the  Ro<w : 
For  you,  no  doubt  Sir,  must  have  brought 
Some  work  with  taste  and  learning  fraught, 
Something  of  bold  and  new  design, 
Dug  from  the  never-failing  mine 
That's  work'd  within  your  fertile  brain, 
Where  all  is  cut  and  come  again ; 
And  much  I  hope  you  will  command 
My  practis'd  and  obstetric  hand, 
And  chuse  me,  as  my  skill  you  know, 
Among  the  midwives  of  the  Row, 
To  bring  it  forth,  with  your  fair  name, 
To  a  long,  future  life  of  fame." 
A  smile  now  seem'd  to  give  assent, 
And  Vellum's  visage  beam'd  content : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          181 

But  when  he  from  the  Doctor  heard, 

What  street  and  place  he  had  preferr'd, 

And  that  he  was  thus  lodg'd  alone 

In  a  snug  house  in  Mary-bonne, 

He  thought  without  a  smile  or  joke 

He  should  speak  out — and  thus  he  spoke. 

" — Where'er  you  are  there  must  be  good, 

Whate'er  may  be  the  neighbourhood  ; 

But,  'tis  a  region,  let  me  say, 

Where  you,  Sir,  will  not  wish  to  stay, 

Though  I  do  not  presume  to  measure 

Either  your  fancy  or  your  pleasure : 

But  should  you  wish  to  quit  the  place, 

Which  possibly  may  be  the  case, 

I  have  a  friend  who  has  left  town 

For  sev'ral  months,  and  who  does  own 

Nice  chambers  in  an  Inn  of  Court, 

Where  Sages  of  the  Law  resort ; 

And  he  has  left,  as  you  may  see, 

The  entire  care  of  them  to  me, 

Furnish'd  with  all  accommodation 

That  well  may  suit  your  rev' rend  station  ; 

And  where  you  may  employ  your  pen, 

As  quiet  as  at  Sommerden, 

With  a  neat  laundress  to  attend  you, 

To  whose  good  care  I  should  commend  you." 

Said  Syntax,  "  In  a  day  or  two,  ~J 

I'll  ask  another  interview, 

And  then  the  subject  we'll  renew." 

— The  hasty  evening  pass'd  away 

On  gen'ral  topics  of  the  day  ; 

How  learning  sped  was  not  neglected, 

And  authors  of  all  kinds  dissected  ; 

'Till  the  departing  hour  was  come, 

And  Syntax  sought  his  novel  home 


182  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

To  the  opening  door  there  came 
The  old,  fat,  grinning,  prating  dame, 
Who  begg'd  that  he  would  take  a  chair 
In  her  boudoir,  and  seat  him  there : 
Smart,  well  dress'd,  giggling  Misses  three, 
Compos'd  the  old  lady's  company. 
**  These,  I  presume,  these  charming  fair," 
He  said,  "  are  your  maternal  care  ?  " 
"  These  are  my  chicks,"  the  dame  replied, 
"  At  once  my  profit  and  my  pride, 
Some  folks  have  talk'd  about  their  beauty, 
But  this  I  know,  they  do  their  duty, 
And  e'en  if  scandal  dare  to  flout  'em, 
I'm  sure  I  could  not  do  without  'em." 
But  with  his  day's  fatigue  oppress'd, 
Syntax  begg'd  leave  to  go  to  rest. 
"Laura,"  she  said,  "  I  prithee  come, 
And  light  the  Doctor  to  his  room." 
She  rose  and  as  she  squeez'd  his  arm 
He  calmly  smil'd,  but  thought  no  harm  ; 
He  took  it  in  the  kindest  sense, 
And  thought  it  frolic  innocence ; 
Bore,  from  her  hand  the  blazing  light, 
Then  bade  God  bless  her  and  good  night. 


He  was  next  morn  in  full  array 
And  planning  out  the  future  day, 
When  Pat  appear'd  quite  pale  and  wan, 
And  thus  in  ruffled  tones  began  : 
"  I  hope  you  will  not  take  offence 
If  I  just  tell  your  Reverence, 
This  is  a  house  of  evil  fame, 
I  know  its  character  and  name  : 
A  coach  is  here — Be  off,  I  pray, 
Nor  here  another  minute  stay  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          183 

You  now,  Sir,  may  remove  in  quiet, 

Or  the  old  hag  will  breed  a  riot." 

Nay,  now,  from  what  we  saw  last  night, 

The  Doctor  thought  that  Pat  was  right, 

Who  soon  the  trav'lling  baggage  bore 

Strait  to  the  hackney  at  the  door  ; 

And  then  flew  back  to  save  his  master 

From  any  insolent  disaster  : 

But,  as  the  staircase  he  descended, 

He  found  the  passage  well  defended. 

There  the  hag  stood,  all  hubber-bubber, 

A  half-dress'd  form  of  living  blubber. 

"What  going,  Sir,  without  a  warning  ?  " 

"Yes,"  Syntax  said,  "and  so  good-morning." 

"  But  stop,  Sir,  pray,  and  hear  me  speak  ; — 

You  still  must  pay  me  for  a  week." 

"One  pound,"  says  Pat,  "for  one  night's  rent, 

Is  pay  enough,  so  be  content." 

But  she  by  some  outlandish  name 

Bawl'd,  "  Captain  come  !  "  —The  Captain  came, 

When  he  display'd  a  horrid  grin, 

More  frightful  from  his  hairy  chin, 

And  threaten'd  loud  ;  but  Patrick  stood, 

In  a  stout,  sturdy  attitude. 

"Ah,  move,"  he  said,  "and  you  shall  feel 

That  Paddy  has  a  heart  of  steel ; 

Nay,  Captain,  he  may  prove  to  you, 

That  he  has  hands  of  iron  too." 

Whether  the  Captain  did  not  like 

The  kind  of  blows  that  Pat  might  strike, 

With  mumbling  oaths  and  ghastly  frown, 

He  went  up-stairs  as  he  came  down. 

Thus  neither  light  nor  heavy-hearted, 

But  between  both  the  Sage  departed ; 

Though  not  o'erburden'd  with  content, 

To  Vellum  now  again  he  went. 


1 84          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

There  are,  and  many  I  have  known, 
Though  not  to  naughty  habits  prone, 
Who  are  scarce  ever  heard  to  swear, 
And  seldom  miss  their  Sunday  prayer, 
Yet  of  their  lively  rovings  boast, 
When  youthful  fancies  rul'd  the  roast ; 
And  while  their  latter  days  prevail, 
Or  o'er  their  wine,  or  punch,  or  ale, 
And  while  the  smoking  fume  ascends 
Among  familiar,  social  friends, 
Will  chuckle  at  an  idle  thought, 
Which  Scandal's  gossip  tongue  has  brought, 
And  cautious  looking  round  the  while, 
Will  give  the  half  corrected  smile. 
Such  solemn  Vellum  was,  and  when 
Syntax  he  saw  so  soon  again, 
That  Mary-bonne,  a  shrewd  guess  told  him, 
The  Doctor  found  too  hot  to  hold  him. 
— But  though  our  fanciful  Divine 
Ne'er  thought  to  play  the  libertine, 
He  could  not,  as  he  sipp'd  his  tea, 
Refrain  from  mystic  drollery, 
And  by  that  drollery  did  provoke 
The  Bookseller  to  cut  a  joke, 
And,  with  a  blinking  eye,  let  fall 
Quaint  words  in  sense  equivocal. 
— But  now,  to  cut  the  matter  short, 
Nice  Chambers  in  an  Inn  of  Court 
Receiv'd  the  Sage  that  very  night, 
And  there  he  found  that  all  was  right ; 
With  Laundress  ready  to  attend 
His  service  as  an  humble  friend. 
The  travelling  steeds  at  liv'ry  stood 
Somewhere  in  the  near  neighbourhood, 
So  that  Pat  ever  was  at  hand, 
For  any  duty  at  command. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          185 

— In  thought  the  morrow  was  employed, 

Which,  as  it  pass'd,  was  not  enjoy'd  ; 

For  he  began  to  think  his  scheme 

Was  but  an  idle,  fruitless  dream, 

While  reason,  in  this  state  of  doubt, 

Seem'd  not  dispos'd  to  help  him  out. 

In  ev'ry  shape  the  cause  he  tried, 

But  still  he  was  not  satisfied. 

Thus  as  he  pac'd  from  room  to  room, 

Contemplating  his  future  doom, 

With  scarce  a  hope  his  mind  to  cheer, 

And  yielding  to  a  coward  fear  ; 

"  Is  it  that  I  a  place  have  chose," 

He  gravely  said,  "  where  life's  worst  foes 

Their  unpropitious  gains  receive, 

From  eyes  that  weep  and  hearts  that  grieve? 

Is  it  that  I  with  Lawyers  share         1 

This  dismal  roof,  this  tainted  air, 

That  I  an  humble  spirit  bear, 

And  seem  no  longer  to  preserve 

The  active  mind,  the  daring  nerve  ; 

Nay,  am  at  once  dispos'd  to  yield 

The  conquests  of  the  promis'd  field  ?  " 

Thus  as  he  spoke,  good  Mrs.  Broom, 

The  Laundress,  came  into  the  room, 

And  hearing  how  he  talk'd  and  sigh'd, 

Thus  in  respectful  tone  replied. 

"  Believe  me  in  this  staircase  here, 

I've  pass'd,  good  Sir,  full  many  a  year ; 

And  I  have  many  a  Lawyer  serv'd 

Who  ne'er  from  truth  or  justice  swerv'd  ; 

Though,  Sir,  perhaps,  within  this  court 

There  may  be  some  of  ev'ry  sort : 

But  if  you  chose  to  change  the  air, 

For  Portland-place  or  Portland-square,       >- 

Of  those  who  live  in  splendour  there 


1 86           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

I  fear  that  you  might  say  the  same 
Nor  do  injustice  to  their  name. 
Some  vile  professor  of  the  Laws  ] 

Has  grip'd  you  hard  within  his  paws, 
I  must  suppose,  and  given  you  cause 
The  common  anger  to  sustain 
Against  the  Laws  and  Lawyers'  train. 
Excuse  me,  Sir,  but  I  must  smile 
At  whims  that  do  our  minds  beguile. 
I  met  just  now,  upon  the  stairs, 
A  Dandy  in  his  highest  airs, 
Who  calls  the  Lawyer  that's  above 
The  faithful  clerk  of  doating  love  ; 
And  swears  that  by  his  powerful  pen 
He  proves  himself  the  best  of  men. 
Though,  Sir,  if  I  must  speak  the  truth, 
This  gallant  and  delighted  youth 
Is  on  the  lawyer's  toil  intent, 
Whose  skill  draws  up  an  instrument, 
Which,  when  in  all  due  form  prepar'd, 
Will  give  him  his  vast  love's  reward : 

0  'tis  a  most  delicious  sound 
Beauty,  and  forty  thousand  pound  !  " 
The  Doctor  smil'd  nor  check'd  the  dame, 
Who  thus  continued  to  exclaim  ; 

"  Marriage  I  think,  as  well  I  know, 
Is  the  far  happiest  state  below  ; 

1  twice  have  prov'd  that  happy  state  ;     } 
Twice  I  have  lost  a  faithful  mate, 

Nor  do  I  think  it  yet  too  late, 

To  seek  again  love's  soft  dominion, 

Were  John  Quill-drive  of  my  opinion." 


This  chatter,  and  of  marriage  too, 
Brought  the  same  subject  to  the  view 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          187 

Of  Syntax  in  a  better  state 
Than  he  had  given  it  thought  of  late : 
Besides,  good  wine  and  dainty  fare 
Are  sometimes  known  to  lighten  care  : 
Nay,  man  is  often  brisk  or  dull 
As  the  keen  stomach's  void  or  full. 
The  Doctor,  to  all  meals  inclin'd, 
Had  on  a  well-dress'd  sweet-bread  din'd, 
While  a  nice  pie  of  sav'ry  meat 
Gave  added  poignance  to  the  treat ; 
As  the  good  Laundress  wish'd  to  show, 
That  she  did  kitchen  cunning  know, 
And,  therefore,  had  contriv'd  the  best 
To  furnish  out  a  tempting  feast : 
While  Vellum  had  Madeira  sent 
Which  might  a  Bacchanal  content. 
He  ate,  he  drank,  his  spirits  rose, 
And  cheerful  thoughts  succeed  to  those 
Which  through  the  hopeless  morning  past, 
Had  his  shrunk  mind  with  doubts  o'ercast. 
— Again  he  pac'd  the  chamber  floor, 
And  talk'd  his  various  projects  o'er. —  j 
"  E'en  should  they  fail  he  knew  no  harm, 
That  ought  to  give  his  mind  alarm  : 
The  smiles  of  Fortune,  if  attain'd, 
Must  be  by  perseverance  gain'd  ; 
Therefore,  be  gone,  thou  Coward,  Fear, 
For  Syntax  still  shall  persevere." 


Thus  as  these  thoughts  his  spirits  cheer'd 
Vellum  with  smile  and  bow  appear'd  ; 
"  I  come  to  know,  Sir,  if  you  find 
The  situation  to  your  mind ; 
And  if  ought  can  be  added  to  it 
I  trust  that  you  will  let  me  know  it ; 


1 88          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  you  shall  see  it  is  my  pride 

To  have  it  instantly  supplied." 

The  Doctor  fail'd  not  in  expressing 

His  thanks  for  all  he  was  possessing. 

— Now  Vellum  had  a  ready  nose 

For  scenting  works,  in  verse  or  prose, 

Which  Authors,  for  some  special  reason, 

Might  keep  a  secret  for  a  season : 

Authors,  we  mean,  whose  favour'd  name, 

Is  trumpeted  by  Madam  Fame. 

A  dinner  he  was  us'd  to  try, 

With  a  few  scraps  of  flattery  : 

Of  wealth  and  gen'rous  deeds  would  boast, 

A  theme  on  Authors  seldom  lost ; 

And  these,  kept  up  with  prudent  skill, 

Might  bring  the  Author  to  his  will. 

Hence  may  be  trac'd  the  worldly  feeling 

That  brought  on  all  this  friendly  dealing  ; 

For  surely  Vellum  could  not  dream 

But  that  it  was  some  learned  scheme 

Which  brought  the  Doctor  up  to  town, 

When  all  the  show  of  life  was  flown. 

Syntax,  with  native  keenness  felt 

At  what  the  cunning  tradesman  spelt ; 

At  the  same  time  he  did  not  feel 

It  would  be  prudent  to  reveal 

The  curious  wish  that  bade  him  roam 

So  far  in  summer  months  from  home ; 

But  to  avert  his  prying  eye 

The  Sage  began  this  colloquy : — 

"  You  have  already  had  a  ken      1 

Of  what  I  call  a  specimen, 

When  piety  inspir'd  my  pen,        J 

And  much,  my  friend,  I  wish  to  know, 

Could  I  a  pious  volume  show, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          189 

All  fair  and  ready  for  the  press, 
What  you  may  think  of  its  success, 
And  as  we  both  may  be  concern'd, 
If  fame  and  money  may  be  earn'd  ?  " 

V."  What  mean  you  ? — Sermons  ?" — S. "  Yes, 
the  same." 

V.  *'  Sermons  by  you,  and  with  your  name  : — 
Upon  a  first  and  gen'ral  view, 
I  rather  think  that  they  will  do  : 
At  all  events,  Sir,  as  a  friend, 
I  to  your  int' rests  will  attend." 

Thus  with  solemn  face  he  spoke, 
And  we  will  guess,  by  way  of  joke 
What  to  himself  Old  Vellum  said, 
As  the  sly,  secret  hints  of  trade. 
Deep  thought  two  forehead  wrinkles  prov'd, 
But  neither  tongue  nor  lips  were  mov'd, 
While  to  his  interests  never  blind, 
These  hints  were  whisper'd  to  his  mind : 

"  Sermons  by  him  ! — O  quite  the  thing, 
To  publish  in  the  ensuing  spring  ! 
They  will  I'm  sure  be  all  the  fashion, 
And  read,  perhaps,  by  half  the  nation. 
For  Sermons,  as  the  taste  prevails, 
Are  read  as  eagerly  as  tales, 
And  if  the  preacher  has  renown 
No  works  more  popular  are  known. 
I'll  try  to-morrow  ere  we  dine 
To  fix  the  copy-right  as  mine." 
But  still  he  thought :  "  Why  need  I  stay, 
To  strike  this  stroke,  another  day  ! 
Another  day  ?     No,  No — I  vow 
I'll  strive  to  make  the  bargain  now." 


go          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Thus  these  dumb  hopes  acquired  strength, 
So  that  he  let  them  speak  at  length, 
But  in  a  calm  and  measur'd  tone  : — 
" — These  Sermons,  Doctor,  I  must  own 

I  rather  wish  " "  My  honest  friend," 

Syntax  exclaim'd,  "  I  must  attend 
To  other  matters  which,  'tis  known, 
Have  caus'd  my  pilgrimage  to  town  ; 
And  it  will  be  a  week  or  two 
Before  I  can  attend  to  you  : 
But,  sure  I  am — it  cannot  be 
That  we  should  ever  disagree." 

VELLUM,  well  pleas'd  that  he  had  made 
Some  progress  in  the  way  of  trade, 
Which,  as  he  plann'd  it,  would  repay 
All  his  shrewd  sense  could  do  or  say, 
His  sly  enquiries  now  repress'd, 
And  hush'd  his  wary  zeal  to  rest : 
Thus,  having  smok'd  a  pipe  or  two 
In  social  mood,  he  bade  adieu. 

Syntax,  who  had  not  liv'd  so  long 
Without  that  sense  of  right  and  wrong, 
Which  Observation's  known  to  give 
To  those  who  think  as  well  as  live, 
Felt  Vellum's  use — but  then  he  knew 
That  int'rest  must  be  kept  in  view  ; 
That  this  same  money-scraping  sinner 
Would  ne'er  be  lur'd  to  give  a  dinner, 
Nor  would  his  spirit  e'er  incline 
To  ask  a  Letter  d  Man  to  dine, 
Or  bow,  or  smile,  or  send  his  wine,     J 
Unless  he  thought  by  way  of  trade, 
His  kindness  would  be  well  repaid. 
He  therefore  kept  'neath  lock  and  key 
These  Volumes  of  Divinity  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          191 

And  did  his  distant  promise  make, 

To  keep  curmudgeon  zeal  awake. 

— Thus  it  appears  the  day  was  pass'd, 

And  night's  calm  hour  arriv'd  at  last ; 

For,  Vellum  and  the  Laundress  gone, 

The  Doctor  now  was  left  alone ; 

As  Pat  took  up  his  night's  abode 

Where  Punch  with  her  companions  stood, 

And  moisten'd  many  a  Dublin  tale 

With  the  rich  draughts  of  London  ale. 

But  Syntax,  ere  he  went  to  rest, 

Ponder'd  on  what  might  be  the  best, 

What  it  became  him  now  to  do, 

And  which  the  way  he  should  pursue. 

"  Can  I,"  he  calmly  said,  "  do  better, 

Than  send  my  Lady  Macknighi's  letter? 

And  thus  fair  Mrs.  BRISKIT  see 

With  all  her  wild  vivacity, 

Nor  fear  the  risk  what  she  may  do 

With  all  her  fun  and  frolic  too." 

Thus,  the  next  morn,  a  formal  note 

He  with  all  due  politeness  wrote, 

To  let  her  know  what  joy  'twould  give  him, 

Did  she  but  say  she  would  receive  him." 

"  — This  evening  Madcap  is  at  home," 

The  answer  said,  "  so  prithee  come." — 

"  How,"  she  exclaim'd,  "  shall  I  enjoy, 

The  visit  of  this  Rev'rend  Boy  ! 

I  shall  be  in  my  highest  sphere, 

When  the  Quixotic  Parson's  here  !  " 

No  sooner  was  it  said  than  done, 

And  thus  commenc'd  the  scheme  of  fun. 

AJ1  in  due  time  a  stout  house-maid 

Was  like  the  lady's  self  array'd  ; 

The  pendants  dangle  from  her  ears, 

The  plumage  o'er  her  brow  appears ; 


i92  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  ostrich  spoils,  so  green,  so  red, 

Bent  graceful  from  her  auburn  head, 

While  all  that  pucker'd  silk  could  show 

Appear'd  in  flounce  and  furbelow, 

And  muslin's  border' d  folds  display'd 

The  pow'rs  of  millinery  aid. 

The  Reticule  grac'd  one  rude  hand, 

The  other  did  a  fan  command  ; 

But  Molly,  in  this  tonish  dress, 

Was  the  sublime  of  awkwardness. 

While  she,  indeed,  or  sat  or  stood, 

All  motionless  as  log  of  wood, 

She  look'd  like  wholesome  flesh  and  blood  ; 

But  when  she  mov'd  and  when  she  spoke, 

Then  was  to  come  the  promis'd  joke, 

As  Syntax,  by  the  trick  betray'd, 

Would  for  the  mistress  take  the  maid, 

And  let  forth  many  a  classic  speech, 

Which  pedant  gallantry  might  teach  ; 

While  Madam,  from  some  cushion'd  height, 

Not  seen,  nor  yet  quite  out  of  sight, 

Could  from  behind  a  curtain's  sweep 

With  silent  caution  take  a  peep, 

At  the  cross- purposes  display'd 

'Tween  Syntax  and  the  lady-maid  : 

But  when  the  parley  awkward  grew 

She  might  at  once  appear  to  view, 

And  in  brisk  measure  rush  between 

To  give  new  spirit  to  the  scene. 

Such  was  the  plan  this  lively  dame 

Had  laid  to  form  the  evening's  game, 

And  in  due  course  the  evening  came.     J 


Pat  now  applied  his  utmost  art 
To  make  his  Rev' rend  Master  smart, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          !93 

Who  when  he  cast  a  partial  eye, 
The  smooth-fac'd  mirror  passing  by, 
Just  whisper'd,  on  the  glancing  view, 
" 'Tis  not  amiss — I  think  'twill  do. 
And  now,"  he  said,  "  'twere  well  to  try 
A  taste  of  that  electuary, 
Which,  as  I've  known,  so  often  serves 
To  give  fresh  vigour  to  the  nerves." 
He  with  the  dose  was  well  content, 
For  'twas  of  that  which  Vellum  sent. 

Now  in  a  hack  was  Syntax  shook, 
And  Pat  behind  his  station  took, 
When  thus,  in  all  becoming  state, 
They  pass'd  along  through  Gray's  Inn  Gate. 
— The  Doctor  let  his  fancy  bend, 
As  to  the  evening  he  should  spend  ; 
And  how  he  might  be  best  prepar'd 
To  play  a  safe  and  cautious  card ; 
For  sure  he  was  from  all  he  knew, 
There  would  be  fun  and  frolic  too  ; 
But  what  this  gamesome  Ma'am  would  do     J 
His  mental  eye  could  not  foresee, 
Though  in  such  near  futurity. — 
Thus  as  he  conn'd  his  lesson  o'er, 
The  carriage  reach'd  the  promis'd  door. 
— In  the  mean  time  the  bouncing  maid 
Was  taught  the  part  that  should  be  play'd  ; 
And  thus  the  artful  Mistress  gave 
Th'  instruction  how  she  should  behave. 
"  When  he  shall  ask  you  how  you  do, 
You'll  say,  I'm  well  and  thank  you  too. 
But  beyond  this  you  must  not  go, 
Nor  e'er  reply  but  YES  or  NO." 
What  other  fancies  she  was  told 
A  few  lines  onward  will  unfold. 

VOL.  m. — 13 


194          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

He  enter'd,  when  with  awkward  air 

She  motion'd  him  to  take  a  chair, 

And,  having  plac'd  it  by  her  side, 

He  thus  began — She  thus  replied  : — 

"Ma'am,  'tis  an  honour  you  confer  "- 

She  said — "I'm  well  and  thank  you  Sir." 

"  — I  have  a  letter  here  to  show 

From  Lady  Macnight  " — She  said,  "  No." 

"  — I  hope  you'll  take  it  not  amiss, 

If  I  present  it !  "—She  said,  "  Tes." 

"  I'm  Doctor  Syntax  as  I  live." 

She  answer'd  with  a  Negative. 

0  ho  !  he  thought,  but  I'll  go  on,      "1 
For  Madam  I  suppose  for  fun 

Is  playing  an  Automaton  ; 
And  if  that  is  the  Lady's  cue, 

1  will  be  somewhat  funny  too. 

"  Madam,"  he  said,  "  that  lovely  face 

Seems  to  invite  a  soft  embrace, 

And  if  you  please  " — She  answer'd,  "  Tes." 

The  Doctor  therefore  took  a  kiss, 

Which  she  return'd  with  such  a  blow 

As  her  rude  hands  could  well  bestow : 

But  while,  astonish'd  and  amaz'd, 

He  on  the  angry  figure  gaz'd, 

The  Lady  thought  it  time  to  move 

From  her  snug  hiding-place  above  : 

Into  the  room  at  once  she  darted ; 

The  Doctor  turn'd  around  and  started, 

And,  scarce  recov'ring  from  the  slap, 

Sunk  unawares  in  Molly's  lap. 

She  shov'd  him  briskly  tow'rds  the  dame, 

Who  push'd  him  back  from  whence  he  came, 

And  thus,  by  force  of  arms  uncouth, 

He  play'd  at  to  and  fro  with  both  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          195 

Such  as  a  shuttlecock  explores, 
Between  two  active  battledores. 
— Molly,  who  thought  her  bus'ness  o'er, 
Made  hasty  passage  through  the  door, 
And  left  the  Madcap  Madam  Briskit 
With  her  sage,  rev'rend  beau  to  frisk  it. 
— But  now  another  air  prevail'd, 
When  she  her  visitor  assail'd 
With  humble  grace  and  winning  smile, 
So  form'd  displeasure  to  beguile  ; 
And,  having  kindly  grasp'd  his  hand, 
With  looks  not  easy  to  withstand  : 
"  I  am,"  she  said,  "  a  silly  creature, 
And  you,  I  know,  are  all  good  nature, 
Which  will  without  offence  receive 
The  droll  reception  that  I  give. 
'Tis  thus  I  ever  treat  my  friends, 
But  I  will  make  you  full  amends  : 
For  though  the  evening  has  begun 
In  gamesome  play  and  active  fun, 
Reason  shall  better  things  supply, 
And  all  shall  end  in  harmony." 
— The  Lady  did  her  promise  keep, 
Her  gambol  spirits  went  to  sleep  : 
And  in  whate'er  she  did  or  said 
Such  serious  goodness  was  display'd, 
So  pleasing  to  his  ear  and  eye, 
As  well  as  reverend  dignity, 
So  subject  to  sound  reason's  rule, 
He  wonder'd  she  could  play  the  fool. 
She  spoke  with  magic  on  her  tongue, 
While  with  a  Syren's  voice  she  sung ; 
Then  touch'd  the  organ  with  such  skill 
That  wound  the  Doctor  to  her  will, 
And  by  her  flatt'ring  power  to  please 
So  charm'd  his  sensibilities, 


196  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

That  he  did  all  his  views  relate 

To  seek  again  the  marriage  state ; 

Nor  did  the  dear  Divine  conceal 

One  awkward  wish  that  he  might  feel. 

— At  once  the  frolic  Madam  caught 

A  plan  with  precious  mischief  fraught : 

"  O  what  an  idle  silly  dance," 

She  said,  with  warmth,  "  to  trust  to  chance, 

To  hope  by  accident  to  find 

A  mate  that's  suited  to  your  mind  ! 

You've  but  a  fortnight  here  to  stay, 

Scarce  time  to  hear  a  Tea  or  Nay : 

You  can't  to  courtship's  rules  conform  ; 

A  siege  won't  do — attack  by  storm  !  " 

Then  she  exclaim'd  with  tongue  and  eyes 

"  We  for  a  Wife  'will  advertise  !  " 

She  squeez'd  his  hand — and  he  complies. 

"  The  happiest  Hymen  I  e'er  knew," 

She  said,  "  from  advertisements  grew  ; 

And  to  my  friend,  I  wish  it  known 

That  I  shall  scarce  except  my  own. 

Nay  do  but  trust  the  whole  to  me, 

I  am  the  soul  of  secrecy. 

If  this  nice  project  should  succeed, 

You'll  thank  and  bless  me  for  the  deed : 

If  it  should  fail,  it  is  no  more 

Than  wisdom's  self  has  done  before. 

— Of  candidates  you  need  not  fear; 

Perhaps  too  many  may  appear  ; 

But,  ere  their  forms  salute  your  eyes, 

I'll  learn  their  secret  histories  ; 

And  you  shall  see,  my  rev'rend  friend, 

The  one  which  I  may  recommend, 

And  if  you  think  that  one's  the  thing, 

Then  for  the  licence  and  the  ring." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          197 

— The  Doctor  took  it  all  for  granted : 

It  seem'd  as  if  he  were  enchanted. 

Then,  in  impressive  eloquence, 

He  spoke  at  once  his  grateful  sense 

Of  her  warm  friendship  and  regard, 

Though  goodness  is  its  own  reward : 

But  both  in  mode  as  well  as  measure, 

He  left  it  all  to  her  good  pleasure. 

— 'Twas  midnight  past  when  he  departed, 

Charm'd  with  the  plan  and  quite  light-hearted, 

Leaving  his  lady  friend  to  dream 

Of  all  the  mischief  of  her  scheme. 


Syntax  now  set  his  heart  at  rest, 
Thought  what  was  done  was  for  the  best, 
And  to  fill  up  the  interval 
He  would  on  dear  Miss  PALLET  call. 
Here  his  reception  was  most  kind :         "j 
Sweet  manners  with  superior  mind, 
And  taste  and  genius  were  combin'd.      J 
— When  the  first  formal  chat  was  o'er, 
The  works  of  Artists  they  explore, 
Whose  labours  gain'd  the  height  of  fame 
And  fix'd  the  imperishable  name. 
They  then  the  living  talents  try, 
With  just  remark  and  critic  eye. 
"And  now,"  she  said,  "you  will  incline 
To  tell  me  what  you  think  of  mine. 
I  hear  you  say,  '  how  sweet,  how  fine  !  ' 
But  if,  while  your  kind  words  commend, 
You  should  see  faults — O  what  a  friend  !  " 
" — I  see  no  faults — but  let  me  tell, 
The  leading  power  of  painting  well 
Must  spring  from  studying  various  nature 
In  ev'ry  form  and  ev'ry  feature  : 


198  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

'Tis  that  alone  which  can  impart 
The  height  and  depth  and  breadth  of  art ; 
Nor  do  I  see  your  pencil  err 
From  that  primeval  character." 
"Doctor,"  she  said,  "O  will  you  stay 
And  take  your  dinner  here  to  day : 
You  then  will  hear  two  Artists  prate 
Of  Art — and  who  each  other  hate. 
Such  things  there  are — e'en  lib'ral  arts 
Are  known  to  poison  human  hearts, 
And  their  warm  feelings  oft  supply 
With  envy  base  and  jealousy." 

— The  Artists  came — "  Sir,  Mr.  B 

'Tis  Doctor  Syntax  :  Mr.  G " 

The  dinner  soon  appear'd  in  view, 
And  pass'd  as  other  dinners  do : 
But  with  the  fruit  the  talk  began, 
And  thus  around  the  table  ran. 
— Said  Syntax,  "  I  my  wonder  own 
Where  a  fair  lady's  art  is  shown, 
That  among  all  the  figures  here, 
The  God  of  Love  does  not  appear." 
" — We  known  professors  of  the  art," 

Says  G "  have  got  him  quite  by  heart : 

We  want  no  model,  do  you  see, 
Of  this  familiar  Deity  : 
Sure  am  I,  that  I'm  not  so  stupid, 
But  sleeping  I  could  paint  a  Cupid." — 
" — I  wish  you  would  the  trouble  take 
To  paint  a  Cupid  when  awake," 

Said  titt'ring  B "  I  know  'twill  prove 

A  very  sleepy  God  of  Love." 

"  Have  done  !   have  done  !  "  Miss  Pallet  said, 

"  The  passion  shall  be  well  display'd, 

Not  as  a  Painter's  eye  may  view  it, 

But  as  the  Doctor's  tongue  can  do  it : — 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          199 

And  therefore,  Sirs,  I  humbly  move 

That  he  may  speak  his  thoughts  on  Love." 

" — 'Tis  a  nice  theme,"  Syntax  replied, 

"  But  ladies  must  not  be  denied  : 

Mine  are  peculiar  thoughts  I  fear, 

And  I  ask  candour's  self  to  hear. 

— The  passion  that  commands  the  heart 

Is  in  this  world  a  thing  apart ; 

And  throughout  life,  as  we  may  learn, 

Has  nothing  like  a  fix'd  concern : 

It  makes  fools  wise,  and  wise  men  fools, 

But  not  by  any  written  rules. 

Love,  as  recording  Hist'ry  shows, 

Leads  wisdom  often  by  the  nose  : 

Nature  does  female  weakness  arm 

With  that  inexplicable  charm 

That  oft  without  exterior  grace, 

Or  piercing  eye  or  lovely  face, 

Or  e'en  th'  alluring  power  of  wit, 

Makes  all-presuming  man  submit ; 

Assumes  the  full  domestic  reign, 

And  sees  him  smile  to  wear  the  chain. 

It  is  a  secret  sympathy,  1 

A  hidden  power  that  doth  decree, 

As  in  the  world  we  often  see, 

Natures  the  most  oppos'd  to  join 

At  the  matrimonial  shrine  ; 

Nay,  has  been  often  known  to  match 

Affection  warm  with  hands  that  scratch  ; 

And  e'en  in  Hymen's  net  trepan, 

The  polish'd  Peer  and  blowzy  Nan. 

Such  the  effect,  but  then  the  cause 

Is  work'd  by  Nature's  hidden  laws, 

And  if  you  ask  me  to  explain  1 

The  Whys  and  Wherefores,  'tis  in  vain,      ,- 

I  cannot,  and  think  no  man  can." 


200  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

" — The  Doctor  knows  the  human  heart," 

Says  B "  but  can  he  talk  of  Art  ?  " 

" — That,"  says  the  Lady,  "will  appear  : 

If  you  will  listen,  you  shall  hear. 

— What  think  you  of  this  sketch,  my  friend  ?  " 

"  In  ev'ry  part  I  do  commend 

Its  force,  its  freedom,"  Syntax  said : 

When  either  Artist  shook  his  head. 

The  Doctor  then,  in  prudence  clos'd 

The  observations  he  propos'd  : 

But  thus  continued  : — "  May  I  ask, 

Should  it  be  no  unpleasant  task, 

To  tell  me,  if  the  Arts  abound  "j 

And  flourish  fair  in  British  ground, 

Where  Science  is  so  largely  found?" 

" — O  no,"  'twas  said,  "they're  going  down, 

There's  scarce  an  Artist  of  renown." 

The  Sage  then  mention'd  many  a  name 

That  dwelt  upon  the  lips  of  fame. 

"  O  no,"  they  said  ;  then,  one  by  one, 

With  many  a  shrug,  they  ran  them  down, 

And  only  differ'd  in  degree, 

As  they  let  loose  their  calumny. 

This  colour'd  not,  that  wanted  vigour, 

A  third  knew  nothing  of  the  figure  : — 

Thus  having  clos'd  their  critic  law, 

They  Syntax  ask'd  if  he  could  draw : 

When  he  his  ready  pencil  took 

And  in  the  blank  page  of  a  book, 

Design'd  a  gallows,  from  which  swung 

Two  figures  that  by  cordage  hung. 

"  Pray,"  it  was  said,  "  who  may  be  those  ? 

They  are  two  murderers  I  suppose." 

"Yes,"  Syntax  said,  "of  my  formation, 

They're  Murderers  of  REPUTATION" 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         201 

— B a  short  time  in  silence  sat, 

Then  slid  away  and  took  his  hat : 
The  other  sought  the  self-same  track, 
Nor  said  adieu,  nor  e'er  came  back. 

"  I  think  the  lecture  I  have  given, 
Has  not  sent  your  good  friends  to  Heaven," 
Syntax  observ'd.     "  No,"  'twas  replied, 
"  O  what  a  lesson  to  their  pride  ! 
Which,  if  we  could  their  feelings  trace, 
Has  sent  them  to  another  place. — 
— Though  they  have  merit  which  is  known, 
They  hate  all  merit  but  their  own  : 
They  cordially  detest  each  other, 
But  both  will  join  t' abuse  another. 
They're  useful  to  me  in  my  art, 
And  both  lay  claim  to  my  poor  heart : 
But  when  they  make  their  wishes  known, 
I  laughing  vow  'tis  fled  and  gone : 
Still  they  are  faithless  ;   but  to  you, 
I  may  declare  that  it  is  true  ; 
Though  with  calm  patience  I  must  wait 
'Till  the  stars  smile  upon  my  fate. — 
And  now,  dear  Sir,  I  beg  and  pray, 
Come  often  while  in  town  you  stay, 
And  be  assur'd  whene'er  you  come 
To  none  but  you  I'll  be  at  home  !  " 

Syntax  took  leave  with  great  delight, 
In  hopes  to  pass  a  tranquil  night, 
Without  one  unpropitious  thought 
Which  a  day's  hurry  might  have  brought : 
But  at  his  door  attendant  care, 
In  Pat's  pale  face,  was  waiting  there. 
With  something  like  a  wat'ry  eye 
Pat  said,  "  I  fear  poor  Punch  will  die. 


202  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

I  did  not  know  where  you  were  gone, 

That  I  might  ask  what  should  be  done ; 

But  as  I  knew  you  would  not  spare 

Expence  to  save  the  poor  old  mare, 

I  did  the  best  assistance  claim, 

And  Doctor  Glanders  quickly  came  : 

I  know  not  what  he  might  discover, 

But  I  am  sure  he  gives  her  over. 

Your  Rev'rence — but  to  hear  her  moan,     1 

And  Oh  ! — so  like  a  Christian  groan, 

Yes,  it  would  melt  a  heart  of  stone." 

"  — My  good  friend  Pat,  what  can  I  do  ? 

The  poor  beast  I  must  leave  to  you. 

Go  take  your  ale  to  soothe  your  sorrow, 

And  see  me  early  on  the  morrow." 

— Pat  came  to  orders — op'd  the  door 

And  said,  "  poor  Punch,  Sir,  is  no  more. 

How  oft  have  I  the  mare  bestrode, 

In  field,  through  woods,  and  on  the  road  ! 

Poor  thing  !   she  knew  my  voice  as  well 

As  the  flock  knows  its  leader's  bell. 

I've  brush'd  her  grey  skin  o'er  and  o'er, 

But  I  shall  rub  her  down  no  more." 

"  — Now  Pat,  I  pray  you,  hold  your  peace,' 

The  Doctor  said,  "  your  wailing  cease  : 

I'm  sorry  that  I've  lost  the  mare, 

But  'tis  a  loss  which  I  can  bear  : 

It  is  not  worth  this  mighty  pother ; 

She's  gone,  and  we  must  get  another : 

Yet  I  will,  for  old  Punch's  sake, 

Go  and  all  due  enquiry  make, 

And  hear  the  stable-people  state, 

What  caus'd  her  unexpected  fate." 

Syntax  arriv'd  when  Glanders  there 

Was  looking  at  the  breathless  mare  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          203 

And  soon  an  angry  conflict  rose, 
Big  with  hard  words  that  threaten'd  blows. — 
"  What  caus'd  her  death,  Sir  ?  "  ask'd  the  Sage, 
"  Hard  work,"  old  Glanders  said,  "  and  age." 

S.   "  What  do  you  think  I'm  such  a  Turk, 
To  kill  the  mare  by  over-work, 
Who  did,  I  say,  for  years  conduce 
Both  to  my  pleasure  and  my  use  ? 
Whate'er  my  many  faults  may  be, 
I  ne'er  fail'd  in  humanity ; 
This  my  whole  life  I  trust  will  show, 
And  all  who  long  have  known  me  know. 
Nay,  from  your  looks,  it  is  a  chance, 
But  she  died  from  your  ignorance." 

G.  "Four hundred  miles, though  travell'd  slow  "1 
At  her  old  age,  you  must  allow 
Is  hardish  work, — What  say  you  now  ? 
I  tell  you  too,  I  drew  my  knowledge 
From  the  Veterinary  College. 
John  Ostler  there,  I  pray  appear, 
You  know,  at  least,  for  many  a  year 
I  with  success  have  practis'd  here. 
Again  I  say  and  you  may  stare, 
It  was  hard  work  that  kill'd  your  mare." 
« _Oh  !    Oh  !  "    cried    Pat,    "  how    my   hand 

itches, 

Thou  guinea  pig,  in  boots,  and  breeches, 
To  trounce  thee  well ! — Thou  lying  sinner, 
To  beat  thee  I  would  lose  my  dinner !  " 
— Glanders  deign'd  not  to  make  reply, 
But,  with  grave  look  and  leering  eye, 
Just  utter'd  :   "  Here  is  my  account, 
And  I  now  beg  the  small  amount." 
Syntax  began  to  fume  and  vapour, 
And  tore  at  once  the  dirty  paper, 


204           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Within  the  house  his  voice  was  heard, 

When  the  yard's  master  soon  appear'd, 

And  did  in  humblest  terms  request 

The  Doctor's  rage  might  be  supprest. 

"  Though  of  strange  form  and  uncouth  feature, 

Old  Glanders  is  a  useful  creature : 

And  though  his  ways  are  coarse  and  rude, 

He  is  with  ample  skill  endued, 

And  is  pursued  by  hourly  calls 

For  all  the  ails  of  animals  ; 

Nay,  does  his  ready  aid  supply, 

From  sporting  stable  to  the  sty. 

Indeed,  I  think,  if  skill  or  care  1 

Could  have  preserv'd  your  old  grey  mare, 

She  would  not  have  been  lying  there. 

Leave,  Sir,  this  bus' ness  all  to  me, 

It  is  beneath  your  dignity ; 

And,  if  another  horse  you  buy, 

My  judgment  shall  its  aid  supply." 

— Smiles  and  kind  words,  how  great  their  skill, 

To  regulate  the  wayward  will ! 

And,  in  this  out-of-humour  hour, 

Syntax  was  soften'd  by  their  power. 

"Thank  you,"  he  said,  "my  honest  friend, 

To  your  good  counsel  I  attend." 

Then  spoke,  as  round  his  eyes  he  threw, 

"  Pat  come  with  me  ! — Poor  Punch,  adieu  !  " 

"  An'  please  you,  I  ne'er  long'd,"  says  Pat, 
"  Since  my  round  head  has  worn  a  hat, 
T'  employ  my  fists  as  on  that  fellow, 
That  half-grown,  o'er-grown  Punchinello  !  " 
Said  Syntax,  "  prithee  hold  thy  tongue  : 
I  fear  that  we  have  both  been  wrong ; 
And,  when  we  do  our  errors  find, 
'Tis  well  to  give  them  to  the  wind, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          205 

And  with  more  care  our  way  pursue 
In  what  we  yet  may  have  to  do. 

Good,  rev' rend  man,  with  all  thy  knowledge, 
First  gain'd  at  school,  enlarg'd  at  college, 
And  by  hard  study  still  improv'd 
In  the  long  track  where  thought  has  mov'd ; 
With  thy  strict  honour,  gen'rous  worth, 
And  all  those  virtues  which  have  birth 
In  the  warm,  unpolluted  heart, 
Where  cunning  low  or  tutor'd  art 
Was  never,  never  known  to  dwell, 
Whence  all  who  know  thee  love  thee  well ; 
With  piety  that  from  above 
Has  caught  the  flame  of  sacred  love, 
That,  not  confin'd  to  time  or  place, 
Extends  to  all  the  human  race ; 
With  all  that  thou  hast  known  and  seen 
In  the  wide  space  that  lies  between 
The  time  when  on  the  chin  appears 
Manhood'd  first  down  and  fifty  years  ; 
With  that  shrewd  and  sagacious  mind 
That  can  the  depths  of  learning  find, 
And  with  the  critic  eye  explore 
The  dubious  paths  of  ancient  lore, 
Draw  hidden  knowledge  from  the  night 
Of  ages  past,  and  give  it  light — 
With  this  and  all  your  boasted  care,     ~i 
You  see  not  the  insidious  snare 
That  female  frolic  does  prepare, 
Not  to  seek  vice  within  its  bower, 
For  that  is  not  within  her  power, 
Nor,  to  say  truth,  does  her  design 
To  such  dark  malice  e'er  incline  ; 
But  'tis  to  make  you  play  the  fool, 
To  be  the  sport  of  ridicule, 


206  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

To  make  you  in  the  mischief  chime, 

As  buffoon  in  the  pantomime, 

And  hold  your  fancies  up  to  view 

T'  amuse  her  half-bred,  giggling  crew, 

In  such  a  way,  and  such  a  place, 

As  might  be  bordering  on  disgrace. — 

— It  almost  makes  me  melancholy, 

To  think  my  pen  must  tell  your  folly ; 

But  still  I  can  with  safety  say,  ~| 

When  you,  my  friend,  from  wisdom  stray, 

It  is  your  virtues  that  betray, 

Or  failings  which,  to  good  allied, 

Are  fighting  seen  by  virtue's  side. 

Such  are  the  sources,  I  well  know, 

From  which  your  venial  errors  flow  ; 

But  with  them  all,  I  wish  most  true, 

That  I  were  half  as  good  as  you. 

— For  how  can  the  mind's  eye  see  clear, 

When  vanity  presents  the  ear  ? 

How  can  suspicion  close  the  heart, 

When  grateful  thoughts  their  warmth  impart  ? 

How  can  it  fond  belief  deny, 

When  urg'd  by  sensibility  ? 

How  turn  away  and  not  attend, 

When  beauty  says,  I  am  your  friend  ? 

And  when  it  adds,  my  friendship  use, 

Can  the  kind  spirit  then  refuse  ? — 

— But  I  cease  to  apostrophise 

The  unthought  frailties  of  the  wise  ; 

And,  my  kind  friends,  shall  lay  before  ye 

The  future  progress  of  my  story. 

The  Doctor  now  employ'd  his  pen, 
In  letters  kind  to  Sommerden : 
With  feelings  rather  grave  than  gay 
He  pass'd  a  sentimental  day  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         207 

Though  a  late  evening  hour  was  cheer'd, 
When  Vellum's  smiling  face  appear'd. 
They  smok'd  their  pipes  and  chatted  o'er 
The  topics  of  the  passing  hour. 
At  length  'twas  said  ;  "  I  here  have  brought, 
As  matter  for  your  future  thought, 
A  written  paper  that  contains 
What  I  propose  as  mutual  gains, 
Which  will,  as  you  may  plainly  see, 
Transfer  your  manuscript  to  me." 
Syntax  the  paper  keenly  ey'd, 
And  thus  without  reserve  replied  : 
"  I  own  your  very  liberal  feelings, 
My  friend,  in  all  our  former  dealings, 
And  I'm  content,  I  must  avow, 
With  what  you're  pleas'd  to  offer  now  ; 
And  when  I  throw  into  account 
Your  kindness,  with  its  full  amount, 
What  I  expected  to  receive 
Is  less  than  you  propose  to  give." 
—The  solemn  contract  thus  agreed, 
Without  delay  in  word  and  deed, 
Old  Vellum,  when  away  he  went, 
Left  Syntax,  like  himself,  content. 
— The  literary  business  done, 
And  the  pleas'd  Doctor  now  alone, 
On  what  was  pass'd  in  accents  grave 
His  candour  thus  its  judgment  gave. 
"  — He  acted  with  a  tradesman's  care, 
But  all  I've  seen  was  right  and  fair, 
And  I  in  justice  must  commend 
His  conduct  as  a  civil  friend ; 
And  should  I  hear  abuse  of  Vellum, 
I  would  in  strong  expressions  tell  'em 
This  reputable  man  of  letters 
Is  just  and  gen'rous  as  his  betters." 


208  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Next  morning  as  he  calmly  took 
His  coffee,  poring  o'er  a  book, 
A  letter  from  Ma'am  Briskit  came, 
That  did  his  quick  attention  claim. 
He  broke  the  seal,  then  rubb'd  his  head, 
And  thus  aloud  the  epistle  read  : — 

"  Try,  MY  DEAR  DOCTOR,  all  your  art, 
To  make  yourself  supremely  smart, 
For  ere  'tis  mid-day  you  'will  see         ^ 
Two  pleasing  objects,  I  think  three, 
To  claim  your  fond  idolatry. 
But  then  they  'will  not  come  alone, 
Each  has  a  friend  to  make  her  known, 
Because,  to  speak  their  several  state 
Must  shock  you  as  indelicate. 
A  kind  aunt  'will  on  one  attend, 
Another  has  a  guardian  friend, 
And  'with  the  youngest  of  the  three, 
Tou  'will  a  tender  mother  see. 
Either  of  them  'will  suit  you  'well  ,• 
J'-ve  seen  them  all,  and  all  excel 
In  diff'rent  ways  perhaps,  but  still,      1 
If  in  my  sex  I've  any  skill, 
They  must  your  utmost  'wish  fulfil :       J 
Tour  heart,  of  course  will  fix  on  one, 
And  then  the  important  deed  is  done. 
I've  been  to  my  commission  true, 
And  so,  my  dear  Divine,  Adieu  ! 
While  I  possess  the  power  tn  frisk  it, 
I  shall  be  yours, 

SUSANN.-I  BRISKIT.' 

The  Doctor  conn'd  the  letter  o'er, 
And  thoughts  arose  unthought  before  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         209 

Nay  strange  suspicions  now  began 
To  seize  upon  the  inner  man  ; 
And  ere  he  could  arrange  his  view 
Of  what  it  now  were  best  to  do, 
About  the  door  a  certain  stir 
Announc'd  a  two-fold  visitor. 
The  elder  said,  "  Sir,  if  you  please, 
Permit  me  to  present  my  niece." 
But  the  prim  lady  scarce  had  spoke, 
When,  in  a  voice  like  raven's  croak, 
Another  said,  "  I  here  attend, 
As  counsellor  to  this  my  friend, 
Who  for  your  sake  would  feel  a  pride 
In  laying  widow's  weeds  aside." 
Another  at  that  moment  came, 
A  somewhat  of  a  dashing  dame  : 
"  My  daughter,  Sir,  I  here  present, 
The  excess  of  all  accomplishment." 
— Syntax  observing  on  each  face 
A  certain  smother  of  grimace, 
"  Pat,  I  command  you  keep  the  door, 
Nor  entrance  give  to  any  more," 
He  then  exclaim'd,  "and  now  I  pray, 
What,  ladies  fair,  have  you  to  say  ?  " 
— In  a  strange  kind  of  bustling  fuss, 
They  in  succession  answer'd  thus  : 
" — I  am  first  cousin  to  a  Lord, 
And  therefore  claim  your  earliest  word." 
"  My  niece  is  of  superior  age, 
And  should  the  first  your  ear  engage." 
*  — My  child  is  youngest  of  the  three, 
As  at  a  glance,  Sir,  you  may  see, 
And  if  you  'bide  by  Love's  decorum, 
She,  Doctor,  should  be  heard  before  'em." 
" — Ladies,"  he  said,  "I  plainly  see 
The  tricks  that  you  would  play  with  me. 
VOL  in. — 14 


2io  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

In  all  that's  said,  in  all  that's  done, 
I  see  'tis  Mistress  Briskit's  fun ; 
I  feel  I  am  a  very  fool, 
And  well  deserve  your  ridicule  ; 
But  if  you  do  not  quickly  go, 
A  Constable  the  way  shall  show." 
"  — Was  ever  any  thing  so  rude  ! 
Was  ever  such  ingratitude  !  " 
About  the  room  their  tongues  resounded  : 
And  'twas  confusion  worse  confounded. 
"  We  came  not  here  for  nought  you  know, 
And  we  will  kiss  you  ere  we  go ; 
For  though  we  do  not  gain  our  ends, 
Pray,  sweet  Sir,  let  us  part  as  friends, 
We  only  claim  what  is  our  due, 
And  each  expects  a  kiss  from  you." 
—The  Doctor  did  defence  prepare, 
And  barricadoed  with  a  chair, 
But  what,  alas,  was  to  be  done, 
'Twas  fearful  odds,  'twas  six  to  one. 
Thus  they  the  angry  Sage  assail'd, 
He  kick'd  and  fought,  but  they  prevail'd. 
Urg'd  by  his  passion  as  by  shame, 
Thus  loudly  did  the  Sage  exclaim  : 
"  Pat,  turn  these  beldames  out  I  pray, 

0  make  them,  make  them  brush  away, 
By  any  means,  or  smooth  or  rough, 

1  care  not  how  you  get  them  off." 
Says  Pat,  "  I  hear,  Sir,  your  commands, 
I'll  take  the  ladies  off  your  hands  ! 
And  now  I  beg,  my  pretty  dears, 
That  you  will  lay  aside  your  fears  ; 

I'll  do  your  ladyship  no  harm, 
I'll  kiss  you  well,  and  make  you  warm. 
So  come  along  my  sweetest  honeys, 
For  love  like  mine  hates  ceremonies." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         211 

He  kept  his  word  with  no  small  bustling, 

Muslins  were  torn,  and  silks  were  rustling, 

And  as  they  glided  tow'rds  the  stair,  "j 

He  smack' d  and  clapp'd  each  passing  fair,      j- 

But  the  muse  must  not  mention  where. 

— Pat,  who  was  now  in  all  his  glory 

Thus  hurried  onward  with  his  story. 

"  Sir,  as  the  party  went  down  stairs 

With  frowning  looks  and  humbled  airs, 

And  halted  on  the  landing-places, 

To  brush  up  their  disorder'd  graces, 

I  bid  them  send  their  Mrs.  Briskit 

Just  to  visit  us  and  frisk  it, 

As  we  had  a  rod  in  pickling, 

To  give  her  fancy  such  a  tickling, 

That  with  all  her  fine  pretences, 

Would  soon  restore  her  to  her  senses. 

Something  of  this  kind  she  will  play, 

As  her  maids  told  me,  ev'ry  day. 

Nay,  would  you  think,  Sir,  this  sweet  jewel, 

Once  drove  her  husband  to  a  duel ; 

Who  stood  a  shot  to  make  amends 

For  her  mad  fits  of  odds  and  ends  !  " 

" — All's  well  that  ends  well,  honest  Pat, 

So  we  will  think  no  more  of  that," 

The  Doctor  said,  and,  tir'd  of  riot, 

He  sought  the  sofa's  lulling  quiet, 

Resign'd  to  sleep's  oblivious  power, 

'Till  time  announc'd  the  dinner  hour. 

It  may  have  been  before  observ'd, 
The  Doctor's  stomach  never  swerv'd 
From  all  those  duties,  morn  or  night, 
Which  wait  on  genuine  appetite  ; 
His  spirits  therefore  now  had  gain'd 
The  strength  by  dainty  food  attain'd  ; 


2i2  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  as  he  did  the  goblet  quaff, 
He  found  himself  dispos'd  to  laugh, 
And  not  to  think  with  fretful  spleen 
At  the  past  morning's  senseless  scene, 
Though  with  self-taunting  ridicule, 
He  would  just  call  himself  a  fool. 
This  evening  he  was  quite  alone, 
Patrick  and  Mrs.  Broom  were  gone, 
And,  as  he  pac'd  the  chamber  floor, 
His  journey  past  he  ponder'd  o'er  : 
And  though  his  hopes  it  did  not  crown, 
Yet  many  pleasures,  he  must  own, 
He  had  in  its  long  circuit  known  ; 
Mix'd  up  indeed  with  various  whim, 
That  was  familiar  quite  to  him. 
For  he  still  felt  the  Quixote  spirit, 
Which  he  was  destin'd  to  inherit 
From  his  long-past,  e'en  boyish  age, 
To  that  which  now  had  dubb'd  him  sage. 
— He  had  his  little  business  done, 
And  it  was  time  he  should  be  gone : 
Still  he  another  week  would  stay, 
And  for  his  mere  amusement  stray 
About  this  wond'rous  town,  to  see 
What  wakens  curiosity. 
Nor  was  this  all,  poor  Punch  had  died, 
Her  vacant  stall  must  be  supplied  ; 
And,  now  his  mind  was  more  at  ease, 
On  the  fair  Artist's  power  to  please 
He  dwelt,  and  on  the  ample  measure 
She  could  dispense  of  solid  pleasure, 
So  that  he  did,  at  least,  refer 
A  day  to  reason  and  to  her. 
— Thus  as  he  turned  his  projects  o'er, 
A  rap  resounded  at  the  door. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          213 

"  Well !   Well !  "  he  thought,  "  what  can  this  be, 

To  break  in  on  my  reverie  ? 

Old  Vellum  ne'er  so  late  would  come, 

As  'tis  his  time  for  gadding  home." 

He  op'd  the  door,  and  'gan  to  stare, 

For  lo,  no  visitor  was  there  ; 

But,  looking  onward  to  the  floor, 

There  was  a  basket  cover'd  o'er 

With  a  warm  blanket,  which  remov'd, 

The  covering  of  an  infant  prov'd  : 

There  a  sweet,  lovely  baby  slept, 

And  look'd  as  if  it  ne'er  had  wept. 

Syntax,  now  all  amazement,  said, 

Or  rather  lift  his  hands  and  pray'd  : 

"  O  save  me,  Heaven,  what  shall  I  do  ?  "        1 

Exclaiming,  on  a  closer  view, 

"And  Heaven  I  trust  will  save  thee  too  !  " 

A  neighbouring  Lawyer  op'd  his  door, 

The  exclamation  to  explore, 

When  Syntax,  all  amazement,  said, 

"  Here  at  my  door  a  child  is  laid." 

"Well,"  the  Attorney  then  replied, 

"  By  no  law  is  it  specified 

That  you're  oblig'd  to  take  it  in." 

"  But  think,"  said  Syntax,  "  what  a  sin 

To  leave  the  infant  here  to  lie 

Throughout  the  night — perhaps  to  die  ! 

It  would  be  murder  in  my  creed, 

And  my  heart  shudders  at  the  deed." 

The  Lawyer  then  withdrew  his  light, 

Said,  "Wish  you  joy,  and  so  good  night." 

— A  message  soon  reach'd  Mrs.  Broom, 

With  orders  instantly  to  come. 

Short  was  her  period  of  complying, 

For  she  thought  Syntax  must  be  dying ; 


2i4  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  when  she  came  and  found  him  well, 

How  she  began  her  joy  to  tell. 

"  But  then,  Sir,  why  this  mighty  hurry  ? 

I  really  am  in  such  a  flurry  !  " 

"  It  is  the  same,"  he  said,  "  with  me,          "I 

Beneath  that  cloth  the  cause  you'll  see." 

And  then  he  told  the  history. 

"  O,  "  she  exclaim'd,  "  the  wretched  creature, 

That  thus  could  violate  her  nature  ! 

Indeed  Sir,  it  may  not  be  civil, 

But  such  a  mother  is  a  devil !  " 

"  Good  Mrs.  Broom,  that  may  be  true, 

But  say  what  are  we  now  to  do, 

For  we  must  instantly  prepare 

To  make  this  innocent  our  care." 

"  O  'tis  a  charming  babe,"  she  said, 

"  As  ever  was  in  cradle  laid. 

O  such  a  cherub  to  destroy — 

But  is  it,  Sir,  a  girl  or  boy  ? " 

The  Sage  replied,  "  pray  look  and  see, 

For  that  is  yet  unknown  to  me." 

She  on  her  nose  the  glasses  plac'd, 

And  the  sweet,  sleeping  figure  trac'd  ; 

"  O,"  she  exclaim'd,  "  the  truth  I  scan  ; 

When  he  grows  up  he'll  be  a  man  ! 

'Tis  well,  Sir,  that  it  is  no  worse, 

For  I  now  know  a  ready  nurse, 

And  ere  that  you  are  gone  to  rest 

The  babe  shall  find  a  milky  breast." 

The  Doctor  then  the  foundling  eyed, 

And  thus  in  soften'd  tones  replied  : 

"  Let  the  same  tender  love  be  shown 

As  if  the  infant  were  my  own  : 

I  leave  the  creature  to  thy  care, 

Nor  cost  nor  fondest  caution  spare." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          215 

He  kiss'd  the  infant  as  it  went, 

Then  smil'd,  for  goodness  beam'd  content. 

— 'Twas  a  droll  day,  few  such  we  see, 

But  such  the  Doctor's  destiny. 

At  morn,  three  would-be  wives  besought  him ; 

At  night  a  new-born  child  was  brought  him : 

But  these  strange  haps  did  not  molest 

The  tranquil  temper  of  his  breast ; 

Nor  did  it  cause  a  wakeful  eye, 

When  the  slow,  midnight  hour  drew  nigh. 

— Sweet  are  the  slumbers  of  the  good, 

And  Syntax  slept  as  virtue  should. 


The  morning  came  and  Pat  appear'd, 
Full  of  the  story  he  had  heard, 
With  feelings  of  parental  care 
But  still  of  anger  no  small  share 
'Gainst  those  that  brought  the  infant  there. 
He  did  not  fear  the  child  would  perish, 
He  knew  there  was  a  heart  to  cherish, 
Nor  ever  to  the  parish  send  it, 
But  where  'twas  left  would  there  befriend  it. 
— At  length  there  with  the  laundress  came 
An  humble,  curtsying,  comely  dame, 
Of  pleasing  aspect,  neatly  dress'd, 
With  the  poor  foundling  at  her  breast, 
Where  active  instinct  seem'd  to  cling 
As  if  it  were  its  native  spring. 
"  Last  week,"  she  said,  "  I  lost  my  own, 
And  I  will  nurse  this  little  one 
With  all  the  fond  and  tender  care 
As  if  my  child  were  milking  there. 
Wrho  knows,  good  Sir,  but  on  my  word, 
I  think  its  sire  may  be  a  Lord. 


216  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Dear  heart,  the  linen  is  so  fine, 

And  work'd  with  such  a  nice  design, 

Nay,  here  and  there,  with  flow'rs  beset, 

My  fancy  sees  a  Coronet !  " 

"  Heaven,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  only  knows 

To  whom  the  babe  existence  owes  ; 

But  this  I  know,  and  will  not  spare, 

To  whom  it  owes  a  parent's  care : 

Therefore,  good  woman,  I  commend 

Its  wants  to  you,  and  pray  attend, 

As  if  thj  unconscious  infant  had 

Some  rake  of  tide  for  it's  dad, 

Who  for  your  service  paid  you  well, 

That  you  might  not  the  secret  tell. 

I  have  no  other  anxious  wish, 

But  from  the  full  and  flowing  dish 

Which  nature  gives  you,  it  may  share 

Its  wonted  meal,  with  ev'ry  care, 

'Till  the  due  weaning  hour  demands 

Encreas'd  attention  at  your  hands  ; 

When  I  shall  leave  a  faithful  friend 

Who  to  your  counsel  will  attend, 

And  whose  kind  power  is  well  prepar'd 

To  satisfy  and  to  reward. 

For,  while  I  live,  the  life  that  Heaven 

Has  thus  to  my  protection  given 

Shall  want  no  necessary  care 

That  Christian  duty  bids  prepare." 

The  nurse  each  promise  kind  profess'd, 

And  clasp'd  the  infant  to  her  breast ; 

While  Mrs.  Broom,  with  fond  surprise, 

Applied  her  apron  to  her  eyes. 

The  good  folks  wept  and  then  they  smil'd, 

Bless'd  the  good  deed  and  kiss'd  the  child  ; 

Nor  took  their  leaves  with  signs  of  sorrow, 

When  told  to  bring  him  there  to-morrow. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         217 

Syntax,  who  felt  his  tutor'd  heart 
Was  doubly  fitted  to  impart 
Those  higher  feelings  which  bestow 
The  wish  to  lessen  human  woe, 
Or  do  their  active  powers  employ 
To  aid  the  flow  of  human  joy, 
Bade  his  thoughts  range  that  they  might  find 
A  spot  just  suited  to  his  mind  ; 
If  not,  to  pass  the  day  alone 
Was  a  resource  to  him  well  known. 
But  'twas  not  long  ere  reason's  voice, 
With  pleasure  join'd,  declar'd  the  choice. 
Miss  PALLET'S  study  was  the  place 
Where  he  should  find  a  smiling  face, 
Which  would  with  brighten'd  eye  declare 
An  unaffected  welcome  there. 
— He  went,  she  saw,  and  rang  the  bell, 
When  she  was  heard  aloud  to  tell 
Th'  attendant  maid,  "let  who  will  come, 
Remember  I  am  not  at  home. 
'Tis  a  vain  moment  I  allow," 
She  added,  "  but  I  would  bestow 
If  such  a  phrase  I  dare  avow, 
A  day  upon  my  learned  friend, 
Which  his  warm  favour  may  commend, 
And  in  his  kind  remembrance  shine, 
As  it  will  ever  do  in  mine." 
— Here  the  delighted  Doctor  sat 
In  grave  debate  or  lively  chat, 
With  no  vain  folly  to  deride  him, 
But  with  attention's  ear  beside  him 
And  such  a  mind,  where  he  could  pour 
His  sage  instructions,  treasur'd  lore  ; 
Nay,  whence  'twould  be  return'd  again 
In  accents  soft  and  humble  strain. 


218  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

At  length  fish,  ham  and  roasted  chicken, 

With  peas  and  tart,  form'd  pretty  picking  : 

Nor  was  there  wanting  port  or  sherry, 

Which  would  have  made  him  more  than  merry, 

If  he  had  wanted  mode  or  measure 

To  aid  his  sense  of  present  pleasure. 

Miss  too  from  Pat  contriv'd  to  glean 

That,  to  complete  the  social  scene, 

A  pipe  the  afternoon  would  bless 

With  unexpected  happiness : 

And  when  she  did  the  tube  command, 

He  bent  the  knee  and  kiss'd  the  hand 

That  did  the  cherish'd  gift  present, 

Which  gave  perfection  to  content. 

— Such  was  the  sentimental  duet ; 

With  pleasure  does  my  fancy  view  it : 

The  wise,  the  kind  instructor  he, 

The  pleas'd,  attentive  list'ner  she  ; 

Receiving  all  his  words  pursued 

With  beaming  smiles  of  gratitude. 

She  was  a  fine,  accomplish'd  creature, 

A  student  of  those  powers  of  nature, 

That  clothe  the  earth  and  charm  the  eye 

With  ravishing  variety : 

And  though  with  sister  arts  endow'd, 

She  was  too  virtuous  to  be  proud, 

But  kept  the  course  we  seldom  see,     } 

From  ev'ry  vain  pretension  free, 

And  grac'd  with  calm  humility. 

They  talk'd  of  arts — the  room  around 

Did  with  fine  specimens  abound  ; 

And  e'en  the  window  open'd  wide     1 

On  rising  hills  and  flowing  tide, 

Which  her  fine  pencil  gave  to  hide      | 

An  old,  beplaster'd  dismal  wall 

That  cross'd  th'  opposing  interval. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          219 

— Her  beauty  was  a  certain  grace 

That  play'd  about  her  air  and  face, 

And  a  mark'd  unassuming  sense 

Was  cloth'd  with  artless  eloquence  : 

While  his  Quixotic  praise  enshrin'd 

The  embellish'd  pictures  of  her  mind. 

Nor  did  they  thoughts  on  Love  deny, 

When  the  fair  Artist  heav'd  a  sigh, 

Though  she  ne'er  ventur'd  to  explain 

The  cause  of  her  resistless  pain  : 

She  only  said  she  must  endure  it, 

And  that  hope  told  her  time  would  cure  it. 

E'en  by  her  silence  it  was  shown 

That  her  fond  heart  was  not  her  own. 

So  that  if  he  did  then  incline 

To  say,  "I  wish  thou  wouldst  be  mine," 

He  saw  and  heard  enough  to  prove, 

'Twas  not  for  him  to  offer  love. 


With  Syntax  and  his  Idol  mlo 
Who  would  not  wish  to  form  a  trio  ! 
When,  sometimes  grave  and  sometimes  gay, 
The  lengthen'd  evening  pass'd  away. 
— The  Doctor  was  forewarn'd  by  pride 
Ma'am  Briskit's  impudence  to  hide, 
And,  therefore,  he  made  nothing  known 
Of  folly  he  had  blush'd  to  own  ; 
But  with  a  tear  and  half  a  smile 
That  did  his  feelings  reconcile, 
He  told  the  foundling's  curious  lot, 
And  what  a  present  he  had  got. 
By  some  it  would  be  thought  distressing, 
But  he — that  it  would  prove  a  blessing — 
A  blessing  where  a  power  was  given 
T'  obey  the  first  command  of  Heaven, 


220  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  like  th'  Egyptian  princess,  save 

An  outcast  infant  from  the  grave. 

"  Yes,  yes,"  he  said,  "  it  shall  receive 

Each  fond  attention  I  can  give, 

And  'till  a  parent  comes  to  claim 

The  rights  of  a  parental  name, 

I  will  my  sense  of  duty  prove, 

Nor  shall  it  want  a  parent's  love  : 

And  if,  my  dear,  and  charming  friend 

You  to  its  state  would  condescend, 

If  your  blest  charity  would  share,          ] 

Or  watch,  at  least,  the  nurse's  care, 

'Till  it  grows  into  strength  to  bear       J 

A  journey  to  my  tranquil  home, 

Where  you,  I  trust,  will  one  day  come, 

I  will  before  Heaven's  altar  plead, 

To  bless  you  for  the  virtuous  deed  !  " 

"  Fear  not,"  she  said,  with  moisten'd  eye, 

"  My  friendship  or  my  chanty  ; 

And,  when  the  spring's  returning  hours, 

Shall  clothe  with  green  your  peaceful  bowers, 

The  babe  in  all  its  cherish'd  charms 

Shall  fill  its  foster-father's  arms." 

— The  time  now  came  when  they  must  part 

With  mutual  wishes  of  the  heart. 

The  fair-one,  with  a  modest  grace, 

Receiv'd  the  Doctor's  kind  embrace, 

With  promise  to  embrace  again, 

Ere  he  set  off  for  SOMMERDEN. 


Next  morn  he  ask'd  the  child  to  see, 
And  all  was  as  it  ought  to  be : 
But,  as  the  time  was  drawing  on 
When  he  had  settled  to  be  gone, 


i 


IN  bEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          221 

It  now  becam      ;is  anxious  care  1 

The  loss  unl     .c'd  for  to  repair 

Of  Punch.        t  dear,  departed  mare.     J 

His  breath,     paper  told  the  tale, 

At  Hyde-Pai  k-Corner,  of  a  sale, 

Where  he  'ndulg'd  the  hope  to  find 

A  beast  of  burden  to  his  mind. 

Bays,  che,nuts,  blacks  and  greys  were  shown, 

Or  for  th*.  road,  or  field,  or  town, 

And         ?tout  mare  he  chanc'd  to  see, 

Which  secm'd  to  suit  him  to  a  T  : 

Nay,  while  he  on  the  creature  gaz'd, 

He  heard  its  ev'ry  action  prais'd 

By  ce,      n  busy  jockey  buyers, 

Whc       ik'd  too  honest  to  be  liars. 

He  baae — the  mare  was  soon  his  own, 

The  money  paid,  the  bus'ness  done, 

And  he  in  gay  equestrian  pride 

Forth  from  the  yard  was  seen  to  ride : 

But  soon  his  sad  mistake  was  found ; 

He  ne'er  had  ask'd  if  she  were  sound. 

— What  was  the  mischief  of  her  nature, 

Or  what  vagary  seiz'd  the  creature ; 

What  trick  her  hinder  parts  assail, 

Or  prickly  branch  to  wound  her  tail, 

Which  stable  frolic  might  impel, 

Though  I  suspect,  I  cannot  tell, 

But  she  set  off  at  such  a  rate  ^ 

That,  as  she  pass'd  the  turnpike  gate, 

The  toll-man  well  nigh  met  his  fate.       J 

Away  the  hat  and  peruke  flew, 

A  cabbage-merchant  he  o'erthrew  ; 

And  while  the  dame  was  sprawling  laid, 

Her  angry  donkey  kick'd  and  bray'd  : 

Nay,  nought  could  check  the  wild  mare's  rage 

But  running  headlong  'gainst  a  stage, 


222  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Which  caus'd  a  scene  of  strange  distress, 

That  language  knows  not  to  express. 

Half  breathless  and  with  naked  pate 

Syntax  on  his  mad  palfrey  sat ; 

While  she  at  length  obey'd  the  reins, 

Stopp'd  by  the  shock  which  shook  her  brains. 

The  inner  passengers  alarm'd, 

Scream'd  from  affright,  though  none  were  harm'd  ; 

While  from  the  dickey  and  the  roof 

Was  heard  the  loud  and  coarse  reproof, 

Mix'd  with  loud  laugh  and  scoffing  groan, 

As  the  unconscious  coach  drove  on. 

The  Doctor,  with  astonish'd  air, 

Dismounted  from  the  trembling  mare, 

And  soon,  alas,  was  taught  to  find 

Th'  unwelcome  secret — she  was  blind  ! 

'Tis  well  that,  for  the  Doctor's  cost, 

No  limb  was  broke,  no  life  was  lost, 

And  half-a-score  of  shillings  paid 

For  all  the  tricks  that  had  been  play'd, 

The  wand' ring  hat  and  wig  were  sought, 

Which  on  a  poor  sweep's  head  were  brought ; 

Who  met  them  on  his  road  to  town, 

And  proudly  wore  them  as  his  own. 

— Just  in  the  midst  of  this  disaster, 

Pat  had  now  haply  reach'd  his  master. 

And,  with  the  sightless  mare,  they  sought 

The  place  where  she  had  just  been  bought ; 

When  Syntax  loudly  'gan  to  preach 

Or  rather  to  let  forth  a  speech, 

When  he  so  talk'd  of  rogues  and  cheating, 

That  certain  horsewhips  threaten'd  beating  : 

But  Pat  stood  forth  and  boldly  vow'd, 

Whoever  such  an  insult  show'd 

Should  ne'er  again  speak  out  a  threat, 

Or  lift  an  angry  hand  to  beat, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          223 

Wielding  a  pretty  piece  of  wood 

That  would  have  made  his  promise  good. 

But  as  he  still  continued  railing 

And  in  harsh  terms  the  place  assailing, 

Nay,  did  in  venom'd  language  strike 

Buyers  and  sellers  all  alike, 

The  Doctor  might  have  found  disgrace 

Among  the  sharp-set  jockey  race ; 

But  so  it  was,  a  friend  was  nigh 

To  calm  his  rash  perplexity — 

The  kind  and  friendly  Baronet, 

Whom  he  some  years  ago  had  met 

In  his  first  journey  to  the  North, 

And  known  for  opulence  and  worth, 

Who,  shaking  Syntax  by  the  hand, 

Could  scarce  a  bursting  laugh  command, 

Thinking  to  what  a  market  he 

Had  brought  his  learn'd  philosophy, 

And  in  his  Greek  and  Latin  trade 

What  a  blind  purchase  he  had  made. 

"  My  wonder  there  is  no  concealing," 

The  Knight  exclaim'd,  "to  find  you  dealing 

In  this  far-fam'd  equestrian  college, 

Where  all  your  stores  of  various  knowledge 

Would  be  as  useless  as  the  stone 

Which  you  now  chance  to  stand  upon. 

But  now,  my  friend,  take  no  more  care 

About  this  awkward,  strange  affair. 

I  am  a  Yorkshireman,  and  breed 

For  this  same  market  many  a  steed, 

And  I,  my  rev'rend  friend,  will  see 

Into  this  same  rascality  : 

I  will  take  care  that  you  shall  find 

The  bus'ness  settled  to  your  mind. 

1  therefore  counsel  you  to  pop 

Your  head  in  some  Bookseller's  shop, 


224  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  there  your  vacant  time  amuse 
'Till  four,  with  chit-chat  or  the  news  ; 
Then  for  my  dinner  pray  prepare,  1 

On  the  south-side  of  Portman-Square,      > 
And  let  your  servant  too  be  there." 
"  Thank  you,  good  Sir,  and  I  obey," 
Was  all  the  Doctor  had  to  say. 
Suffice  it,  at  the  hour  of  four,  1 

Sir  John  receiv'd  him  at  his  door, 
With  "your  foul,  ugly  matter's  o'er.     J 
I've  swapp'd  your  grey  mare  for  a  bay, 
And  you  have  not  a  doit  to  pay : 
A  useful,  handsome,  traveling  hack, 
As  e'er  had  Doctor  on  its  back  ; 
And  if  your  sturdy  valet's  come, 
He  may  now  mount  and  take  her  home." 
Orders  were  given,  and  smiling  Pat, 
With  many  a  doffing  of  his  hat, 
Was  quickly  seen  with  sprightly  air 
Trotting  the  purchase  'cross  the  square. 


Syntax,  with  all  that  powerful  feeling 
Which  good  hearts  catch  from  gen'rous  dealing, 
Said  little,  rather  he  said  nought ; 
His  mind,  involv'd  in  grateful  thought, 
Check'd  the  quick  impulse  of  his  tongue, 
'Till,  dinner  o'er,  the  glasses  rung  ; 
When  Burgundy  and  brisk  Champagne 
Awoke  the  gay,  convivial  strain. 
The  Doctor  told  his  hist'ry  o'er, 
Sir  John  delighted  wish'd  for  more, 
And  Time,  as  it  was  growing  late, 
Broke  up  at  length  the  tete-a-tete. 
But  ere  the  well-fed  Doctor  went, 
Contented  he,  his  host  content, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         225 

The  latter  did  his  wishes  tell 
Before  he  said,  good-night,  farewell ! 
"  You  say,  that  ere  three  days  are  past 
You  tow'rds  your  northern  home  must  haste  ; 
Now  let  me  tell  you,  ere  a  day 
Is  clos'd,  as  you  pursue  your  way, 
You  will  a  stately  mansion  see, 
Where  you  must  stop  and  ask  for  me. 
There  dwells  a  noble  Lord,  whose  worth 
Equals  your  patron's  in  the  North, 
And  as  a  truth  I'm  pleas'd  to  tell, 
Whom  I  admire  and  love  as  well. 
In  him  the  image  you  will  see 
Of  noble  hospitality ; 
By  whom  your  worth  will  be  discern'd 
And  learning  known,  for  he  is  learn'd. 
To-morrow  I  this  place  shall  seek, 
Where  I  prepare  to  pass  a  week, 
And  you  will  do  yourself  much  wrong, 
If  you  remain  not  there  as  long  ; 
Nay,  I  myself  will  smooth  the  way, 
Or  for  your  short  or  longer  stay." 
— Syntax,  revolving  in  his  mind 
Honour  and  luxury  combin'd, 
And  where  his  dazzled  eyes  would  see 
Life,  in  its  rich  embroidery, 
Express'd  in  a  most  joyous  measure 
Both  his  obedience  and  his  pleasure. 
— He  took  his  leave — the  hour  was  late, 
As  he  return'd  through  Gray's-Inn-Gate, 
When  he  found  Pat  his  vigils  keeping, 
In  snoring  and  most  soundly  sleeping, 
Who,  after  many  a  hurried  shake 
That  did  th'  o'erpow'ring  stupor  wake, 
Would  in  exulting  tones  declare 
The  virtues  of  the  purchas'd  mare, 
VOL.  in. — 15 


226  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Whom  all  announc'd  as  safe  and  sound, 
And  must  have  cost  full  three-score  pound. 
This  and  much  more: — "Have  done!  havedone!' 
Syntax  exclaim'd,  "the  clock  strikes  one  !  " 
When,  with  the  day's  fatigue  opprest, 
His  bed  he  sought  and  sunk  to  rest. 


The  morrow  was  a  busy  day  : 
For  his  departure  no  delay 
Th'  impatient  Doctor  would  admit : 
London  he  now  resolv'd  to  quit ; 
Nay,  thought  it  could  not  be  too  soon, 
Why  not  that  very  afternoon  ? 
To  Pat  he  made  his  wishes  known, 
With  orders  that  all  might  be  done, 
To  quicken  the  departing  hour 
Which  would  commence  his  homeward  tour. 
But  Pat  just  hinted  they  must  stay 
For  packing  due  another  day, 
As  the  soil'd  linen  was  just  sent 
To  wash-tub's  cleansing  management, 
And  certain  clothes,  from  rents  and  tears, 
Were  at  the  taylor's  for  repairs. 
Now,  as  th'  unwelcome  truths  he  told, 
The  room-door  open'd  and  behold 
Good  Mrs.  Broom — when  with  her  came 
The  smirking,  curtsying,  comely  dame, 
Who,  smiling  on  the  foundling's  charms, 
Would  place  it  in  the  Doctor's  arms. 
He,  half-afraid  and  half-asham'd, 
Refus'd  the  boon,  when  she  exclaim'd, 
"  You  need  not  fear,  depend  upon't 
You've  held  five  hundred  at  the  font, 
And  do  not,  Sir,  look  grave  and  frown, 
I'm  sure  you'll  love  it  as  your  own." 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          227 

It  was  not  that  his  heart  relented 

Or  of  his  charity  repented  ; 

But  that  he  saw  another  cause 

In  present  haste  to  make  a  pause 

That  a  whole  day  might  be  beguil'd 

In  some  provision  for  the  child. 

At  length,  howe'er,  the  babe  he  kiss'd, 

And  when  he  had  the  charge  dismiss'd, 

He  told  the  laundress  to  apply 

To  the  parochial  ministry, 

That  ev'ry  sacred  rite  be  done, 

And  the  poor  child  be  christen'd  JOHN-. 

He  order'd  too,  that  twice  each  week, 

The  nurse  would  dear  Miss  Pallet  seek, 

Who  would  o'er  all  his  wants  preside, 

As  a  kind  patroness  and  guide. 

"  But  let  me  ask,  for,  in  this  town," 

The  Doctor  said,  "strange  things  are  done, 

How    shall     I     know,     when,     brought    to 

me, 

It  is  the  self-same  child  I  see ; 
And  that  the  foundling  does  not  come 
A  changeling  to  my  distant  home  !  " 
"  Fear  not,"  she  answer'd,  "  I  will  show 
A  sign  by  which  the  child  you'll  know : 
It  is  not  in  the  baby's  face, 
Nor  do  I  chuse  to  name  the  place  : 
A  Strawberry,  as  blushing  red 
As  when  it  ripens  on  its  bed, 
Does  on  a  certain  part  appear, 
Though  I,  Sir,  must  not  tell  you  where  ; 
Nay,  it  is  such  a  curious  mark, 
That  you  may  feel  it  in  the  dark. 
The  mother,  when  encreas'd  in  waist, 
Long'd  I  suppose  the  fruit  to  taste, 


228  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And,  as  her  wish  was  not  obtain'd, 
Th'  unconscious  child  this  mark  has  gain'd. 
—When  I  was  big,  Sir,  with  my  Stephen, 
Who  now  is  singing  hymns  in  Heaven, 
I  long'd  for  Pork — I'm  not  mistaken, 
And  the  dear  child  was  mark'd  with  Bacon  : 
Nay,  at  the  time  when  beans  were  ripe 
It  grew  more  like  its  prototype, 
And  never  fail'd  to  meet  the  eye 
In  vegetating  sympathy. 
The  mother's  longing  makes  it  so 
As  Doctors  say — and  they  should  know." 


The  Sage,  who  was  his  coffee  taking, 
Laugh'd  'till  his  very  sides  were  shaking  ; 
And,  waken'd  to  a  lively  key, 
By  Goody  Broom's  philosophy, 
He  lost  at  once  his  teasing  sense 
Of  hurry  and  impatience, 
And  thus  determin'd  to  delay 
His  journey  to  another  day  ; 
And  with  Miss  Pallet  to  enjoy, 
Without  allay,  without  alloy, 
The  hours  that  might  remain  his  own 
Ere  he  forsook  the  smoky  town. 
To  her  his  willing  steps  he  bent, 
And  as  her  list'ning  ear  she  lent, 
He  told  his  plans,  unveil'd  his  cares, 
Display'd  what  were  his  hopes  and  fears, 
His  purpose  ne'er  again  to  roam 
From  his  lake-side  and  pleasant  home  ; 
Nor  more  indulge  in  fancy's  dream, 
Nor  let  the  air-built  flatt'ring  scheme 
Of  worldly  interest  turn  aside 
His  mind  from  reason  as  its  guide ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          229 

But  while  th'  allotted  moments  pass, 
As  the  sands  lessen  in  the  glass, 
By  duty's  ordinance  to  move 
In  the  strait  path  of  social  love  ; 
T'enjoy  the  various  good  that's  given, 
To  seek  and  teach  the  way  to  heaven, 
And  cheerful  view  the  curtain  fall — 
The  common  fate  that  waits  us  all. 


I  do  not  mean  to  reason,  why 
('Tisnot  in  my  philosophy) 
A  dainty  dinner  meal  inherits 
The  power  to  elevate  the  spirits  ; 
But  this  I  know,  that  Syntax  never 
Appear'd  so  lively  or  so  clever, 
As  when  he  found  superior  work 
For  the  display  of  knife  and  fork  : 
Thus  when  the  Lady's  dinner  came, 
The  mild  and  sentimental  flame 
By  lively  sallies  was  suppress'd 
And  yielded  to  the  active  zest 
Which,  at  the  table  and  long  after, 
Made  dear  Miss  Pallet  burst  with  laughter. 
But,  as  the  time  drew  nigh  to  part, 
More  solemn  thoughts  resum'd  his  heart, 
And  the  fair  Artist  thus  combin'd 
The  sense  of  her  reflecting  mind. 
"  — Your  high  renown,  dear  Sir,  for  learning, 
Is  far  beyond  my  weak  discerning  ; 
But  still  I  surely  may  aspire 
To  feel  as  well  as  to  admire 
The  eloquence  and  brilliant  wit 
That  does  each  rising  object  fit ; 
And  humour  that  ne'er  passes  by 
The  ofFer'd  opportunity. 


230  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Yet  I  must  own,  that  I  prefer 
The  dignity  of  character, 
Which,  leaving  frolic  out  of  sight, 
Does  the  mind's  higher  taste  delight ; 
The  nobler  sense  which  virtue  loves, 
And  while  it  pleasure  gives  improves  ; 
Becalms  the  pressing  sense  of  pain, 
When  fun  plays  all  its  tricks  in  vain : 
Nay,  e'en  in  sorrow's  mournful  hour, 
It  offers  its  consoling  power  ; 
And  though  tears  glisten  in  the  eyes, 
The  heart  in  smiles  will  sympathise. 
— The  tale  that  does  our  feelings  soften 
Cannot  be  heard  or  read  too  often ; 
m     But  laughing  tricks,  however  treated, 
Are  stupid  always  when  repeated : 
When  novelty  no  more  supplies 
The  quick  sensation  of  surprise, 
The  joke  grows  dull  nor  will  beguile 
The  forewarn'd  list'ner  e'en  to  smile. 
The  proverb  says,  there's  nought  so  stale, 
So  stupid  as  a  twice  told  tale. 
Unless  it  has  a  higher  bent, 
When  rais'd  and  gemm'd  by  sentiment, 
Then  'twill  repeated  pleasure  give, 
While  the  heart  melts  and  virtues  live  : 
And  you  ne'er  please  my  mind  so  much, 
As  when  on  those  high  points  you  touch 
Which  the  soul's  brighter  flights  display 
That  bear  me  from  myself  away. 
But  you  command  the  two-fold  power : 
The  solemn  and  the  lively  hour 
Alike,  in  pleasing  change,  submit 
Or  to  your  wisdom  or  your  wit ; 
And,  with  rare  energies  combin'd, 
You  rule  the  muscles  and  the  mind. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          231 

Within  the  hour  that's  passing  by        ~| 
My  heart  has  felt  a  heav'nly  sigh, 
And  laughter  moisten'd  either  eye  :     J 
But  though  my  higher  feelings  bend 
To  the  grave  maxims  you  commend, 
Believe  me,  I  am  nothing  loth 
In  season  due  to  feel  them  both." 


This  and  much  more  the  Doctor  heard, 
When  he  his  foundling's  suit  preferr'd, 
And  as  he  urg'd  her  heart  to  move 
With  pitying  and  protecting  love, 
She  said  her  utmost  to  content  him 
About   the    child   whom    Heaven    had    sent 

him, 

And  to  repay  her  gen'rous  care, 
Ask'd  but  his  blessing  and  his  prayer. 
That  blessing  from  his  heart  was  given, 
And  his  prayer  crav'd  the  grace  of  Heaven  : 
For  well  he  knew  that  pious  prayer 
Is  sure  to  find  admission  there : 
And  he  had  learn'd  the  happy  way, 
Both  how  to  bless  and  how  to  pray. 
— A  warm  embrace,  a  fond  adieu, 
Clos'd  this  kind-hearted  interview, 
With  hopes  of  time  so  charming,  when 
They  both  should  meet  at  SOMMERDEN. 


The  morning  of  the  following  day 
Did  by  its  hurrying  scene  betray 
His  wild  impatience  to  be  gone 
From  this  ungenial,  smoky  town. 
Once  more  he  saw  the  foundling  press'd 
To  the  fond  nurse's  welcome  breast. 


232  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  view'd  with  scrutinizing  eye 
The  spot  mark'd  by  the  Strawberry. 

His  bills  were  then  cast  up  and  paid, 
And  gen'rous  presents  duly  made, 
When  Mrs.  Broom,  with  added  zeal, 
Prepar'd  once  more  his  dainty  meal : 
Thus  did  he  in  contentment  dine, 
And  cocker'd  up  with  hope  and  wine, 
He  felt  the  evening,  as  the  last, 
Must  be  with  friendly  Vellum  past. 
Nor  did  the  Doctor  fail  to  go 
To  the  bright  region  of  the  Row  ; 
There  tifPd  his  punch  and  talk'd  and  smok'd, 
Was  sometimes  grave  and  sometimes  jok'd  ; 
But  when  he  ventur'd  to  explore 
Th'  adventure  at  the  chamber  door, 
And  'gan  to  tell  the  curious  tale, 
Vellum  cried  hush  !  and,  like  a  snail, 
Mov'd  slowly  onward,  as  in  search 
Of  some  one  waiting  in  the  lurch. 
At  length  he  said,  "  It  is  most  true,      1 
The  secret  I  may  tell  to  you, 
I  wish'd  to  keep  my  wife  in  view  :       J 
I  sought  with  caution  to  find  out 
What  my  good  woman  was  about ; 
For,  I  believe,  in  human  nature, 
There  ne'er  was  such  a  curious  creature, 
So  fond  to  place  a  list'ning  ear 
Where'er  she  may  a  secret  hear : 
But  as  a  meagrim  in  her  head 
Has  sent  her  to  an  early  bed, 
You  may,  my  Rev'rend  Sir,  proceed, 
And  tell  of  this  irrev'rent  deed." 
— Syntax  proceeded  to  unveil 
The  strange  and  unexpected  tale, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          233 

Nor,  from  false  shame  or  awkward  pride, 

Did  he  his  real  feelings  hide  : 

Nay,  told,  with  an  expressive  eye, 

Where  last  he  saw  a  Strawberry. 

"  — Mercy,"  said  Vellum,  "  if  my  dear 

Had  caught  a  tithe  of  what  I  hear, 

0  what  a  blessed  curtain  lecture 
Might  my  foreboding  fears  conjecture  ! 
She  would,  by  jealousy  beguil'd, 
Have  made  me  father  of  the  child, 
And  sworn  that  you,  to  hide  my  sin, 
Had  ta'en  th'  adult'rous  bantling  in. 
You  hear  Paul's  clock  now  striking  ten, 
And  'till  that  hour  is  struck  again, 
When  the  grave  bus'ness  of  the  day 
Must  call  me  from  her  tongue  away, 
She  would  not  those  revilings  cease 
Which  interrupt  domestic  peace, 

And  ev'ry  child  she  heard  or  view'd 

Would  have  the  painful  scene  renew'd. 

She  also  might,  to  aid  her  jeers, 

Have  beat  my  wig  about  my  ears, 

For  'tis,  to  you  the  truth  I  own, 

No  more  than  what  her  hand  has  done ; 

Nay,  from  the  pillows,  'tis  most  certain, 

I've  oft  been  shelter'd  by  the  curtain. 

Doctor,  that  matrimonial  ring 

I've  found  a  very  serious  thing  ! 

And  should  Poll  be  the  first  to  die, 

Should  that  be  Heav'n's  kind  destiny, 

That  ring  she  in  her  shroud  shall  wear, 

Nor  will  I  e'er  the  loss  repair : 

Nay,  when  this  symbol  death  shall  smother, 

1  swear  I  ne'er  will  buy  another. 

— If  you  had  said,  to  save  my  bacon, 
Dear  Madam,  you  are  quite  mistaken, 


234          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

You're  not  to  Vellum's  virtue  just, 

And  wrongfully  his  love  mistrust, 

As  I  explain  the  facts  to  you, 

The  story's  literally  true  ; 

Had  you  said  this  and  even  more 

Her  tranquil  spirit  to  restore, 

You  would  have  heard  this  warm  reply, 

'  Doctor  !   I  tell  you,  Sir,  YOU  LIE  !  ' 

— Not  all  the  water  in  the  streams 

That  swell  the  flow  of  silver  Thames, 

No,  nor  the  Thames,  in  all  its  pride, 

When  heighten'd  by  the  Ocean's  tide, 

No,  nor  all  the  power  of  reason, 

Would  cleanse  me  from  the  fancied  treason." 

— Syntax  did  not  the  subject  press, 

But  smil'd  and  wish'd  him  all  success 

In  ev'ry  scheme  of  passing  life, 

That  might  embrace  or  books  or  wife : 

When  Vellum  thus,  in  flatt'ring  strain, 

Did  certain  gainful  views  maintain. 

"  — Genius  like  yours,  profound,  refin'd, 

Inspiring  such  an  active  mind, 

Cannot  sit  still  beneath  the  shade 

Which  your  name  has  immortal  made, 

But  must  in  those  pursuits  engage 

Which  both  improve  and  charm  the  age, 

And  I  my  services  commend 

To  my  learn'd  patron  and  my  friend  ; 

From  whom  I've  had  a  letter'd  store, 

And  only  want  a  little  more." 

"  'Tis  very  true,"  replied  the  Sage, 

*'  That  I  have  many  a  scatter'd  page, 

Which  I  may  still  collect  together, 

In  wint'ry  nights  and  rainy  weather : 

But  as  I  think  again  in  town 

My  time-worn  phiz  will  not  be  shown, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          235 

You  for  your  own,  or  for  my  sake, 
Or  both  perhaps,  a  tour  must  make, 
And  fetch  the  Learning  from  the  Lake."      J 
—Thus  with  kind  words  from  head  and  heart, 
These  friendly  folk  were  seen  to  part : 
Vellum's  rich  hopes  were  running  o'er, 
And  Syntax  gain'd  an  added  store 
To  what  from  Sommerden  he  brought,      ~j 
When  he,  with  nuptial  fancies  fraught,       > 
The  promis'd  smiles  of  Hymen  sought.     J 
— As  he  pass'd  on,  St.  Paul's  hoarse  bell 
Struck,  as  he  said,  the  welcome  knell 
Of  his  departure,  to  regain 
The  blessings  of  his  Sylvan  reign, 
Impress'd  with  this  delightful  thought, 
A  calm  but  short  night's  rest  he  sought. 


236  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 


CANTO  XXXVIII 

'  I  *HE  morning  smil'd,  and  ere  the  clock 

Had  the  mark'd  hour  of  seven  struck, 
The  breakfast,  plac'd  in  order  due, 
Presented  plenty  to  their  view, 
For  Mrs.  Broom  had  taken  care 
What  the  time  could  allow  was  there  ; 
And,  on  the  journey,  should  they  feel 
To  munch  a  jig-jog  trav'lling  meal, 
A  sausage,  big  as  one-pound  rocket, 
Had  found  its  way  to  Patrick's  pocket, 
With  such  assistances  as  might 
Give  relish  to  the  passing  bite. 
The  nurse  and  foundling  too  were  there, 
To  hear  a  blessing  and  a  prayer 
For  those  propitious  smiles  of  Heaven 
Which  oft  to  pious  hopes  are  given. 
What  pass'd  besides,  I  need  not  tell, 
The  words  were  kind,  and  meant  farewell. 

The  Doctor  now  bestrode  his  mare, 
And  calmly  mov'd  across  the  Square, 
But  soon  more  gaily  trotted  on, 
And  as  he  pass'd  through  Highgate  town, 
In  pensive  gaze  he  wander'd  o'er 
A  scene  he  should  behold  no  more, 
And  felt  inspired  to  invoke  } 

St.  Paul's  high  dome,  but,  ere  he  spoke, 
Its  noble  form  was  lost  in  smoke  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          237 

Nor  did  his  Muse  or  mind  agree 
To  praise  what  he  no  more  could  see. 
Besides,  the  creature  he  bestrode 
Was  not  for  thinking  on  the  road ; 
She  was  of  an  high-mettled  breed, 
An  eager-pacing,  lively  steed, 
Active,  but  a  well-temper'd  creature, 
Sprightly  her  name,  as  was  her  nature  ; 
Not  as  old  Grizzle  e'er  had  been, 
And  as  poor  Punch  was  lately  seen, 
To  sober  paces  early  taught, 
On  whom  the  rider's  serious  thought 
Might  be  indulg'd,  from  trotting  free, 
In  silence  or  soliloquy. 
It  seem'd  her  wish,  as  was  her  power, 
To  trot  eight  miles  within  the  hour. 
Without  a  touch  of  whip  or  spur 
To  set  her  motions  on  the  stir : 
Nay,  'twas  alone  the  tighten'd  rein 
That  could  her  quick'ning  steps  restrain. 


The  earlier  hours  of  morn  were  past, 
When  speed  repress'd,  there  came  at  last, 
To  suit  the  Sage,  the  tranquil  hour 
When  thought  could  re-assume  its  power, 
And  the  calm  spirit  of  his  breast 
Thus  weigh'd  the  feelings  it  possess'd  : 
"  In'-this  same  matrimonial  dance 
It  seems  I  stand  but  little  chance : 
As  for  the  widows  I  have  seen, 
They  rather  serv'd  my  mind  to  wean 
From  cheering  hopes  of  those  delights 
Which  ought  to  flow  from  marriage  rites. 
Whoe'er  those  curious  dames  may  find 
In  matrimonial  bonds  to  bind, 


238  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

If  charms  in  them  they  chance  to  see, 
Must  have  far  difPrent  tastes  from  me. 
In  London  I  soon  found  'twas  vain 
For  me  to  try  a  bride  to  gain  : 
Alas,  how  I  was  there  beguil'd  ! 
I  gain'd  no  "wife,  but  found  a  child. 
The  Darling  PALLET  might  have  prov'd 
An  object  worthy  to  be  lov'd : 
But  soon  the  fair-one  made  it  known 
That  her  warm  heart  was  not  her  own  ; 
Nor  could  I  hope,  had  it  been  free, 
She  would  bestow  that  heart  on  me. 
With  charms  she  does  from  nature  claim, 
And  fortune  waiting  upon  fame, 
To  favour  I  could  ne'er  pretend 
But  as  a  fond,  admiring  friend. — 
Such  then  has  been  my  outward  tour  ;     ^ 
Nor  can  I  hope  from  fortune's  store, 
My  journey  home  will  give  me  more.      J 
— In  such  a  semi-grumbling  tone 
He  mutter'd  as  he  travell'd  on  ; 
When,  to  his  unexpecting  eyes, 
High  spiry  tow'rs  appear'd  to  rise, 
That  crown'd  a  noble  mansion's  state 
Whose  ancient  figure  mark'd  the  date 
Of  grandeur,  which  worth  could  attain 
In  our  Eliza's  glorious  reign. 
He  view'd  the  woods  that  spread  around 
The  wide  extent  of  various  ground, 
The  verdant  lawns,  th'  embosom'd  glades 
Which  court  the  branchy,  sylvan  shades  ; 
The  crystal  stream  that  winds  between, 
And,  where  it  flows,  reflects  the  scene, 
Enliven'd  by  the  dappled  breed, 
Whose  ranging  herd  unnumber'd  feed. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          239 

Scarce  need  I  say  his  eye  pursued, 

With  warm  delight,  the  place  he  view'd. 

— Now  Syntax,  though  in  humble  state. 

Bent  him  not  low  to  rich  or  great, 

Unless  their  virtues  did  supply 

Life's  more  commanding  dignity. 

He  felt  the  honour  that  was  due 

To  station,  and  he  paid  it  too  ; 

But  would  scarce  yield  a  flatt'ring  word 

To  one  who  was  a  mere  MY  LORD. 

He  knew  that  wealth  well  understood 

Has  ample  powers  of  doing  good. 

He  therefore  bent  the  willing  knee, 

Where  it  flowed  forth  in  charity  ; 

But  he  could  the  rich  man  disdain 

Whose  coffers  overflow'd  in  vain  ; 

And  titled  greatness  he  defied 

Which  dealt  forth  scorn  and  cherish'd  pride. 

Hence  he,  in  calm  parsonic  state, 

Approach'd  the  lordly  mansion  gate, 

With  neither  more  nor  less  of  fame  "| 

Than  he  was  conscious  he  could  claim,     V 

Due  to  a  pious  pastor's  name. 

There,  'neath  a  grand  antique  arcade, 

For  coolness  or  reflection  made, 

He  saw  Sir  John,  on  thought  intent, 

Who  'gainst  a  Gothic  column  leant : 

The  Lord  of  this  so  princely  place 

Was  walking  by  with  solemn  grace  ; 

For  on  his  breast  was  seen  from  far 

The  glitt'ring  of  his  silver  star. 

This  Syntax  saw  through  branches  green, 

Before  that  he  himself  was  seen  : 

But  soon  as  his  known  form  appear'd 

The  Knight  aloud  the  Doctor  cheer'd, 


24o  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

Nor  was  my  Lord  a  whit  behind 

In  words  that  mark'd  a  welcome  kind, 

And  promise  of  the  friendly  care 

That  waited  his  reception  there. 

"Doctor,"  he  said,  "you  now  are  come, 

To  where,  I  tell  you,  «  be  at  home  ' : 

And  if  you  wish  your  host  to  please, 

O  let  him  see  you  quite  at  ease ! 

Nay,  I  will  take  it  more  than  kind, 

If  by  no  needless  form  confin'd, 

You  will  pursue  your  willing  pleasure 

According  to  your  fancied  measure. 

The  life  we  lead  here,  you  will  see, 

Is  not  without  variety  : 

Consult  your  fancy  then  and  chuse 

Whate'er  around  will  best  amuse. 

Such  is  the  wish  that  I  make  known, 

And  now  I  leave  you  to  Sir  John  ; 

Who  will  to  all  your  thoughts  attend, 

As  your  good  Cicerone  friend." 

— All  this  kind  ceremony  done, 

Syntax  was  to  his  chamber  shown, 

Where  Patrick  waited  to  prepare 

The  toilette  with  attentive  care, 

For  much  he  wish'd  his  skill  to  show, 

In  turning  Syntax  to  a  beau. 

"  I  must,"  he  said,  "  try  all  my  art, 

To  make  your  Rev'rence  very  smart  : 

A  valet's  skill  I  long  since  knew 

In  the  gay  camp  and  quarters  too  ; 

For  here  are  ladies  I  have  seen 

Each  of  them  fine  as  any  queen, 

And  therefore,  Sir,  you  must  be  dress'd 

To-day,  at  least,  in  all  your  best." — 

"  Then  be  it  so,"  the  Sage  replied, 

"  Yours  is  an  honest  proper  pride, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          241 

Nor  do  I  now,  good  Pat,  conceal 
How  I  approve  your  active  zeal : 
So  turn  all  out,  and  let  me  see 
My  better  show  of  drapery." 
— This  done,  Pat  labour'd  to  unfurl 
The  wig  into  a  dropping  curl, 
That  done,  and  nicely  powder'd  o'er, 
It  was  a  grizzle  wig  no  more. 
— The  neat,  new  pumps,  in  London  made, 
By  a  fam'd  artist  in  his  trade, 
And  the  silk  hose  then  took  their  turn, 
Which  feet  and  legs  had  never  worn  ; 
With  a  canonic  suit  of  black, 
That  had  but  twice  adorn'd  his  back. 
His  long  chin  Syntax  self  had  shear'd 
Of  a  stiff  three  days'  grisly  beard  ; 
Then  scrubb'd  with  soap,  whose  fine  perfume 
Distill'd  a  fragrance  through  the  room. 
Pat  to  his  neckcloth  gave  an  air 
In  style  and  a  la  militaire  : 
His  pocket  too  a  'kerchief  bore 
With  scented  water  sprinkled  o'er. 
Thus  bang'd  up,  sweeten'd  and  clean-shav'd, 
The  Sage  the  dinner-table  brav'd  : 
Between  two  beauties  he  was  seated, 
And  with  such  kind  attention  greeted, 
That  he  could  not  have  hop'd  for  more, 
Had  he  rich  Durham's  mitre  bore. 
As  he  drew  in  his  chair  he  bow'd, 
When,  looking  on  each  side  he  vow'd, 
He  felt  himself  a  coat  of  arms, 
Supported  by  angelic  charms. 
Thus  with  fine  sentiments  he  warm'd  ; 
With  his  gay,  brilliant  sallies  charm'd, 
And,  by  his  Quixote  tales,  gave  birth 
From  time  to  time,  to  such  keen  mirth 
VOL.  in. — 16 


242  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

That  the  high  Lady  of  the  feast 
Declar'd  he  in  himself  possess'd 
The  leading  powers  that  impart 
Perfection  to  dramatic  art ; 
That  his  bold,  lofty  thoughts  rehearse 
The  tragic  dignity  of  verse  ; 
That  in  his  sketches  after  nature 
There's  Comedy  in  ev'ry  feature, 
And  in  his  stories  Farce  appears, 
Broad  laugh  to  wake  almost  to  tears. 
Nor  did  my  Lady  think  alone  ; 
The  thought  was  that  of  ev'ry  one. 


Three  days  were  past,  and  not  a  void 
Was  known  in  pleasure  unemploy'd  : 
Luxurious  plenty  crown'd  the  board, 
And  reason  was  the  sov' reign  lord 
That  did  the  splendid  scene  controul  ; — 
Whether  it  were  the  flow  of  soul, 
Or  fancy's  sport,  or  active  play, 
Time  pass'd  delightfully  away, 
And  Syntax  was  rejoic'd  to  see 
He  added  to  the  gaiety. 
— Among  the  rest,  the  jovial  chace 
Was  a  known  pleasure  of  the  place, 
And  he  by  his  kind  Lady  friend 
Was  warmly  summoned  to  attend 
As  her  Equerry  in  the  field  : 
To  her  commands  most  proud  to  yield, 
He  there  appear'd,  in  sprightly  glee, 
Be-capp'd  in  due  conformity  ; 
For,  to  give  him  a  sportsman's  air, 
Some  fair  hand  did  his  cap  prepare. 
He  canter'd  by  my  Lady's  side 
Who  undertook  to  be  his  guide  ; 


I 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          243 

But  when  the  hounds  had  caught  the  scent 

Swift  as  the  wind  my  Lady  went : 

She  was  the  Dian  of  the  day, 

O'er  hill  and  dale  she  brush'd  away, 

And  left  the  Doctor  to  pursue 

The  pack,  which  never  caught  his  view. 

But  whether  that  he  could  not  keep 

His  saddle  as  he  took  a  leap, 

Or  by  what  strange  mischance  he  fell, 

He  could  not,  or  he  would  not  tell : 

Between  two  banks  he  was  seen  sprawling, 

And  loud  enough  for  mercy  calling. 

He  found  himself  'midst  prickly  bushes, 

Half  smother'd  with  dead  leaves  and  rushes  ; 

While  sportsmen,  as  he  shudder'd  there, 

Pass'd  all  above  him  through  the  air ; 

Like  an  old  broomstick-mounted  witch, 

They  each  flew  o'er  him  in  the  ditch, 

Exclaiming,  "  Sir,  lie  snug  and  warm, 

And  you'll  not  come  to  any  harm  !  " 

But  when  he  thought  they  all  were  over, 

He  scrambled  mainly  from  his  cover. 

His  rambling  horse  was  quickly  caught, 

When  he  the  welcome  mansion  sought, 

Bespatter'd  o'er  with  mud  and  dirt, 

But  sound  in  limb  and  quite  unhurt ; 

And  in  the  luncheon's  morning  ration 

He  sought  and  found  his  recreation. 


My  Lady  had  the  story  heard, 
And  when  at  dinner  she  appear' d, 
Enquired  as  if  she  nothing  knew 
How  he  had  kept  from  out  her  view, 
And  what  he  with  himself  had  done 
Throughout  the  morning's  glorious  run 


244           TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

He  told  his  tale,  'twas  such  a  treat, 

That  they  could  scarcely  drink  or  eat, 

It  produc'd  such  food  for  laughter 

Both  during  dinner  and  long  after, 

"  When  you  put  on  your  wings  and  flew, 

And  vanish'd  quickly  from  my  view, 

Forc'd  to  my  fortune  to  submit, 

I  fell,"  he  said,  "  into  a  pit ; 

And  such  appear'd  my  wretched  birth, 

I  thought  that  I  had  run  to  earth, 

And  should  require  no  other  aid 

Than  an  old  sexton  and  a  spade." 

"Well,"  said  my  Lord,  "no  sport  shall  break 

Or  even  risk  the  Doctor's  neck, 

For  the  next  hunting  morning,  he       1 

Shall  pass  his  better  hours  with  me      > 

In  hunting  through  my  library." 

"Alas,  my  Lord,"  the  Doctor  said, 

"  I  wish  that  you  could  be  obey'd, 

But  I  must  add  that,  to  my  sorrow, 

My  sporting  here  will  end  to-morrow  : 

For  I  have  other  game  in  view, 

Another  chace  I  must  pursue : 

I,  my  good  Lord,  must  cease  to  roam, 

And  turn  my  willing  steps  tow'rds  home. 

I  there  have  friends  to  whom  I  owe     1 

The  ev'ry  comfort  which  I  know, 

And  they  a  kind  impatience  show 

To  see  their  Pastor  once  again 

Among  his  flock  at  Sommerden." 

"  — I'm  sorry,  if  it  must  be  so," 

A  soft  voice  said,  "  but  ere  you  go, 

Try  to  persuade  your  friend  Sir  John 

To  take  a  wife,  nor  live  alone. 

He  has  great  wealth  and  ancient  birth, 

And  is  possess'd  of  real  worth, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         245 

Yet  so  wrong-headed  he  prefers 

To  swell  the  list  of  bachelors. 

I  tell  you,  Doctor,  what  is  true, 

And  now  I  leave  him,  Sir,  to  you." 

Syntax  replied — "I  will  obey — 

And  now,  Sir  Knight,  mind  what  I  say. 

I'm  but  an  organ  rather  rude 

Of  one  most  excellently  good, 

Though,  as  I  speak  by  her  decree, 

I  claim  all  due  authority. 

— I  have  been  married  and  can  state 

The  pleasures  that  on  marriage  wait ; 

I  know  what  'tis  to  lose  a  wife, 

The  pride  and  comfort  of  my  life  ; 

Nor  does  a  day  pass  o'er  my  head, 

But  I  lament  my  Dolly  dead  : 

Then  listen  as  your  Syntax  preaches 

The  doctrine  his  experience  teaches. 

Of  wisest  maxims  this  is  one, 

It  is  not  good  to  live  alone : 

Tis  grievous  through  life's  path  to  stray      } 

Without  companions  on  the  way  ; 

If  it  were  only  thus  to  say  : 

How  very  glorious  is  the  sight, 

Now  the  sun,  in  its  utmost  height, 

Tinges  with  gold  the  wood-clad  hill, 

While  its  beams  glisten  on  the  rill ! 

— With  what  a  grace  that  myrtle  grows  ! 

How  fragrant  is  that  op'ning  rose  ! 

How  sweet  the  bird  that  does  prolong 

The  vernal  ev'ning  with  a  song  ! 

But  O  what  joy  their  hearts  will  prove, 

Who,  as  they  journey,  say,  We  love  ! 

— When  ills  the  married  pair  betide, 

Each  feels  a  comfort  or  a  guide : 


246  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  we  will  not  exceptions  make 
Which  captious  minds  may  chuse  to  take  : 
And  if  a  marriage  proves  a  pain, 
If  it  should  feel  a  galling  chain, 
It  is  the  fault  of  those  who  bear  it ; 
They  forge  it  first  before  they  wear  it : 
They  merit  all  that  they  endure 
Who  feel  the  evils  they  could  cure. 
When  ills  assail,  who  has  not  seen 
That  sufferings  have  lessen'd  been, 
When  they  participation  prove 
From  friendship,  tenderness  or  love? 
How  soon  the  fretful  pain  grows  less, 
When  kind  hearts  share  in  the  distress  : 
Nay  sorrow  almost  disappears, 
When  each  wipes  off  the  other's  tears  : 
'Tis  better,  though  it  still  annoys, 
Than  many  things  the  world  calls  joys. 
The  wifeless  man  retains  his  pleasure 
But  a  short  time,  whate'er  its  measure  ; 
And  his  vexations  all  grow  stronger, 
Nay,  which  is  worse,  they  last  the  longer : 
While  he  who  has  a  tender  heart 
In  a  wife's  breast,  and  will  impart 
All  that  he  feels  within  his  own, 
The  cheering  thought,  the  sigh,  the  moan, 
Will  two-fold  ev'ry  pleasure  know 
And  take  but  half  his  share  of  woe." 
— Sir  John  replied  with  gentle  grace, 
But  smile  sarcastic  on  his  face  : 
"  All  this  is  very  fine  you  say 
About  life's  matrimonial  way, 
Where,  though  sometimes  a  flow' ret  blows, 
Yet  there  are  prickles  on  the  rose ; 
And  may  we  not  have  cause  to  mourn, 
When  we  are  wounded  by  a  thorn  ? 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          247 

But  then,  besides  these  self-same  thorns, 

Hymen  is  sometimes  crown'd  with  horns." 

" — Whose  fault  is  that?"  Syntax  replied, 

"  Treat  your  wife  always  as  a  bride, 

And  let  your  honeymoon  survive, 

'Till  one  or  other  cease  to  live. 

Be  good,  be  kind,  love  as  you  ought, 

The  wife  will  rarely  be  in  fault : 

'Tis  want  of  husband's  love  and  care 

That  plants  those  ugly  branches  there. 

O  cultivate  the  nuptial  soil 

With  fond  affection's  anxious  toil ; 

Where,  if  love's  fragrant  flowers  you  sow, 

Nor  Thorns  nor  Horns  will  ever  grow. 

And  now,  my  worthy  friend,  Sir  John, 

My  grave,  appointed  task  is  done." — 

He  ceas'd  and  bow'd,  when,  all  around, 

Praise  did  in  ev'ry  form  abound : 

The  ladies  scream'd  out  with  applause 

For  pleading  thus  the  female  cause : 

While  one  from  off  her  finger  took 

A  ring,  and  with  a  gracious  look 

Bade  him  the  brilliant  trifle  take 

And  wear  it  for  her  sex's  sake : 

While  Sir  John  said,  "  my  shame  to  smother,' 

Accept,  I  pray  you,  such  another. 

Impute  it  to  my  stupid  brain 

That  thus  you  preach,  and  preach  in  vain. 

The  time  may  come  when  Cupid's  arrow 

May  set  in  flow  my  frozen  marrow ; 

Or  when  bright  eyes  their  beams  may  dart, 

And  wake  my  now  too  slumb'ring  heart : 

Then,  when  to  marry  is  my  lot, 

I'll  send  to  you  to  tie  the  knot." 

— Thus  the  enliven'd  ev'ning  pass'd 

And  all  were  sorry  'twas  the  last ; 


248  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  not  alone  the  Doctor's  sense, 
His  scholarship  and  eloquence 
Had  given  the  hours  a  quicker  flow 
Than  common  conversations  do  ; 
But  he  possess'd  the  power  to  please 
By  his  mild  eccentricities. 
— The  parting  words  were  very  kind, 
Nor  in  the  common  form  design'd, 
Just  to  be  civil  and  no  more, 
To  be  forgot  the  following  hour  ; 
But  such  as  were  to  virtue  due, 
And  were  the  boon  of  friendship  too. 


The  following  morn  and  when  the  sun 
Had  scarce  three  hours  his  course  begun, 
Syntax  was  trotting  on  his  way, 
And  a  long  journey  clos'd  the  day : 
Nor  was  it  'till  the  third  day's  end 
That  he  shook  hands  with  DICKEY  BEND. 
— Here  he  well  knew  he  could  impart 
The  secret  wishes  of  his  heart ; 
Here  tell  his  late  adventures  o'er 
And  all  his  future  hopes  explore, 
While  friendship  would  its  aid  prepare 
To  grant  the  wish  or  soothe  the  care. 
Nor  did  he  for  a  day  postpone 
To  make  his  hopes  and  wishes  known. — 
The  provost  answer'd  : — "  My  dear  friend, 
You  know  full  well  you  may  depend 
On  all  that  I  can  say  or  do 
To  forward  the  important  view, 
That  I  may  venture  to  presage 
Does  your  whole  anxious  mind  engage. 
You  wish  another  wife  to  gain, 
Nor  will  the  wish  be  made  in  vain, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          249 

If,  as  I  hope,  you  will  approve 

The  lady  offer'd  to  your  love. 

Of  my  dear  wife  a  friend  most  dear 

To-morrow  is  expected  here  ; 

Who,  if  I  do  not  greatly  err, 

In  manners,  form,  and  character 

Is  just  the  fair  you  would  prefer.      J 

You  will  not  startle,  if  'tis  said 

She  may  be  call'd  an  ancient  maid, 

But  then,  to  give  the  maid  her  due, 

My  friend,  she's  young  enough  for  you, 

Of  my  wife's  age,  and  to  be  free, 

My  wife  is  young  enough  for  me. 

If  the  Divine  and  learned  Sage 

Wishes  a  plaything  for  his  age, 

She's  still  so  fashion'd  as  to  prove 

What  reason  can  demand  of  love. 

She  has  enough  of  what  is  good 

To  fill  your  void  of  widowhood  ; 

A  lady  bred,  and,  I  can  tell, 

She  tickles  the  piano  well : 

And  truly,  speaking  of  the  heart, 

Her  bosom  bears  your  counterpart. 

There's  fortune  too,  a  pretty  thing, 

T'  enrich  the  matrimonial  ring. 

Her  nuptial  prospects  have  miscarried, 

But  still  she  wishes  to  be  married ; 

And  my  wife  says  it  is  her  aim 

To  bear  a  known  and  learned  name  : 

A  fact,  I  think,  the  truth  secures, 

When  I  declare  that  name  is  yours." 

Syntax  exclaim'd,  "Aye,  this  would  do  !      1 

'Tis  a  fair  prospect  to  the  view, 

But  my  stars  must  be  rul'd  by  you." 

— The  following  day  the  lady  came  : 

Nor  need  I  tell  her  maiden  name, 


250  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

For  ere  a  week  or  so  was  o'er 

That  maiden  name  was  hers  no  more. 

On  the  third  day  kind  Mrs.  Bend, 

Who  with  both,  as  a  mutual  friend, 

Had  talk'd  the  important  matter  over, 

Presented  Syntax  as  a  lover  ; 

While  Dickey  whisper'd,  "push  it  well, 

And  you'll  soon  bear  away  the  belle ; 

Let  her  know  all  that  you  can  do  ; 

And  Miss,  fear  not,  will  buckle  to." — 

The  lady,  as  for  many  a  year 

Soft  things  were  strangers  to  her  ear, 

Seem'd  to  be  carried  by  surprise, 

For  high-flown  thoughts  and  gentle  sighs 

Possess'd,  it  seems,  the  wish'd-for  power, 

And  she  said  AYE  within  the  hour, 

Nay,  on  the  third  or  fourth  day  after, 

They  were  both  noos'd  in  Hymen's  garter. 

— Nought    now    was    heard    but   Love   and 

Dear, 

My  Dear  go  there  !   my  Love  come  here  ! 
And,  since  it  is  such  charming  weather, 
O  let  us  take  a  stroll  together  ! 
While  she  would  sing  to  some  fine  tune, 
"  Our  life  shall  be  one  honeymoon." 
Thus  it  appear'd,  and  Dickey  Bend 
Rejoic'd  to  see  his  happy  friend  ; 
And  only  wish'd  the  joy  might  last 
When  many  a  future  year  was  past. 
— Patrick  to  Sommerden  was  sent 
To  tell  the  tale  of  this  event, 
And  to  employ  his  utmost  care 
How  to  receive  the  nuptial  pair. 
He  with  great  glee  the  tidings  carried : 
And  that  his  Reverence  was  married 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          251 

Did  ev'ry  village  tongue  employ 

To  tell  its  wonder  and  its  joy. 

The  WORTHIES  were  but  lately  come 

Back  to  their  long  deserted  home, 

And  felt  it  as  a  sad  disaster 

To  be  without  their  much-lov'd  pastor : 

But  still  it  touch'd  a  doubtful  string 

The  kind  of  wife  that  he  would  bring. — 

Syntax  to  his  friends  had  written, 

"  That  he  had  been  by  reason  smitten  ; 

That  he  was  not  so  very  stupid 

As  to  play  a  game  with  Cupid  ; 

But  he  had  found  a  proper  wife 

Who,  he  believ'd,  would  through  his  life 

Strive  to  exert  her  various  powers 

In  quickening  his  slow-pacing  hours, 

And  that  'twould  be  her  constant  aim 

To  be  an  honour  to  his  name : 

She,  he  was  sure,  would  gain  her  ends, 

To  charm  himself  and  please  his  friends." — 

Pat,  who  had  seen  both  great  and  small, 

Was  ask'd,  and  he  confirm'd  it  all. 

*'  A  lady  of  genteeler  air," 

He  said,  "  was  not  seen  anywhere  ; 

Nor  is  there  one  about  the  Lake 

Who  will  a  better  figure  make  : 

On  Thursday  next  they  will  be  here, 

And  the  whole  parish  will  appear 

In  its  best  figure  and  array, 

To  celebrate  the  holiday, 

When  my  dear  master  comes  again 

With  his  fine  Bride  to  Sommerden." 


The  day  arriv'd,  the  sun  shone  bright, 
And  ev'ry  face  gay  with  delight, 


252  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  motley  crowd  were  seen  to  wait 
Impatient  at  the  village  gate ; 
And  when  the  expected  pair  appear'd, 
One  gen'ral  voice  of  joy  was  heard. 
The  Bride,  whose  tonish  inclination 
Attended  to  the  ruling  fashion, 
To  make  her  entry  had  bedress'd 
Her  upright  form  in  all  her  best, 
And  thought  it  a  becoming  care 
To  make  the  natives  gaze  and  stare. 
The  plumage  nodded  from  her  head, 
Her  pale  cheeks  wore  a  tint  of  red  ; 
And,  as  the  carriage  pass'd  along, 
She  bow'd  to  the  admiring  throng : 
Nay,  scatter'd  silver  'mong  the  boys 
Whose  huzzas  join'd  the  jovial  noise. 
Some  lin'd  the  paths  beside  the  road, 
And  some  the  way  with  branches  strew'd. 
Four  damsels  of  superior  grace, 
The  humble  beauties  of  the  place, 
By  Worthy's  care  all  clad  in  white, 
With  rose-red  ribbons  gay  bedight, 
A  garland  bore,  whose  flow'rs  combine 
To  make  the  nuptial  symbol  fine ; 
And  Sal  and  Kate  and  Doll  and  Betty 
Were  never  known  to  look  so  pretty  ; 
While  many  a  tender  village  swain 
View'd  them  and  own'd  a  lover's  pain. 
The  steeple  bells  were  loudly  ringing, 
The  parish  choir  preceded  singing, 
Accompanied  by  fifes  and  drums, 
"  Behold  the  conq'ring  hero  comes." 
Ma'am  own'd  she  felt  no  small  delight 
At  this  unlook'd-for  rural  sight, 
But  felt  it  more  because  it  prov'd 
How  much  the  Doctor  was  belov'd. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          253 

— The  long  procession  mov'd  on  strait     "| 
To  the  old  hall's  wide  op'ning  gate, 
Where  Worthy  and  his  charming  mate       J 
Stood  with  kind  smiles  upon  their  faces, 
And  their  known  hospitable  graces, 
The  married  couple  to  receive 
With  the  best  welcome  they  could  give. — 
"  The  husband,"  Syntax  said,  "  commends 
His  dear  wife  to  his  best  of  friends." — 
"  The  love  we  to  that  husband  bear 
That  dear  wife  will  most  fondly  share." 
The  'Squire  replied;  when  to  her  breast 
Madam  receiv'd  the  bridal  guest. 
— The  bride  at  once  felt  she  was  come 
To  where  she  found  an  instant  home : 
Such  cheerful  kindness  did  appear, 
The  wish  to  please  look'd  so  sincere, 
The  forms  which  well-bred  manners  boast 
Were  in  frank  ease  so  quickly  lost, 
That  ere  an  hour  or  two  were  o'er 
The  stranger  feel  was  felt  no  more ; 
And  Mrs.  Syntax  gladly  found, 
Ere  she  could  throw  her  thoughts  around, 
A  husband  kind,  by  all  belov'd, 
And  friends  her  heart  at  once  approv'd. 
— The  crowd  retreated  to  the  green, 
Where  a  sheep  roasting  whole  was  seen  ; 
And  many  a  stream  of  ale  encreas'd 
The  pleasure  of  the  joyous  feast ; 
While  song  and  dance  and  pastimes  gay 
Conclude  the  Hymeneal  day. 

Thus  hope  on  future  prospects  smil'd, 
Nor  was  it  of  its  views  beguil'd. 
The  higher  class  of  neighbours  came 
To  visit  the  new-married  dame, 


254  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  all  delighted  were  to  see 
The  Mistress  of  the  Rectory: 
Nay,  the  gay  Ladies  round  the  Lake 
Did  from  her  dress  the  fashion  take. 
At  first,  she  seem'd  but  stiff  and  starch, 
And  walk'd  as  upright  as  a  larch, 
But  she  knew  when  to  condescend 
And  to  the  due  occasion  bend. 
She  saw  that  former  modes  of  life 
Would  suit  not  with  a  Parson's  wife  ; 
She  therefore  pass'd  the  farmer's  gate 
And  chatted  with  his  flatter'd  mate  ; 
Would  ask  a  chair  and  sit  before 
The  threshold  of  the  cottage  door  ; 
Call  forth  the  children  from  within, 
And  stroke  the  head  and  chuck  the  chin, 
Praise  the  attentive  parents'  care, 
And  talk  of  favours  they  should  share, 
If  she  the  active  fruits  should  see 
Of  virtue  and  of  industry. 
Though  in  her  bounties  unrestrain'd, 
She  still  her  dignity  maintain'd  ; 
Though  she  would  at  the  cottage  call, 
And  talk  in  gentle  speech  to  all  ; 
Yet  when  she  thus  impos'd  her  law, 
Their  love  was  not  unmix'd  with  awe. 
Thus  she  assum'd  the  village  reign, 
Nor  did  she  bear  the  rule  in  vain  ; 
And  oft-times  both  the  WORTHIES  bless'd 
The  new-brought  treasure  they  possess'd. 
— Thus,  while  she  gave  the  village  place 
Another  and  a  better  face, 
Syntax  a  change  had  undergone, 
By  which  at  first  he  scarce  was  known. 
— He  now  a  varying  semblance  wore 
From  what  he  ever  seem'd  before. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          255 

He  now  a  diff'rent  form  was  seen,      1 

So  nicely  dress'd  and  always  clean, 

He  might  be  taken  for  a  Dean  : 

Besides,  as  Pat  was  heard  to  say, 

His  chin  was  clean-shav'd  ev'ry  day. 

Nay,  while  in  contemplative  mood, 

His  various  studies  he  pursued, 

Not  as  it  us'd  to  be  before, 

In  some  old  coat  to  threadbare  wore  : 

He  now  in  robe  of  purple  dye, 

Maintain'd  Canonic  dignity. 

His  gaiters  with  dust  cover'd  o'er 

Were  seen  upon  his  legs  no  more, 

But  when  he  rode,  the  top-boots  shone, 

Or  hussar'd  a  la  Wellington. 

The  squeez'd-up  hat  that  deck'd  his  brow 

Was  chang'd  to  solemn  beaver  now  : 

His  queer,  grey  caxon  laid  aside, 

A  smart  brown  wig  the  place  supplied, 

Which,  manag'd  well  with  comb  and  care, 

The  semblance  bore  of  native  hair. 

Thus  chang'd,  the  wond'ring  people  star'd, 

And  the  first  time  that  he  appear'd 

At  church  in  all  this  novel  gear, 

There  scarce  was  one  attentive  ear  ; 

The  gaping  wonder  and  surprise 

Forc'd  all  the  soul  into  the  eyes. 

— The  gentry  much  admir'd  the  art 

That  made  the  learned  sloven  smart ; 

And  all  around  approv'd  the  dame 

Who  quietly  contriv'd  the  same  : 

But  she  had  something  more  to  do, 

To  change  his  gen'ral  manners  too. 

— His  violin  was  not  unstrung, 

But  only  touch'd  when  Madam  sung  ; 

Or  when  the  Lady  chose  by  chance 

To  join  the  Worthies  in  a  dance : 


256  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

No  more  he  fiddled  to  the  people, 
When  they  bejigg'd  it  'neath  the  steeple ; 
No  more  he  prais'd  the  most  adroit, 
Who  urg'd  the  ball  or  threw  the  quoit ; 
But  still  the  people  all  around  him 
As  kind  and  friendly  ever  found  him, 
As  when  he  wore  a  six-days'  beard 
And  in  his  grizzle  wig  appear'd. 
He  still  smil'd  'mong  the  village  folk, 
Though  he  left  off  his  funny  joke  ; 
And  such  was  the  continual  good 
Which  they  in  word  or  deed  pursued, 
That  when  he  and  his  stately  Lady 
Stroll'd  round  the  village,  'twas  a  gay  day. 

The  winter  came,  the  winds  were  bleak, 
And  the  cold  breeze  blew  o'er  the  Lake, 
When  Madam  Syntax  never  stirr'd 
But  well  berufPd  and  well  befurr'd. 
While  the  Sage  was  to  public  view 
Wrapp'd-up  and  well  bemuffled  too. 
His  neck  was  bound  with  hairy  skin, 
That  form'd  a  pillow  for  his  chin  : 
So  careful  did  the  Dame  appear, 
To  guard  from  cold  her  swaddled  dear. 
— Some  hinted,  'twas  a  silly  whim, 
To  deck  the  Doctor  in  this  trim, 
And  make  him  look  so  like  a  bear 
Whose  skin  he  thus  was  seen  to  wear  ; 
But  that  these  fancies  prov'd  of  course 
The  Grey  Mare  was  the  better  Horse. 
How  that  might  be  I  cannot  tell, 
But  this  was  known — all  things  went  well, 
And  if  her  fancy  was  for  sway, 
She  rul'd  by  seeming  to  obey. 
The  WORTHIES  too,  who  Syntax  lov'd, 
The  new-born  changes  much  approv'd  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          257 

They  joy'd  to  see  his  alter'd  phiz, 
That  he  no  longer  was  a  quiz  ; 
And  were  delighted  at  the  plan 
That  made  him  look  a  Gentleman  ; 
That  his  exterior  might  not  err 
From  his  pure,  native  character. 

On  moonlight  nights  the  neighbours  round 
Or  music  or  card-parties  found, 
All  in  due  form  and  social  glee, 
Or  at  the  Hall  or  Rectory ; 
While  each,  in  some  kind  welcome  way, 
Did  hospitable  rites  repay. 
The  higher  show,  the  Christmas  ball, 
Were  the  display  of  Worthy- Hall ; 
While  lesser  pleasures  did  engage 
Th'  attentions  of  the  Parsonage  : 
But,  in  regard  and  kindness  shown, 
These  families  appear'd  as  one. 
— Thus  pleasantly  the  Winter  pass'd, 
When  lingering  Spring  arriv'd  at  last ; 
And  when  it  was  now  growing  gay 
With  the  sweet  offerings  of  May, 
A  Letter  to  the  Doctor  came 
Inscrib'd  with  sweet  Miss  PALLET'S  name. 

"  Tou  know,  DEAR  SIR,  I  did  intend 
To  pay  a  visit  to  my  friend. 
As  ivell  for  his  dear,  rev  rend  sake, 
As  to  steal  beauties  from  the  Lake, 
And  let  my  pencil  ramble  round 
The  charms  of  that  enchanted  ground. 
But  sage  discretion  bids  delay 
To  future  time  my  northern  'way  : 
for  I  had  promts' d  that  my  care 
To  Keswick's  side  the  child  should  bear  ; 

VOL.  in. — 17 


258  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

But  if  with  nurse  and  child  I  travel, 

A  score  of  tongues  'would  soon  unravel, 

By  scandal  tutor  d,  the  strange  sight 

Of  poor  Miss  Pallet's  distant  fight  ; 

And  all  the  spiteful  world  'would  join 

To  swear  the  little  Bantling's  mine. 

I  think  you  'will  'with  this  agree, 

And  praise  my  cautious  prudery, 

If  I  defer  my  course  to  steer 

To  Keswick  ' till  another  year. 

The  Boy's  a  perfect  Cherub  grown, 

And  the  good  nurse  will  bring  him  down  ; 

I  trust  'within  a  day  or  two  \ 

She  'will  her  northern  tour  pursue,       V 

And  soon  present  the  babe  to  you.        J 

But  though  his  is  a  'wayward fate, 

I  cannot  but  congratulate 

The  little  urchin,  since  he  shares 

In  your  kind  heart  a  parent's  cares  : 

And  be  assur'd,  my  Dear  Divine, 

That  he  has  gain'd  a  share  in  mine. 

My  best  respects  I  pray  make  known 

To  one  'whom  now  you  call  your  own  ; 

And  when  to  Heaven  you  urge  your  prayer, 

0  ask  its  all-protecting  care 

For  one,  who  does  her  name  commend 

To  the  remembrance  of  her  friend  ! 

That  name,  as  you've  been  us' d  to  call  it, 

Is  your  most  grateful, 

SARAH  PALLET.' 

In  a  few  days  the  bantling  came, 
Whom  now  we  Little  Johnny  name, 
And  Mrs.  Syntax  thought  the  story 
So  added  to  the  Doctor's  glory, 
That  she  seem'd  proud  of  Little  John, 
As  if  the  babe  had  been  her  own. 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          259 

Though  sprinkled  from  the  sacred  rill 

Of  parish-church  on  Holborn-Hill, 

She  would  it  were  baptis'd  again 

With  all  due  form  at  Sommerden  ; 

And  so  it  was,  when  Worthy' s  self 

Stood  sponsor  for  the  little  elf; 

And  Madam  Syntax  held  it  there 

With  promise  of  her  future  care. 

Each  ceremonial  rite  was  done, 

Again  the  child  was  christen'd  John  :      J- 

No  other  name,  alas  was  known. 

To  give  the  name  it  ought  to  bear,  \ 

No  parents  did  the  duty  share, 

Th'  unnat'ral  parents  were  not  there,       J 

But  such  as  happy  chance  had  sent, 

Or  Heaven  had  in  its  mercy  lent. 

— The  Register,  as  all  may  see, 

Records  th'  eventful  history. 

All  things  pass'd  on  in  that  calm  way 
Which  leaves  description  nought  to  say. 
— All  that  the  Doctor  found  of  leisure 
From  parish  cares  and  social  pleasure 
Was  to  his  Study's  toil  confin'd ; 
Where  ev'ry  impulse  of  his  mind 
Was  urg'd  to  gratify  the  aim,  ~| 

On  basis  firm  to  fix  his  claim 
To  Learning's  meed  and  future  Fame  :     J 
And  when  Ma'am's  busy  morn  was  o'er 
Among  her  birds,  her  flowers  and  poor, 
She  was  beheld  in  silent  pride 
Embroid'ring  at  his  table's  side  : 
Nay,  oft-times  she  would  fetch  the  book 
In  which  enquiry  ask'd  to  look, 
And  having  found  the  wish'd-for  page, 
Would  smile  and  say  :  "  Look  there,  my  Sage  !  " 


260  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

— Thus  hours  and  days  and  seasons  went 

As  it  appear'd  in  full  content : 

At  least  complaint  in  silence  slept, 

Or  was  a  perfect  secret  kept. 

During  the  summer  Dickey  Bend 

With  Madam  visited  his  friend, 

And  joy'd  to  find  their  nuptial  scheme 

Had  not  turn'd  out  an  idle  dream, 

Fair  Pallet  also  came  to  glean 

The  charms  of  the  surrounding  scene, 

And  gladly  bore  away  to  town 

The  beauties  she  had  made  her  own. 

Nay,  Vellum  also  did  repair 

To  talk  of  print  and  paper  there  ; 

And,  in  due  time,  he  bore  away 

The  treasure  of  a  future  day, 

Which  the  learn'd  Author  had  prepar'd 

With  promise  of  no  slight  reward. 


At  length  another  year  pass'd  o'er 
Just  as  the  last  had  done  before  : 
Syntax  ne'er  utter'd  a  complaint, 
And  Madam  was  a  perfect  saint. 
The  gout  indeed  gave  hints,  though  slight, 
Just  to  disturb  his  sleepy  night, 
And  certain  feels  to  her  would  say, 
Upon  a  cold  and  shiv'ring  day, 
You're  not  so  young,  fair  dame,  we  trow, 
As  you  were  twenty  years  ago : 
But  then,  all  these  complaints  to  smother, 
They  were  such  nurses  to  each  other ! 
The  foundling  also  'gan  to  walk, 
And  which  was  better  still,  to  talk  : 
Nay,  Mrs.  Syntax  oft  would  quote 
His  sayings  in  imperfect  note  ; 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          261 

Was  pleas'd  when  he  could  say,  "  Tour  Tab  !  " 
But  more  so  when  he  said  "  Mamma  !  " 
A  fondling  sound  that  did  appear 
So  pleasing  to  her  ready  ear. 


Just  at  this  time  the  evening  fair, 
With  a  soft  breeze  of  summer  air, 

Dear  Mrs.  S propos'd  to  take 

A  little  fishing  on  the  Lake. 

Pat  did  the  usual  boat  prepare, 

The  lines  and  angle-rods  were  there, 

When  the  sage  Doctor  plied  the  oar, 

And  cautious  row'd  along  the  shore. 

Madam  stood  upright  in  the  boat, 

And  eager  ey'd  the  bobbing  float ; 

When,  by  what  shock  no  one  could  tell, 

Into  the  flood  the  Lady  fell : 

Instant  he  plung'd  into  the  wave, 

The  darling  of  his  life  to  save, 

When  Patrick  follow'd,  nothing  loth, 

And  flound'ring,  nearly  drown'd  them  both  : 

But  they  were  near  the  grassy  shore, 

And  all  the  danger  soon  was  o'er. 

The  wet  clothes  chang'd  from  foot  to  head, 

The  fright  dispell'd,  and  both  in  bed, 

They  somehow  had  the  secret  charm 

To  hug  and  keep  each  other  warm. 

The  Worthies  hurried  down  to  see 

The  mischief  at  the  Rectory  ; 

But,  finding  ev'ry  thing  was  right, 

And  Ma'am  recover'd  from  her  fright, 

To  keep  alarming  thoughts  away, 

They  ask'd  for  some  amusing  play, 

And  soon  the  welcome  cards  were  spread 

On  either  corner  of  the  bed. 


262  TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

The  curious  scene  throughout  gave  birth 
To  bursts  of  unexpected  mirth, 
'Till  the  kind  friends,  the  visit  over, 
Left  them  to  sleep  and  to  recover. 

The  following  morn,  as  they  talk'd  o'er 
The  dangers  of  the  day  before, 
Syntax  began  to  shake  and  shiver, 
While  ev'ry  limb  was  seen  to  quiver : 
He  wish'd  to  treat  his  state  with  laughter  :- 
"  O  hissing  hot  into  the  water 
I  popp'd,  'tis  true,  as  I  may  say 
With  old  Jack  Falstaff  in  the  play  ; 
And  as  it  harm'd  not  him,  d'ye  see, 
I  think  it  cannot  injure  me  ; 
Such  flesh  had  he  to  work  upon, 
And  I  am  nought  but  skin  and  bone." 

Poor  Mrs.  S big  with  alarms, 

And  all  her  fears  and  frights  in  arms, 

Could  not  help  saying  : — "  'Tis  provoking  ! 

At  such  a  time  you  should  be  joking  !  " 

When  he  with  chatt'ring  teeth  replied, 

"  My  love  lay  all  your  fears  aside  : 

And  as  I  do  not  feel  alarm, 

When  I'm  so  cold,  be  not  so  warm  !  " 

Though  he,  indeed,  as  it  appears, 

Let  loose  his  jokes  to  calm  her  fears. — 

— But  not  a  moment  was  delay'd, 

To  send  for  neighb'ring  Doctor's  aid. 

The  Doctor  in  a  hurry  came, 

And  found  the  system  in  a  flame : 

— The  lancet  to  profusion  bled,  ~| 

The  blisters  cover'd  back  and  head      >- 

And  Syntax  was  convey'd  to  bed.       J 

When  there  reclin'd,  his  upward  eye 

Seem'd  as  commercing  with  the  sky, 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE         263 

And  his  hand  wav'd,  as  if  to  tell, 

This  is  a  long  and  last  farewell ! 

Torpor  then  o'er  his  senses  crept, 

And  he  appear'd  as  if  he  slept ; 

But  Death  had  given  the  final  stroke, 

For  from  that  sleep  he  ne'er  awoke : 

Nor  will  he  e'er  again  awake,  1 

Until  Creation's  self  shall  shake, 

And  the  last  Trump  its  silence  break,      J 

To  call  him,  with  a  life  renew'd, 

To  the  bright  guerdon  of  the  Good. 

When  the  good  man  had  breath'd  his  last, 
Poor  Mrs.  Syntax  stood  aghast, 
Then  laid  her  pale  cheek  to  his  face, 
And  clasp'd  him  in  a  long  embrace : 
Nor  did  she  on  the  horror  wait 
To  contemplate  the  work  of  fate  ; 
But  to  the  Hall  in  hurry  hied, 
With  little  Johnny  by  her  side. 
She  told  her  state,  pale  as  despair, 
And  fill'd  the  house  with  sorrow  there. 
— Thus  SYNTAX  clos'd  his  life's  career, 
With  all  to  hope  and  nought  to  fear. — 
The  frequent  tear  still  in  his  eyes, 
Worthy  prepar'd  the  obsequies, 
With  all  due  rites  to  grace  the  end 
Of  his  belov'd,  lamented  friend. 
O  'twas  a  melancholy  scene 
When  he  was  borne  along  the  green  ! 
What  train  of  mourners  did  appear, 
And  scarce  an  eye  without  a  tear  ! 
No  toil  the  harvest  fields  display, 
It  seem'd  grief's  mournful  holiday. 
The  village  wept — the  hamlets  round 
Crowded  the  consecrated  ground  ; 


264          TOUR  OF  DR.  SYNTAX 

And  waited  there  to  see  the  end 

Of  Pastor,  Teacher,  Father,  Friend  ! 

— When  in  the  cold  ground  he  was  laid, 

Poor  Patrick  from  his  trembling  spade 

Could  scarce  the  light  dust  scatter  o'er 

The  form  which  he  should  see  no  more. — 

— At  first  the  bursting  sorrow  came 

In  floods  upon  the  widow'd  Dame, 

But,  by  affection's  care  consol'd, 

Unruly  grief  was  soon  controul'd  : 

Religion  too  had  taught  her  mind 

Its  law  divine,  to  be  resign'd : 

Though,  for  the  rankling,  heart-felt  wound, 

A  perfect  cure  was  never  found. 

O  'twas  a  loss  ! — The  Blessing  flew  ; 

Th'  enjoyment  and  the  prospect  too  ! 

It  was  a  tranquil,  calm  delight ; 

No  glare — but  ev'ry  day  was  bright ! 

— Through  life's  lone  way  she  travell'd  on, 

In  gloomy  guise,  with  Little  John. 

The  relict  of  the  man  they  lov'd, 

She  still  the  Worthies'  kindness  prov'd  ; 

While  Dickey  Bend  and  his  fond  wife 

Had  been  and  were  her  friends  through  life.- 

— But,  once  a  year,  affection's  claim 

The  Pilgrim  Widow  always  came, 

To  Sommerden,  to  shed  a  tear 

Beside  his  tomb  who  died  for  her : 

And  Little  John,  as  there  he  knelt, 

Was  taught  to  weep  for  what  she  felt ! 

And,  as  he  wept  he  scarce  knew  why, 

Lisp'd  the  instinctive  agony. 


The  TOMB  near  path-way  side  appear'd, 
By  Worthy*  s  sadden'd  friendship  rear'd  : 


IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE          265 

Near  it  the  dark,  o'erspreading  yew 
Sheds  tears  of  morn  and  evening  dew  ; 
And,  as  the  sculpture  meets  the  eye,  1 

"  ALAS,  POOR  SYNTAX  !  "  with  a  sigh, 
Is  read  by  every  passer-by : 
And  wakes  the  pensive  thought,  sincere, 
For  ever  sad  ! — for  ever  dear  ! 

My  verse  has  now  no  more  to  tell. 

The  Story's  done.—STNT^X  F4REWELL  ! 


FI17I3. 


PRINTED    BY 

MORRISON   AND    GIBB    LIMITBD 
EDINBURGH 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

305  De  Neve  Drive  -  Parking  Lot  17  •  Box  951388 

LOS  ANGELES,  CALIFORNIA  90095-1388 

Return  this  material  to  the  library  from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


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